My sister has Borderline Personality Disorder

[whatever17]

She has always been difficult. She is 51 now, I am 42. My parents are nearly 80 and want nothing to do with her. I learned that she was sleeping rough and came to her aid.

I am really scared of her (emotionally) and she has already stormed out once. But I couldn't stand the thought of her living under a bridge.

Really secretly cross with my parents for turning her away. But she vehemently hates them.

I am quite scared of her - but I do want to help her.

God, I wish i had read this thread 4 years ago. My lovely friend, with a dx of BPD died after so many suicide attempts. Her life was a living hell. It exhausted me, and I was only watching, God only knows how she felt. All possible help was given, CPN, CBT and probably loads more I've forgotten.
I was worn out with the 3 am phone calls, the police calling me, the constant worry. As was said upthread, if you phoned her, she never asked about you, always went into a tirade about who had done what to her.
But when she was 'herself' I loved her. I miss her so much, but really do not miss the drama. Whatever17, it is hard, hope you can work out your own path that works for you, with her.

Fabbychic, thank you for the insights.

I think you have to look after yourself and your children. I know your sister is in a tough place, but you need to make sure you aren't dragged down by her.

I think some people question the existence of BPD because it is sometimes given as a diagnosis when it is obvious there is a mental health issue, but no other clear diagnosis.

In my area there are a couple of specialist support services for people with BPD. Most other services refuse to work with people with BPD either because it is seen as too complex work that they can't handle or because people with "BPD are untreatable".

I think all you can do if your DS gets back in contact is tell her places where she can get help - Rethink should be able to advise of local resources.

'She?s often self-absorbed, defeatist, negative, unforgiving, demanding, paranoid, volatile, appears manipulative, super sensitive, anxious, vindictive, angry, a permanent victim, (yes, I know that doesn?t make me sound like much of a friend) dismissive of me, or blaming me, and insistent that suicide?s a matter of time, and lack of it my fault, and screams at me for hours on end when she?s not trying to be a dependant little girl or insisting she?s just an empty vessel or non-viable life form.
Mood swings are easily every 20 min and without warning. Good things, experiences etc don?t seem to help.'

Good description of my exH. Throw in sexual orientation issues (gay or bi and in denial) and what I can only describe as identity merging tendencies (seriously wanting to convert to Judaism after attending a Bar Mitzvah) and that's him.

He was raised by wolves. Not his fault that he is the way he is, but not up to me to cure him either.

dittany - it's very hazy for me to remember what the reality of our childhood was. I get on very well with my parents now and, in my opinion, they have been fabulous parents to me, and grandparents to my kids since I have been an adult.

I think mum had a really tough time with domesticity and was mentally unstable herself (she had a horrifying upbringing herself). I think mum was desperate to impose a "happy life" and control on the household and my sister drove her to distraction.

As a houserunner and parent myself now for 20 years I know that the domestic workload and the appearance that kids are working against you can drive you fucking nuts.

My 2 older sisters went to boarding school when they were 9 and 11 and they both found that really hard. The times had changed by the time I was old enough and I didn't go.

I also think that my parents were completely clueless as to why she was behaving so dangerously, erratically and they swung between being desperate to help and completely exasperated. Bearing in mind that mental health help in the 70s was in the Dark Ages.

She has been in hell ever since I can remember but so have my parents. She hates them passionately and calls them Cunt1 and Cunt2 yet turns to them for money.

It's really hard for me to sort out what is "family script" and what is real.

She's too much for me though.

Ah - just remembered the theme of our childhood was "don't upset your mother" (because she would get hysterical and be difficult for Dad to deal with).

For instance, I failed my first driving test and Dad said "don't tell your mother" I said "what do you want me to do then when I come to visit?" (I was at Uni) he said "just drive around like nothing's happened". I just said OK and drove around illegally for 5 years so as not to upset her!

It wasn't until I became a parent myself that I realised how lunatic that was. I actually laugh about it now though. I just think, "yep, they have serious issues".

Dittany - I agree with you, we're all nuts (including me, anxious/depressive). It's very hard to sort out what is script and what is real though.

