To not wash my DH's clothes?

[CailinDana]

I thought I'd start a thread on this as I mentioned it within another thread and got some responses. I have never washed my DH's clothes and I never will unless he becomes ill or incapacitated. I'm a SAHM and I do wash DS's clothes. As far as I'm concerned clothes washing is part of personal hygiene, it's a person's own business to ensure they have clean underwear and I'm not getting involved. There is no way on earth I would pick up DH's dirty underpants and socks (usually from the floor where they reside) and I just don't have time to hang it all out and take it all in. Once DS is old enough (about 10 is reasonable I think) he will become responsible for his own washing. Doing washing for someone else strikes me as a bit servile to be honest.

I don't iron anything ever. DH has his own wash basket. He has never complained about this situation. AIBU?

Quite simple then-have a washing basket and just wash what is in there. He will get the idea. I don't see why it is a big deal-we just do the washing. It might be different in the old days when you needed dollyboards, wringers etc. How difficult is to load, put soap in and press a button? It takes more effort to move all his!

I totally understand where you're coming from op! Although there's a million other things you could ask him to do, doing his own laundry is one of the few things that if he doesn't do it, it doesn't negatively impact on you or your child. Whereas if he didn't cook, clean etc it would cause more work for you.

Really surprised at some of the replies, seems that if you stay at home you give up any right to not drudge for your keep according to some!

Well some equate this thread like stepping in to the 1950's.

I think it sounds more like something from the 1970's...

What a fuss about nothing!

Really ,I honestly thought humans had evolved further.

If you choose to stay at home handbag you should expect to see more washing!

This is the 1st time i have ever wrote a negative post on here as i don't want to be one of those people that come on here to attack the op and make them feel shity... But this is the most ridiculous thread i have ever read..... i really don't understand what the big problem is and the only thing that comes to my head is WTF... i haven't read the whole thread but from you OP you are a stay at home mum? you husband earns the money so you are able to be a SAHM yet you cant do his washing?? lol i think its petty and quite rude... Its not like im old fashioned or anything like that im only 23, DP works full time, i work night for a few hours when dp gets home from work to watch dd aged 3, im 6 months preg and still manage to do dps washing along with all the other housework and cooking etc, Dp helps me out in the weekends when hes not working. As far as making a 10 year old do their washing i dont agree with it at all but each parents has their own ways to teach their children so nothing to do with me... but as fasr as the rest of the post YABVVVU im still quite amazed at this

and also regarding one of you previous posts my dp would never ask me why don't I have a clean shirt? ever, he respects me and appreciates all i do for him, as i appreciate he works hard everyday at work.. also you state you wouldnt want to do washing for a you ds when hes a teenager... there is a big different between doing washing for a 10 year old compared to a 17 year old?

I really dont understand but if it works for you then that is great... y ask the question?

I think the OP posted this in AIBU as she finds it odd that some MNers do seem to find her perfectly workable arrangement U. There will always be those who say YABU and those who say YANBU. It seems daft to question her choice to post though.

I did most of our family laundry from the age of about 12...it was a perfectly easy chore to cope with...and one which I have happily kept into adulthood. During big family get-togethers with sister, grandparents, nephews etc. I still do the lion's share of everyone's laundry. Can't bear it not being sorted properly (OCD?!). However, I rarely iron.

I think OP has come up with a genius plan which keeps her happy and her DP just gets on with his share. It doesn't sound like he is resentful (why would he be?), they are HIS clothes. It wouldn't be my system of choice but it works for the OP and her family. Good point about teaching their DS some independence too. Must remember to think of something like that in a couple of years when our DS begins the "training to be a bearable partner in later life". Oh please let me be a bearable MIL should that ever be the case.

Meanwhile, enjoying shoving in another load, being part SAHM (although DS is 9 FFS!), part PT teacher, part slovenly housekeeper with occasional flashes of (probably cycle-linked) vim and vigour and part (actually mostly) general volunteer...

DH picks up my dirty clothes from the floor, I wash his. He makes the bed 'cos he cares. I don't and if he's away I don't bother. I shop, cook, clean loo, and organise EVERYONE. If he's bothered about a household task I haven't tackled...he knows what he can do -eg. it himself. That's what works for us. OP has it sussed for her family.

oh FGS, it's attitudes like this that give feminism a bad name. People start to equate feminism with petty power struggles like this one. Feminists then become demonised as shrews and harpies. Feminists, like other people, are adult members of relationships. That requires them to act in kind and generous ways towards the ones they love.

