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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Because I didn't have a go at this woman?

211 replies

BupcakesandCunting · 08/09/2011 14:36

On the bus just with my 4 year old. He likes to sit on those "high-up" seats behind the driver's cabin because he can see out of the window properly. The bus was pretty much empty so he sat himself in one of these two seats and I sat in the first "normal" seat after his seat.

About four stops later, two women get on the bus. One is about sixty-five, the other looks slightly younger. The elder of the two sat on the other high up seat next to my son, then her friend said to him "Can I ask you to move onto another seat please?" He looked a bit startled but got up and moved... then promptly burst out crying (probably tired as first week at school!) He didn't know why the woman had made him move from his seat and it really upset him. I thought she might have acknowledged me since she made my son move from his seat for some reason that I can't work out (these seats aren't disabled seats or designated for other passengers and since the bus was empty, the two women could have still sat together, just on another pair of seats)

My boy cried all the way home, the lady sat behind me made eye contact with me and told me that I shouldn't have let her dictate to my son about seating. Blush DS has been asking why I let the lady be rude to him and why she was allowed to take his seat. I would use the paying child versus non-paying child argument but she had a bus pass, or the infirm and elderly argument (needing seat closer to door) but she was very able-bodied (had rambling clothes on and a huge rucksack)

Should I have stuck up for my son and let him stay sat there? He's really cross about it! He's not a brat btw, I would just imagine being sat staring out of a window minding your own then told to leave your seat is a bit weird when you're four!

OP posts:
Sookeh · 08/09/2011 16:25

Is he usually so sensitive or do you think there might be something at school upsetting him?

I don't think you're indulging him by comforting him if he's upset.

Blimey MN is bad tempered today...

Original poster
BupcakesandCunting · 08/09/2011 16:25

Oh and this isn't an old lady-bashing thread. I must say I've never really encountered these fearsome old battleaxes that get posted about on here. All of the old ladies/men around here are lovely and very child-tolerant, IME.

OP posts:
Original poster
BupcakesandCunting · 08/09/2011 16:28

Oh Siamo, read my posts. I said that I thought I wasn't being unreasonable in NOT saying anything. I was just wondering what others might have done/said seeing as a total stranger berated me for not saying anything.

You're obviously dying for a scrap. Go and find one elsewhere. You're effectively having a pop at me because I DIDN'T think it was necessary to "have a go" at this person and for just checking what others think. Christ.

OP posts:
Original poster
BupcakesandCunting · 08/09/2011 16:29

Oh and living six decades longer than someone gives you carte blanche to demand that people jump to the beat of your drum? Hmm

OP posts:
Tiredmumno1 · 08/09/2011 16:29

Pample what part of 'the bus was pretty much empty' did you not understand?

bagpusss · 08/09/2011 16:30

Essentially, she wanted to have a natter with her friend, who, as older, may have been more comfortable on the higher seat. They probably do that regularly. Those particular seats were not available, so they should have sat elsewhere as seats were available. It is certainly insensitive of the women to force a small child to move seats to indulge their territorial whim. I can well imagine being nonplussed by the situation and not saying anything. I think your worst crime is having not been quick-witted enough in the moment. If I were you, I'd now tell your boy that the ladies were a little rude and that you are sorry about it, but that if the same thing were to happen again, he wouldn't have to move seats.
NB: your boy may have reacted strongly to the situation, crying due to tiredness, but I am sure that that was not what the lady intended. I can't imagine that every 4yo would react that way.

MadamDeathstare · 08/09/2011 16:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Ormirian · 08/09/2011 16:31

No you weren't unreasonable.

The woman wasn't rude or horrible to him. She asked quite politely and he (being a well-brought up and polite child) did as he was asked. It's a shame he was upset but as you suggested it was probably because he was overtired rather than because she was nasty.

If you had ranted and raved at her you would have been unreasonable.

messymammy · 08/09/2011 16:31

Bupcakes I don't understand why you are still arguing with people who have said YABU?
Is it not what you wanted to hear?

Tiredmumno1 · 08/09/2011 16:32

And op i think you were very dignified in not saying anything, so well done,

If they wanted to sit together then a few extra steps wouldnt have killed them

Ormirian · 08/09/2011 16:32

"f she had congratulated your DS on his courtesy and consideration for others instead, I bet he would have stopped crying and felt really good about himself."

Exactly. Accentuate the positive!

SiamoFottuti · 08/09/2011 16:33

you wrote the title, which means you must have considered it. You wouldn't need to check what others think otherwise, would you?

