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Original poster

My sister has Borderline Personality Disorder

201 replies

whatever17 · 06/09/2011 21:42

She has always been difficult. She is 51 now, I am 42. My parents are nearly 80 and want nothing to do with her. I learned that she was sleeping rough and came to her aid.

I am really scared of her (emotionally) and she has already stormed out once. But I couldn't stand the thought of her living under a bridge.

Really secretly cross with my parents for turning her away. But she vehemently hates them.

I am quite scared of her - but I do want to help her.

OP posts:
GypsyMoth · 06/09/2011 23:22

Fabby...... Especially the 'collecting' bit

FabbyChic · 06/09/2011 23:23

No one at work knows, they do know Im paranoid! I worry about my work!

I worry all the time that I'm not good enough, I act like I'm the bollocks but it's a front because I have no self-esteem it;s easier to play tough.

FabbyChic · 06/09/2011 23:24

Tiff my latest was a collection of Radley items, the bag, the umbrella, the purse, the cosmetic bag, the passport holder all matching ffs.

Then I had to have an iPad, didn't need one wanted one so got one, and hardly used it.

I do have to have's spent £250 last year on Pilgrim jewellery, never wore any of it ffs. Just sat in the bags on the shelf.

ifonlyifonly · 06/09/2011 23:25

Thank you for the hugs, Braw. Smile Fabby, as Braw says, you have fantastic insight.

I certainly love my sister, but as others say it is hard to bear the burden. Crippling, actually, and as the mum of dc I can't afford to be crippled even if my own life were not worth anything, which it certainly is . The worst thing is that I have internalised my sister's view that I am the cause of all her suffering, and it's hard to get out from under that.

Thank you for starting this thread, Whatever17.

izzywhizzyletsgetbusy · 06/09/2011 23:32

Thomas Szasz's theories have been a godsend (no pun intended) to the Church of Scientology inextremiss, and he is closely linked to the cult.

Szasz's 'myth' of mental illness which was popular in the 1970's has largely been disproved by clinical, medical, and genetic research.

aldiwhore · 06/09/2011 23:33

Whatever17, I have no experience or insight to offer, but I had to post just to offer virtual non patronising sympathy.... I do think mental health care for adults is shockingly bad, I also think you have to have a line on what you can and cannot accept. You sound like a compassionate sister, who cannot turn their back, but you also have to protect yourself and your family.

Not sure what I'm trying to say but is there any place you can get advice? Any charity you can turn to for guidence etc? You cannot save your sister by yourself, you can't turn your back either. Shit situation, but I wish you and your sister all the best and hope you can find a solution.

fargate · 06/09/2011 23:52

Re Szasz - You beat me to it, izzywhizzy, I was going to say exactly the same thing !!

Surprising tho' how often Szasz, Laing, Goffman etc are still quoted despite being so out of date - 50 years ago

springydaffs · 07/09/2011 09:05

I think my daughter has this . Or something like it anyway.

Fabby, I once told you to 'just shut up' on a thread. I'm sorry Sad

ifonlyifonly · 07/09/2011 09:39

How old's your dd, springy? Diagnosis isn't valid until adulthood. All adolescents behave like they have personality disorders, at least for some of the time. Because their brains are still developing and their identity still in flux.

annoyingdevil · 07/09/2011 09:53

Absolute bollox it doesn't exist. I have a 'friend' with it. She is paranoid, delusional, controlling and manipulative and can't maintain relationships with anyone. So far, I am the only person who has stood by her

DontGoCurly · 07/09/2011 10:03

All is not lost Springy, even if she does have it. It used to be called the dustbin diagnosis. But they have made great leaps and strides in recent times and there is great hope for much better treatment and management.

A sufferer called Marsha Linehan is now a Professor of Psychology has developed a great therapy called DBT which is having success.

Also far from being a construct as Szasz asserted it's known now that there are neurological differences in BPD sufferers. They are in a state of panic all the time.

There has been so much misunderstanding about BPD but that is changing. The people with it might behave badly but their behaviour is compunded by being stigmatised and treated like toxic people.

I hope things can improve for your daughter and OP. x

weegiemum · 07/09/2011 10:09

I was diagnosed last year.

i have all the syptoms except unstable relationships - but thats mainly cos my dh of 17 yrs is a saint and I have a small close group of friends who know.

It was such a releif to find out, it explains my symptoms and since I have been diagnosed I have improved as I have a reason now - I can say to myself "weegie, thats you being borderline" and get it under control.

I am in therapy with an NHS Consultant psychologist as well as seeing my psychiatrist. We are working on "Compassionate Mind" herapy - loving myself for me - and I have found Mindfulness Mediatation very helpful.

It does tend to get better as you get older. Whatever, I can really recommend the MIND website for explaining it well and clearly.

Snorbs · 07/09/2011 10:13

There's a very good book called "Stop Walking on Eggshells" by Randi Kreger that is specifically aimed at people who have friends/family/partners with BPD.

springydaffs · 07/09/2011 10:24

she is an adult. It is getting worse by the minute. I don't think she has any idea something is up tbh. Her behaviour is, indeed, 'toxic', impossible, frightening. I doubt she would go for treatment or face that she has a problem. She certainly wouldn't listen to me, says/thinks I am evil, controls and manipulates to a level you just wouldn't believe. I'll look at the MIND diagnosis and read the eggshells book.

sorry, this isn't about me. I hope you get some joy with your sister OP. It could be that you will as, like my daughter, your sister's chosen target seems to be your parents and nothing they do or say will make any difference. Somehow she sees you in a positive light and you could run with that. I do hope so.

slightlymad72 · 07/09/2011 10:39

I have a sister that was diagnosed about 7 years ago, I haven't seen her or had contact with her for 5 years now, I feel no guilt for my actions.

