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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not wash my DH's clothes?

283 replies

CailinDana · 07/09/2011 09:57

I thought I'd start a thread on this as I mentioned it within another thread and got some Shock responses. I have never washed my DH's clothes and I never will unless he becomes ill or incapacitated. I'm a SAHM and I do wash DS's clothes. As far as I'm concerned clothes washing is part of personal hygiene, it's a person's own business to ensure they have clean underwear and I'm not getting involved. There is no way on earth I would pick up DH's dirty underpants and socks (usually from the floor where they reside) and I just don't have time to hang it all out and take it all in. Once DS is old enough (about 10 is reasonable I think) he will become responsible for his own washing. Doing washing for someone else strikes me as a bit servile to be honest.

I don't iron anything ever. DH has his own wash basket. He has never complained about this situation. AIBU?

OP posts:
EricNorthmansMistress · 07/09/2011 10:50

Sharing the washing, to me, means both doing it sometimes. I usually put washing on then if H is home he hangs out. It doesn't mean to me each doing own washing. But each to their own eh?

Whatmeworry · 07/09/2011 10:50

Cue 6 months down the line, wails in "Relationships" that DH has chosen to share his washing and rest of life elsewhere...

Original poster
CailinDana · 07/09/2011 10:51

Wow so he's going to leave me because I don't wash his clothes?? Time warp to the 50's alert!

OP posts:
Flisspaps · 07/09/2011 10:51

Do you put DH's dirty plates and cutlery in the dishwasher or does he do that himself?

Because that involves loading the dishwasher, unloading the dishwasher and putting everything in the right place too. It's not a quick job...

JodieHarsh · 07/09/2011 10:52

I suppose it if works for you then there's no issue. But at the risk of sounding really fucking soppy and pompous: I love my DH and would do anything for him. Nothing about him disgusts me including his genuinely revolting copper's socks. If there is anything I can do to help him, I will do it. If there is anythign he can do for me, he will do it. It simply would not occur to either of us to do otherwise.

Our lives are far too topsy-turvy to have anything like a system. We just both muddle along doing whatever we can for each other, whenever we can.

I'm sure you are perfectly lovely with a very nice marriage but you do sound slightly deranged odd Grin

Original poster
CailinDana · 07/09/2011 10:53

Everyone eats together, everyone uses the bathroom, everyone walks on the carpets, so everyone should clean those things. I however, don't dirty DH's clothes (much) so I think it's reasonable for him to take care of that.

OP posts:
IfoundmyGspot · 07/09/2011 10:53

Love the name Flisspaps :)

sixpinetrees · 07/09/2011 10:53

If it works for you then I wouldn't worry about what unconnected people think about it.

It wouldn't work for me. I would end up with nothing to wear if I had to wait for a full load of whites/darks/coloureds/wool etc of just my personal clothes so its vastly more economical to wash a load of mixed peoples clothes every day. I probably do 80-90% of the laundry in our household of 6 and I would be surprised if it takes more than 15 min a day. It not a big job at all. I would see it akin to everybody having to cook separate meals, or washing only your own dishes, unloading the plates I have eaten off from the dishwasher and leaving the rest or only emptying my own rubbish into the wheelybin and then taking it a 1/6th of the way up the drive for collection. Its a bit to studenty/flat share for me and it would piss me of royally if DH put such thought into what he was and was not prepared to do towards the running of our household.

Badtasteflump · 07/09/2011 10:53

Then I don't understand why you would separate doing the washing from all the other things you do for him? Honestly, if you're happy with it, fine, but you did ask in AIBU so I am intruiged as to why!

Is it because it winds you up that he apparently leaves his dirty stuff all over the floor? If he did put it all in the washing baskets (or whatever you have) wouldn't it be just as easy for you to do it all?

Badtasteflump · 07/09/2011 10:55

So if DH does a poo do you make sure he does the next loo clean?

Badtasteflump · 07/09/2011 10:55

(referring to your last post)

JodieHarsh · 07/09/2011 10:55

But why would you not want to help the man you love?! I don't get it! And trust me this isn't some 50s Stepford thing I have going on here - we both work, and I am as likely to put up some flat-pack furniture as he is to make home-made pasta.

I just can't get my head round the idea of consciously choosing not to do something for someone.

