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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not wash my DH's clothes?

283 replies

CailinDana · 07/09/2011 09:57

I thought I'd start a thread on this as I mentioned it within another thread and got some Shock responses. I have never washed my DH's clothes and I never will unless he becomes ill or incapacitated. I'm a SAHM and I do wash DS's clothes. As far as I'm concerned clothes washing is part of personal hygiene, it's a person's own business to ensure they have clean underwear and I'm not getting involved. There is no way on earth I would pick up DH's dirty underpants and socks (usually from the floor where they reside) and I just don't have time to hang it all out and take it all in. Once DS is old enough (about 10 is reasonable I think) he will become responsible for his own washing. Doing washing for someone else strikes me as a bit servile to be honest.

I don't iron anything ever. DH has his own wash basket. He has never complained about this situation. AIBU?

OP posts:
Original poster
CailinDana · 07/09/2011 15:42

Glutton I'm not going to rehash the whole thread for you but I've answered a lot of what you've said already and I can't be bothered to do it again.

OP posts:
nickelbabe · 07/09/2011 15:44

i'll do it for you Cailin

"do a great deal of the housework as I'm at home so I think leaving this job for DH to do himself is fair in terms of splitting workload. It also has the added benefit of being something he can't "forget" to do - if he doesn't do it then he has no clothes to wear, simple as that! So he's motivated to do it and I don't have to nag him about it. Years ago he did suggest that we "share" washing but that resulted in me doing about triple what he did. When I stopped doing it and waited for him to get on it I ended up with nothing to wear. Plus he tends to mix colours and put things on at the wrong temperature, leave things too long in the machine, that sort of thing. So "sharing" washing would basically mean I'd do it all. Which I have no intention of doing. He's aware of this, and he understands."

Original poster
CailinDana · 07/09/2011 15:47

Well I can't say I fancy handling dirty underpants or, the thing I hate the most, unrolling dirty socks. I'm not sure anyone likes handling dirty underwear, do they?

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NodsSmilesandBacksAway · 07/09/2011 15:49

would you say getting you a cup of tea, or preparing you a meal was him being servile to you?

How sad for you and how sad for your kid to witness

SunRaysthruClouds · 07/09/2011 15:50

I reckon you must have ishoos on the handling dirty underwear front. So you are trying to get MN to validate your phobia. There is really nothing to it, honest! Or a decent pair of marigolds would sort it.

Unless of course they are in such a state they are moving around the floor on their own to avoid you....

diddl · 07/09/2011 15:52

Well I do the family washing & tbh I wouldn´t say I´ve handled dirty underwear since the kids were toddlers!

G1nger · 07/09/2011 15:55

I wouldn't wash anyone else's underwear, but I wash my partner's and I'll wash our children's. But no, no one else's - then the yuckiness would creep in. I don't care about socks.

But ironing? Sod ironing, everyone can do their own! Ironing makes me arsey - as my partner well knows - much like hoovering, actually (one of his specialisms). And anyway, things only get creased again in the cupboard, so we iron independently (or as a favour to the other person) as required. Ironing's such a pain in the...

Original poster
CailinDana · 07/09/2011 15:59

DS isn't witnessing anything nods, apart from DH doing washing which isn't the end of the world surely.

I definitely don't have a phobia of underwear. Thanks for your concern though.

OP posts:
FetchezLaVache · 07/09/2011 16:01

Absolutely can't believe what a hard time you're getting from some posters, Cailin- this one really seems to have split MN right down the middle!

Original poster
CailinDana · 07/09/2011 16:06

I know, Fetchez, I expected some stick but really not this much! So far I'm petty, odd, weird, selfish, lazy, damaging my son, underwear-phobic, wasteful with energy and detergent, about to be abandoned, mean and not a team player, all because of a very simple arrangement I have with my DH that he is perfectly happy with! I'd bet if I showed him this thread he'd laugh his head off Grin

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SunRaysthruClouds · 07/09/2011 16:08

...except that the question appears to be 'am I BU for having a domestic chores arrangement with my DH which appears to work?'. So in response to such a non question there must be something else lurking in the background that needs to be examined by all the experts on here. Smile

G1nger · 07/09/2011 16:10

"I'd bet if I showed him this thread he'd laugh his head off" - I'll put 50p on his response actually being "what are you doing messing around on MN when you could be washing my pants?"

AWimbaWay · 07/09/2011 16:21

I don't wash my dh's clothes either, YANBU.

AWimbaWay · 07/09/2011 16:22

and for those saying what if you don't have a full wash load, I have 3 dcs, I ALWAYS have a full wash load.

steamedtreaclesponge · 07/09/2011 16:35

Another feminist here - my reponse is further up ^^ Smile

AuldAlliance · 07/09/2011 16:40

I stopped doing DH's laundry a few months ago, because it had got to the stage where I was doing all domestic and child-related tasks, despite working FT and being the sole breadwinner for over 3 yrs. DH was never great at such things, it has been a bone of contention for years. He began working again 3 yrs ago, and just stopped doing anything at all to help. Nor was he contributing anything much financially. The imbalance is crazy and is A Problem.