Laundry, like other household labour, is an act of love. Similarly, going to work to provide financially for your family is an act of love. Consciously witholding an act of love to prove a point is, IMO, ridiculous. OP, you're not in a student flat, you're a grown member of a family. Families do things for each other and share their labour. If I was your husband I would think you were being selfish and petty, and I would think less of you. As you would, if he were a SAHD and he snottily refused do your laundry. Sorry but YABU.

It all seems so petty.

I can't believe how many more posts there are on this. I'll try to answer a few. Firstly, Glutton, you asked why I'm "so upset." Thanks for your concern but I'm not upset I actually think it's quite funny and I really didn't expect the responses to be quite this extreme. It seems people have an emotional attachment to laundry - they equate it with love in a way that they don't equate packed lunches or tax returns with love. I'm wondering why but I can't really figure it out.

A couple of other people have asked why I've posted on AIBU. I've stated the reason a few times -because I mentioned my situation in other threads and got a strange reaction so I wanted to see if that reaction was a general one. It appears it is. With 259 posts at last count it seems that people do have some interest in this, no matter how silly it seems to be.

And to clarify, when I say "doing washing" I don't mean just sticking things in the machine, which is something I do do for my DH from time to time. I mean picking things up off the floor, putting them in, hanging them out, taking them in, folding them and putting them away which combined takes at least an hour. I know as a SAHM my time is not valuable as I don't pay bills or earn money but I think expecting DH to do that one hour instead of me doing it is reasonable given that I do pretty much everything else. I know plenty of people will now tell me that because he works and I don't (because caring for a child and running and house isn't work) his hours is more valuable than mine. But I don't agree with that.

The problem is the expectation that if you are not going out to work you are in some way resonsible for the washing.I am on mat leave but even when im working it goes like this eg. I put some washing on from the basket which holds all our washing and run off to work,the next person who is around when the machine stops will put it to dry-line airer or tumble dryer,later on whilst pottereing about whoever gets there first will fold it and maybe put it away.Its an ongoing cycle in this house and we just chip in as we see fit,i dont feel its my sole responsibility or any other househild chore for that matter.

I have had a bad night with the baby,i did it cos dh has work at 7,today i will not do much and he will take over after work and sort out kids and any other tasks that need doing-cos we are married and quite like each other,its easy really

I wash and dry and bring in and he puts away.

I load the dishwasher, he empties and puts away.

I cook and fill the rubbish bin up, he puts it out.

He works 14 hour days, I sit on my arse and MN.

Works for us.

If what you are doing works then who cares what other's get up to?

I don't wash anything that is left on the floor, if it isn't in the washing basket it isn't getting washed.

My 18mth old puts his clothes into the hamper when he is getting ready for his bath.

What Morloth said, pretty much exactly.

I am home most of the time, so I do most of the work around the house. I will not pick up after anyone though.

Today DH had a half-day off, so while I was at work he did the dishes and laundry.

YANBU to not to it, but YABU to assume that someone else is "servile" for doing it.

I don't think that you are unreasonable as I can see why this arrangement came about. But I do think it is a weird arrangement and do slightly wonder how one person on their own can generate more than two loads of washing a week (although I do agree that that amount of extra washing would involve a fair amount of work). In our household none of us on our own generate enough washing for two loads a week (although the children did when they were babies as we used washable nappies). I wonder whether people have become dirtier, or more obsessed about being clean - when I was a child my mother only did three loads a week for the six of us.

I agree that sharing household tasks is very important and that with a baby (especially a non sleeping one) you certainly shouldn't be doing everything. Your later explanations sound reasonable and understandable but the way that your OP comes across is a bit odd (my dh does all our washing, I don't think it makes him servile and I'm sure that my occasionally bloody knickers aren't terribly nice to handle but he does it anyway). I think that's why you have got a strong reaction tbh because it did sound rather petty.

i'm fascinated that so many people say that laundry = love

i really truly love my husband utterly, but i don't do his laundry... he has his own basket an it is 80% full of mud splattered sports kit including football jerseys for his five aside lot... i have never had anything to do with it. he was washing it himself happily for years before he met me and it just never occured to me (despite loving him) to walk in and say 'no darling, let me do that instead of you'.

