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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be offended by wedding lists?

288 replies

chandellina · 30/08/2011 15:55

It's one thing if you are truly setting up home for the first time as a young couple. Quite different IMO if you have owned a home and lived together for the past 10 years and now want a bunch of new things courtesy of a John Lewis gift list.

AIBU to resent my friends asking me to buy them new saucepans, duvet covers and towels? And why do we tolerate these lists, yet balk at the idea of baby showers, which actually serve a useful purpose?

OP posts:

sherbetpips · 01/09/2011 22:15

Love a wedding list - so much easier. Never buy a gift when it's evening only and we only go to the full do of close family and friends so I am more than happy to buy a useful gift. Don't go uo the weddings where I am there to make up the numbers and barely know the happy couple . Hating the trend for second marrieds though who want 'contributions to the honeymoon' oh great, now you will know I am a tight arse.....

Hippee · 01/09/2011 22:22

We went to a wedding where the wedding list was for a dining service "for when we invite our friends to dinner" - the cheapest thing was a glass for over £50. If I ever get invited I'll be taking my own crockery - I'd be terrified of breaking anything!

Takver · 01/09/2011 22:23

All I can suggest is that the people who object to wedding lists try to get married and not have one.

We said to our elderly relatives & others 'we don't want any presents, thank you very much, we have plenty of stuff'

Then we said to them 'well, if you really insist, you could either donate some money to charity, or if you have the space plant a tree for us'

Then we caved in and wrote a list

(and even then it was the wrong sort of list because it didn't include any fancy china, nor anything from John Lewis).

jcp123 · 01/09/2011 22:28

Even though we felt uncomfortable about it, we decided to have a list for our wedding simply to assist any guests in choosing a gift. The tone of our invite indicated that a gift was not expected. We've been lucky enough to attend 7 weddings over the past year and find it much easier when couples have a list as I know that they are getting something they really want. I do, however, also like to supplement these gifts with a bottle of champers to help toast the happy couple!

GnomeDePlume · 01/09/2011 23:38

I seem to be worrying about this far too much!

What I see is sad is when people who are invited to weddings are relative strangers (relatives and strangers in my family's case).

This is where the problem with gifts occurs. The wedding is too large. The guests dont really know the bride and groom. They knew them 10 years ago. They are 'family friends' (often friends of parents or friends from when B&G were students). Of course they have no idea what the bride and groom actually need (or want).

The list solves the immediate problem but IMO the real problem is that the guest list is out of control. People are being invited who are essentially unknown to the B&G (certainly the case in my family).

TillyIpswitch · 02/09/2011 01:15

I'm totally with Wamster. The list itself isn't the problem, it's just including it in with the invitation.

It's nothing to do with the circles you move in, either. I was just brought up to always take something to give your host and to never, but never ask for a present.

Wrap it up () however you want, even with Debretts' approval, including a list in with the invitation is asking for a present. I guess if you don't have a problem with this, i.e. asking for a present, then of course you won't think it's an issue.

I suppose by the same token, you could say why bother adding 'please' onto a sentence when you ask someone for something, or 'thank you' when they give you something? Why waste your breath; you don't need to say the words to receive or give? You don't need to hold the door open for the person behind you - if they're able-bodied, they're perfectly capable of opening it themselves, and you can save valuable milli-seconds by walking through and continuing straight on your way.

I'm being facetious, but making a point at the same time. Yes, it's a social dance that maybe adds time and effort (and I know, making a phone call to enquire after a gift list when we all have mobile phones attached to our person 24/7 is so very inconvenient ), but manners were invented for a reason.

PinkFondantFancy · 02/09/2011 06:59

I think if you say 'no gifts' and you really mean it, then you have to give people an alternative otherwise they will bring gifts, just random ones. A colleague of mine was adamant that she didn't want gifts, and instead set up a Just Giving account for a couple of her favourite charities so that people who wanted to celebrate the wedding with a gift could give a donation instead. I thought it was a really nice idea.

blueskydrinking · 02/09/2011 08:09

Oh I'm drawn into this now.

So it's OK to HAVE a wedding list, but not to include it in the invitations.

Which does make sense from a manners perspective.

