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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to have got married secretly with only 2 witnesses?

492 replies

fivecandles · 11/09/2011 08:50

Dp and I been together 13 odd years with ups and downs and 2 children. Decided to get married because really it's about time for all sorts of reasons BUT didn't want a big faff or the expense of a big wedding. Don't like to be the centre of attention, other financial commitments, it's dh's 2nd marriage, we're not religious etc, etc. DH has a very large family and if we'd invited his mum and dad we'd have had to invite his siblings and before you know it we would have had at least 30 people just with close family. So we had a quiet but lovely wedding in register office. DH had his best mate for his witness and I had mine and they brought their families. We then went for a lovely lunch in a nice restaurant and had a lovely day together.

Told our respective families the next day. Mine completely understood and very happy that we're finally respectable and legal. DH's horribly upset and accused us of being deceitful (because we didn't tell them beforehand) and so on. DH had long conversation with them which was very heated in places but reached a sort of resolution even if it was an agreement to differ sort of thing.

Now they've not spoken to me at all although they did send a card and a little bit of money a few weeks after the event. I sent them some photos and the only contact I've had with them directly is now a letter from MIL saying how happy we look in the photos and how upset this makes her!! She has been showing the photos to all her friends and they're also really upset apparently. She's told dh about how she's been crying for days and not sleeping and one of dh's siblings has written to say similar things.

Anway, having said nothing and hoped it would all blow over, I've felt moved to write back to MIL to remind them that a wedding is a happy occasion and ask them to put aside their negative views and be happy for us and respect our choices. AIBU???

OP posts:
ExpensivePants · 11/09/2011 10:43

I'm not being hostile, I'm just not agreeing with you, which to you is the same thing. Because what you wanted was for everyone to say bugger the in laws, you're a grown up, you can do what you want to do. Well, yes you can, but as a grown up then you have to deal with the fall out, whatever it may be.

All we have to go on is what you've written, so of course we're going to judge the situation on your words. How strange to think that we wouldn't.

Hey ho, your life. If you don't want opinions, don't come on here whining about it.

DandyLioness · 11/09/2011 10:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TidyDancer · 11/09/2011 10:44

That's not a comparable situation, Loudlass.

Original poster
fivecandles · 11/09/2011 10:45

'Fivecandles - Does your MIL have a history of using her emotions to get what she wants by any chance?? '

Sometimes. Thing is our in laws have very different values and beliefs from ours they're also not desperately good at communicating. They don't really do empathy so find it very difficult to accept that people make different choices from theirs. Usually they avoid confrontation though so this is quite unusual for them and I think there are probably lots more things going on under the surface e.g. the fact that dh is an atheist.

OP posts:
akaemmafrost · 11/09/2011 10:45

I did this with ex. Oh the tears and drama afterwards was beyond belief, not so much my family who are quite distant anyway but more his. His elder sister ran out of the room sobbing because she was due to get married in 6 months time and felt we had "stolen her thunder". Imagine how she felt when we booked our honeymoon to the same Caribbean Island as well Wink? Everyone charged out after her including ex and I sat alone in the other room while she screamed and sobbed and lamented in the kitchen. In hindsight it was quite funny but at the time I was a bit Shock and "WTF?".

I think weddings are you own business and you can have whatever kind you want and suits you. This is why I do not send my parents an anniversary card despite heavy hints each year. I wasn't even there ffs! It's their occasion, celebrating their choice.

akaemmafrost · 11/09/2011 10:46

your not you

stripeybump · 11/09/2011 10:47

Was your DH as set on the idea of a private wedding as you were, OP? He must have known it would upset his parents.

Original poster
fivecandles · 11/09/2011 10:47

'30 people is not a big wedding'

In your view. In my view it is.

As I was aware people have very strong and differing opinions about what a wedding should be. I am glad that I didn't have any interference in the planning of my wedding for this reason.

OP posts:
CardyMow · 11/09/2011 10:49

I didn't say they weren't allowed to feel upset by it - but to express their upset more than once, in such an emotional way, and getting the OP's DH's sibling to pile on the guilt, is just not on. They could have said that they were happy for the OP and her Dh, but they were dissapointed to not be invited - but it should have been left at that, and the MIL should have worked through her disappointment behind the scenes, so to speak.

stripeybump · 11/09/2011 10:49

Why the big planned first anniversary party then? Confused

DandyLioness · 11/09/2011 10:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
fivecandles · 11/09/2011 10:50

'not allowed to feel upset about it'

That's ridiculous. If you read what I've been writing I've said repeatedly to them and here that dh and I are sorry they're upset. This was not our intention and we hoped they would be nothing but happy like all our other friends and family.

However, there's nothing we can do about it. We can't get unmarried. We had the wedding we wanted and would do the same again. We didn't want a big wedding and that is our choice.

