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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think this was not an ok thing to say to a child?

125 replies

winnybella · 05/09/2011 17:29

Just a little rant, sorry. Quick background: separated from EA and on a couple of occasions violent ex few years ago, we have a DS (9), we split care 50/50 as we live very close to each other and he's a decent father. I have since met DP and we have DD(2).

So, picked up DS from school today. He said that he mentioned to his father that we (i.e. DS, DP, DD and I) might go to my mum's country house for Christmas and that we might take a horsecart across the lake there (probably not, it was just someone said and DS heard, the lake does freeze and ice is very thick as temp regularly 20 degrees below zero there, but still wouldn't risk it).

Ex said to him ' If anything happened to you, I would kill your mother and her DP, strangle her DD and then kill myself'.

Now, I see that he would feel the urge to murder me should I cause harm to DS because of my stupidity, but surely it's not something you say to a child? I said to DS' Oh, he was just joking', and he said ' No, he was serious'.

I don't know, maybe it's not a big deal, but I try to be civil all the time for the DS's sake and every month or so something comes up that makes me question his sanity.

I mean, 'Strangle DD'???WTF? How does that even cross your lips?

OP posts:
G1nger · 05/09/2011 17:31

Time to talk to a solicitor/police, love.

wishiwasholdingaachinegun · 05/09/2011 17:32

Ooooooooo, weird!

I don't have any advice to offer but that is definately very, very strange.

Think you'll need to talk to him about it.

x

StrandedBear · 05/09/2011 17:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

RandomMess · 05/09/2011 17:34

Yes solicitors letter and report to the police. What else is he saying to your ds!?

RCToday · 05/09/2011 17:34

OMG

I would take my kids to the other side of the world

Cocoflower · 05/09/2011 17:37

Serious red flags. Stop contact NOW and get a solicitor

Original poster
winnybella · 05/09/2011 17:37

Oh, Jesus. I was hoping people would say "Oh, he just got scared that you would risk DS's life like that, it was only a figure of speech etc etc'.

Damn him. I fucking hate him, I really do.

It wasn't a threat per se, though, how can I go to the police with it?

OP posts:
Original poster
winnybella · 05/09/2011 17:38

DS spends a week with me, week with his father and has done so for the last 5 years. Just stopping contact like that?

OP posts:
RandomMess · 05/09/2011 17:38

errr it's a threat in my book.

RandomMess · 05/09/2011 17:39

I would write a letter to his solicitor if he has one, see if you get a response?

G1nger · 05/09/2011 17:39

Um... I went to the police recently when I received a stalker letter. I told them that it involved no threats to me, but that I felt threatened. The policeman told me that they took it seriously because I did. It certainly can't hurt to speak to them.

Cocoflower · 05/09/2011 17:40

I would- he is emotionally abusing a child saying such awful things and this comment quite clearly shows he thinking some very disturbing and abnormal things.

I would feel very sick.

Not sure about the police but I would seek solictior advice to maybe get supervised contact where what he says is montiored (if the courts care that is)

Tee2072 · 05/09/2011 17:40

I would at least speak to a solicitor because at the moment it is just what your DS is saying your Ex said. I am not saying what he said was right, it wasn't, it was very very wrong, or that your DS made it up, but I am not 100% sure it's police matter either.

Although you could ring the non-emergency number and ask them, if you thought they should know.

I do agree it was a totally horrible thing to say, though.

SmethwickBelle · 05/09/2011 17:41

You say he was violent on occasion before you separated? In which case that is especially sinister - I'd talk to the police about it.

Cocoflower · 05/09/2011 17:42

I suppose speaking to police is good idea atcually becuase at least there is an offical record

I would say for your dc wellbeing this has to treated seriously

Original poster
winnybella · 05/09/2011 17:44

I think he meant it that if I took DS on a horsecart ride across the lake and something happened to him, then he would do it iyswim.

Not that he's coming here tomorrow to murder us.

He doesn't have a solicitor and we agreed everything re: split care between us.

I remember few years ago when I just started going out with DP, he said that if DS will see me with DP, he will kill me. He said it in front of DS. On his birthday, after guests have left. He was holding his heavy camera as if to hit me. We were already separated and DS met DP, but DP didn't visit or stay overnight while DS was here.

He is a good father to him, though and DS loves him very much. Most of the time we are civil to each other. Even today we were chatting on the phone about things we need to buy for DS's school and that maybe we would even go together tomorrow to buy jacket, shoes etc.

OP posts:
Inertia · 05/09/2011 17:45

Sorry Winnybella, I'm another one that thinks you should go to the police. It's not a figure of speech, and you know first hand that he is capable of violence. There have been too many desperately sad cases where something similar to this had happened.

Taking a horsecart across a lake would obviously be stupid and dangerous. The sane response would be " son, that sounds incredibly dangerous, I will speak to your mother to ensure you are not put in any danger". Your ex 's comment is a threat and needs to be taken seriously.

TheOriginalFAB · 05/09/2011 17:45

The fact your son was bothered enough to tell you, ie remember and repeat it, tells me you need advice about what to do now.

amistillsexy · 05/09/2011 17:46

I would call it a threat...anything might happen to your DS whilst in your care, it wouldn't necessarily need to be a horse and carriage trip across a frozen lake!
How would ExP react if (God Forbid) you had a car accident and Ds was injured or killed? Would that qualify for the 'mass murder' treatment?

Look at the evidence coming out in the Raoul Moat case-he 'warned' his girlfriend what he would do...then he did it. Sad

I think you need to talk to a solicitor just to get this on record. The solicitor will know if the police will want to know. Saying that sort of thing to a child is NOT normal!

Original poster
winnybella · 05/09/2011 17:48

Shall I send him an email asking him whether he really said it? If he did he very well may own up to it. That way I would have some proof? What do you think?

DS wouldn't make it up and it sounds very much like ex.

OP posts:
Lulumama · 05/09/2011 17:48

he's not a good father if he can even articulate to his child, thoughts of murder and strangulation ..

you MUST speak to the police, seek legal advice. it is absolutely imperative that this threat is recorded

it's not a joke or anything to take lightly.

in conjunction with the threat over DS seeing you with DP, it sets a (small) but imo dangerous precedent

Inertia · 05/09/2011 17:48

Cross-posted - just because sometimes he says things that are not threats to kill you, that doesn't mean he's safe.

Lulumama · 05/09/2011 17:49

I wouldn't ask him, don't even give him an inkling oyu know before seeking advice

Original poster
winnybella · 05/09/2011 17:50

My heart is racing. I thought when I left it would be all over.

He's a 'normal' guy, fashion photographer, slightly built, not some burly criminal. Not that it matters, I know. Argh.

OP posts:
Huffythetantrumslayer · 05/09/2011 17:51

I don't know what to suggest but I dont think a 'good father' would ever say something like this to your ds. If he's got form for ea then this is just another thing to add to it. How can someone say something like that to a child?