My sister has Borderline Personality Disorder

[whatever17]

She has always been difficult. She is 51 now, I am 42. My parents are nearly 80 and want nothing to do with her. I learned that she was sleeping rough and came to her aid.

I am really scared of her (emotionally) and she has already stormed out once. But I couldn't stand the thought of her living under a bridge.

Really secretly cross with my parents for turning her away. But she vehemently hates them.

I am quite scared of her - but I do want to help her.

August, sorry to hear that risperidone didn't help your DS - it can be very sedating in tiny doses and 'normal' doses but strangely doesn't have that effect in small but not tiny doses IYSWIM. Sometimes takes a little time to get the dose right. And sometimes, like you say just not the right medication.

People with Borderline PD have unstable moods and often switch between mood states as a result of xs sensitivity in inter-personal relationships [family, friends, professionals] Often describing feeling suddenly depressed, disillusioned, abandonned, after a perceived sleight and characteristically feeling 'bored' or 'empty'. It's different to the mood swings experience by people with bi-polar d.

Excuse my ignorance but, do they definitely know what is the cause of BPD? I know that having a difficult childhood has been mentioned but then why doesn't everyone who has had a bad childhood go on to develop BPD? Obviously certain individuals are more predisposed?

www.nhs.uk/Conditions/Borderline-personality-disorder/Pages/Causes.aspx

A good summary of the causes of BPD from NHS choices.

Hi,
I have a very good friend with a DD21 diagnosed with BPD. She also has anorexia and we cannot seem to get much help over here (NZ). She was committed under the mental health act and got some sort of drug treatment in hospital but once she was released would not take her medication. Now she is not eating and wasting away and the hospital won't take her in as they say she is not "bad enough". Does she have to be near death to get help??
So upset for my friend, don't know what she can do

Ive spent all morning reading about this disorder as i suspect my dd has it , or something similar . I am in tears with it , ive reached breaking point . I am consumed with guilt , i am told repeatedly by her that she hates me , and i read that childhood plays a major part . On occasion i have indeed snapped and said or done things that i bitterly regret . She often engineers this and will push and push until people explode , then gloat .

In the last year she has been assaulted numerous times , and has frequently got herself into situations where she needs rescuing . Sometimes it is real and other times it is not , but it is always a situation of her own making . I am frequently called to rescue her and she deliberateley trys to drag me into her world of low life freinds , drug abuse and threats . In the past she has made threats on my behalf that have put me in a dangerous situation .

She tells horrendous lies about me , i am evil , a bitch , and i have ruined her life . I am reluctant to abandon her but know that i have to take steps to protect myself . The guilt and everything else ties me in and consmes me , i feel i can do nothing to help her but that i am forced to sit in the front row seats and watch her self destruct .

Thanks for that opinionatedmum.

I read up on BPD some years ago where there seemed to be very little information on it other than childhood playing an important role. There seemed to be no clear treatment and even cases where the MH profession refused to treat, as well as the debate of whether it was even a true illness!

Reading that it seems there have been great strides made since and much more information on the causes. Knowing somebody with BPD, I've always personally felt that there had to be a genetic/chemical element to this illness and I'm glad to see that more research has been carried out.

Loving your posts to this thread, Fabby, thank you.

Whatever, I do appreciate your concern and understand that you feel between a rock and a hard place. You want to do the right thing by your sister, but what is the right thing when her mere presence is disruptive?

I have to say I don't think you're the person to help her. You have described her as ugly, awkward, unintelligent and have blamed her for your own difficult childhood. I imagine you can see that this is your 'family script' talking ... but it is talking through you :( It looks reasonable to suppose that being the thick ugly duckling of the family is what led her to become so damaged.

Your perceptions of her must be clear to her - although I can see that you also care about her, and she'll see that too. The poor woman must feel that the very best she should hope for is grudging tolerance.

Perhaps some of the other BPD sufferers could help you with what to do and say to get some sort of support in place. It might be better for her to live alone, I don't know? As you say, you can't leave her to fend for herself because she's not able to. But if you can sort out a situation where she has reason to believe she will become independent and able to cope, and has you on hand but not in pocket, that would surely be constructive.

