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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not wash my DH's clothes?

283 replies

CailinDana · 07/09/2011 09:57

I thought I'd start a thread on this as I mentioned it within another thread and got some Shock responses. I have never washed my DH's clothes and I never will unless he becomes ill or incapacitated. I'm a SAHM and I do wash DS's clothes. As far as I'm concerned clothes washing is part of personal hygiene, it's a person's own business to ensure they have clean underwear and I'm not getting involved. There is no way on earth I would pick up DH's dirty underpants and socks (usually from the floor where they reside) and I just don't have time to hang it all out and take it all in. Once DS is old enough (about 10 is reasonable I think) he will become responsible for his own washing. Doing washing for someone else strikes me as a bit servile to be honest.

I don't iron anything ever. DH has his own wash basket. He has never complained about this situation. AIBU?

OP posts:
cantspel · 07/09/2011 10:28

The more i think on this the dafter it sounds. There is no effort in putting a wash in the machine. It isn't like you are taking his socks and pants down to the local river and beating them with a rock.

How do you split the other family chores? Take out your own rubbish, cook your own meals, do your own washing up. Who cuts the grass or do you each cut the bit you sit on.

Original poster
CailinDana · 07/09/2011 10:28

On threads where women complain about their husbands doing nothing, they are often advised to try to split jobs evenly, to ensure both partners have equal leisure, and are often advised, when the husband is being a dick, to stop washing their clothes. We have a system where that job is done by both of us and there's no resentment or issue around it, yet I'm seen as "mean" and "petty" for working out a fair arrangement. It seems only revolve around washing strangely, I haven't had anyone comment on any other arrangements we have, and I am baffled as to why.

OP posts:
Original poster
CailinDana · 07/09/2011 10:29

But it's not just putting a wash in is it cantspel? It involves taking the washing out, hanging it up, taking it in, folding it, putting it away. It's actually quite a big job.

OP posts:
FetchezLaVache · 07/09/2011 10:29

YANBU, the way you explain it in your post of 10:19.

I do most of the laundry in our house, but DH shares the hanging out/bringing in duties, and I only wash what's in the wash basket. Our bugbear is who's responsible for pocket-checking: I argue that if it's in the wash basket, I assume its pockets have been checked; he says it wouldn't hurt for me to double-check that the pockets are empty.

I wonder what laundry utopia would look like!

Badtasteflump · 07/09/2011 10:30

Ok, maybe not 'mean', and if it works for you then it's not a problem is it? I just relate it to my routine/family and it wouldn't work. We all (DC included) dump our dirty clothes in either the whites or darks washing baskets, and then DH or I empty one or other into the washing machine when they're getting full-ish. Therefore separating things out would make more work, not less.

And yes DH and I do separate some jobs - I tend to do the washing & cleaning the bathrooms, he tends to do the cooking, food shopping and hoovering - we're both quite fussy about tidyness though so it usually gets done day to day.

borderslass · 07/09/2011 10:31

In your first post you didn't say you waited for a full load it seemed to me like a waste of powder, water and electric, but now you've explained why worry if it works for you no problem.

Carrotsandcelery · 07/09/2011 10:32

Fetch I hear you on the pocket checking debate. I suggest a system of finders keepers on the pocket issue. Admittedly it could leave you with snotty tissues but also £20 notes Grin

Badtasteflump · 07/09/2011 10:32

cantspel your post truly made me LOL! And now I'm getting suspicious looks from my manager across the desk - thanks for that Grin

kitsmummy · 07/09/2011 10:34

Is it fair and equal, or is it actually pretty lazy and mean spirited? Do you do half of DH's paid work for him? Hmm

Original poster
CailinDana · 07/09/2011 10:35

I'm not worried about it at all, I was just curious about people's reactions to it and I wanted to figure out what the issue was. On this thread and others where I've mentioned it people have said it's "mean" and my mother commented once that I was "very hard on DH" because she reckoned I should do all the washing! Bear in mind she said this when we both worked full time and she would never say I should do all the cooking or all the cleaning. It just struck me as odd.

OP posts:
Bumpsadaisie · 07/09/2011 10:35

It all depends how you divide up the tasks. I do all the washing (all our stuff is washed together, divided into lights and darks etc). I put it all away and iron the things that need ironing, when I can. Sometimes I do DHs shirts and trousers, other times if I am too busy/knackered (am 34 wks preg with DC2) then I tell him I haven't been able to and he needs to do it).

I don't see it as particularly servile. Its nice to do things for your loved ones, and I fee satisfied when all the clean clothes are back in the the drawer, folded and (on a good day) ironed. There is nothing wrong with performing a service for others, provided it is not all a one way street. My DH cleans the bathrooms and the smelly loos and no doubt he is mopping up some of my mess when he does that. He washes and hoovers my car. He makes my supper most nights and often washes up the dirty plates and cups that I have used during the day.

Perhaps you feel things are a little unbalanced and you are doing all the serving? Though service to others is a virtue of course - parable of the washing of the feet and all that.

