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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Because I didn't have a go at this woman?

211 replies

BupcakesandCunting · 08/09/2011 14:36

On the bus just with my 4 year old. He likes to sit on those "high-up" seats behind the driver's cabin because he can see out of the window properly. The bus was pretty much empty so he sat himself in one of these two seats and I sat in the first "normal" seat after his seat.

About four stops later, two women get on the bus. One is about sixty-five, the other looks slightly younger. The elder of the two sat on the other high up seat next to my son, then her friend said to him "Can I ask you to move onto another seat please?" He looked a bit startled but got up and moved... then promptly burst out crying (probably tired as first week at school!) He didn't know why the woman had made him move from his seat and it really upset him. I thought she might have acknowledged me since she made my son move from his seat for some reason that I can't work out (these seats aren't disabled seats or designated for other passengers and since the bus was empty, the two women could have still sat together, just on another pair of seats)

My boy cried all the way home, the lady sat behind me made eye contact with me and told me that I shouldn't have let her dictate to my son about seating. Blush DS has been asking why I let the lady be rude to him and why she was allowed to take his seat. I would use the paying child versus non-paying child argument but she had a bus pass, or the infirm and elderly argument (needing seat closer to door) but she was very able-bodied (had rambling clothes on and a huge rucksack)

Should I have stuck up for my son and let him stay sat there? He's really cross about it! He's not a brat btw, I would just imagine being sat staring out of a window minding your own then told to leave your seat is a bit weird when you're four!

OP posts:
Bellavita · 08/09/2011 15:51

How was she idulging him? Because she let him sit in a high up seat?

Oh blimey...

SiamoFottuti · 08/09/2011 15:53

indulging his sensitivity. At least read before posting.

Hullygully · 08/09/2011 15:53

She was rude. But it would have been terribly difficult and embarrassing for youto say anything because she is old and mad. I would just have whispered to my dc that some people are mad old bats and then glared at her for the duration.

Bellavita · 08/09/2011 15:55

He is 4 not some teenager!

Bellavita · 08/09/2011 15:57

And I haven't got my reading glasses on Blush

LadyClariceCannockMonty · 08/09/2011 16:01

I think she ought to have asked you if you could ask your son to move. I don't think I'd address a four-year-old direct. At the very least I'd look at the parent first to 'include' them before starting an exchange.

But I agree, she might have had an invisible disability or reason she found a high seat easier or better. And I do think crying about it for so long is a bit extreme even for a four-year-old.

TheFantasticFixit · 08/09/2011 16:03

I totally get where you are coming from Bupcakes. I wonder if people who are eye rolling and all that shiz actually use the buses

It wasn't s priority seat, she wasn't AGED, she didn't have the 'right' to move your child. I suspect she wanted to sit next to her friend. No doubt I will be flamed for a MN lifetime for saying this but OLD LADIES (not that 60ish is actually old aged any longer, according to me mother) CAN BE BLOODY RUDE. I am 7 months pregnant and was practically knocked sideways by an old dear on the bus the other day who wanted to grab the priority seat. Whats the 'etiquette' there then eh? 7 months pregnant with SPD versus a 65 year old bolshy grandma with no bloody manners?

YANBU. She was rude. Very rude.

What's with all this shiz as well that suddenly people can't post about something that has wound them up/mildly upset them without all the netmums coming out of the woodwork crowing about worse problems? It's not a bloody competition people...

(Sorry for rant btw - buses get right on my hormonal wick at the moment. Counting the days to maternity leave and I can leave my 1.5 hour 2 bus journey behind me for a year)

libelulle · 08/09/2011 16:12

ah but thefantasticfixit, someone will be along shortly to tell you that pregnancy is not an illness and that being 7 months pregnant with SPD does not entitle you to a priority seat - you should be walking 6 miles to work rather than potentially mildly inconveniencing a rude old bat sweet little old lady. Mothers and small children according to some MNers are pretty much the scum of the earth, and have to rights or entitlements to anything at all. Sitting undisturbed on an empty bus? What a gigantic sense of entitlement small children have these days.

Original poster
BupcakesandCunting · 08/09/2011 16:13

I don't think I indulged him. I didn't insist that he be allowed to stay in his seat and I explained to him that sometimes older people feel better sitting in those seats and that he should be kind and allow them to, even if internally I was doing Hmm face.

He isn't even that sensitive a kid, tbh. Like I said, first week at "big" school; he is feeling tired ergo narky and I am probably being a bit defensive of him... My instinct wasn't to have a pop at her, that's why I didn't. I did think to myself "weird woman" but I wouldn't say anything because I believe in choosing battles and all that. The woman berating me from behind made me wonder if I was being reasonable. That's all I was asking. It's not like actually tore her a new one for something so pathetic. I didn't think I was being unreasonable, just wanted to ask if others did....

OP posts:
Bluebell99 · 08/09/2011 16:13

I think you should have sat next to him, then it wouldn't have happened.

Proudnscary · 08/09/2011 16:15

This opening post is why I left AIBU for months.

Original poster
BupcakesandCunting · 08/09/2011 16:16

Oh FantasticFixIt, I totally sympathise with any heavily pregnant lady doing a bus commute! I remember being almost two weeks over and being sat wincing in discomfort as someone's bag of shopping dug into my bump for 45 minutes. Grin

OP posts:
Floggingmolly · 08/09/2011 16:16

I'd be a bit Hmm at a 4 year old deciding an elderly woman was rude to him, to be honest. Very precious behaviour (and she didn't sound rude anyway). I really wouldn't encourage this.

