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AIBU?

to think this was not an ok thing to say to a child?

125 replies

winnybella · 05/09/2011 17:29

Just a little rant, sorry. Quick background: separated from EA and on a couple of occasions violent ex few years ago, we have a DS (9), we split care 50/50 as we live very close to each other and he's a decent father. I have since met DP and we have DD(2).

So, picked up DS from school today. He said that he mentioned to his father that we (i.e. DS, DP, DD and I) might go to my mum's country house for Christmas and that we might take a horsecart across the lake there (probably not, it was just someone said and DS heard, the lake does freeze and ice is very thick as temp regularly 20 degrees below zero there, but still wouldn't risk it).

Ex said to him ' If anything happened to you, I would kill your mother and her DP, strangle her DD and then kill myself'.

Now, I see that he would feel the urge to murder me should I cause harm to DS because of my stupidity, but surely it's not something you say to a child? I said to DS' Oh, he was just joking', and he said ' No, he was serious'.

I don't know, maybe it's not a big deal, but I try to be civil all the time for the DS's sake and every month or so something comes up that makes me question his sanity.

I mean, 'Strangle DD'???WTF? How does that even cross your lips?

OP posts:

Report

Cocoflower · 05/09/2011 17:52

Maybe the email thing is not a bad idea- at least then if he admits it you have it in concrete evidence.

Inertia · 05/09/2011 17:52

And I would be incredibly worried about threats he might make towards DS , either in response to any perceived wrongdoing or as a way of punishing you.

You really do need the help of the experts here.

sue52 · 05/09/2011 17:52

He has been abusive to you and used threatening language to his 9 year old son. I would seek legal advice now.

Birdsgottafly · 05/09/2011 17:53

Can you speak to your ex about it?

That depends on what he is like now, if you are going clothes shopping together could you mention that DS was worried by what he said.

It depends on what you decide to do next. You have to decide if he will continue this EA on to your DS and what you are prepared to do about it.
You can have it put 'on record' with a solicitor whilst you decide.

Lulumama · 05/09/2011 17:53

emailing him gives him a reason to be angry with you , with DS for repeating it and potentially opening up another can of worms, how about calling NSPCC for some advice?

winnybella · 05/09/2011 17:53

I haven't got a solicitor, would need to find one. Thank you all very much, I will wait for DP to come home and will discuss it with him as well.

I would appreciate more votes for/against sending the email.

Have to go and make dinner, I'll be back later.

OP posts:

kelly2000 · 05/09/2011 17:54

I would send him an an email asking him about it, and also speak to the police and your solicitor, and if he has made threats to you before either in front of DS or not then he is not a good father. Good fathers do not threaten to hurt the mother of their child, kill the mother of their child, and kill little girls in revenge, bad fathers do. And by acting like that in front of DS he is saying that that is an acceptable way to behave.

SnapesOnAPlane · 05/09/2011 17:56

He sounds like a bloody lunatic, he'll kill you if x happens, he'll kill you if x happens, he'll kill a 2 YO baby if x happens.
Fuck me sideways, of course these need to be reported to the police.

'but I try to be civil all the time for the DS's sake and every month or so something comes up that makes me question his sanity.' I think you might be right to doubt it, he doesn't sound mentally healthy. Perhaps those should be mentioned to the police as well?
I hope both you and your DS are alright x

Cocoflower · 05/09/2011 17:56

I wonder do you have something like MSN messenger or skype?

Maybe building up to question might work better? (But make sure you keep a record for evidence)

I certainly would not go shopping with him tommorrow!

birdsofshoreandsea · 05/09/2011 17:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

sue52 · 05/09/2011 17:58

I'm not sure about sending the email. Your ex does not sound like a man who can be rational. If you don't have a solicitor could you speak to the police instead?

G1nger · 05/09/2011 17:58

I am 100% against you making any further form of contact with this nutcase other than through official channels.

