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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not wash my DH's clothes?

283 replies

CailinDana · 07/09/2011 09:57

I thought I'd start a thread on this as I mentioned it within another thread and got some Shock responses. I have never washed my DH's clothes and I never will unless he becomes ill or incapacitated. I'm a SAHM and I do wash DS's clothes. As far as I'm concerned clothes washing is part of personal hygiene, it's a person's own business to ensure they have clean underwear and I'm not getting involved. There is no way on earth I would pick up DH's dirty underpants and socks (usually from the floor where they reside) and I just don't have time to hang it all out and take it all in. Once DS is old enough (about 10 is reasonable I think) he will become responsible for his own washing. Doing washing for someone else strikes me as a bit servile to be honest.

I don't iron anything ever. DH has his own wash basket. He has never complained about this situation. AIBU?

OP posts:
Original poster
CailinDana · 07/09/2011 11:57

Wow harsh Journey

OP posts:
Badtasteflump · 07/09/2011 12:04

Yes a bit harsh - doesn't sound like lazyness to me; more that you seem to want to make a point TBH.

paulapantsdown · 07/09/2011 12:06

So what happens with the bedsheets? Do you just wash the half you slept on?! What about towels and tea towels? Seems like a bit of an issue being made about something that is just part of family life and teamwork.

nickelbabe · 07/09/2011 12:13

she's already said that she washed the communal stuff, which includes sheets and towels.

nocake · 07/09/2011 12:15

It sounds like a very inefficient way to divide up tasks around the house and you're more likely to be washing small loads, which is less ebergy and cost efficient. But if it works for you then that's fine.

I'll also add that my mum didn't make me (or my sister) wash our own clothes when we were kids but both of us have grown up able to work a washing machine. We were just expected to help around the house and that sometimes meant putting a load of washing on, which could be sheets, towels or clothes belonging to any and every member of the family.

HeavyHeidi · 07/09/2011 12:22

Nobody argues with the desire to keep things equal, but as said, I also agree that you have picked a somewhat peculiar way to do it. Like everybody running the dishwasher for his own cup and plate, when you could just do a load for the whole family. Just seems to be more about making a point than actual sharing.

PontyMython · 07/09/2011 12:58

I do most of the laundry.

DH does most of the washing up.

I think I got the better deal :o

Original poster
CailinDana · 07/09/2011 13:02

It would be interesting to know Ponty if anyone would say that your DH doesn't love you or is odd or that you're going to leave him because he doesn't wash your clothes.

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thekidsmom · 07/09/2011 13:03

I do all the washing for 5 people in this house. What would be the point of separating stuff out of the linen baskets? It would take more effort to sort than to just throw it in....

Original poster
CailinDana · 07/09/2011 13:04

DH and I have separate baskets thekidsmom

OP posts:
Original poster
CailinDana · 07/09/2011 13:06

As I've said before if I didn't have this system then we would "share" washing which would mean DH would avoid washing as much as he could then I would have to nag him to do it, he would put the stuff in the machine and leave it there so I'd have to nag him to take it out, then he'd take it out and leave it there so I'd have to nag him to hang it out, and so on and so on. So my option would be nag nag nag or do it all myself, neither of which is very appealing. So I just wash my own and DS's clothes and leave his clothes to himself. Problem solved.

OP posts:
Janiston · 07/09/2011 13:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

steamedtreaclesponge · 07/09/2011 13:09

I am amazed at some of the responses that you're getting, OP. I think it sounds perfectly reasonable - you've got a system that works for you and that's great.

As for the idea of washing your DP's clothes as an act of love - what the actual fuck? I think your last point hits it right on the head - you're expected to do it because you're the woman of the house, and if you don't there must be something wrong with you. Total bollocks.

Original poster
CailinDana · 07/09/2011 13:09

My husband doesn't work anywhere near 11 hours a day!

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startail · 07/09/2011 13:09

This makes no sense. As others have said I just wouldn't have sensible sized light and dark loads without DHs white shirts. The DDs would need to own twice as many school blouses. DH's smelly stuff would hang about for a fortnight at least before he had a dark and a light load.
Towels would never be washed, everyone denies responsibility for the ones on the floor as it is.

