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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

My sister has Borderline Personality Disorder

201 replies

whatever17 · 06/09/2011 21:42

She has always been difficult. She is 51 now, I am 42. My parents are nearly 80 and want nothing to do with her. I learned that she was sleeping rough and came to her aid.

I am really scared of her (emotionally) and she has already stormed out once. But I couldn't stand the thought of her living under a bridge.

Really secretly cross with my parents for turning her away. But she vehemently hates them.

I am quite scared of her - but I do want to help her.

OP posts:

Original poster

whatever17 · 06/09/2011 22:11

Goddamn - repeated suicide attemps, manipulation, suspicion, massive hurt. A person with no outer skin whatsoever who will hurt those close at will due to perceived hurts.

OP posts:

BrawToken · 06/09/2011 22:12

In my experience, very extreme behaviors - suicidal feelings & attempts/drug taking/alcohol abuse/extreme risk taking and recklessness/shopping and debt/personality which is very over the top, but often admired ie extremely extrovert, charming, funny etc/reclusiveness/depression/fabrication to the point where the person believes it...

I suppose, in short, extremes.

Although, I am no expert, so please don't use this as some kind of diagnostic tool as it could describe lots of people. I am told the majority people with this diagnosis eperience childhood trauma.

FabbyChic · 06/09/2011 22:14

Respiradone is an anti-psychotic, its stops the paranoia the mood swings. They give it to scizophrenics! My sister took it and I asked my Psych for it and he prescribed it, its brilliant!

Ive been back to work after a four year sick break for three months now and I love it.

I have terrible mood swings, one minute laughing the next raging angry.

Feel like self harming but never have.

Rocky relationships taking things to extremes in so far as emailing a guys work telling them he was a sex pervert, not just his branch but every single branch of the place where he worked there were about 30 of them.

Not taking rejection at all well, thinking everything is a rejection.

Taking risks with regards to sleeping with people.

Collecting things. i.e 75 pairs of shoes in all different colours, then after that bags, paperweights, mini shoes, always something.

Spending too much. Bankrupt twice.

Im high functioning so it only causes me problems in relationships, there are some though whereby it affects them everyday for me it doesn't.

A lot of those suffering from BPD decide to stay single forever because that is the only way to be normal.

I've sent 50 texts in five mins one after the after after I was dumped once.

hairylights · 06/09/2011 22:14

If nothing else, this thread has helped me understand fabbys outrageous opinions and the way she expresses them
better.

FabbyChic · 06/09/2011 22:16

So much of what I perceived was normal behaviour isn't! But I recognise it.

Having no empathy is a big BPD trait. Never thinking of the consequences of your actions.

Going off on one and then talking normally as if you have done nothing wrong, it is like you have no shame.

FabbyChic · 06/09/2011 22:16

Im just gobby! Im bubbly on the outside and mush on the inside!

BrawToken · 06/09/2011 22:16

Fabby your insight is fantastic (and we x posted a lot there ). My SIL has never really explained to me those things so you have really helped me. Thank you for your time and generosity in sharing this. x

hairylights · 06/09/2011 22:16

That was a little tongue in cheek.

Op. It can be terribly hard helping someone who suffers this kind of mental illness, probably the hardest kind of caring because their thinking is so skewed (ex had bipolar , chronic anxiety and social phobia and suspected bpd). It broke me. Good on you for caring.

FabbyChic · 06/09/2011 22:21

Hey Braw it can be managed, it's hard because we see no wrong in our behaviour, we behave the way we do because we are emotionally very young. Im 46 but my emotional age the way I react the way I behave in certain situations is like an 18 year old, very immature. With BPD there are no boundaries it is like you just don't know how to behave.

BrawToken · 06/09/2011 22:28

fabby I have read your posts about how well your kids are doing and as a mother, I find it hard to believe they have done this without you understanding how to behave. I guess that is what makes this diagnosis so confusing! Presumably you had enough empathy to know they were hungry/sad/happy, and had to do the school gates/playgroup?

BrawToken · 06/09/2011 22:29

whatever hope you get on ok and manage to stay in control of this situation. x

ifonlyifonly · 06/09/2011 22:41

My older sis also has BPD. Like Braw, I feel I have to protect my dc especially, but also myself and indeed dh. It bloody breaks my heart, though, every day, that I can't help her. I've been told that I'm the last person she'd want to help her, because she can't stand the fact that I'm competent enough to do so.

