to be offended by wedding lists?

[chandellina]

It's one thing if you are truly setting up home for the first time as a young couple. Quite different IMO if you have owned a home and lived together for the past 10 years and now want a bunch of new things courtesy of a John Lewis gift list.

AIBU to resent my friends asking me to buy them new saucepans, duvet covers and towels? And why do we tolerate these lists, yet balk at the idea of baby showers, which actually serve a useful purpose?

mammamic - you are talking about a traditional wedding list to help get a couple started in life, which is not what I am disputing. I am questioning people who already have a well-appointed home asking for even more nice stuff.

It's not that I can't afford a gift, it's the blandness of the list and the expectation I should follow it that has annoyed me, so I feel like I am on some sort of conveyor belt of wedding - guest - meaningless gift - neutral middle class home.

Still no one has answered - how much is the right amount in vouchers for a couple attending an evening reception of friends but not extremely dear friends?!

I would probably give £30 or £40.

Well in the UK, people do find the giving out of a wedding list with the actual invite offensive. The spirit of holding a party or a wedding (or any other event) is to give and you may hope to receive things back, but you don't ask for them, hence the wedding list is available for people to view but they ask for it.

They could always ignore the list.

Yeah right.

In the same way that people are at liberty to refuse an invite but do have to go really owing to all kinds of emotional blackmail from friends and family. Yes, you can refuse but not really.

I haven't read the whole thread but I think gift lists are fine as long as there is a sensible spread of differently priced items. They only irritate me when everything on the list is mad money that no-one can seriously expect someone to spend, especially on top of hotels, travel to the venue etc. etc.

What is this emotional blackmail that is so difficult to resist?

I don't find it hard to decline invitations even by close family if it's not convenient or I don't like the people inviting me.

I haven't ever refused an invitation to family weddings or christenings because the occasions are important and I get on with my family. But if I didn't, I wouldn't go because the gesture would be meaningless and the day would be marred.

I don't attend Christmas gatherings with them because they're not convenient for me. I haven't noticed any offence, but if I did cause it, I wouldn't care.

I also declined to be an elderly bridesmaid at my even more elderly SIL's wedding blessing despite her attempts at emotional blackmail. It probably upset her fantasy but I won't make myself look ridiculous for anyone. I did go along though and bought her a nice present. We had a nice time and I think I did us all a favour.

If I can't make a friend's wedding I explain in good time that I can't make it and I expect them to accept my decision and good wishes. Sometimes, but not always, I have even splashed out on a present.

I'm also aware when people are asking me just because it looks right. I always decline in those cases and again, I think I'm doing them a favour. But I wish they'd do me the favour of being brave enough to avoid making empty gestures for appearance sake in the first place.

I'm gobsmacked that it's considered rude to put the list in with the invite.. Is this an older person thing? (No insult intended). I've never found it rude and I've been to 4 weddings this year alone who have all done it. It makes it so much easier which is why we did it.

"you are talking about a traditional wedding list to help get a couple started in life, which is not what I am disputing. I am questioning people who already have a well-appointed home asking for even more nice stuff."

We've been together for 12 years and have been living together for 4 years but we're not getting married "old" (we're 30). The stuff we own is cheapy ikea/tesco tat etc.. this is fine, and obviously we're not getting married for the presents, but why is someone a couple of years younger NOT rude to do a gift list then? When is the cut off? Confused.

thats a rather arrogant viewpoint...the "well I don't mind you giving me a list if you fit my narrow criteria of when this is acceptable, if I deem your age/length of relationship/quality of china you already have to be within my rules"

Give a gift, don't, go to the wedding, don't...nobody cares. All of this offence and judging over a very long established and normal tradition, whats the jeffing point?

SnakeOnCrack I think the difference between a couple starting in life and your situation is that the couple starting out will be looking for the cheapy ikea and tesco tat (after 20 years of marriage ours is still going strong). Possibly it is the old curmudgeon in me which says why the hell should I pay for someone else's upgrade when I wont get one of my own as we married early rather than late.

Certainly when I was younger the emotional blackmail to attend cousins' weddings (down to my mother accepting on my behalf leaving me with the option of attending or thinking of a lame excuse) was massive. Now that we are older most of the wedding invites are for second time at the moment. These seem on the whole to come with less emotional blackmail.

Of course onse the various DCs start marrying then the whole wretched cycle will start again.

Can you tell I dont like weddings?

At what age is someone "starting in life" though? It's all utterly ridiculous (and as I say, I couldn't care less if people didn't buy presents, but it's the done thing to give something at a wedding and a list makes it all easier).

snakeoncrack and siamo - i don't know, you both may well be right that I and others are too rigid in our thinking about it. as this thread shows, everyone has different prejudices toward different scenarios!

i'm sure i have some latent resentment that no one got me presents when i got married (there was no reception) and that I'm still "making do" with a hodge podge of kitchenware from pound shops, Ikea, etc.