She DOES behave in a really destructive and difficult way, therefore, did they criticise/lose patience with her because she was impossible. Or did she become impossible because she was badly treated. I know the popular answer, but I can't remember accurately.

Anyway, I do think I am the wrong person for her. I do want a relationship with my parents and it feels like warring factions on both sides. I have vivid memories of my parents sitting me down at about 8 or 9 to get me to "analyse" where they could possibly have gone wrong with her. Of course, I said it's not you, it's her - I had to.

I can see both sides of the argument - I think they have tried really hard since she's been an adult. But she really hates them for her treatment as a kid.

I also, aside from the family script, found her impossible to communicate with this last time around. I felt sorry for her and could see that she is incredibly fragile. But she was really mean, vengeful and bloody hard work.

And, to be honest, this is bringing up shit for me that I had chosen to put to bed.

My sister in law has BPD. Things have calmed down a lot since getting married and having a baby.

Im watching this thread with interest.

"I have vivid memories of my parents sitting me down at about 8 or 9 to get me to "analyse" where they could possibly have gone wrong with her. Of course, I said it's not you, it's her - I had to."

I think the evidence is there that your parents behaved quite immaturely there - and overly concerned about being right - and your sister being the difficult one.

And this isn't about condemning your parents as such - but just seeing the real truth of the situation.

I cut off contact with my sister 2 years ago when I was pregnant. After about 15 years of her extreme BPD behaviour I had a lightbulb moment and realised that I didn't want the baby to be involved in any way with her as she is now, that my mental health was being compromised by trying to fix her and maybe most importantly that any 'help' I was attempting to give was totally counterproductive.

IM very HO I think our troubled sisters know that we are trying to help partly cos we feel so sad, confused,guilty and scared of what they might do to themselves or us. And I felt she was made worse by seeing herself as capable of causing such upset and fear. Don't know if I'm making any sense whatsoever!

I think boundaries are so important, that this is what they are in fact looking for, to see someone relating to them not through anger or terror or guilt, but from self respect and courage. Took me years to find the guts to let go knowing suicide or reprisals were likely.

Whatever17, your family sound about as messed up as mine! I hope you find the way that's right for you with your sister. I've learned to live with the fact that there probably won't be a happy ending here, and that I can't control that but I can enjoy the life I've worked bloody hard to put together for myself and my own family!

Hug to you and all other posters trying to do the right thing.

Im not sure when my illness would have stated, the therapist said at about 8/9 but I can't remember that far back at all, or anything specific. I always put it down to my mother having an affair with my first boyfriend when I was 13 but she said it would have been before that.

I have no contact with any of my family they are all self.

Over the past 7 years since I have moved I have become a loner as life seems simpler and easier that way.

I've not lived with anybody for six years or had what you could call a proper relationship. I don't do casual sex and don't have a social life at all.

Life is much easier than it ever was because I don't have to worry about other people and my paranoia doesn't surface.

I've my kids even though one has now finished Uni and lives in London and the other one goes in less than two weeks to start Uni, leaving me on my own for the first time in 27 years.

I also have no friends because I have not been out to meet anybody to be friends with.

"And I felt she was made worse by seeing herself as capable of causing such upset and fear."

I know what you mean, when you're trying to help you either feed into the self loathing because they feel like the problem that takes up everyone's time, or else you get anger and resentment. It's kinda understandable really. Those of us without BPD can see things a bit too practically probably, and make suggestions that seem obvious and easy to us but to them its never going to work and we don't understand......

She has just called me cos of the upset on Saturday. She sent me a text saying please call me.

She was a bit pleasant and said that she thought I had caused all the problems in the last 2 weeks (we have only been in contact for the last 2 weeks after no contact for many years).

She said that she felt she had not done anything "wrong", I agreed with her. She said she wasn't the only one with mental health issues, I again agreed. She said that she felt that being in contact had not done either of us any good, I agreed. She asked what had gone wrong on the last "kerfuffle" I said that I had a hangover and did not want any unannounced visitors especially as I had had her over for dinner the night before and had planned to see her the following day.

