to have got married secretly with only 2 witnesses?

[fivecandles]

Dp and I been together 13 odd years with ups and downs and 2 children. Decided to get married because really it's about time for all sorts of reasons BUT didn't want a big faff or the expense of a big wedding. Don't like to be the centre of attention, other financial commitments, it's dh's 2nd marriage, we're not religious etc, etc. DH has a very large family and if we'd invited his mum and dad we'd have had to invite his siblings and before you know it we would have had at least 30 people just with close family. So we had a quiet but lovely wedding in register office. DH had his best mate for his witness and I had mine and they brought their families. We then went for a lovely lunch in a nice restaurant and had a lovely day together.

Told our respective families the next day. Mine completely understood and very happy that we're finally respectable and legal. DH's horribly upset and accused us of being deceitful (because we didn't tell them beforehand) and so on. DH had long conversation with them which was very heated in places but reached a sort of resolution even if it was an agreement to differ sort of thing.

Now they've not spoken to me at all although they did send a card and a little bit of money a few weeks after the event. I sent them some photos and the only contact I've had with them directly is now a letter from MIL saying how happy we look in the photos and how upset this makes her!! She has been showing the photos to all her friends and they're also really upset apparently. She's told dh about how she's been crying for days and not sleeping and one of dh's siblings has written to say similar things.

Anway, having said nothing and hoped it would all blow over, I've felt moved to write back to MIL to remind them that a wedding is a happy occasion and ask them to put aside their negative views and be happy for us and respect our choices. AIBU???

Then perhaps you need to keep saying it, until they understand you really are sorry. I'm going to guess that hasn't really sunk in with them, because the way you were coming off here was that you were really affronted that they had had any reaction other than sheer joy that you'd got married even though it was without them. They are perfectly entitled to be upset.

Again, I'm not saying that you did the wrong thing, just that I think you handled it poorly WRT the feelings of your family.

Aargh, I didn't send photos with the witnesses on - just ones with us. We thought long and hard about getting witnesses off the street but that didn't seem right either. Not least because our own children who were bridesmaids would have found that a bit strange.

I'm quite envious! I'd have loved a sneaky, quiet wedding.

However, of course they're upset. It's a very significant moment in your lives and they would have loved to be there. Perhaps you could do a special lunch for close family, just maybe a Sunday lunch with a few balloons and a cake- just so they have a way of marking this.

I know two people who've done this, both for visa/ work issues (one needed to stay in America and one was working for the EU and didn't get full spousal rights until married), so both thought it would be ok. In both cases, the parents were utterly devastated. Many people are under the foolish impression that weddings are for themselves- they're not, they're for everybody else.

I'm afraid I'm with Tidy. Absolutely your choice to have the wedding you want, of course. But I can't believe you're surprised that they're upset. What on earth did you think would happen, realistically? All this head in the clouds 'I'd be happy for them' stuff is all very well until it happens to you. You went off and did something which is traditionally an important family occasion, without telling family and now family are upset. No shit sherlock.

And, tbh, the bit that would piss me off most is not the wedding and not the best friends as witnesses, but the friends' families having a little celebration that your own parents weren't invited to.

Ultimately, expecting them to get over it is not going to happen, you'll just have to deal with it.

But MY family and our friends have been fine. And I think dp's family need to consider that there is another family involved here. I can see why dp's family might feel excluded but what I would hope is that they could see that that is much less important than the fact that we did what was right for us and are happy. It does seem odd that they seem to want to try and spoil that happiness because of their own feelings about what a wedding should be.

THe thing is as has been pointed out by others with weddings you can't win. Someone always gets heated about something. IF the ILs had been invited it would have snowballed into something huge. And a big wedding in our circumstances given it's dh's 2nd marriage and we've got 2 kids and our in our 40s and have been together 13 years and have other financial commitments would have seemed ridiculous.

I've seen so many people give in to the often ridiculous pressures of families, got into debt etc that I knew I wanted a very small and private wedding.

'Many people are under the foolish impression that weddings are for themselves- they're not, they're for everybody else.'

Just think that's plain wrong.

So? Just because your family are ok about it doesn't invalidate his family's feelings. It's got nothing to do with anything.

Just because your family have been fine about it, doesn't mean that your DH's have to follow suit. You seem to have very little respect for the way they feel. They don't want to spoil your happiness, but they are upset and they have every right to be. You just don't seem to get that. Everything you've posted is all about how you think they should be reacting. Your family have been okay, so DH's should be, their feelings of exclusion are much less important than what you did, etc.