ShoutyHamster · 08/09/2011 16:17

I think it's rude.

I doubt she would have asked an adult to move. You'd be gobsmacked, wouldn't you, if someone just fancied your (not priority or anything) seat and sort of instructed you to move so she could sit by her friend!

If an adult was sitting in one of the seats (i.e. it was already TAKEN) then the friend and she would have just sat elsewhere.

But your DS is a little boy and can therefore be ordered about...

I really dislike seeing that kind of casual rudeness to children. It's very much an older generation thing and I can understand it and I know that they don't see it as rude. And it's not something that really makes my blood boil or anything. It's just something that makes me lose a little bit of respect for any adult when they do it. It's slightly bullying - I'm bigger so I call the shots.

I'm probably not explaining it very well. Maybe a better way to say it is; when I see an adult who naturally speaks to a child with a level of consideration and respect - simple humanity, if you will - I always am left thinking, 'Now there's a real lady/gentleman'. And - funny - children always seem to pick up on it and 'rise to the challenge' of being afforded respect as a proper person and not just a wee scrap.

'I was wondering if I could ask you if you wouldn't mind taking another seat and could let me sit by my friend. Thankyou young man, that's very kind of you, I very much appreciate it.'

A bit better perhaps - not much.

YouHaveNoPowerOverMe · 08/09/2011 16:18

I would have told her to fuck off to please sit somewhere else as my son was there first, and unless you have a disability I can't see then there is plenty of other seats for you to choose from, Thank-you and Good day!

I do agree with others that your son crying for so long about it is a bit weird, especially when you could have stopped it by telling him how nice he was for giving up his seat for the lady.

I feckin hate buses anyway and avoid wherever possible!

SiamoFottuti · 08/09/2011 16:18

you let him cry all the way home and are telling us how cross he is. He's 4, a pensioner asking him to move shouldn't even register on his radar. Do yes I'd say you're indulging him in being silly about it.

MadamDeathstare · 08/09/2011 16:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 08/09/2011 16:19

The high-up seats must be a boon to an elderly person or someone with trouble getting up from the lower down seats.

I don't think the lady was rude to your son and if he would be mine, I would have asked him to stop grizzling. I hate grizzly, crying children, although I do accept that he might have been tired. It's no way to behave though.

pamplemousserose · 08/09/2011 16:20

If he's four you didn't pay a fare for him so if the bus is crowded he's not entitled to a seat, he's supposed to sit on your lap.

Original poster
BupcakesandCunting · 08/09/2011 16:20

"'I was wondering if I could ask you if you wouldn't mind taking another seat and could let me sit by my friend. Thankyou young man, that's very kind of you, I very much appreciate it.'

A bit better perhaps - not much."

No, it's much better. If she'd even just said "Could I pinch your seat please? My friend likes sitting on these ones and I'd like to sit by her" I'd have told him not to be daft about crying. Perfectly reasonable request, IMO.

OP posts:
Insomnia11 · 08/09/2011 16:21

OLD LADIES (not that 60ish is actually old aged any longer, according to me mother) CAN BE BLOODY RUDE.

I won't flame you for it. I've had far more rudeness from middle aged and older folk than I've ever had from younger people.

OLD PEOPLE TODAY DON'T KNOW THEY'RE BORN, WHAT WITH THEIR PENSIONS, WINTER FUEL ALLOWANCE, FREE BUS PASSES, POSSIBILITY OF GOING TO UNIVERSITY ON A FULL GRANT AND NO FEES, ABILITY TO BUY A HOUSE WITH A MORTGAGE FOR 2 X ONE PERSON'S SALARY...and breathe

ImeldaM · 08/09/2011 16:23

I think I might have said loudly "I'm sure that lady has a very good reason for wanting to take your seat and you were very polite to get up"

hester · 08/09/2011 16:23

So often, the rudeness is in the tone, isn't it? So how can anyone posting on this thread, except the OP, state that she wasn't rude? OP was there and she tells us she was rude, and I believe her.

Of course we have to keep our blood pressure down about the many minute incivilities of daily life, but that doesn't mean incidents like this aren't important. Being rude to children is not acceptable, and must be one of the reasons why when they get to adolescence some of them take such delight in disrespecting adults in public spaces. Plus, for those of us who use public transport all the time, it is a significant part of our lives and the interpersonal dynamics and etiquette that get played out on a bus contribute quite significantly to the kind of society we live in.

There. Pompous rant over.

Original poster
BupcakesandCunting · 08/09/2011 16:23

The bus was empty, pamplemousse.

Also, when I say he cried all the way home I think I might be giving the impression he cried for the next half an hour, but "all the way home" was three stops so more like 5 minutes. Wink I totally tried to stop him crying by telling him he was nice for shifting (don't much like listening to blarting kids, whether it's mine or not) but four year olds don't tend to operate on the same rational wavelength as us old codgers!

OP posts:
SiamoFottuti · 08/09/2011 16:24

She's lived 6 decades longer than your son, she doesn't ahve to get down on her knees and beg him.
You should have told him not to be so daft no matter what she said. As for wondering if you should have "had a go at her", words fail me to be honest. Where are your manners?