to have got married secretly with only 2 witnesses?

[fivecandles]

Dp and I been together 13 odd years with ups and downs and 2 children. Decided to get married because really it's about time for all sorts of reasons BUT didn't want a big faff or the expense of a big wedding. Don't like to be the centre of attention, other financial commitments, it's dh's 2nd marriage, we're not religious etc, etc. DH has a very large family and if we'd invited his mum and dad we'd have had to invite his siblings and before you know it we would have had at least 30 people just with close family. So we had a quiet but lovely wedding in register office. DH had his best mate for his witness and I had mine and they brought their families. We then went for a lovely lunch in a nice restaurant and had a lovely day together.

Told our respective families the next day. Mine completely understood and very happy that we're finally respectable and legal. DH's horribly upset and accused us of being deceitful (because we didn't tell them beforehand) and so on. DH had long conversation with them which was very heated in places but reached a sort of resolution even if it was an agreement to differ sort of thing.

Now they've not spoken to me at all although they did send a card and a little bit of money a few weeks after the event. I sent them some photos and the only contact I've had with them directly is now a letter from MIL saying how happy we look in the photos and how upset this makes her!! She has been showing the photos to all her friends and they're also really upset apparently. She's told dh about how she's been crying for days and not sleeping and one of dh's siblings has written to say similar things.

Anway, having said nothing and hoped it would all blow over, I've felt moved to write back to MIL to remind them that a wedding is a happy occasion and ask them to put aside their negative views and be happy for us and respect our choices. AIBU???

'and she probably sees the ceremony as a union of two families, not just too people'

Yet, oddly, she's the one pushing us away. They've threatened not to speak to us again.

As I've said, I can understand and respect that they feel hurt. What I cannot understand is why they can't separate that from the wedding itself. That is the most important thign here and they should be happy about that which is not to say that they can't be sad about the way in which it took place.

Honestly, if that's what she'd said at any point, I wouldn't mind so much.

But their reaction has made it all about THEM and their negative feeligns. They don't seem to acknowledge our feelings at all. Either our happiness or the fact that their reaction is upsetting to us.

My mum and stepdad did this. In fact, they planned a tiny wedding in a hotel and only told my sister and I 2 days before. They didn't tell stepdad's kids or any of their parents/siblings until afterwards. Thank God Mum cracked and told us, because we would probably have been very hurt - as it was, we wound up bridesmaids. Witnesses were a couple Mum had known for 20 years and their small baby. They said later that they had planned it that way because they felt silly going through the big wedding experience for the second time each, plus they thought all 4 kids would be upset by the mere idea of them marrying. - what we did say was oh, that's nice, when is it and do we get to be bridesmaids? What do you mean on Wednesday??

So, out of my experience,

1. I would have been very hurt if Mum had not told us she was going to get married and invited us
2. Grandma was very hurt and upset. Stepdad's parents and Granddad less so, but everyone behaved rather well afterwards and congratulated them/sent gift. All the same, I know it continued to rankle and caused Gma to treat Mum with kid gloves in case she did something to upset her for the next few years.
3. If my daughter did this, I would be v upset that she hadn't felt close enough to me to tell me she was getting married.
4. I like big family parties and weddings in general and would thus feel slightly aggrieved if my sister, say, eloped (not that I would snark at her as your MIL has done!)
5. My MIL would do exactly what yours has. She had a hissy fit because BIL & SIL didn't invite all the second cousins to their wedding due to lack of space. I think a lot of is has to do with not feeling loved/liked/wanted by DIL, which leads to a lot of overreaction.
6. People get over these things eventually, but the hurt or hissyness is remembered by both sides forever.
7. At the end of the day, it was your choice, and now you have to deal with the consequences. Suck it up and make nice (quite cynically), or it will never go away!

Maybe she's feeling pushed away and sidelined.

Their reaction may be upsetting to you but what about your actions being upsetting to them.

And the fact that your DHs siblings and their families were excluded too.