I don't mind wedding lists, what I do object to is people asking for money instead of a present, it just seems begging to me.

I got hardly any presents as I got married abroad, invited few people and told them not to buy presents because they were paying for travel and accommodation.
I don't resent buying people gifts if that's what they've asked for. There's a lot of conditional giving going on in this thread. It's a bit mean really.

SiamoFottuti has it I think: "Give a gift, don't, go to the wedding, don't...nobody cares. All of this offence and judging over a very long established and normal tradition, whats the jeffing point?"

For me 'starting in life' is leaving the parental home or any kind of shared type accomodation. Basically anywhere where the B&G couldnt be assumed to have accumulated the normal domestic stuff or the wherewithal to be able to sort themselves out without bankrupting themselves.

Our wedding presents included things like

• our bed (from DGM now long departed)
• an ironing board

Perhaps it is envy on my part that I resent buying luxury goods/paying for holidays for people who can well afford them themselves. It isnt about the money, I would gladly buy a whole herd of Oxfam goats to commemorate the day.

Yeah, very few people get married as soon as they move out of their parents' house though these days.. oh well! C'est la vie.

Ah, Chandellina let it go.

I have a horrible dish bought by my former workmates from an artisan potter near the office which is covered in a wishy-washy pink design of roses and has a seemingly-vulnerable scalloped edge that hasn't chipped in 19 years though I've smashed countless nicer things.

It is the cockroach of the pottery world.

It is twee and useless and a bitch to clean because it's unglazed. It holds safety pins, buttons and a paint chart - all things that should go in the bin along with the dish.

But I'm not heartless enough to smash it and probably the bloody thing will be used to hold my ashes.

Marriage is rarely either 'starting in life' or 'making a new start' these days. It's not just about age but the fact that marriage these days usually takes place a good few years into a marriage-like relationship, rather than marking the beginning (and often takes place after other important events such as buying a house and having children). Nothing wrong with that of course - but it's hard to claim it's a new start in any way. Marriage now is more of a celebration of an established relationship.

Not that it really affects whether a particular couple 'deserve' presents - if you're even thinking like that, it indicates you probably don't like them very much and resent having to be involved at all!

The more I think about it though, the more I'd personally just like to say 'no presents'. I would honestly not know what to put on a list, and I don't want people just buying stuff for the sake of it, or giving us replacements for things we have adequate versions of already - that seems so wasteful (I'm quite happy with my 'hodgepodge' of cheap and random kitchenware and hate throwing out anything that is functional). Would anyone be offended by a request for no gifts? Or by us mentioning a charity people could donate to if they wanted to do something?

limited - that's really funny because I've just had to convince DH not to pay £80 for an artisan-made ceramic fruit bowl that to me looks very taste-specific and not terribly attractive. Funnily he is now balking at vouchers or the list and wants to give cash. Fine with me - who doesn't like cash? My only worry is it looks like we were too thoughtless to even bother to get online and look at their list - little do they know all the thought i've put into this bloody gift!

I did snake because my parents made life extremely comfortable for me and it was handy for work and just made sense rather than being lonely and poor. Plus, I got on better with them than any so-called friends or boyfriends and they didn't interfere. Great parents. I'll aways love them.

It's interesting and sad that with the cost of borrowing and rents lots of young people may well be again living with their parents until they can buy somewhere with a spouse or trusted friends.

But I agree with your general point. If people get married and I'm happy for them I'll attend and give them a present regardless of their age or accumulated white goods.

But is the ceramic fruit bowl on the list and is £80 okay with you?

If yes to both, I'd go for it. You can't legislate for people's appalling taste

If not, you're right. Cash works for most people though vouchers are a little more genteel.

no the bowl is totally off-list and just something DH happened to see when we went an open studio thing recently. it's quite large and if it weren't to their taste i don't know what the heck they'd do with it. I wouldn't want it myself!

never did one, think bad manners and greedy tbh. we invited our relatives and friends to our wedding to celebrate with us not to give us stuff.

my mum and mil were furious and couldnt understand this at all

however everyone did come,, with gifts of course!!!

I'm genuinely surprised that people find wedding lists "bad manners and greedy".

When I go to somebody's wedding I buy a gift. Even if they say 'no gifts' I still buy a gift. It's what you do, they're buying me dinner, after all

I'm really busy so if I know I'm buying them something they like and it's not a big drama then I'm a happy camper. I'm a wedding list fan.

If it's a close friend/family member I often buy something from the list and something more personal to go with it. Nothing explodes if you don't buy from the list, you can ignore it and buy something destined for the back of a cupboard else ;)