My sister has Borderline Personality Disorder

[whatever17]

She has always been difficult. She is 51 now, I am 42. My parents are nearly 80 and want nothing to do with her. I learned that she was sleeping rough and came to her aid.

I am really scared of her (emotionally) and she has already stormed out once. But I couldn't stand the thought of her living under a bridge.

Really secretly cross with my parents for turning her away. But she vehemently hates them.

I am quite scared of her - but I do want to help her.

Dittany, as others have said, it is Borderline PERSONALITY Disorder.

The thing that a lot of people don't understand about it is that it is primarily an inability to deal with things in a way that other people do. The way that people with BPD deal with things makes them unhappy, therefore, they have to change.

I have BPD and yes my childhood was fucked up, but I can't change that. I can only change how I act/think. Of course I would prefer not to have to do that, and for everyone to just deal with my anger, mood swings, rage etc and have loads of sympathy for me and excuse me cos I am fucked up, but that's not fair, on others or on me.

I feel that I cannot admit to her the extent of the problems and keep my relationship with my parents too.

It feels to me that my friend wants/needs me to choose all the time, and choose her over others, and memories of her husband who was my friend.
( I don?t talk about them, she does, and my refusal to agree to her demands that I agree he was an evil kidnapper who then deliberately abandoned her when he was done with her, her by the clever trick of killing himself, is in itself me ?choosing him over her?)

I don?t know if it?s any help to tell you it is perfectly possible to live comfortably understanding your parents where terribly flawed people, and what was done by them was terribly wrong, and yet still have compassion for them as people?

I come from something OTT and just accept them for who they where, how they where, what they did, and all their complexities. Whatever else, they gave me life and let me keep life, and that?ll do me.

My poor sister who generally reaped the reward end of our messed up childhood, hangs onto she was loved, therefore what happened to me must have been deserved, including my ?unique? name which leaves no one in doubt about my parent?s view of the latest child, and the one occasion when something shockingly violent was done to her, I must have somehow caused it, and anyway didn?t protect her (I was 9, glued to the spot by terror)

It?s easier for her to believe her life in and out of hospital was caused by me in the 12 years we shared, not by a messed up upbringing.

Wouldn?t matter but she named one of her children after me, and declared it a bad one.

Dittany I understand what you're saying and feel for both Whatever17 and her sister, and agree that both are between a rock and hard place, but am I getting the problem correctly, (and I may not) that by the time you end up with full blown BPD, it's gone way way past the context and situation that caused it, and has become an extreme reaction/ way of thinking to everything, that only someone close to that person can understand as being linked to the original cause and that's why it's dumped back on the person with BPD?

ie: cashier in supermarket being screamed at, and then about, for eternity, because one day they'd only give out one plastic bag for 4/5 tins, when asked for a 2nd.

To me it suggests supermarket eco campaign/running low on bags.

Friend finds it suspicious that I can't see it's obviously because the cashier's decided she's not worth a second bag, and help's now needed for a campaign to get her sacked.

If you dig its because friend is more educated than cashier who therefore has no right to judge friend, and cashier's behaved how her mother would have had she'd ever asked her for an extra bag, (never did) and then the issue becomes if you still think cashiers following an eco campaign, then you're siding with her mother, and think she's unworthy too! Gotcha!
It's added to the 'evidence base' and can be held up years later.

A way of dealing with the terrible damage seems to be disordered thinking that puts it onto others to highlight feelings?

Problem now, is nothing done about mum, changes behavior over cashier and all who don't see her as wrongdoer even if we understand and agree about mum. Cashier understandably wants friend ejected and barred.

I suspect Whatever17's sisters demands and what lies behind it may be coming out the same way?

(sorry that's so long)

Whatever, it sounds like you're all caught up in the family drama and that's a painful yet familiar place to be. It is a system, everyone suffers, everyone gets stuck, nobody wins. It doesn't help to scapegoat the person with the most extreme behaviour and it doesn't help to turn them into the victim either.

I find I can hold a sense of my sister as a vulnerable, sensitive little girl whose needs were neglected. I grieve for her and really miss her. I can also understand how her frankly loony behaviour arose out of the drama. And as an adult I will not engage with that because it pulls us both down.

I am just about able to hold the balance of seeing my parents also as neglected and abused children, as the rubbish parents they often were and also as the flawed, well meaning, tricky humans they are now. I have a decent relationship with them now, and didn't have to confront or deconstuct them. I certainly let go of any illusions about them at one point, scary and liberating.

There was also the not so small matter of my own shit to sort out! Work in progress!

I'm sorry, I haven't read all the thread.

But, I am a person who once was diagnosed BPD (ad's/zyprexa/risperdal/lithium) but now have a clean bill of health and am free from all medications. 5 years intensive therapy including 3 years of Schema Therapy (which I'm sure FabbyChic has already mentioned).