I know my DC would be really upset if they didn't get to see their siblings weddings.

and she probably sees the ceremony as a union of two families, not just too people'

Yet, oddly, she's the one pushing us away. They've threatened not to speak to us again.
fgs, do you not see that by not inviting them, they feel they have received a message from you that you do NOT believe that you are uniting two families.
As I said you both think you are right, and neither of you seem able to see things from the other's point of view so you'll just have to find a way to live with that. As will your dh.

Five candles - 'I'm sorry they're upset but that's not my fault. They are responsible for their behaviour and their reactions and not me. They could choose another path which would be to be happy for their son and daughter in law.

I don't see why they needed to be present at our wedding any more than they needed to be present at the birth of our children and yet they accepted that that was a happy event.'

What is the point of this thread and so many pages - it is just going round in circles. Op knows her mind and what she wants and who is right and who is wrong.

begonyabampot

Yes.

'Their reaction may be upsetting to you but what about your actions being upsetting to them.'

Well, yes. But the difference is that we've acknowledged and said we're sorry about that. We accepted their need to rant and rave even. But they haven't moved on from that. They're still doing the ranting and raving even though it's completely pointless and upsetting for us and they haven't brought themselves to say anything nice.

Well, they're not going to, are they? I think at this point you just have to accept that they are pissed off, and get on with things. You don't appear to want solutions which don't involve your MIL having a personality transplant.

you just may need to give them a bit more time. They seem more stubborn than even you.

Mine did have one, actually. Well, she was my ex MIL by then. She had dementia and became really nice. She couldn't remember any grudges or complaints or who hadn't spoken to her and who hadn't rung her and who'd had a new dress and hadn't told her etc etc.

I'm more worried about DIL. I have a lovely MIL but one day i'll hopefully have several DILs. This has all got me running scared!

What exactly did you want from this thread? What was your reason for posting?

YANBU because it is your day to do your way Congratulations to you both and I am glad you enjoyed it. We did similar but we went abroad just the two of us and had witnesses we didn't know and had met them on a night out a few days before lol Far better than my pomp and ceremony 1st wedding tbh. The only difference is that we gently told both families what we were doing and why before we did it.

Some people are close to their family and would want them to be part of a special day such as a wedding. You clearly aren't and your decisions about your wedding day reflect that. Your PIL have been made acutely and publicly aware of that fact, Do you care enough now to take the time and effort to make it up to them? I doubt it.

we did the same, but had 2 strangers off the plane. We got married in the caribean. Our families did know and my parents were ok with it, and dh family never considered coming and didnt care (still dont). We had a big party on the return 2 weeks later.
I dont think yabu at all, your all adult

That is completely different though lisad123, you were fair-you didn't choose and exclude guests.
Having a marriage with only the couple is fine.
Having a wedding with best friends and excluding close relations isn't.

The most important thing to YOU is the wedding.

They can't separate the hurt from the wedding because that's what caused them upset, the fact you didn't tell them.

I do sympathise but I think you need some real sympathy for them too.

My sons' happiness IS important, but if they did something so significant without at least discussing it with me I'd be devastated, I'd still be hurt they didn't want to share their day with me but I'd get over it, but not to know.... I'd be gutted. Sorry.

You could have had them as witnesses.

I think ya both being a bu.

I do think your mil should stop behaving in this way though, not sleeping because of this is ridiculous. Being a bit put out maybe but crying for days, way ott.

My brother did this and myself and my family were upset and shocked at the time (although we tried our best not to show it to my brother and his wife). It's hard to explain how I felt at the time, but I would say that:

1. I thought I had a really close relationship with my brother and was upset that he felt he couldn't share with his family that he was planning to 'elope'.
2. I was upset that my parents were upset.
3. When he rang to tell us the 'news' (they got married in Vegas) he didn't sound 'happy' like I would expect someone to be who had just got married.
4. I felt sad for my mum/dad when telling extended family/friends the news (whilst trying to remain upbeat) but having to deal with other peoples questions and reasons as to why they hadn't told us about the wedding.
5. Looking at the photographs was incredibly tough - they had a whole album of pictures taken from the hotel, to the chapel, the ceremony and the 'reception'. It was like looking a wedding report in Hello - i felt totally detached from it and that it wasn't really my brother.
6. They 'hurriedly' arranged a party when they returned; which we ended up treating like a wedding - but it all felt rather hollow and the evening left me feeling cold as I'd had to listen to countless friends and family coming up to me and quizzing me about why they'd eloped and how did I feel about it.