I had spent most of my adultlife living with her actions, being told that I must accept and ignore the things she said and did because she was my sister, no matter how much pain she inflicted, but there came a point where I couldn't carry on living with her in my life.

Her problems use to be directed solely at those people that where involved in her childhood (not a good childhood by any definition) however as she became older it became anybody and everybody, she has lost countless friends over the years and family no longer have the strength to deal with it anymore, I think there is some guilt from others that they are not still there for her but as she refuses to act on her diagnosis and seek help we have all had to accept there is very little we can do.

Maybe one day she will seek the help that is obviously out there for her and when she does I hope it works.

OpinionatedMum · 07/09/2011 10:55

Your sister needs housing and treatment. Rethink are very good at supporting relatives of people with mental illness and have an advice line. Have a look at rethink.org.

Your sister is ill and it is not her fault. I don't believe it is realistic to care for her yourself in your home though, the pressure will be to much over time. It sounds like she is low functioning and could benefit from some kind of supported housing. Again, something that rethink could help you with. Even though she has no papers there are ways of tracing her info and accessing housing, benefits and healthcare.

I wish you well and hope you get the support you need.

fargate · 07/09/2011 11:52

There really is hope, OP and springydaffs.

All mental health trusts are now legally obliged to provide services for adults with personality problems. BPD is a very common difficulty effecting almost 1 in 20 women.

There will be services for yr sisters - tho' not neccessarily well advertised, as often over-subscribed and people stay in treatment for a relatively long time.

Would your sisters benefit from an advocate from MIND or similiar organisation?

fargate · 07/09/2011 11:59

sorry a bit dropped off my last sentence ........from MIND or similiar organisation to help her access psychiatric help and social care.

Original poster
whatever17 · 10/09/2011 01:04

Hi - sorry - got a bit exhausted and dropped off.

Sis came round last night and asked if I thought she had PD.

I said - yes I thought she had BPD. She said she had already thought that and that she had asked her CPN who said "yes, traits of BPD".

I feel terrible. We had a horrific upbringing, but (in my mind, because I am so much younger than her) because of her suicide attempts when I was a kid.

I just don't know where the chicken/egg is.

TBH I was really happy with my small life with my kids and me and our council house and my little job before she "re-surfaced".

Now I feel unsettled and unhappy.

OP posts:
Original poster
whatever17 · 10/09/2011 01:19

I also feel she is a bit manic. She is in a hostel now but when she stayed with us for a few days my kids and I were exhausted as she kept waking up and saying that we slept too much (8 hours a night!).

My kids ended up hating her and we hid in the McDonald's carpark to get away.

OP posts:
DontGoCurly · 10/09/2011 01:58

OP, it's not your responsibility to fix her.

Protect your life from her. Yes, it's not her fault she's sick, but it's not your fault either

Your first priority is to protect yourself and your family. With Borderlines, you can support in a 'tough love' context. No more, no less. Yes, I am generalising here, there are high functioning and low functioning. Any person suffering from the disorder will have different levels of insight.

Your priority should be to protect yourself and your family first.

Original poster
whatever17 · 10/09/2011 02:11

Curly - I get you - but how do I do that?

With BPDs they are super fragile. She says the only grounding she has is our relationship. I must confess I just find her a chore, I don't even know if I love her. My childhood was overshadowed with her suicide attempts.

I don't know whether that was because of her or my parents - I just don't.

I feel I have to "save" her. How can I cut her off now?

I feel terrible, I feel like I am cracking up.

OP posts:
WetAugust · 10/09/2011 02:30

It's Risperdone aka Risperdal. It's an anti-pyschotic, not an SSRI. Turned my Ds into a zombie so I haven't anything good to say about it, but it does seem to be the psychiatric drug of choice for everything from psychoses to general anxiety disorders.

Your sister sounds bi-polar if you keep 'getting her back'.

DontGoCurly · 10/09/2011 02:43

No, You neither have to save her or cut her off. You clearly state to her your conditions for contact. You need certain unmoveable rules that you will not waver on. You decide the rules of engagement.

No last minute 'emergencies'
No drink or drugs
No new partners announced without warning
No suicide attempt blackmail
No guilt manipulation
No stealing or fraud
No making herself deliberately helpless
No bailing her out from legal troubles

Yes, BPD is a hellhole for those suffering from it. And yes they are incredibly sensitive and life hurts for them. BUT it is not their families business to absorb toxicity. Borderlines actually do better with strong boundaries and rules from family members. To enable is to sabotage.

There will be rages, splitting (you are blackly evil one minute or a saviour the next) You have to detatch and not take any of that personally. Remain calm, staid and constant. The borderline must know you will not be manipulated. Don't be tempted to mock or belittle though. It's hard. Difficult.

bakeyouhappy · 10/09/2011 04:01

Fabby I have just criticized you on another thread for your lack of empathy, I apologize now. It seems you are very aware of yourself.

Whatever17 I'm sorry for your situation.

BPD is very real. If your childhood wasn't the best than you may not be the healthiest either making it harder to defuse things.

I have done much therapy to help with my personality traits, and I know too well it is a long road, even after diagnosis.