to have got married secretly with only 2 witnesses?

[fivecandles]

Dp and I been together 13 odd years with ups and downs and 2 children. Decided to get married because really it's about time for all sorts of reasons BUT didn't want a big faff or the expense of a big wedding. Don't like to be the centre of attention, other financial commitments, it's dh's 2nd marriage, we're not religious etc, etc. DH has a very large family and if we'd invited his mum and dad we'd have had to invite his siblings and before you know it we would have had at least 30 people just with close family. So we had a quiet but lovely wedding in register office. DH had his best mate for his witness and I had mine and they brought their families. We then went for a lovely lunch in a nice restaurant and had a lovely day together.

Told our respective families the next day. Mine completely understood and very happy that we're finally respectable and legal. DH's horribly upset and accused us of being deceitful (because we didn't tell them beforehand) and so on. DH had long conversation with them which was very heated in places but reached a sort of resolution even if it was an agreement to differ sort of thing.

Now they've not spoken to me at all although they did send a card and a little bit of money a few weeks after the event. I sent them some photos and the only contact I've had with them directly is now a letter from MIL saying how happy we look in the photos and how upset this makes her!! She has been showing the photos to all her friends and they're also really upset apparently. She's told dh about how she's been crying for days and not sleeping and one of dh's siblings has written to say similar things.

Anway, having said nothing and hoped it would all blow over, I've felt moved to write back to MIL to remind them that a wedding is a happy occasion and ask them to put aside their negative views and be happy for us and respect our choices. AIBU???

God I can't believe some of the attitudes on this thread! Tidy you are just bonkers!

YANBU at all, and huge congratulations on your wedding. I can understand why MIL might be a bit miffed, especially that you had your friends and their families there but not your own families, but 'crying for days and not sleeping'? Gawd almighty. She got to be mother of the groom at his first wedding, presumably?

'Many people are under the foolish impression that weddings are for themselves- they're not, they're for everybody else.'
What a load of bollocks! This is only true if you bend to the pressure to have a huge, absurdly expensive party, and then it's usually about the bridezilla, not anyone else. Big weddings are a source of resentments, jealousies, feuds and debts. I'd love to marry DP, by the way, but we'd have a tiny wedding or elope.

OP I don't think there's any point in writing to your MIL. She sounds very unreasonable, and I doubt that a letter from you will make much difference. Give her time, and she'll have to get over it eventually, presumably. I'd leave your DH to deal with his family and stay out of it.

I honestly agree fivecandles. I think you are right, they could have congratulated you. 13 years together is good going and the fact that you wanted a very low key wedding not really their business.

Ranting and raving is daft imo. It might be nice if they threw you a party to celebrate though.

Expensive, please don't judge before you know the facts.

I'm not saying a 2nd marriage is less important - how ridiculous. I'm saying it can be a good reason not to have a big wedding. At least it was for us.

fivecandles putting myself in your DH's familiy's shoes, I think I would much rather see the ceremony than have a party. Anyone else and I prefer the party. But for my child, the ceremony would be special. That's just how I feel and I wouldn't resent my child forever if he did this, but I would feel very, very sad.

What's done is done, but I do see where they are coming from.

Congraulations, btw, all the best for your life together

I would be devastated if my children married without us there. I've seen it happen twice with close family and the effect on the parents was awful. It's the quickest way of saying "You're not important to me" that you can find, whether you intend this or not.

In the end, you have to have someone witness the wedding. You chose friends over family. There must have been, what - 7 or 8 guests, including children? You could easily have had your parents and the adult friends to make the same number.

Why couldn't you tell your parents you were taking them to lunch somewhere smart, so that they dressed up, then take them to the registry office? They, far more than siblings, deserved to be there.

And to be frank, your mother's reaction was lovely, but don't fool yourself she wouldn't have preferred to be there. You're her daughter. It was your first wedding, ffs.