Laundry was an easy task for me to opt out of in this way. Now it's his job to do his laundry. He has a separate laundry basket. I wash his towel, facecloth, etc. with the rest, and I wash our bedding. I don't do half-full machines, I don't think I am a freak, or a selfish bitch, nor do I have issues with handling other peoples smalls. I just think a line has to be drawn somewhere.

I don't see what is wrong with each individual taking some responsibility for their own laundry, TBH. If DH is around (v rare) when I put a load on, I ask if he has anything to add (space allowing). He does the same once a fortnight when he remembers that he needs to wash his stuff. When the DSs are big enough, I'll get them doing laundry in a similar way (i.e. being aware when a load needs doing, and including other people's things), so that they get used to doing it on a regular basis, rather than thinking it is done by a fairy.

It's all very well if there is a healthy balance in the couple, but if one person is doing far more than the other, laundry is one thing that you can opt out of easily. I have a fair few friends who don't deal with their DP's laundry either, because they just never have. And this is in macho France.

ButternutSquish · 07/09/2011 16:48

I'm confused Confused....you say you are both happy with the arrangement but then why are you posing the question on AIBU? If both of you think it's unreasonable, what's the problem?

FWIW I don't pick up DPs clothes off the floor but if they're in the washing basket I'm happy to wall alllllllllllllllllllll the way the machine and spend litterally HOURS putting them in and throwing a liqui-tab in! FGS it's hardly a tough job. My DP often puts a load in too. Neither of us feels the need to make a song and dance about it. We certainly haven't had to negotiate this point, as sensible adults it comes quite naturally.

We both work full time, so no history of being a SAHM but if my DP was working full time I'd fully expect to run the house and do the chores. We'd still be working, although my job would be un-paid, but then I'd get to live off DP.

Sounds like you're making life difficult and feel sorry that at 10 your DC will have to sort his own stuff out, sounds harsh!

ButternutSquish · 07/09/2011 16:49

I'm confused ....you say you are both happy with the arrangement but then why are you posing the question on AIBU? If both of you think it's unreasonable, what's the problem?

of course I mean "reasonable"

AuldAlliance · 07/09/2011 16:54

FWIW our washing machine is not in the house, but in an outhouse affair. We get cheaper electric rates at night (midnight to 7am), so laundry goes in in the late evening and comes out early in the morning. It involves going outside in the dark, possibly in the rain and cold, and down slippery stairs. Frankly, there are evenings when it seems like an unpleasant job, if not a tough one, and when a little sharing would be nice.

TheMagnificentBathykolpian · 07/09/2011 16:55

You aren't being unreasonable. What works for you, works for you. I'm not doing your washing so I don't give a shit who does it Grin but if I was to give an opinion on it - it's a bit weird to me, I'll be honest. I think that's because when there's washing to be done in this house, it's done by whichever of us gets fed up of the overflowing basket first Grin The only times my husband has put any of my clothes aside for me to deal with is if they're new and I've recently given him an earful for bloody boilwashing everything. Angry

But we both take responsibility for all housework and that's probably why it's no big deal who does what, iyswim. If I even got a whiff that it was somehow my job and mine alone to 'keep house', I guarantee I'd be going on strike Grin

Whatmeworry · 07/09/2011 17:54

....because of a very simple arrangement I have with my DH that he is perfectly happy with! I'd bet if I showed him this thread he'd laugh his head off

...and then realise that about 2/3 of the MN'ers replying so far think he's being short changed :o

Sorry, the whole thing just seems....incongruous?

motherinferior · 07/09/2011 18:05

You sound eminently sane to me.

DP mainly does our washing. I mainly hang it out. We do our own ironing.

And in answer to someone above, I have no idea whatsoever if DP is running out of clean shirts or needs new shirts or suchlike. Why on earth would I?

Nanny0gg · 07/09/2011 18:12

I know I am unusual because I actually like washing, but I can't see what the big deal is.
There are clothes there that need washing.
Just put them in the machine fgs.

Do you cook separate meals too?

It's probably already been answered, but does he do stuff for you that he perhaps doesn't need to?

BoastingByStealth · 07/09/2011 18:17

I would never allow anyone to do my washing for me, so I think it's a bit strange that some men expect their OH to do theirs..... Though I HAVE always done my OH's, just because I don't want him touching my stuff and we don't have seperate baskets.

My ex's mum (who was in her 60's, he was 23) used to walk all the way to his flat, clean it up, wash up, hoover, hide his porn, collect his dirty washing, walk home with it, wash it, dry it, iron it, fold it, walk all the way back with it, then put it away for him. Just like a fairy.

Funny she stopped the day I moved in with him, assuming I would take over the role as MUG

Original poster
CailinDana · 07/09/2011 18:20

No I don't think so NannyOgg, for example if there's a basket of clean clothes on the bed he'll just put the basket on the floor rather than put the clothes away. Any of his own clothes that he does wash just get thrown on the floor by his bed. If I had washed those clothes and then saw them just thrown around the place I'd be livid. As it stands I don't care as it's his business.

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