One of the things that hurts is the kind of web of lies told to others, described above - I have often been a victim of that, as have my parents. Also I walk in fear of the kind of revenge attack Fabby describes so honestly - contacting every single employer branch to discredit someone.

Fabby, if you were my sis - if it's not too much to ask - would you rather I just steered clear? My set-up sounds a bit like the OP's - significant reasons for envy and rage - so I guess those feelings surge up whenever she sees me. Also, I'd love to know what it's like to not have empathy. I find it hard to accept that my big sister just doesn't care about me and in fact often wishes me harm.

ifonlyifonly · 06/09/2011 22:50

Also, if anyone has any tips on how I can stop worrying about her, I'd be extremely grateful. Hopefully the OP would be, too.

FabbyChic · 06/09/2011 22:55

I have problems in romantic relationships, I had to step up to the plate with my kids because they had no one else, and I don't have any family, my kids only have me. Their dad is a part-time Pops, he comes up with the money but not with the time. They haven't seen him for 18 months we have been split up since 1995.

BrawToken · 06/09/2011 22:57

ifonlyifonly for you. It's not rational and you should try not to take on the guilt for the imagined injustices she has experienced. Hugs. My DP has backed completely off now and this has helped us all.

Againagainagain · 06/09/2011 22:57

Fictional my arse!

My friend has bpd and can display all the characteristics mentioned above when she is unwell. When she is well she is extremely high functioning and a totally different person.

When I was training to be a mental health nurse I worked with alot of people with bpd, I will admit that I was quite weary of a few people I met as their behaviour was so unpredictable and extreme although this isn't the case with all sufferers.

Original poster

whatever17 · 06/09/2011 23:02

My sis NEVER says "how are you" before asking for something for herself or requesting money.

My kids can't stand her because she is in "up" mode (fake mode) with them and they can smell it. Even my dog growled at her - and he is not like that.

I just want to keep her in this world but wonder why.

OP posts:

FabbyChic · 06/09/2011 23:04

Is she in therapy? In a relationship?

Honey you can be there for her, but you cannot be responsible for her actions.

You have a family too a life. You obviously care for her very much, all you can really do is arm yourself with information and try and get her to get as much help as is available, get on the right medication etc.,

Againagainagain · 06/09/2011 23:11

Agree with fabby read as much as you can about it so you have a good understanding of why she acts like she does. If she is on medication or in therapy it doesn't sound like it is working for her.

It seems you are doing your best to support her, but like flabby says you can't be responsible for her actions or behaviour, all you can do is be there for her.

BrawToken · 06/09/2011 23:11

I expect my dp would relate to that. He loves his sis and also despairs of her an wonders why he cares.

Original poster

whatever17 · 06/09/2011 23:12

FabC

No - she is just recovering from a really serious suicide attempt. She has no ID and no money.

I don't know that I can say I love her, she is such a nuisance. My parents aren't great but they were 3,000 better to me than they were to her.

I am stuck between hating her (the family script) and liking her. But she sees me as her sweet baby sister and I am 42 now.

She has said that she will have some ptherapy.

Kind regards

Jane

OP posts:

FabbyChic · 06/09/2011 23:13

If you was to ask her why she wouldn't be able to tell you, because she sees no wrong in her actions or the way she behaves. I know how I behave is unacceptable but my answer is I don't know how to change it, who can change their whole personality? The person they essentially are?

worraliberty · 06/09/2011 23:17

This thread is spooky whatever because between you and Fabby, you've both more or less described my cousin.

She also has BPD but part of it for her is that she's a compulsive/habitual liar. She lies for no reason at all....from the tiniest little thing...to huge over exaggeration when re-telling a story...to just out and out lies for the sake of it.

She's a lovely person but very up and down and no-one quite knows how she's going to react from one 20 minute period to the next.

FabbyChic · 06/09/2011 23:19

My moods are static, in so far as they are the same all the time, that is the meds I understand that, but for me the alternative is too dark.

GypsyMoth · 06/09/2011 23:21

My ex h is bpd. He refuses any treatment( medical) but will talk to psych from time to time

We has 4 dc together but he has zero contact now. A lot of what you said is 'him' too fabby. I'm not supposed to allow him contact ( court ordered) but it's tough

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