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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not wash my DH's clothes?

283 replies

CailinDana · 07/09/2011 09:57

I thought I'd start a thread on this as I mentioned it within another thread and got some Shock responses. I have never washed my DH's clothes and I never will unless he becomes ill or incapacitated. I'm a SAHM and I do wash DS's clothes. As far as I'm concerned clothes washing is part of personal hygiene, it's a person's own business to ensure they have clean underwear and I'm not getting involved. There is no way on earth I would pick up DH's dirty underpants and socks (usually from the floor where they reside) and I just don't have time to hang it all out and take it all in. Once DS is old enough (about 10 is reasonable I think) he will become responsible for his own washing. Doing washing for someone else strikes me as a bit servile to be honest.

I don't iron anything ever. DH has his own wash basket. He has never complained about this situation. AIBU?

OP posts:
motherinferior · 07/09/2011 20:24

The thing is, OP, that you are being Unwomanly and by implication Heartless and Unloving by saying that there is a domestic task you don't like doing. (The accusation of 'living like flatmates' is, unsurprisingly, being thrown in here too.) And the idea that you might find doing someone else's (literally) dirty work servile is definitely Getting Ideas Above Your Station.

Only men are allowed to decide that there is an area of household drudgery tasks which they don't do (see all those mentions of DHs who 'just don't do' cleaning/cooking/childcare). As a card-carrying owner of a pair of ovaries, you shouldn't even think about this. It should come Naturally, as with other Womanly Things.

Original poster
CailinDana · 07/09/2011 20:40

It seems you're right motherinferior. I am really surprised at how emotive the reaction has been to such a small thing - would the reaction be the same if I didn't make my DH a packed lunch or if I didn't sort out his tax for him?

OP posts:
Original poster
CailinDana · 07/09/2011 20:42

Out of curiosity, do all the ladies who think I'm selfish etc make their DH's lunch or do things like packing for them to go on holiday? If it's ok to say to my DS that daddy will pack his own thing for holidays why is it not ok for me to say that he will wash his own clothes?

OP posts:
SheldonsBazinga · 07/09/2011 20:44

I keep wondering whether I've wandered on to one of those "What would we have posted about if MN had been around in the 1950s?" threads by mistake.

motherinferior · 07/09/2011 21:10

Try having separate surnames. Or - gasp - separate bank accounts. My relationship is clearly dysfunctional and/or deranged because we have those.

Feminine · 07/09/2011 21:11

Out of interest op what does your DH think/say about all this?

Sorry if you have already said.

The reason it strikes some of us as strange,is it seems such a trivial thing to take a stance on.

It takes a few minutes to bung on a load.

I could I understand (and relate more) if you just washed his stuff,and threw it on the bed for him to sort ,tidy and put away when it was dry!

That is the worst part IMO.

Did your DH refuse point blank to do any of your clothes at some point? Confused

I do the washing for my DH because I love him,he makes me a tea for me( I suspect) for the same reason.

I don't think this anyway relates to one of those 1950's threads...because most us these days, are kind to our fellow humans right...?

motherinferior · 07/09/2011 21:14

Er...are women supposed to sort/tidy/put away their partners' clothes? Can't men even stash their pants in the relevant drawer???

SheldonsBazinga · 07/09/2011 21:16

"It takes a few minutes to bung on a load."

Then presumably this also holds true for the OP's dh. So why is this a problem?

Feminine · 07/09/2011 21:18

sheldons turn it round again...its no big deal!

Feminine · 07/09/2011 21:21

mother if you are at home then it makes sense you would do the laundry more often.

I am a sahm too ,I know the drudgery ...but it still seems a very silly thing to take a stance on.

ShoutyHamster · 07/09/2011 21:21

If it works for you, fine.

We share most tasks, but I do the washing because I'm more anal about my clothes - just have more stuff that requires different temps and am BOTHERED about having certain things clean when I want them - so I do it and bung his stuff on at the same time.

motherinferior · 07/09/2011 21:23

Yes, but not putting the laundry away! Surely not. Tell me grown men don't have their washing neatly put away for them. Or ironed. Shock

I think perhaps I live on another planet.

timidviper · 07/09/2011 21:23

I don't make DHs packed lunch, nor do I iron shirts so don't see this as a 1950s housewife issue but to me the washing is easy to bung in and the more washing there is the better it sorts into whites, colours, temperatures, etc so I have no problemwith his washing. As others have said though he does some jobs I hate.

Would be interesting to see your response though if he decided he was working to pay "his and DS'" share of the bills and not yours as you are an adult and should be able to do it for yourself.

itypefast · 07/09/2011 21:32

I'm the same as you, CailinDana. (what a grand Nickname!)

DP does his own laundry. It works well for us. He uses the dryer for his clothes. I never use the dryer, except for towels. If I see his clothes have finished in the dryer, I'll fold and put them away. It's not a source of tension :-)

Matsikula · 07/09/2011 21:32

I am with you OP. washing and drying (if you don't have a dryer) someone else's clothes is not a small task. And until my husband learns how to actually use the flippin' washing machine, the only reason I will wash any of his clothes is to make up a full load.

Good for you planning to teach your son to do his washing too, I did it from age about 13 onwards, and so did my brother.

Feminine · 07/09/2011 21:33

mother many times I leave DH's washing for him to put away ....many times I do it.

sometimes DH does his own washing sometimes he does mine.

No hard and fast rules.

I am mainly at home and benefit from his long work hours ,just makes sense.

I don't iron ANYTHING Grin

Gluttondressedaslamb · 07/09/2011 21:37

Why post on an AIBU thread if you get upset when people give their opinion?
You asked, after all - so we replied. Obviously a sign that we all have too much time on our hands (that would be better spent operating the washing machine ;) ) as who really cares if OP likes to run a his and hers household?

exoticfruits · 07/09/2011 21:58

People who post on AIBU seem to think there isn't another side! It all seems unbelievably petty to me-you all live in the same household it makes sense to just do a combined wash without making a fuss about it.

ImperialBlether · 07/09/2011 22:03

I think what gets me is the thought behind it. The fact you're picking up your clothes and your son's clothes and then deliberately not picking up his seems like the sort of thing someone might do when they really dislike that person.

motherinferior · 07/09/2011 22:08

Why should she pick his clothes up? What has tidying up and cleaning for someone else got to do with affection or love? Why are so many people accusing the OP of being somehow cold-hearted and unloving when this isn't about love it's about washing? About housework?

exoticfruits · 07/09/2011 22:13

No one has said she should pick up clothes. She is at home and has more time, she is doing other washing and it is petty to miss him out. If they swapped places and he was stay at home dad it would make sense for him to do the washing.

motherinferior · 07/09/2011 22:15

Er...actually the post directly above mine said 'The fact you're picking up your clothes and your son's clothes and then deliberately not picking up his seems like the sort of thing someone might do when they really dislike that person'.

THat is the conflation of affection and washing that I'm questioning.

exoticfruits · 07/09/2011 22:19

most people are talking about washing. I think it is fair enough that you only wash what is in the washing basket-that can be a blanket rule for everyone.My DCs know that clothes will not get washed unless they pick them up and put them in the washing basket.

motherinferior · 07/09/2011 22:21

The very first post in this thread explains: 'There is no way on earth I would pick up DH's dirty underpants and socks (usually from the floor where they reside)'...

So picking up is a crucial element of all this.

motherinferior · 07/09/2011 22:22

In any case, I don't agree that washing=love. Well, perhaps it does but frankly I would rather be Unwomanly and Unloving if that is the case.