Shit... I recognise a lot of symptoms:(

What is the causes I can't find a definate answer does anyone know?

yesterday, how old is your dd?

More people with BPD commit suicide each year than in any other mental health category.

I think it's tricky to "help" someone with BPD as a lay person without professional training and client/therapist, doctor/patient barriers. Firstly because you can actually be enabling and feeding into paranoid thoughts, and secondly from the perspective of self preservation and looking after others around you.

You can just be there and be in contact but with BPD its very easy to give the wrong kind of help and it can turn into a very destructive thing on all sides.

Thats just my opinion

Inestremiss I'm not sure you're talking about the same disorder as most of the rest of us, BPD sufferers are often under psychiatric care, not just a bit of self indulgent americaney "therapy", and also under suicide prevention care too. Your post doesn't anger me as you are clearly talking about a different disorder to most of the rest of us. BPD is very serious and life threatening

I take Respiradone I halved the doseage because it made me so unfeeling, however it does work and i take 1mg a day. It works for me and has made my life bearable.

Well - she has stormed off and had a temper tantrum for the 2nd time in 2 weeks. I felt super depressed and jumpy and tearful around her. I felt like I was always saying the wrong thing and walking on eggshells.

Anyway, she seems to be getting back on her feet, plugged into housing and social workers. I paid for her car insurance for a year, helped her with ID and lent (gave) her £250.

At that - I am signing off, she always, always has a problem and I have enough on my own plate. I am a peaceful person and just don't want that kind of drama for me and my kids.

I am glad that she has stormed off again and this time I am going to keep it permanent.

I have BPD, i've just returned to work after a period of severe depression.
Luckily my employers are very understanding & appreciate how hard i work when i'm well.
I also have a lovely group of friends. My family try to be supportive - although they do provoke me into rows by criticising & shouting: they are the only people who know exactly how to wind me up.
As we are so close i feel suicidal when we row. I blame myself & feel like i shouldn't exist.
I now realise that they often project their stress onto me as they know i'm soft & always forgive them - except it's often me who apologises too as i get the angriest!
They also think that being critical will motivate me to 'get better' & dont understand that I may not.
I have recently discussed things with them & am finding that we have a better relationship again now.
I'm very independent - another reason to fall out as they can see when i need help but i resent needing help.
I have learnt how to ask for help now, & how to stop getting too angry.
The worst problem is the almost daily mood swings. I also have epilepsy & am now coming off epilim and going onto keppra for that.
The epilim has been a mood stabiliser too - i used to be very agitated - but my new psychiatrist wants to 'see what happens' before prescribing an alternative.
Also i get paranoia & derealisation with PMT for 2 weeks monthly. But no drugs for that either yet.. it's scary.
The psychologist I see is good, so is the neurologist.
I just havent had consistent psychiatric help as the doctors keep moving on.

'Stop Walking on Eggshells' was a godsend for me, as exH probably has BPD along with NPD and a huge dose of general anxiety thrown in. I say 'probably' because he refused to allow his psychiatrist to talk with me about any diagnosis he has, so my theory is just a theory. However, after years of studying the matter and living with him, I think I am right. Randi Kreger has a website too, BPDcentral.com iirc.

In the end my decision was that the relationship was sucking me dry and divorce was the only option.

Sadly, it has not been possible for the children to 'divorce' him but they have decided to end the relationship when they have turned 18, though DD1 in effect did it when she was 15. She hasn't spoken to him for 6 years now. He blames me for the breakdown of the relationship with the DCs, as well as for 'driving him to the brink of suicide.' He does that 'My kids can't stand her because she is in "up" mode (fake mode) with them and they can smell it' thing when they go for their visitation every second weekend.

Whatever17, you have to do what is right for you and for your children in this situation and hope she gets the help she needs from the services she has managed to get in touch with.

I no longer have mood swings, not since I started taking the Respiradone, however it is what they give schoziphrenics (shit my spelling).

For the first time in 6 months today I actually felt depressed, had some shit news and it pissed me off.