A couple of other people have asked why I've posted on AIBU. I've stated the reason a few times -because I mentioned my situation in other threads and got a strange reaction so I wanted to see if that reaction was a general one. It appears it is. With 259 posts at last count it seems that people do have some interest in this, no matter how silly it seems to be

Facinated s to why that is, and that c 2/3 of people (me included fwiw) think its not a good idea longer term. It's hard to pinpoint the feeling of unease this post created. I suspect it seems just such an odd and petty thing to take a stand on to most people, and (IMO) generates a general feeling that it points to something deeper.

Apart from that its just the Standard AIBU?/YABU/Oh No I'm Not/Oh Yes You Are saga so beloved of MN AIBU :o

How ridiculous!

How much effort is it to sort a wash load, bung it in the machine with soap powder and press a button!?

Do you do anything for your husband....and does he do anything for you?

Is this a wind-up?

To be fair whatmeworry it wasn't really an AIBU (so sue me) in the sense that I don't think IABU at all and I wasn't really looking for advice on that. I was posting just to see what people thought.

I can see why people might think it points to something deeper. Really I think the "something deeper" is just that my DH is a bit rubbish at housework and we have had conflict about it over the years. I haven't "taken a stand" on this, in the sense that we haven't had any row or even any discussion about it, it's just the way things have always been (apart from a brief and disastrous foray into "sharing" laundry) and I feel it helps to solve some of the housework conflict as I know it's one job he will do without any nagging from me and it's one small but significant job I don't have to worry about. Perhaps it does seem petty to some but I would much rather have my situation than to be nagging him constantly to do his share of the washing for the whole family, or to be doing all of the washing along with almost all of the rest of the housework and seething about it.

Right, as sausage has demonstrated people just keep not reading the thread and just posting exactly the same thing over and over and over so I'm going to stop posting now. Was an interesting discussion, thanks!

YABvvU

Your attitude is v strange. I sincerely hope I'm wrong but you are storing up major problems later on.

A good marriage is about being kind and supportive to each other and doing nice things for each other. A sense of 'we' rather than 2 individuals. And being a team. It's extremely petty to say I'm not doing this or that. As long as both are contributing more or less equally it doesn't matter who does what.

We have 2 laundry baskets at home - one for lights and one for darks. When they're full the wash goes on, everyone's things together. Because we're a family.

I don't know if anyone else has mentioned this but what about cooking? Do you not cook meals for him either? Do you cook separate meals?

Cailindana, marriage is about accepting someone as they are not trying to change them. So your dh is rubbish at housework, frustrating I know but there's probably loads of other things he's good at. You making a point of him doing it is just treating him like a child I'm afraid.

This says to me more about you than him. You don't sound v happy being a SAHM, have you considered going back to work? You sound v resentful.

Cailindana you last post sounds more reasonable then your first post. In you first post it looked like you never put any washing in the machine for your DH so that's why you got so many YABU posts. My DH dies put his dirty laundry in the basket he wouldn't just leave it for me to pick up. Whoever is around dies the washing and that includes hanging it out and getting it in again. The same goes for other household jobs. My 19 year old DD is also expected to chip in. Although she doesn't always do this but that's another story.

But dancergirl Housework, maintaining our environment, isn't an optional activity for any of us, although it can be done in different degrees of thoroughness!
I don't see why men should be able to opt out of this broad category of human enterprise, "So your dh is rubbish at housework, frustrating I know but there's probably loads of other things he's good at."
I'm rubbish at housework, do I get to opt out too ?
If only ...
Part of doing a good job in bringing up the DC's. Wish it came more naturally to me though ... perhaps I need the fly-lady thread ...

CailinDana, actually no, I wouldn't say his time is more valuable than yours and as the mother of a toddler and baby with a high pressure job, the job is definitely the easy bit. I totally agree with your son doing his own laundry, we made to do our own ironing from age 10. Having done the housemate thing at uni, I would never live in a family home where we behaved like that rather than a family. I totally agree with dh doing his equal and fair share, irrespective of whether you woh or sah, its just your way of going about it seems singular and dare I say, resentful.

I think it's a pretty straight-forward system. The adults in the family do their own washing.
Otherwise it's "Does this need washing ? Have you checked the pockets ? etc. etc. " Aarghh ! .... And then he complains if something changes colour or whatever .... No, much better not to take on any responsibility for it in the first place !