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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not wash my DH's clothes?

283 replies

CailinDana · 07/09/2011 09:57

I thought I'd start a thread on this as I mentioned it within another thread and got some Shock responses. I have never washed my DH's clothes and I never will unless he becomes ill or incapacitated. I'm a SAHM and I do wash DS's clothes. As far as I'm concerned clothes washing is part of personal hygiene, it's a person's own business to ensure they have clean underwear and I'm not getting involved. There is no way on earth I would pick up DH's dirty underpants and socks (usually from the floor where they reside) and I just don't have time to hang it all out and take it all in. Once DS is old enough (about 10 is reasonable I think) he will become responsible for his own washing. Doing washing for someone else strikes me as a bit servile to be honest.

I don't iron anything ever. DH has his own wash basket. He has never complained about this situation. AIBU?

OP posts:
Original poster
CailinDana · 07/09/2011 13:50

It's certainly not the case that I do nothing for my husband. I cook meals for him, do all the household shopping, look after the finances, clean almost all of the house, look after DS, etc.

OP posts:
mumeeee · 07/09/2011 13:59

YABU, The washing here is all done together. Yes DD3 does do her own washing sometimes bur if I'm putting a wash on then I don't mind putting hers in with the rest. She does have her own wash basket. The same thing applied to my older DDs when they were at home. DH and I share a wash basket and we both do the washing. Doing separate washes would just waste electricity.

SheldonsBazinga · 07/09/2011 13:59

YANBU and I agree that there are mixed messages here. I've lost count of the number of threads I've read where people have pointed out that DHs should be doing their bit too, yet on this thread the OP is called selfish and lazy for not doing her dh's washing. Confused

My dh prefers to keep his laundry separate so that his clothes don't get mixed up with everyone else's. It all used to get done together but too many socks went missing so dh came up with this idea. He does his own washing, though I'm happy to dry it if need be. I do the laundry during the week and then at the week-ends we both do whatever needs to be done.

WoTmania · 07/09/2011 13:59

YANBU - it works for you (I can certainly see the appeal)
I'm a SAHM, not a housewife. I do the majority of the housework just because I'm at home in the day mor than DH and he often works 12 hour days. But in the evenings, at weekends and when he takes holiday we split stuff - he does stuff he doens't mind, I do stuff I don't mind and the rest we negotiate. Becaseu of this my family (DM, DGrandM, Granddad and Dad) all think DH is a fucking saint Hmm. They wail 'but he's on holiday!' it's his time off. What I always want to know is when I get my time off. They don't have an answer to this cos as a mere female, doing unpaid work, obviously I should do all household chores and then run round skivvying after DH when he gets home form work.

PGTip · 07/09/2011 14:00

It sounds petty!

PissesGlitter · 07/09/2011 14:04

no one is saying you do nothing for him or vice versa
only commenting on your question/comment about washing and whether or not it was unreasonable

this is AIBU after all and your going to get mixed reactions

Original poster
CailinDana · 07/09/2011 14:06

I wonder what a feminist would have to say about this thread? Or is it not really a feminist issue?

OP posts:
Original poster
CailinDana · 07/09/2011 14:13

PissesGlitter some people did question whether DH and I ever do anything for each other.

So basically, my interpretation of the majority opinion is this:

DH has shown he is not reliable for doing washing. So my solution was to have him do his own washing so it doesn't impact on me and then to do the rest of the household washing myself. This solution isn't good enough, I should do DH's washing even if he's unwilling to do my washing as I'm mean, odd, selfish, unloving and perhaps due to be abandoned if I don't. The fact that DH won't do the washing is neither here nor there, he's a poor man who does paid work and therefore entitled to opt out of housework whereas I'm not entitled as my job as SAHM includes all aspects of the housework. If I don't do all the housework, particularly washing, then I'm lazy.

Interesting.

OP posts:
LovelyCuppa · 07/09/2011 14:14

What would a feminist say? Well you can read my feminist view point further up the thread.

Original poster
CailinDana · 07/09/2011 14:18

I know that cuppa, but seeing as there is a feminist topic I think it's fair to assume there would be a general, theory-informed idea about something like this. I posed the question in the same way as I would say "what would a doctor say about this?" - ie what would a person with a particular body of knowledge and view on thing say.

OP posts:
Acceptableintheeighties · 07/09/2011 14:22

Cailin, I half do that in our house. I do the majority of the washing including dp's clothes but I am not responsible for his sports kits or if he wants something specific washing.

He knows that if he doesn't wash his squash/cricket/football kits, they will not get done by me.
I have enough to do without these added extras. When I first told him I wouldn't be doing it he didn't take me seriously. The stink from the kit a wk later told him I meant it! Still took a few more wks of clean but damp kit to get the hang of it.

I work evenings and dp days, so washing generally falls to me as I'm the one who can stick it n the line rather than the drier.