The washing machine has just beepd so I must sign off and hang out DHs shirts! Grin

Original poster
CailinDana · 07/09/2011 10:36

I just don't get why people are always advised to split jobs evenly with a partner (bearing in mind respective jobs and time off) yet washing seems to be and exception that!

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Huffythetantrumslayer · 07/09/2011 10:38

The way you've explained it now makes it very clear why it is fair for you guys and again fair play to you. I don't like dh doing washing cos he mixes stuff up and doesn't pay attention to labels and I have some stuff that needs handwashing which he would chuck in machine. Still ain't picking his dirty kecks up though Grin

Original poster
CailinDana · 07/09/2011 10:38

Kitsmummy, would you be of the opinion that because I'm a SAHM I should do all of the housework?

OP posts:
Carrotsandcelery · 07/09/2011 10:40

I don't think anyone should do all of anything - it would set a bad example to dcs and breed resentment.

A fair and reasonable division of labour is needed though.

When you have mentioned it on other threads have you given all the details? If you mentioned it to me without explaining that he does nothing else, that you fill loads so there is no waste etc then I would have thought you were being deliberately obtuse. Fully explained it seems to work for your unit.

I rarely do dh's ironing. I do if I have time but there is no expectation that I should. It is simply we have shared out responsibilities. If he was struggling and I had time on my hands though, I wouldn't think anything of it and he would be the same for me if I was having a tough time. It is just team work, cooperation and caring for each other. I think that is the important lesson for the dcs.

IfoundmyGspot · 07/09/2011 10:41

All seems very bizarre and churlish TBH. If you think its servile then why shouldn't he think supporting you financially is servile as well ?

When I was a SAHM I just accepted it as my share of the stuff needed to make the household function. I ironed everything as well while watching the telly while the kids were either at school or asleep.

Would you be pissed off it your DH only worked enough hours to pay for half of the bills and told you to work to pay for the other half so he could stay at home and do his half of the chores ?

BoysInTheHood · 07/09/2011 10:41

If it works for you then great. I'm all for seeing more men take on more responsibilities at home.

I'm currently on ML and DH works FT but still does more than fifty percent of the housework.

Stay at home mum does not = stay at home cleaner.

Disclaimer, apologies for the generalisations, I know there are plenty of men who pull their weight at home but I all I see on here are women talking about how lazy their husbands' are ATM.

tyler80 · 07/09/2011 10:41

The thing about washing is it's something that's far easier to get done if you're not out at work. The time you spend putting it in the machine and hanging it out are minimal but these parts need to be done a couple of hours apart.

I'd think my oh was being unreasonable to not do my washing if he was at home. I have plenty of time to do it when I'm not at work but it's much harder to schedule it.

borderslass · 07/09/2011 10:43

SAHM doing all the housework to me depends on 1.ages of kids and 2.hours worked by DP/DH mine works in excess of 70 hours a week and kids are older however I am now looking for work now that DS is back in local area for college, with DH's work he can pop in and check on him if the job I get is whilst he is at home.

Faffalina · 07/09/2011 10:43

Not being U if he doesn't care, why should we?

My DP does his own shirts sometimes and doesn't grab any of my stuff or DD's stuff. That does irritate me.

Badtasteflump · 07/09/2011 10:46

I am probably going to sound horribly sexist, but if I were a SAHM, I would expect to do the majority of the housework during the day whilst DH was out doing his paid work. If not, how is it fair to have him out working whilst I amuse myself all day watching tv, seeing friends, generally having a nice time doing whatever I fancy? I would think it's only fair to do a bit of 'work' too.

I work PT, and I use a good bit of my 'at home' time to get caught up on the housework, whilst DH is at work, so we don't have to spend our family time in the evenings and weekends faffing around with it.

HeavyHeidi · 07/09/2011 10:47

My husband is SAH and I most certainly expect him to do my laundry as well and not to sort only his out. No time to throw mine in the washing machine at the same time as well? Surely it will take more time for me if I have to put a separate load on after I come home from work?
He also puts my dishes in the dishwasher and does not leave them in the sink for me to do. And when he cooks dinner then I get a portion as well.

We do share the chores, I don't think the SAH partner should do everything - just that sharing the way you do does not seem very reasonable - it's like having 2 rubbish bins so each will take out their own, while it would be easier for one to take out all rubbish and the other to do all washing at the same time.

mousymouse · 07/09/2011 10:48

if it works for you yanbu
in our house I do most of the washing and it makes sense for us to 'consolidate' the washing so there is no half empty load. dh does a lot of other things in the house, though.

CustardIsMyNemesis · 07/09/2011 10:49

If it works for you and everyone is happy then of course YANBU, it just seems strange everyone being in charge of their own washing.

I work shifts so if I am in early DH will put a wash on and I will hang it out, when I work late this happens in reverse. If one of us has the day off we will put the wash on AND hang it out.

Twice a week when DD is at nursery I have 2 hours to 'myself' and I do the ironing for all of us in that time because I like to catch up on my TV whilst doing it. I don't feel that I am doing this for DH, I tend to see this as a bit of a skive as I get to watch TV whilst DH is out at work Grin

Original poster
CailinDana · 07/09/2011 10:49

I do do the majority of the housework though flump. I just don't wash DH's clothes.

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