Why is it that when my son is 18 and in full time education I get X amount of housing benefit but when he suddenly leaves all education and is not working and signing on that I get fuck all and have to pay full wack! £629 a month rent ffs and Im the only fucker going to be living here, and full council tax.

Nuts!

Rant over. x

Fabby, they prob do it to encourage kids to stay in education - which is unfair on you as you can't get teenagers to do anything they don't want to do! Hope he gets a job soon - do take a bit of his JA for rent.
Mathanxiety - sorry to hear of your exH issues but you shouldn't just assume he has any particular disorder - whatever is wrong mentally his behaviour could just be due to him being a total arsehole!
My sister & dad looked @ 'walking on eggshells' & were shocked by the vindictiveness of the author.
Yes i do fit all the BPD criteria, i know i'm good at lying & am manipulative but i choose to try not to be (my family are wise to it anyway & find it funny!!).
My relationships with people are good generally but i feel safer with people who are open, laid back & nice - which my best friends are. I care for the elderly; some have dementia or other MH illnesses & i am good at relating to them.
I am never 'fake nice' - when i'm nice to people it's because i mean it.

*don't go curly"

"Borderlines actually do better with strong boundaries and rules from family members. To enable is to sabotage"

Excellent advice...I'm an RMN/CBT therapist and work with a lot of young wpmen with emergent BPD. They are frustrating but can be endearing at the same time!! I think you're advice about boundaries is spot on. It really works, you just have to have the stomach to carry them through...inspiteof/despite hints either covert or overt of suicidality/self-harm. Consistency is the key! and it is possible if you;re firm to be empathic at the same time.

Whatever 17, I also don?t think you are currently in a position to cope with her.
Thank you for starting this thread, and to those who?re diagnosed with it, who?ve offered insights, especially Fabby, and those who?ve posted links/ books/ sites.

I?ve been slowly coming apart, supporting someone daily, (lived in part time for 6 months after she was suddenly widowed and left with a pet hoard, possibly enabling? I don?t know) who I?m pretty sure has it on top of diagnosed ASD.

I think the behaviors from it, is the reason why mental health professionals have been turning her down for all asked for help, (except anti-depressants) despite being in very clear need. (turned down for bereavement counseling following both brother and husbands suicides, for CBT and psychotherapy ) She?s been refused all direct help, and everyone, including professionals, who know her have advised me to get out and fast, which I struggle with.

She?s often self-absorbed, defeatist, negative, unforgiving, demanding, paranoid, volatile, appears manipulative, super sensitive, anxious, vindictive, angry, a permanent victim, (yes, I know that doesn?t make me sound like much of a friend) dismissive of me, or blaming me, and insistent that suicide?s a matter of time, and lack of it my fault, and screams at me for hours on end when she?s not trying to be a dependant little girl or insisting she?s just an empty vessel or non-viable life form.
Mood swings are easily every 20 min and without warning. Good things, experiences etc don?t seem to help.

Sometimes I?ve felt I can?t keep going anymore, (which is how she feels full time) no matter what protective barriers I?ve put up.

There are also many decent, positive and endearing components of her character too, that I like and admire, and could clearly sustain her, but they?re often swamped by what I can see are behaviors she?s no insight into and just getting no help with.

She?s hard work, but she?s living in total hell , insistent her problem is just her being alive. It?s heart-breaking and I?d like to find a way to help her, rather than just as the o/p rightly put it ?keep her in this world?.

Ask to accompany her to her next meet with CPD/psychiatrist ?

Fabby, thank you for speaking up so honestly about your condition. I had no idea. It suddenly makes a lot of sense because I do see a lack of empathy in your posts. I hope you don't find that offensive for me to say. Now I know of your condition I can at least have empathy for you in your responses and opinions if applicable and enjoy them for what they are, if that makes sense? So thanks for sharing.

Fruitbowls not sure if that was to Whatever17, or me.
If it was me, she has no meet, they've dumped her as beyond help.

Hi Fabby, I thought people who lived on their own got 25% off their council tax bill? It might be worth checking (or rechecking) as I'm sure that's what happens here in my London Borough.