LovelyCuppa · 07/09/2011 14:25

Feminism is an ideological construct and no special knowledge or training is required. The only universal feminist principle is "equality for women". How that is achieved and measured is where different strands and groups start forming.

heleninahandcart · 07/09/2011 14:37

OP I cannot believe some of the responses you have got on here. The closest I have ever come to washing a DP's clothes is to shout up the stairs 'any darks/lights?' when I had an old machine I wanted to fill up.

No adult should expect another person to wash their pants. If someone does this willingly, their choice.

And to those posters who say OP is mean, her DP will leave her (this did not come across as a joke), petty etc, it seems to me 'you protest too much'.

YANBU

notcitrus · 07/09/2011 14:40

MrNC lived alone for over 10 years before moving in with me, and as such is fussy about his laundry and likes doing it himself!
Both of us will mention to the other one we're planning to put a load on, and then anything urgent can get added to it. Ds's clothes get put in any dark load or in with his nappies when he had them. MrNC's light t-shirts go in with sheets/towels/white sports stuff.

When I was on mat leave I'd put his stuff in the wash and hang up to dry and fold and return to bedroom, if he left a laundry bag by the machine. We don't do ironing!
Now I'm pregnant and suffering, he's having to take up the bulk of everything, so often gets home to find me saying "well there's some chopped this and some cooked rice and this other thing... could you fry it all up for dinner please?"

But then he takes seriously the idea that we should both spend the same number of hours doing stuff to keep the household going, whether that's paid work, housework, or paperwork. Or atm, being busy gestating...

whackamole · 07/09/2011 14:50

Haven't read all, but I think that's a bit weird. And a waste - if we did it that way I would only wash about 4 white things at a time which is pointless.

gramercy · 07/09/2011 14:51

I rather fear, notcitrus, that your dh is one of those men who wear a sympathy pregnancy belly and says "we're pregnant"... How can you both be "gestating" Confused ?

Original poster
CailinDana · 07/09/2011 15:02

Fair enough cuppa, my mistake. It always seems to me that on the feminism topic there's a general agreement on things (with a few minor exceptions) and subjects are often brought up there for consideration from a feminist point of view. My idea was that someone who is versed in feminist ideology might give a feminist viewpoint, but perhaps that's not possible?

OP posts:
HeavyHeidi · 07/09/2011 15:03

No problems, as long as you are both happy. But as you asked, then in my opinion it is simply not the most rational way to share the tasks - surely you would get all the work done faster if one puts a load of washing on and the other one takes the rubbish out, compared to doing 2 loads one after the other and both taking their own rubbish out?

PS I'm a feminist, but if I'm doing laundry anyway, will throw DHs jeans in the wash too while he is cooking our dinner (and not just his).

Original poster
CailinDana · 07/09/2011 15:09

Logistically it works out fine. I tend to do washing during the week whereas DH does his at the weekend, so there's no problem in terms of who gets to use the machine or half loads being put on. If there was a problem I'd change the way we do things.

OP posts:
nickelbabe · 07/09/2011 15:13

gramercy - strange conclusion from notcirus's post. ConfusedGrin

it was the last sentence, wasn't it Grin

apart from that, as DH seems to be confused enough about the whole gestating to keep out of it, I could have written her post.

He's doing most of everything, with me just doing a token load in the machine, or washing up my cake-making equipment (when there's a pile of washing up to be done!)
It's working for us so far Grin

G1nger · 07/09/2011 15:15

Sounds a little OCD for me. Also sounds like a real waste of water/electricity/detergent. What would be wrong with taking it in turns? In my house, we've both got our 'specialities' re household cleaning and the washing happens to be one of mine. And really not one of his! But everything here is split equally (except now that I'm heavily pregnant) and neither of us resents the other.

I'll be happy to try to convert my child into a 'minion' for housekeeping purposes in time, too ;)

nickelbabe · 07/09/2011 15:17

because taking it in turns didn't work for the OP.
she tried it.

Original poster
CailinDana · 07/09/2011 15:18

Again, as I've said quite a number of times, there's no waste. I only ever put on full loads as does my DH. If we "took it in turns" I would either have to nag DH constantly or do it all myself and I'm not willing to do either. I already do a lot of the housework and the fact that he has to do his washing is very useful as I don't have to nag him and there are natural consequences for not doing it -ie no clothes! I'm not sure why it's OCD, can you explain that?

OP posts:
G1nger · 07/09/2011 15:27

It's this bit: "As far as I'm concerned clothes washing is part of personal hygiene" - made me wonder if you had issues actually touching someone else's washing.

But I do agree with you about the whole taking turns thing, if it doesn't work. I'd dig my heels in too and refuse to do something if I was being made to do a disproportionate share (and this includes the issue that you raise of having to nag him - which as far as I'm concerned is emotional labour). But as I say, my partner very much does his fair share, so it's not something I have to do.

Gluttondressedaslamb · 07/09/2011 15:38

YABVU!!! I thought marriage was about sharing and caring, how is throwing your husbands shirts in the washing machine along with your stuff and your sons <span class="italic">servile</span> ? You dont have time yet you are SAHM with just 1 DS ?
What kind of a pathetic excuse is that? TBH you just sound very, very selfish.