Damage control, fivecandles, that's what you need to do.

It's got plenty to do with it. It shows there are different ways to react. If my family are able to respect my choices and be happy for us given its my 1st wedding I would really hope that dh's family would be able to do the same given it's his second.

Sorry but I think YABU.

I know it's your choice, your life etc, but I see weddings as declarations of committment in front of those who care about you.

I don't think it's a case of dong in on the quiet or spending thousands and thousands. There is a middle ground. You could have come to an agreement with your immediate families, had them too see the ceremony and then gone to a local restaurant and have everyone pay their way and just enjoy being all together. No formal meal, no big party etc. It's not those things that matter - it's enjoying the day with people you love imo.

I would be devesatated if DD did this. I understand not everyone would feel that way, but I think more people would than wouldn't.

No, it's really got nothing to do with it, fivecandles. Honestly. People react differently. You are not coming off well here.

I do respect how they feel and I've said repeatedly that we're sorry the'yre upset but there's a time and a place. The first thing dh's parents said to him was 'we're very upset' and not 'congratulations'. They haven't actually congratulated me at all.

You yourself say that people react differently, can't you respect that?!

Stop using your family as a benchmark for how DH's family feel. You need to appreciate you have hurt them very deeply. I really don't think you get that. Your posts smack of "we've got married, we don't care to hear your feelings on the matter, you have to be happy for us".

Psammead, our middle ground which we expressed to everybody was a quiet wedding followed by a big party next year. We also intended to have a series of mini celebrations with close family and friends but we haven't seen any of dh's family in order to be able to take them out for dinner yet in spite of trying to arrange something.

Is your dh close to his parents?

I must say that putting myself in your mil's position - I would have been upset not to have been invited especially as you invited friends.

Agree with tidy - just as you were entitled to the wedding you wanted your mil is entitled to her feelings.

Congratulations though.

I think I'm with the OP on this.

I can appreciate people react differently and her IL's absolutely have the right to be upset but crying for days and not sleeping and one of dh's siblings has written to say similar things is excessive and to engage any more with that sort of behaviour is to only encourage it.

Tidy, personally I think anything other than expressions of support and congratulations are inappropriate just after a couple have got married.

I think it's very 13th fairy at the Christening to only come up with criticisms.

It would be one thing if dh's family had said 'We're really happy for you - congratulations - but we wish you could have told us'. What they actually did was rant and rave and threaten not to speak to us again and make the wedding all about them rather than about something to celebrate for us. That is an odd reaction to what should be a happy event.

Loving the idea that the second marriage is less important btw, great way to go into it and not really in line with your "it's the marriage not the wedding that's important" mantra.

You are perfectly justified in having the wedding you want, just to clarify that. But I think your expectations and attitude to his family suck.

OP, congratulations.

I also think that it is your wedding, your choice and your right to marry as you wish. Your MIL is being precious but I do think that any further writing from you would add fuel to fire. Let her calm down a bit before dealig with her again.

I hope you get it sorted and well done on not gettng sucked into the whole wedding palava where the cake alone would set most people back!

Yanbu

And no way should you have told them before the wedding. Then they would have spoiled the day, you would have had a shit time knowing they were weeping and wailing at home.

What is that about anyway? I haven't wept for days after being disappointed since I was about 3 years old. Ignore any manipulative attempts to make you feel bad.

Congratulations, have a happy marriage.

fivecandles - just move on, it's happened, it's behind you - in the circumstances I wouldn't particularly expect 'congratulations' - you've been together for years anyway (as you have said) so it's not as if you are at the beginning of a 'new' relationship or moving in together.

Missed the bit about having your children 'as bridesmaids' and that you did have some sort of celebratory lunch - that's slightly different from a very quiet wedding.

But honestly, just put it behind you and get on with the rest of your life - if MIL wants to continue sulking that's up to her, you can't do anything about the past.

I do respect that people have different reactions. I do respect that the in laws might have been hurt and dh and I have apologised for that (although we have explained we couldn't see a way around that rather than having a big wedding).

Personally, I think that the most important thing about a wedding is that a couple loves each other, is happy and commited. To me, nothing else seems very important and I know that is how I will feel if and when my own children choose to marry.

tbh, if my DC did that to me i would be hurt but hopefully would get over it.

i would see it as a reflection on my parenting, especially as you invited friend, and there families. I sometimes imagine seeing my dc getting married and would respect any choices they would make.