And yeah, living that much longer does mean that small children should give them a seat. Called old-fashioned respect, there used to be a lot of it around, less these days. I wonder why that is?

Original poster
BupcakesandCunting · 08/09/2011 16:33

Well, that's kind of what I thought too MDS. Like I say, I did think it was a bit odd but then people are odd, most of the time, especially where I live. I let queue-jumpers go without comment because I tend to live by the "you don't know what's going on with them" code.

But then I got scolded (she was arsey about it) for not saying anything. I think that that wound me up, really. She kind of undid the work I was trying to do, explaining why people need/want the seats/telling DS he did a kind thing.

OP posts:
stripeywoollenhat · 08/09/2011 16:36

50% of old women cannot maintain normal levels of civility when experiencing public transportation.

that's a true fact, that.

Tiredmumno1 · 08/09/2011 16:36

Messy what is she being unreasonable about, she was asking what others would have done, because bupcakes didnt actually do anything did she?

Original poster
BupcakesandCunting · 08/09/2011 16:36

messymammy I am only arguing with siamo. I don't think that explaining yourself/actions constitutes arguing.

OP posts:
Original poster
BupcakesandCunting · 08/09/2011 16:37

messymammy is another spiky one looking for a fight. Although about what, I don't know. Not really a lot to fight about. I didn't think that I was being U not to kick up a stink. I checked what other MNers might think. A couple of MNers think that this is reason for an internet scrappy-doo.

Weird.

OP posts:
HerHissyness · 08/09/2011 16:38

I'd be the first to say 'Get over it' if the bus was full and this 'lady' asked for a seat, but it seems she asked him because he was 4, and wouldn't have done had he been 14 or 24 or older.

As I said, I think you were right not to have had a go. It'd have fed into her over grown sense of entitlement.

I may have loudly parented on exiting the bus though!

"There there little chap, it's OK, nearly home now,

No I have no idea why she insisted on taking the seat you were in.
Perhaps she has one of those Compulsive Disorders where she has to get her own way.

Can you say Compulsive poppet, have a try? say after me COM...PUL...SIVE....

aldiwhore · 08/09/2011 16:38

I think you did the right thing to say nothing as I don't believe it would have been worth the aggro... on the other hand I can totally understand your anger and your son's upset.

I think its a cue for a chat with your son about how sometimes life can be unfair, you cannot control everyone's reactions but you can choose only how to conduct yourself.... I've had this chat with my eldest, and he CHOSE that he never wished to be rude or upsetting to anyone because he didn't like how it would make him feel.

Good can come out of things like this. Shame the woman's mother never had that chat with her. Its her loss.

MadamDeathstare · 08/09/2011 16:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WhoseGotMyEyebrows · 08/09/2011 16:41

"it was very generous of you to give up your seat when the lady could have just as easily sat somewhere else"

I quite like that.

WhoseGotMyEyebrows · 08/09/2011 16:42

SiamoFottuti You should have told him not to be so daft no matter what she said.

Really? You'd tell a 4 year old off and call him daft for crying. They are allowed to cry you know and do it quite a lot!

LRDTheFeministDragon · 08/09/2011 16:43

I would not be at all surprised if she wouldn't have said this to an adult. That is rude. Just as rude as people who say to children 'I'll just nip in front of you in the queue', as someone did in Tesco to the lad queuing behind me yesterday. Some people think children don't really count. A four year old won't realize he could say 'no, sorry' to an adult, so it is pushy IMO to ask him to give up his seat merely so she can sit with her mate.

Original poster
BupcakesandCunting · 08/09/2011 16:44

HerHissyness Grin Tbh, my "having a go at" would have consisted of some very passive-aggressive comments being made within earshot of the lady, to DS... "The little old ladies like those seats. You were very nice to give it to one." She was not a little old lady and I imagine that would have riled her up. Wink

Aldiwhore, I'm always having this chat with DS (consequences of your actions on others) I drill into him about thinking of others, being polite, use your manners, be kind etc etc. I think that being four, he thinks that everyone else has been taught the same and feels hard done by if people don't act the same way to him.

OP posts:
SiamoFottuti · 08/09/2011 16:46

I wouldn't tell him off, thats not what I said. I would have told him not to be crying at something so insignificant. But then I have a four year old that cries when his socks aren't perfectly straight across his toes, I tell him not to be crying all the time. And usually he stops pretty quick. If a child is being oversensitive you don't indulge him by agreeing with the nonsense.

Gotta love the "how dare she say that to a child" brigade. Your precious poppets must never be spoken to by others!