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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Because I didn't have a go at this woman?

211 replies

BupcakesandCunting · 08/09/2011 14:36

On the bus just with my 4 year old. He likes to sit on those "high-up" seats behind the driver's cabin because he can see out of the window properly. The bus was pretty much empty so he sat himself in one of these two seats and I sat in the first "normal" seat after his seat.

About four stops later, two women get on the bus. One is about sixty-five, the other looks slightly younger. The elder of the two sat on the other high up seat next to my son, then her friend said to him "Can I ask you to move onto another seat please?" He looked a bit startled but got up and moved... then promptly burst out crying (probably tired as first week at school!) He didn't know why the woman had made him move from his seat and it really upset him. I thought she might have acknowledged me since she made my son move from his seat for some reason that I can't work out (these seats aren't disabled seats or designated for other passengers and since the bus was empty, the two women could have still sat together, just on another pair of seats)

My boy cried all the way home, the lady sat behind me made eye contact with me and told me that I shouldn't have let her dictate to my son about seating. Blush DS has been asking why I let the lady be rude to him and why she was allowed to take his seat. I would use the paying child versus non-paying child argument but she had a bus pass, or the infirm and elderly argument (needing seat closer to door) but she was very able-bodied (had rambling clothes on and a huge rucksack)

Should I have stuck up for my son and let him stay sat there? He's really cross about it! He's not a brat btw, I would just imagine being sat staring out of a window minding your own then told to leave your seat is a bit weird when you're four!

OP posts:
heleninahandcart · 09/09/2011 10:58

Bupcakes yet again on AIBU I cannot believe some of the responses you have got. Indeed The women on the bus weren't anywhere near as rude of some of the posters on this thread

Jeremy Vile was not on this morning. Just saying Hmm

LadyBeagleEyes · 09/09/2011 11:20

It wasn't a disabled seat so they were just rude in my opinion.
I think I would have got up and sat beside him and smiled and said "oh, he likes the high up seat, I'll sit with him and you can have my seat".
I would never dream of doing this to a child in these circumstances, it was just blatantly unfair.

LadyBeagleEyes · 09/09/2011 11:36

I knew all the 'hidden disability' posts would start coming on.
But asking a child to move on an empy bus is not an excuse.
After all he might have had a 'hidden disability'.
If you're not prepared to ask an adult to move then you have no right to ask a child either.
If the bus was full I'd just sit my ds on my knee.(at that age obviously, he's 16 now) Grin. Otherwise he was as entitled to the seat as anybody else.
UANBU bupcakes

OTheHugeRaveningWolef · 09/09/2011 11:48

YANBU to not have a go at the old lady. It was a useful lesson for your DS: firstly that old people should be treated with respect, and secondly that life is sometimes unfair.

oldraver · 09/09/2011 11:54

Unless she had a very good reason ie some unseen medical condition that necessatated her sitting there, then she was rude but

Your son cried all the way home, really ?

Original poster
BupcakesandCunting · 09/09/2011 11:58

Yes, cried all the way home. For three bus stops. Five minutes.

For the millionth time. Grin

OP posts:
thisisyesterday · 09/09/2011 12:02

she asked him to move... he did so.

to say this is a non-issue is really overstating it isn't it?

if i had said anything in the situation it would have been to my child. to point out that they did a nice thing and that there was no need to cry.

thisisyesterday · 09/09/2011 12:02

and the lady wasn't rude.
she NICELY asked if he would move.

and he did....

LadyBeagleEyes · 09/09/2011 12:08

But why the fuck should he have moved thisisyesterday?
There were plenty of other seats on the bus, but because she was an adult and he was a child, she thought it was her right.
And no it's not an issue or a non issue, it's a thread on AIBU.
But if that is how you feel, it's obviously far too unimportant to post twice about it really.

SnakeOnCrack · 09/09/2011 12:12

Firstly, it doesn't sound like she was an "old" lady. My mum who is 62 wouldn't be impressed with that description!

In your place I think my sense of injustice would have come to the fore and I'd have piped up said (perfectly politely) "I think he's happy where he is actually" and told him he was ok to stay where he was.

There were other seats for these ladies.

So yes, YABU for not telling her to bugger off (ever so politely obviously).

AND as a ps, I don't believe in this "respect your elders" garbage. EVERYONE should get respect, not just because they're older than you. What about her respect for this child? Works both ways!

woowoo2 · 09/09/2011 12:30

Sorry but I can't believe your 4 year old is 'really cross about it'

JeremyVile · 09/09/2011 12:39

She's an over-entitled old arse.

No need for her to shift a 4yo sitting happily looking out the window. Some people are weird.

JeremyVile · 09/09/2011 12:42

A young child would rarely say no to this sort of request from an adult, as she would have known so, IMO, whether she asked politely or ordered is neither here nor there.

SiamoFottuti · 09/09/2011 12:53

over-entitled? Shes far more entitled to the seat than a small child, for gods sake. She's spent over half a century contributing to society, that should earn you something.

thisisyesterday · 09/09/2011 12:57

nhe didn't "have" to move though Lady.

he could have said no.
or bupcakes could have said "no, actually he really wants to sit there"

she asked him nicely, he moved.

how on earth is that a problem?

Original poster
BupcakesandCunting · 09/09/2011 12:57

You don't know my four year old, woowoo.