Original poster
CailinDana · 07/09/2011 10:56

I'm really intrigued that this is such an emotive issue. There are so many threads urging downtrodden partners to stop doing things for their spouse and to not be a doormat and laundry is almost always mentioned. And yet when I say, actually we have a system we're both happy with and it involves no one getting resentful about doing someone else's laundry I'm told I'm odd, mean petty, going to be abandoned! Yet I would imagine there are thousands of men out there who never ever wash their DP's or children's clothes in their whole lives and nothing is ever said about it.

OP posts:
mistlethrush · 07/09/2011 10:57

I think DH puts on more loads of washing than I do. I think I hang more of it up - and put more of it away. Ds (6) can competantly sort the laundry basket out into darks and pales and load the washing machine too. But we do it all together as that gets it done most efficiently for us.

JodieHarsh · 07/09/2011 10:58

I don't think you're mean or petty or going to be abandoned. Odd: yes. But if it's OK for you, then why ask opinions? I mean, you're not going to change this system you have, are you? And no-one's mizz? So it's kinda pointless asking? (I'm not suggesting you shouldn't have asked; but you must have realised most people don't do this.)

Original poster
CailinDana · 07/09/2011 10:58

I do help my DH a lot - I change the bed we both sleep in, I cook meals for him, I look after our son, I do the shopping, I clean the house, etc etc etc. His clothes are his business as far as I'm concerned.

OP posts:
Badtasteflump · 07/09/2011 10:59

I'm with you jodie - and I also work and am not a stepford wife! I think in a relationship, the more you both give (or do for each other), the more goodwill and willingness to give back grows and everyone's happy Smile

Original poster
CailinDana · 07/09/2011 11:01

I ask out of interest Jodie, based on responses I've had before. I just wonder why people feel so strongly about it. I would expect people to say "that wouldn't work for me, this is the way I do it," fair enough, but the fact that you think I'm odd and others think I'm mean or on my way to being left by my husband just makes me wonder what's so special about washing?? And it also points to a certain level of expectation with regards to household jobs.

OP posts:
JodieHarsh · 07/09/2011 11:02

But again Cailin - don't you want to help him with 'his business'?

What if he needed a (non urgent) prescription - would you not go and get it for him if you happened to be free, because it was 'his business'?

WHat if he needed a letter posted, and forgot, and you saw it there? Bugger all to do with you - do you just leave it until he remembers?

what if you notice he's running out of decent shirts? Do you mention and offer to get some if he hasn't the time, or wait for him to sort it out himself? His business, after all!

Is the point that he does none of these things for you, and you are perhaps subconsciously witholding help and partnership as a kind of retaliation??

I SIMPLY CANNOT GET MY HEAD ROUND IT Confused

Badtasteflump · 07/09/2011 11:02

Unless you're with a lazy bastard of course, and thank god, I'm not Smile

BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 07/09/2011 11:03

How wierd.......if he is out at work why are you not making his life a bit easier when he is at home. I must be strange but I thought marriage was like a team effort???? Is is actually any more effort to chuck his stuff in the machine as well Confused

JodieHarsh · 07/09/2011 11:03

Can't speak for anyone else but this isn't anything to do with gender politics or household expectations from me (I earn more than my DH pro rata, I have higher ambitions, etc. etc., so I again I emphasise this isn't me being a devoted little wifey).

I guess it's about something as soppy and indefinable as the fact I would cheerfully kill for the man, and so doing his washing if I happen to be putting the machine on is like a little act of love, if you see what I mean.

vomit vomit vomit I know.

And no I'm not a sappy newlywed - 12 years and counting.

Bumpsadaisie · 07/09/2011 11:04

I think its the other way round, OP. People are wondering what YOU think is so different about washing such that its "each to his own".

You wash up cups your DH has dirtied, you change the sheets he has slept in, you clean the bathroom he has washed in. How is the washing any different?

I dont think its a big deal - whatever works for you! But I can't really see why the washing is in a different category for you than all the other things.

Original poster
CailinDana · 07/09/2011 11:08

Of course I would help him out if needs be. If he said to me "Cailin I'm running out of shirts could you put on a wash for me?" of course I would do it to help him. The point is that laundry isn't my job specifically and he would never ask "why don't I have a clean shirt?" because the answer would be "because you didn't wash one!" If you're in a situation where both partners genuinely do their fair share of everything and there isn't an issue with dividing work evenly then I think great, just carry on, but for a lot of people here dividing housework is a big issue and this is one way that we've avoided that becoming a problem for us.

OP posts:
everlong · 07/09/2011 11:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.