BPD need not be a "terminal" diagnosis, it's possible to recover and lead a normal life. I am balanced now, I understand grey - frequently more commonly than many self-professed sane mners!

If anyone would like to discuss further on a more personal level, please don't hesitate to drop me a PM. :)

Alpine that's brilliant to hear.

That's good to hear AlpinePony.
My childhood was fairly good actually but I had a difficult birth & got epilepsy which - my psych thinks that my BPD could be linked to this. I started getting OCD aged 6 too. It's like i see things through a different lens to others - but i never realised until a few months ago.
All my life i've been exhausted by 2nd guessing what others think of me, imagining they are laughing at me and are out to get me.
Also i see all objects as having 'faces' (weird but v normal to me). When i'm well u would never guess my problems - i'm stylish, well-groomed & lively.
When i'm ill even having a shower is a major effort.
Yet my parents are so reliable so my problems can't be due to them. I had some bitchy school 'friends' until age 14 - that's how i learnt not to trust others - i wasn't exactly bullied but learnt that to fit into my environment it was better not to 'be myself'. Also had some mild abuse which meant i was quite mixed up. Many people with much worse childhood issues don't get BPD though so i feel that some people are just pre-disposed that way from birth.

This is so interesting to hear feedback from all sides and glad that no one is doing any shooting down in flames. Well done us - a massive issue dealt with maturely.

I have been crying all week, haven't been able to work and barely to get out of bed to deal with the kids. I must admit that only about 5% of that is the behaviour of BPD sister. 95% is that being around her has made me remember everything. Therefore not due directly to her behaviour, just her presence.

As a parent (who understands how insanely angry children can make you, especially as teenagers) and as a child of a dysfunctional household - I have forgiven my parents. I think, with me, they really, really tried. Mum was crazy, she changed as we got older and I like her now. I also know that, with the best will in the world, family life can flip you out.

Luckily, for my kids, I have the longest fuse in the world. But when it blows, maybe once a decade, I am genuinely a lunatic and can barely speak for volcanic rage. My father is the same, I think he lost his temper with me once and I have lost my temper with my eldest once and my youngest never.

I am not staying it's right but I am just an "internal" person - hence the depression/anxiety.

The "unique" name - OMG - my BPD sis has a gross "unique" name made up of a mash up of our parents' names. It is as bad as "Ermentrude". Blessedly I have a bog standard name like "Sue" for which I have been eternally grateful!

Fabby this explains ever such a lot about the general tone of your posts, but has it never occurred to you to take into account the fact that you have a clinical disorder which means that you lack empathy and insight, before you post? It's great that you are aware of your condition and how it affects you, but you still post harsh, judgemental stuff without ever stating that your judgement may be affected by your BPD.

But your sister didn't choose her name.

I know it would be really painful for you to open the can of worms but Dittany's suggestion of Alice Miller seems to me to be a really good one. However, I would find a therapist to work with you through any Alice Miller book you decide to read. You might like to tackle Louise Wisechild's autobiographical 'The Mother I Carry' too, but with a therapist. 'Toxic Parents' by Susan Forward would be an excellent, more standard in form, case study sort of book. Her 'Emotional Blackmail' is excellent too. 'The Emotional Incest Syndrome' by Patricia Love is another good one.

sorry to be ignorant but what is DBD?

Ah - I have one of those too!

Fabby said that there are 10 pointers to diagnosis, I'm not sure if I've missed it elsewhere on the thread, but I would really like to know what they are.

Off to read thread again.

Here's Fabby's link from upthread, TheWisdomofSolomum (what a great name btw!)

Whatever17, about that name, it's very telling.
From the recieving end of that one; you live with a daily reminder that they really could do as they wanted back then, and the name is just the tiny bit of the crazy behaviour towards you, the world can see.
I can't even begin to tell people what was normal in my childhood, it's beyond belief and I understand that.
My sister also got a nice, pretty, bog standard name. It just highlighted the contrast in our treatment more.

I kept mine and just sought to rise above it's meaning. But my friend changed her unusual first name to try escape her childhood. Just after she sought a non harassment order, her mother changed her name to the one friend has adopted. Friends sister needs their mum to want her, and see's little problem.

I didn't 'forgive' my parents, (couldn't have dared!) just accepted who they where, and what they did, warts and all. I mention that because your sister doesn't sound like forgiveness would ever be an option for other reasons.

I hope you can manage to get things back on track without blaming your sister. This stuff isn't your fault, and you need to do what you need to do, but your sister isn't to blame either.

MJ - BPD is a diagnosis that should only be made by qualified psychiatrists - following psychological assessments & tests.
Due to the stigma, the diagnosis shouldn't be made lightly.
Regarding your DH's Ex - some intervention, maybe by social services, is needed for her daughter's sake.
But she could have any number of MH problems - or none.
It's not a lay person's job to make a random diagnosis of any individual from the internet!