Original poster
CailinDana · 07/09/2011 13:11

I do wonder how many people on this thread have a partner who actually genuinely does half of the washing and how many do the entire lot themselves. IMO if you're doing the entire job yourself then that's not shared labour and it's no better than the system I have. If you both do it equally then great, you have it worked out very well and I'd love to be able to rely on DH to do my washing from start to finish in a timely fashion!

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Original poster
CailinDana · 07/09/2011 13:13

I have to admit I'm not careful about separating light and dark, everything just goes in together. I used to more anal about that but I gave up and it actually makes no difference as far as I can see. So basically any washing that's there just gets lumped in together. I always do a full load so there's no waste involved.

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Whatmeworry · 07/09/2011 13:14

Wow so he's going to leave me because I don't wash his clothes?? Time warp to the 50's alert!

You clearly don't read MN a lot OP, "leave him" is the standard joke refrain to this sort of thing. In fact, the fact that you didn't pick that up makes me go hmmmm....

But (assuming this is all genuine) to me this is a pointer to a much bigger thing, a meanness of spirit - and that IMO will cause ructions over time - 1950's or 2010's.

Jux · 07/09/2011 13:17

DH does all his own washing and ironing. I don't need to iron my clothes, dd's don't need ironing (except for one or two dresses) and dh likes his stuff ironed in exactly the right order and has ridiculous demands about folding etc, also he irons his jeans and I have never ironed jeans in my life and never will. I'm damned if I'm getting the iron out every week to do his stuff when I probably iron about 4 times a year otherwise.

He complained every time I washed his clothes with mine or with mine and dd's, as I use fabric softener and he doesn't like it. Wash your own then, I said. So he does.

HeavyHeidi · 07/09/2011 13:25

But sharing housework does not mean that you have to share each and every task 50-50. I'm totally ok doing 100% of the washing when DH does 100% of cat litter changing. Or if I clean the kitchen and he does the bathroom, not that we both do half each. It's still shared labour.

unreasonableme · 07/09/2011 13:31

Sounds very odd to me. If I only have a half load on I'll ask my faltmate if he has anything he wants me to throw in. And if he's going away he's learnt that I'd rather he just left me his clothes, as then I have enough whites to justify a whites-only wash, and can also do the lights and darks separately too. If I go away I leave a HUGE pile by the washing machine knowing it'll be clean and folded on my bed when I return!

However, I was slightly bemused the other day when I asked if he'd meant the clothes that were lying in the sitting room and which I'd dumped in his bedroom when I'd been tidying to be washed. He said no, he was using them, then promptly went and dumped his "dirties" pile in my hands. [hmmm]

Original poster
CailinDana · 07/09/2011 13:32

So Heidi what's the problem in that case with splitting one of the tasks? Or does one person have to do 100% of task in order to avoid being "odd" and "mean"? Whatmeworry I have no idea why you think I'm not genuine. Why would I bother posting on such a mundane topic if I wasn't?

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gramercy · 07/09/2011 13:41

I know a SAHM who does nothing for her dh (well, I don't know if it includes that , but I wouldn't be surprised!).

She says she is a full-time mother , not a housewife. Her dh does his own washing, cleans his own bathroom, and even cooks his own dinner in the evenings when he returns from work. Dh saw him in Sainsbury's going round with a basket buying his own food!

Each to his/her own, of course, but I would have thought that if you are a married couple that does involve some team work. And if you are a SAHM, ok, so you lose on the drudgery/chores front, but you win on the having to get up at the crack of dawn/commuting/suffering mad boss front.

PissesGlitter · 07/09/2011 13:42

as much as i find this odd i say if it works for you then fair enough

i probably do more housework than my husband but he does do some and that includes washing my underwear, he did need to be told what can and can not go in the drier though

Original poster
CailinDana · 07/09/2011 13:49

If a woman posts on here saying her DH is unreliable for doing chores (which my DH is) the vast majority of responses tend to go along the lines of "don't put up with it, don't do his washing, stop cooking his meals etc" Yet, when I actually have done that and DH and I have reached a situation that we're both happy with which means I don't feel I'm carrying the full burden of housework and he doesn't constantly get nagged, I'm told I'm mean, I don't love my husband, he's going to leave me, I'm odd, etc. It's a complete mixed message. Basically what the vast majority of responses here have implied is not that I should do the washing because I'm a SAHM (which might be a fair argument) but that I should do the washing because it shows I love my husband and he might leave me if I don't!

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