She said that she found me perplexing that she stayed with me for a week and then announced she would stay another week that my face showed that I wasn't keen. I said that I agree I am perplexing and do not enjoy unannounced visits or any breaching of my own boundaries. I said - I have bitten off more than I can chew - she said how dare you put it on me. I said - no - more than I can chew with regard to intimacy.

She said I send very mixed signals and made her very welcome the first week but my face showed that her time was up. I explained that my kids and I had really, really tried to be good hosts and had adjusted to her schedule, going to bed 3 or 4 hours earlier than we would have and not complaining when she got us up at 6. Although we had found it super hard to adjust ourselves around someone's else's schedule and give up our TV and living room we felt we could not do another week.

I said that with the aid of Harry Hindsight we should have put her in one of my DCs rooms in order to carry on our lives.

I feel dreadful. I think my problem is that I had 3 years of psychotherapy and I stopped it abruptly when I realised that I would have to confront and deconstruct my parents when I genuinely feel great compassion for what they themselves went through.

I feel that I cannot admit to her the extent of the problems and keep my relationship with my parents too.

'I have vivid memories of my parents sitting me down at about 8 or 9 to get me to "analyse" where they could possibly have gone wrong with her. Of course, I said it's not you, it's her - I had to.'

They got the family to gang up on her.

Being the golden child is just as hazardous to your emotional health as being the scapegoat. It's the flip side of the same coin. Parents who do this to their children mistreat both, one openly and with obvious hostility, one in more oblique and hidden ways. In neither case are you valued or appreciated for yourself; you are playing out whatever script the parents have in their own heads instead.

mathanxiety - I know. I feel bad about my part in all this. You seem well informed - where are you in your family dynamic.

Trying to figure out where I was going wrong with exH took me through library loads of books, Whatever. My own family were odd on the surface in their own hippy, lentil weaving way; exH's family was the epitomy of 'normal' on the outside but roiling underneath.

Been following this thread with interest.

Marsha Linehan (who has a BPD) did some great work in developing Dialectical Behaviour Therapy. Gave a lot of hope for the successful treatment of borderlines.

Also just wanted to say, OP, your feelings about your sister are completely normal. Borderlines are notoriously difficult to manage, it's easy to feel frustrated/scared/angry around them esp when all you're doing is trying to help!
I'm an RMN and have nursed some severe cases, I find remembering that they really cannot help the way they behave very helpful.

Fabby - i recommend joining a volunteer group of some kind - eg helping at an animal shelter or day centre for. You may find friends in the volunteers who are caring & trustworthy.
Caring for the elderly & rescue animals is rewarding - i find it stops me being self-absorbed. When i was depressed one day my mum came round - in agony with back pain.
So i had to get up & help her which meant i forgot about my bad feelings because i was too busy worrying about mum.
Recently a friend made me get up & go out with her. She was desperate for relationship advice.
It's good to be needed - i have a reason to exist & it makes me focus on others.
So i enjoy being an HCA, but i find it hard to concentrate on tasks & get distracted easily.
I can get paranoid as i'm sensitive over my colleagues' frustration with me - i now realise that can trigger my depression & self-harm so i try to not worry about what others may think - very difficult!
With anger i now have ways to cope: lots of exercise - gym, gardening, & boxing.
My sister & mum visited tonight, my sister said she doesn't deliberately provoke me. We started to argue about it so i used my therapy skills & said calmly, 'well let's not argue', & changed the subject.
So we didn't row & i wasn't 'the bad sister' again!
My nhs psychologist said the CMHT want to help me as i 'have a good attitude' to learning, to wanting to get better (although sadly she thinks i only have a medium chance of that), am polite & keep appointments.
My main problem now is DSH - it's a habit which i hate but it's hard to stop.
The diagnosis is horrible but my friends & family now understand my behaviour better - & so do I which will help me improve.

dittany: Borderline personality disorder. It is about that person. You can't change the circumstances of 'their' life, you try and change how they deal with it.

Dittany I think it's because it is they who carry so much damage they can't live normal lives anymore, (without intervention/help) regardless of how, or who, did this to them.

My friend's background was garunteed to damage anyone, but others survive such damage all be with issues, while she's been rendered beyond coping with daily life by it.