to have got married secretly with only 2 witnesses?

[fivecandles]

Dp and I been together 13 odd years with ups and downs and 2 children. Decided to get married because really it's about time for all sorts of reasons BUT didn't want a big faff or the expense of a big wedding. Don't like to be the centre of attention, other financial commitments, it's dh's 2nd marriage, we're not religious etc, etc. DH has a very large family and if we'd invited his mum and dad we'd have had to invite his siblings and before you know it we would have had at least 30 people just with close family. So we had a quiet but lovely wedding in register office. DH had his best mate for his witness and I had mine and they brought their families. We then went for a lovely lunch in a nice restaurant and had a lovely day together.

Told our respective families the next day. Mine completely understood and very happy that we're finally respectable and legal. DH's horribly upset and accused us of being deceitful (because we didn't tell them beforehand) and so on. DH had long conversation with them which was very heated in places but reached a sort of resolution even if it was an agreement to differ sort of thing.

Now they've not spoken to me at all although they did send a card and a little bit of money a few weeks after the event. I sent them some photos and the only contact I've had with them directly is now a letter from MIL saying how happy we look in the photos and how upset this makes her!! She has been showing the photos to all her friends and they're also really upset apparently. She's told dh about how she's been crying for days and not sleeping and one of dh's siblings has written to say similar things.

Anway, having said nothing and hoped it would all blow over, I've felt moved to write back to MIL to remind them that a wedding is a happy occasion and ask them to put aside their negative views and be happy for us and respect our choices. AIBU???

Your MIL is not BU to be upset, but really, she could have left out the guilt-tripping ("not sleeping" wtf!!).

OUt of curiousity five candles, do you think you would do the same again, in hindsight, now you know what their reaction is?

Goodness, long thread.

You said a few pages ago that your family couldn't cope with or didn't want to go to a "big" wedding. Is your family so much more important than your DH's?

I really do understand wanting a small wedding, but not inviting the people who probably most wanted to be there seems very cruel.

If they're still upset it's probably because you're doing the 'non-apology apology' (i.e., I'm sorry you're upset). That's not really a proper apology.

To not invite them was a big 'fuck off' and the non-apology is like adding 'and when you get there, fuck off some more'.

It is humiliating to tell people you weren't invited to your child's wedding. I had a small wedding and would have loved to keep my parents out of it but I could not bear to publicly snub them.

Look, family is messy and inconvenient and drama-queensy and inappropriate and a royal headache. But it's family. It's why the human race hasn't died out yet.

I think you're sending a terrible message to your kids, basically that family are only worth having around if they behave perfectly.

oranges if you look back at some of the OP's earlier posts she does say somewhere that she would do the same again.

Dreaming, to apologise means that you regret what you did and if you had your time again, would act differently. The OP cannot apologise because she is not sorry that she had the wedding of her choice (nor should she be, imo) and given her time again, she would still have the wedding she and her dh wanted to have.

I think you can only say sorry if you think you were wrong. The OP doesn't.

There is a difference between a party and a wedding. A party you move around the room talking to small groups of people. A wedding you have to stand up in front of everyone, with all their eyes upon you, and speak

The OP doesn't say what she means by mini celebrations but maybe she was thinking of a meal with each family until they could have the party.

As for being family... I have some people who are, technically, family members but when people ask me to name family they don't come to mind.

I agree, Karma.

But then the OP can't be surprised that the situation isn't getting resolved. That is the social function of apologies, they let the aggrieved party feel that they have been heard and respected.

If the OP isn't going to show any proper remorse, then at least she needs to ask her MIL what she can do to make her feel better, not demand that she stop being upset.

Dandy I could be wrong but I get the impression that the OP and her DH aren't in a financial position to have a big party right no, or whenever it was they got married.

*right now

Congratulations OP! I've been reading your post with interest as DH and I did something similar a few weeks ago. For much the reasons as yours we married on holiday with our DCs and some random witnesses off the street. We told everyone when we got back and luckily they have been very understanding and happy for us ( at least they are pretending to be i suspect my MIL is a bit upset than she is letting on) I did worry myself silly that we would upset people but any other way would have been a nightmare. Perhaps the difference was it was just us so there was no chance of anyone taking offence at not being there. Still you did what was best for you and I'm sure in time your MIL will come round. I just don't understand what it is about weddings that makes everyone feel they have a right to be involved!

What I find odd is that you claim you just had 2 witnesses, but then it sounds like you went and invited both of their families to the restaurant as well. So you had more than just 2.

I think if it had just been 2, that would have been probably easier for your MIL to take. But when she sees pictures that include "plenty" of other people, I would be upset I wasn't invited as well.

YANBU to wed the way you want, but you have to be prepared for the fall-out. I think if it was me, it would be the secret nature of it that would bother me the most. Too late to change things now, best you can do is make amends, but I'm afraid I'm not sure how best to do that.

congratulations on getting married! we're planning our own small wedding but we are having immediate family there. i can understand that your MIL is upset at not been there to see you get married but i agree that she should be happy for you. she probably is a bit offended that you chose to celebrate with your friends and their families rather than with them. t bh, i don't really understand how celebrating with your friends, their partners and children is any cheaper or less intimate than celebrating with your immediate families, even just your parents. if thats the way you wanted to do it, fair enough, but i can see why she is upset.

We got married in secret, with two friends as witnesses. Dressed casually in jeans, we arrived at registry office, exchanged oath, and went for slap-up lunch. Got found out six months later! My only regret is having no photos. Our children, now 21 and17, didn't believe us at first as there are no photos at all. At least we have our marriage certificate. Do it - it is nobody's business but you two.

I've not changed my mind; your mil's reaction is still ridiculous.

You've been together 13 years with two children- you are, in society's eyes, as 'good' as married. Although, obviously not legally (I feel that people should have to get married for legal recognition but that is another topic).

I mean where is the big deal in all of this? I'm not seeing it. As for explaining it to other people, I would totally understand the 'they slipped away quietly to do it' explanation if the couple had been together for 13 years and had children.

Any sensible person would.

Traditional weddings these days are an ananchronism but for all but a few people.