OP posts:
TidyDancer · 11/09/2011 10:50

"Loudlass Sun 11-Sep-11 10:30:33
They aren't entitled to be hurt though - it wasn't THEIR wedding."

What does that mean to you?

CardyMow · 11/09/2011 10:51

Tidydancer - it is EXACTLY the same situation. If the man in that situation would be being EA, then so is the MIL. It doesn't depend on WHY the EA is there, just the fact that the reactions are EA.

Original poster
fivecandles · 11/09/2011 10:51

'but as a grown up then you have to deal with the fall out, whatever it may be.'

Are you implying that I'm not dealing with the fall out? I'm not sure what your point is.

I'm not sure what more I can do. We cannot turn the clock back and even if we could I would make the same choices. Because in my mind it is up to the couple what sort of wedding they have.

OP posts:
TidyDancer · 11/09/2011 10:51

I didn't mean that for you, OP. I was replying to Loudlass.

TidyDancer · 11/09/2011 10:53

It really isn't. There's a tentative similarity, but it's not enough to make the 'behaviour' of the husband in your example comparable to that of the OP's ILs.

Original poster
fivecandles · 11/09/2011 10:57

Why the first anniversary party? OK, I had a whole list of things I didn't want for my wedding. I didn't want a wedding dress, speeches or to be the centre of attention, I didn't want to spend loads of money. I wanted a nice day during which we got all the legal odds and ends sorted out and made our love and commitment official but in as informal a way as possible.

We can have a 1st anniversary party at minimal expense without any of the above but still be a nice happy celebratory occasion. If we'd had the party after the wedding it would have been a wedding reception with all the cost and formalities that that involves.

I repeat if people on here feel able to make judgements and criticisms about how someone they don't know gets married and chooses to celebrate it I dread to think what it would have been like if I had gone public before I did get married. And I can only feel truly thankful that I didn't. I would have absolutely hated all the stress, conflcit and attention to details that to me are trivial and costly.

OP posts:
CardyMow · 11/09/2011 10:58

It means that they aren't entitled to put their hurt above normal behaviour - which would be congratulating the OP and her DH. Maybe I didn't make that clear to start with.

It wasn't their wedding, why should they be hurt about the fact that the two people getting married chose to have the wedding that was important to them? Surely as parents, we want our dc to do what makes THEM happy, not what we as parents would chose for them to do? Surely it is not for the parents to decide how their children get married, or to steamroller over their dc's wishes?

As the OP has clarified, the MIL also has problems with the OP's DH for being atheist - surely they would be happy for their son that he has made his own decisions in life? I can't understand people that think their emotional wellbeing relies on their dc having exactly the same life values as them, and getting angry and issuing threats (we won't see the grandchildren as we are so upset with you for having your wedding like this) when their dc don't do things the way they want them to.

The whole point in bringing up children is to teach them to spread their wings and fly, and taking pleasure from the fact that as adults they are capable of making their own decisions on things?

Psammead · 11/09/2011 10:58

Loudlass, really? Being upset for not being invited to a party is the same as being upset for your son not inviting you to see him exchange wedding vows with the woman he wants to spend his life with? Really? It is perfectly possible to experience different degrees of upset. How is MIL being emotionally abusive? She is being upset. That is not the same thing.

I am so glad DH and I are close to both our families. I think if you have a bad relationship with your family it must be really hard to understand the closeness of other families, leading to this kind of situation.

stripeybump · 11/09/2011 11:00

I love AIBU threads where the OP only wants to hear posts that say she is NBU Grin

Original poster
fivecandles · 11/09/2011 11:00

'but your MIL did welcome you to the family in a way by sending you both money and a letter.'

But can you not see how a card addressed to us both preceded by and followed by lots of very emotive stuff about how she's not getting any younger and how upset she is etc is actually NOT very congratulatory or welcoming into her family???

OP posts:
DandyLioness · 11/09/2011 11:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ImperialBlether · 11/09/2011 11:01

Fivecandles, you have asked a bunch of strangers whether you were unreasonable in getting married without telling your families.

About half have said you were reasonable, that you can do whatever you want in life and if other people are upset by your actions, that's their look out.

The rest have said that if our children did the same, we would be very, very hurt.

You've responded by saying that a bunch of strangers have criticised you.

What the hell do you think AIBU is?

As DandyLioness said so eloquently,

Er, the reason strangers are judging the way in which you chose to get married is because you wrote a thread in AIBU about it, you silly moo

TidyDancer · 11/09/2011 11:01

That's not what you said, Loudlass. You plainly said they weren't entitled to be hurt. I think you're backtracking.

And OP, you posted in AIBU. By definition you asked for judgement. But well done for not flouncing.