YABU. They wanted to be with you and you didn't ask them and then had a 'celebration' with friends instead. Totally understand wanting a lowkey wedding but of course you could have asked your ILs (who are your dh's parents) without it snowballing. Okay some other people would have been put out but not the parents, and tbh it's probably only the parents who really, really care.
Of course they are hurt and feel rejected. Also very nice of them to send a gift when they are so upset. You need to do some grovelling, appologise with grace and arrange a family get together with them all to build bridges. Probably will end up costing more than just having them all in the first place.

I don't think you're getting this tbh.

I'll repeat what I said before, you are not wrong to get married in the way you did, but you have been insensitive with how you went about telling people. You don't seem to believe you've been at all in the wrong. That's probably what is causing the continuing bad feeling, your apparent refusal to accept any responsibility for their continuing hurt.

Maybe you should approach them from the perspective of "I'm sorry we've hurt you", rather than "I'm sorry you're upset". Take some ownership of what's happened and you might find you can move forward.

FigsAndWine, I'm perfectly sane thanks! Not too sure about you though!

Four times you've stated it being his second marriage as a reason for them not to be bothered. Your words. So thank you, I will judge with the facts that you've given us.

If my family are able to respect my choices and be happy for us given its my 1st wedding I would really hope that dh's family would be able to do the same given it's his second.

'If that was your plan, why couldn't you have a small registry office wedding then a big party the next day or week?'

Various reasons, one of which is financial. We intended to have a party to mark our 1st anniversary.

The fact that complete strangers see fit to judge the way in which we chose to get married and celebrate it does confirm for me how right we were not to allow any interference from anyone else when planning our wedding.

Oh, any sympathy I might have had now gone after reading about your plans for a big party and series of mini celebrations . That kind of contradicts what you said about not wanting the centre of attention and financial considerations. The truth is you didn't invite them because you didn't want them there, they know that and they are upset. Can't believe your Mum is fine about it either!

You asked for our judgement, fivecandles.

You posted on AIBU, what did you think you would get?!

Eh? Expensive, I think you've missed my point and are being strangely hostile.

Can you honestly not understand why you might want to have a small low key wedding if it was your second?

Personally, I felt it would be a bit insensitive to have a big wedding knowing that many of the guests would have been present at the first.

Oh, and at the implication that your IL's input would be seen as interference.

Congratulations !
I'm glad you had a lovely day, and also that your Mum and family are OK about it - and happy for you, which is as it should be.
I think what you've said to MIL is just right - that a wedding is a happy occasion and it would be nice if she were pleased for you.
Her son is happy - now happily married, and she has lovely grandchildren and a lovely daughter-in-law.
What more does she really want ?
Hopefully over time as you gently explain your reasons she will come round.
Life is too short for big sulks like this, and for falling out on happy occasions.
Families, eh ?

And btw anniversary parties are a bit, mmm, don't know the word, but other people aren't actually that interested in them. It's generally a thing the couple celebrate together, unless it is gold or ruby or sometning a bit more significant.

Well congratulations five candles.
I wish we had done what you did......we only had 13 to the wedding and that was 11 too many!
I would not give 2hoots if my dcs did that, or decided to have no children so I was never a grandparent...... If that's what you want to do, it's your decision.
We had a no family rule at the christenings, only godparents, so MIL didn't speak for months to dh. How pathetic.

Dandy, you may not have read earlier that DH has already had protracted conversations with his family in an attempt to smooth things over. You may not have read that I have not spoken to them at all because they have not even been able to bring themselves to say congratulations. What I have heard from them via dh is how they haven't been able to sleep and have been crying for days. Many other posters have acknowledged that this is a slighyl over the top reaction to what should be a happy occasion.

Thanks Mrs Roberts.

So they're not refusing to speak to you, you're refusing to speak to them?

OP - you have heard from them! They sent you a card and some money! You should at least sya thank you!

'especially as you invited friend, and there families.'

FGS, it is a legal requirement to have witnesses. We didn't feel it right to drag people off the streets and our children would have found that a bit odd. We wanted it to be a happy occasion but low key.

We're in our 40s and not 16!!!!