SarkySpanner · 05/09/2011 18:00

Your poor Ds

Don't send a "did you say this" email. That implies you don't completely believe your son.

This is likely the tip of the iceberg in terms of what your son has heard from him

You need to contact either a solicitor or the police. No question.

Cocoflower · 05/09/2011 18:02

The thing is with no evidence he said it it will just be dismissed

All he needs to do is say "nah, rubbish never said it". Then what?

Inertia · 05/09/2011 18:02

Honestly, I would seek advice before you contact him. Can you use the non-emergency police number and ask to speak with the domestic violence unit? Women's Aid ?

I really don't think you can have a reasonable conversation with a man who tells a young child of his plans to kill a baby and the child's own mother.

RitaMorgan · 05/09/2011 18:06

It is a threat, it's an incredibly inappropriate thing to say to a child, and honestly it would make me question his mental health.

I would contact the police, and I would contact social services too in a "how can I keep my child safe" way.

MrsBradleyCooper · 05/09/2011 18:06

Not sure I'd bother with the email, though if his response is aggressive, it may be good evidence against him.

I have been threatened by an ex girlfriend of DH - it was nothing like what you have been subject to, but it left me shaken nonetheless.

I went to the police and they went round to "have a chat"

If he's exhibited similar behaviour in the past, then it's unlikely that your DS has made it up or got the wrong end of the stick.

What worries me is when you see these stories in the news where parents have flipped and killed their wife/children. There is always someone saying - "they seemed like such a nice person, great father etc"..........

LynetteScavo · 05/09/2011 18:07

I definately wouldn't email him.

I would want to talk face to face, and tell him how inappropriate what he said was, and how it's upset your DS.

Personally I wouldn't be involving the police or a solicitor, but obviously I'm in a minority.

MrsBradleyCooper · 05/09/2011 18:08

I'd also be extremely worried about what other inappropriate things he may be saying to your ds.

mummymccar · 05/09/2011 18:08

I'm with G1nger - don't have any more contact with him. You need to take this to the police first, then a solicitor. Regardless of how you feel about the threat towards you and DP he has threatened the life of a child in such a way that your son has deemed it serious enough to tell you about it. With his history of abusive behaviour I would be stopping contact with your DS and reporting this.

MusieB · 05/09/2011 18:09

I think this was a really really stupid and inappropriate thing to say to a 9 year old child. But it does not sound as though OP is actually concerned for the physical safety of her family and if that's the case I think going to a solicitor or the police would be an overreaction and potentially lead to all sorts of unneccessary trouble and pain for all concerned. OP - are you worried that your ex will harm you or your children? Only you can know the answer to that one.

My DH takes much greater risks with our DD's physical safety than I would (from swinging her massively high on rope swings hanging from trees to schussing black ski runs) - but he's her parent too and its not solely up to me to decide what's OK. I do regularly threaten him with dire physical consequences should anything happen to her when doing these things - mainly as an indication that I think he's taking it too far and should reconsider. Maybe your ex is doing the same?

zukiecat · 05/09/2011 18:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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Talker2010 · 05/09/2011 18:13

LynetteScavo ... I am with you ... I would want to talk to him about this ... since the OP talked through the joint care etc with him he seems to be capable of reasonable conversation

I think it was totally inappropriate to say this to the child but I do not see it as a police issue

gapants · 05/09/2011 18:18

op i think that given things thus far have been good between you, you should do the following.

tomorrow morning, make a list of calls you need to make- SS, Womens Aid and NSPCC. Then call him and say, I need to give you a heads up on this as I we have always made things work for the DC. However you said something awful yesterday and I need to follow that up, and this is what I am going to do (then tell him). I know you will be angry and upset about this, but given our background I have no choice. I will be in touch when I know more. Then hang up.

TheOriginalFAB · 05/09/2011 18:23

Don't send the email.

Write down exactly what your son said his dad said and when.

Keep records of everything since you question his sanity.

Speak to the non emergency police line.

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