I would say it took me a good year to 'get over it'; it was just a general feeling of sadness and that the relationship between my brother (and my sister in law) was not as close or as good as it used to be.

My other brother felt the same and it was lovely when he got married last year - it was a small wedding, but all immediate family and close friends were there.

Another couple of year's down the line and I'm now a proud auntie and we have all moved on.

Sorry for rambling - I would say YANBU for doing what you wanted to do, but YABU for not telling your family your plans beforehand.

I also think you need to be a bit more patient with your husband's family's reaction, it takes time for it to all die down - I know from experience!

ps just thought of another entertaining 'tit bit' - my sister in law baby-sitted for us some time back - when I returned from my evening out she was watching the BBC3 programme 'don't tell the bride' - she proceeded to tell me it was one of her favourite programmes at the moment - I was very but I bit my tongue!

I can see both sides of this.

You planned a wedding which suited you and DH perfectly. I agree that you shouldn't feel obliged to have your wedding any other way to suit other people. And I can understand that you wanted to keep it as small as possible as that suited both you and your own parents best.

But I can also see your IL's point of view. they hold strong religious views, and possibly have dreamed for many years about seeing their son being married in the eyes of God and all that.

They are now dissappointed and probably don't understand why other people were invited, yet they weren't. I totally understand your reason for inviting friends to be witnesses rather than strangers (a very sensible arrangement, in my view). But as close family, I can understand their hurt.

And, from an outsider, it seems as though you planned your wedding as a small affair, with minimal pomp and ceremony. Yet now you want all the congratulations and fuss. You are intending to have a big party and mini-celebrations. Which seems to contradict the arguments for having such a small and intimate ceremony in the first place. You are the mother to their grandchildren, so presume they already treat you as part of the family, so don't understand why you are expecting to be welcomed into the family?

You refer several times to threats of not speaking to you ever again. but it seems as though this was some time ago and they have since spoken to your DH. So it sort of feels like you are still resentful about this and their unreasonable initial reaction to your news. You have reached a stand-off.

So where do you go from here? I think as it was you and your DH's actions that have caused this situation, it should be you who blinks first and resolves the situation. Please, pick up the phone and speak to them yourself. While its just been their son who has spoken directly to them, its quite easy for them to blame you in their minds for leading their DS down a path which he didn't necessarily want. I'm sure it was a joint decision how to do your wedding, but until YOU make contact with them (directly, not by phone, letter, text, email etc), they can keep viewing you as the 'bad' one.

You had the wedding you wanted (and I can see why that suited). They are upset and have over-reacted. But make peace now, this isn't worth a family rift.

Just a quick response to OP's more recent posts many of which were aimed at my posts. I get that you don't think you are being unreasonable. Why did you post in AIBU? You don't want to know if YABU, you are sure you are not and they are.

If you really thought that they wouldn't be upset then you and your DH obviously aren't as close to them as you/they think. Maybe thats what they're realy upset about - as newbeliever said - a sense that what they thought was a close relationship obviously isn't.

Why does it matter to you how upset they are? You got the day you wanted and they aren't really seeing you by the sounds of it so you don't even need to put up with their sadness.

As I said - just move on and ignore it. You "won" by doing what you wanted so I'm sure that you can rise above their reaction to it knowing that.

But Custard why does MIL have to make such a big thing about 'explaining it' - if my DS had been with his partner for 13 years and had children I wouldn't necessarily be talking about it - its not likely to come up in conversation and if MIL's friends ask 'How is DS and family' why not just say that after so many years of being together they had a very quiet wedding in May (or whenever) and then change the subject.

I understand that the MIL is upset at missing the ceremony but she now seems to be enjoying the 'drama' of the situation and choosing to 'prolong' her agony.

I find it sad that MIL is prepared to act like a drama queen over this event - she really needs to get over it.

However I don't think there is an easy answer to this whole subject of weddings - some people love the big 'ceremony' and think that is the most important part rather than the actual relationship.