Oh God, Siamo is back! How do you know whether she's contributed to society?! She could be a drug-dealing pimp for all you know. Don't assume that just because she is "old" doesn't automatically mean she's a gentle, cake-baking church-goer who probably slogged her guts out down the mines.

Why is it that only the older generation are entitled (ugh, fucking loathe that word. Causes so much bother IMO) to respect? No wonder so many kids grow up not respecting their elders. They're treated like invisible beings by most of them.

OP posts:
SiamoFottuti · 09/09/2011 13:10

Yeah, good argument. Teach your kid that he's a little prince and can demand respect from his elders. That will help him be a polite and well rounded member of society. Hmm

I'm so glad I don't live in the UK, here we still try to respect older people and try and make their lives a little easier. You just care that you spoiled child not be incovenienced in anyway.

Which country was it was over-run by looters and rioters again?

takethisonehereforastart · 09/09/2011 13:13

Bupcakes I don't think you were unreasonable, I think you did everything just right.

And I can understand why you are still "arguing" with people on here, when your son is being called "precious" and people are implying there is something wrong with him being upset by something he doesn't understand at four years old. Especially with all the questioning of how he "cried all the way home" when you have said in your opening post that you had already been on the bus for about four stops and repeated several times since then that at that point there were only three more stops and only five minutes of journey time left to go.

To an adult this is trivial, you yourself would have written it off as a minor incident if that woman hadn't butted in saying you should have ranted at the 'old' lady, but to your son it's a confusing thing that hasn't happened to him before and left him feeling upset because he didn't understand it. He was having a nice time looking out of the window one minute and being asked to move by a stranger the next. As a child, he reacted perfectly normally by not liking that and coming to you for comfort and reassurance.

You shouldn't have to justify that. Getting upset at four because you have been asked to move from your seat on the bus and you don't understand what you had done wrong is part of the learning curve that will mean at fourteen, he won't care.

She asked him to move, for whatever reason. He reacted in a perfectly normal way for a very young child. You reacted in the right way for a reasonable adult, by comforting him and telling him it was nothing to get upset over. The buttinski behind you reacted in the wrong way, probably because she was bored on the bus and wanted to be part of a drama that wasn't really there. And somewhere in your sons head he is processing all of this and working out for himself that being asked to give up his seat on the bus isn't something he needs to get upset over in the future. And if it happens again, I bet he won't cry next time.

Anyway, the point of this isn't whether a four year old is right or wrong to cry or feel cross over what to an adult would be a minor incident. It's whether you were right or wrong to let it go with the woman rather than confront her and concentrate on comforting and reassuring your son that he hadn't done anything wrong, either by sitting in that seat or moving from it.

Original poster
BupcakesandCunting · 09/09/2011 13:13

My child is not treated like a little prince. I didn't indulge him one bit.

Oh yeah, cos we only have rioters in England. Hmm

You really are beyond dense. I'm no engaging with you any further.

OP posts:
Original poster
BupcakesandCunting · 09/09/2011 13:17

"Anyway, the point of this isn't whether a four year old is right or wrong to cry or feel cross over what to an adult would be a minor incident. It's whether you were right or wrong to let it go with the woman rather than confront her and concentrate on comforting and reassuring your son that he hadn't done anything wrong, either by sitting in that seat or moving from it."

Thanks. That's my point exactly. I KNOW that sobbing over a bus seat is really irrational, but I am 31. Four year olds have no sense of perspective, well mine doesn't, I think that I must be the only one who has a little kid who melts down at such trivial shit. My question is was I right to not be bothered enough to say anything (even if inside, I did think it was odd behaviour) and it seems that most people think that I was right to keep schtum. I don't see why belittling a four year old for having a tantrum is helpful. He is four. If he was ten and behaving like that, he'd be told to get a grip of himself.

OP posts:
takethisonehereforastart · 09/09/2011 13:18

And there isn't anything wrong with asking a child to stand for an older person if the bus is full. I'd bet that Bupcakes has taught her son this already and reminds him frequently if necessary. But this bus wasn't full, there were plenty of other seats, and for all the talk of hidden disabilities or wanting to sit by her older friend, we are just guessing. We don't know why she asked him to move and a four year old isn't going to be thinking about hidden disabilities or anything else, he's just going to see a stranger asking him to move for no reason that he can understand yet.

SiamoFottuti · 09/09/2011 13:18

You have people falling over themselves to side with a small child against a pensioner over a seat request, and I'm dense.
This is a non-issue. Anyone with the slightest manners would have removed their child and gladly given the lady the seat. Its called basic common decency, which many people on this thread (and presumably then, many people in your country) seem to lack.

And we don't have any rioters rampaging through the streets here, so yes, you do stand out in that regard.

LadyBeagleEyes · 09/09/2011 13:22

You're being ridiculous Siamo.
We should respect people that are respectful to us.
How can you teach a four year old to respect an older person, who was completely in the wrong.?

Lambethlil · 09/09/2011 13:23

Her child did move!

Sheesh

LadyBeagleEyes · 09/09/2011 13:31

Yes he did move.
But he shouldn't have had to imo.
In an imaginary scenario, I would have told the ladies in question, politely and succinctly to fuck off, that ds was staying put, and I was joining him.
In RL I'd seethe inwardly like you but say nothing Grin