But then how do I know about the existence of said list... can they hint at it in the invite? Or do I ring and enquire, therefore becoming the nosy and potentially judgemental guest for the couple we only sort of know who haven't done one because they heard it was rude?

tyler80 · 02/09/2011 08:20

I think it's just a rude to take a gift to a wedding where the invitation explicitly states "no gifts"

vezzie · 02/09/2011 08:39

Can't bear the idea that a gift should match the cost of a guest at a wedding. Ugh. The gift is to celebrate the marriage, give the couple something they need or want and to show you wish them well. The wedding reception is to celebrate the marriage and share the day with family and friends. Making some attempt to match them numerically is so sordid, people can afford - and are inclined to - different things. An expensive wedding should not be expected to garner more expensive gifts, it should be expensive only because the couple or their families have money to spare and feel like a grand party. A loaded, well-wishing guest to a cheap wedding is of course absolutely free to buy the most expensive gift that they feel the couple will love. Managing this on any other than personal budgets and desires is just revolting. If I suddenly found I could afford a £40 000 wedding, that's just my crazy personal idea of a glorious day, not a bill to each of my 100 guests for a £400 wedding present.

Wamster · 02/09/2011 08:41

A lot of people manage to have weddings without a list. I did. It astounds me, to be totally frank, that people think it is acceptable to put the list in with the invite- it should be something that the guest asks to view of their own accord. Seriously, I think it is beyond rude.
I've had this done twice to me in the same year- I cannot look at the two couples involved now without thinking 'cheeky buggers'. I just can't.

Totally insensitive, crass and vulgar.

vezzie · 02/09/2011 08:42

And this is why TillyIpswich is completely right - the invitation to the wedding and the present the guest might choose to give should be completely separate. If you feel you can't go to a wedding without giving a gift, well fine (so do I of course) but the wedding invitation should never imply this.

Wamster · 02/09/2011 08:42

Such a contrast to a wedding I went to last year, where there was not even a list; just a simple invite.

TillyIpswitch · 02/09/2011 08:49

A good friend of mine got married recently (well, a year ago now) - no list. We caught up not long after I received the invitation and I asked whether she had a gift list and where was it - we weren't going to be able to make the wedding as it was abroad and days after DD was due, but she's an old friend and I wanted to get them something.

She waved me away and said no, there's no list. So, I bought something and popped it in the post to her. I wanted to give her something regardless, and it's honestly so much nicer giving when there's no expectation from the receiver.

Joolyjoolyjoo · 02/09/2011 08:51

Gah- I really can't understand why people get so huffy about wedding lists!! noone is saying that you MUST buy something off the list.

I HATE being invited to a wedding where there isn't a list with the invite. Means I have to phone the bride/ groom/ bride's parents (who I rarely know) and ask, and it all feels horribly awkward. If there is no list I just give cash, but I far prefer a list. In with the invite. Preferably one that I can buy from online.

We had a list. Some people ignored it, which was fine. Some people liked it. the things we got we use all the time, and I still remember who bought things when I use them- I like that.

All you people who hate lists must really love (and have time to!) go out shopping for hours to choose a thoughtful and useful present for the B+G, based on your extensive knowledge of their taste and decor. I'm crap at all that, and haven't the time or patience- give me a list every time.

vezzie · 02/09/2011 08:56

In the past, people of the older generation especially would have regarded a wedding as the opportunity to give a really significant material leg up to a young couple. Things like linen and crockery were relatively much more expensive and it was an important way to transfer wealth downwards through the generations. Now that you can always pick up 4 mugs and a coupe of towels from tesco, and now that we should be more enlightened than to regard a person as adult only when they are married, I think we should abandon wedding gifts and replace them with a tradition of massive 21st birthday presents from all and sundry. [not entirely serious but a bit]

blueskydrinking · 02/09/2011 09:03

Really interesting.

Can I venture to those who are offended/cannot now see the couple in question without thinking about it, that some of us appreciate a wedding list; and that while it's evidently not your cup of tea, it's not representative of self-indulgence and greediness in the poor buggers who've invited you.

I'm capable of managing my own budget or going off-list if there's something specific I've got in mind for the couple.

Funnily enough, I find the money-for-honeymoon requests a little awkward for reasons I can't quite put my finger on but I can't say I've ever chosen to be offended by it.

Wamster · 02/09/2011 09:06

I think some people's views of weddings here are a bit naive. Not everybody likes weddings. There may be lots of reasons for this (too many to list here).
Getting an invite does not elicit a 'Great!' response in everybody. More a case of 'Shit. Oh well, got to go else the whole family will be offended and family politics shot to bits' and then you see that the 'happy couple' have so very, very thoughtfully decided to have the wedding in Scotland when they and their families are from the South East of England, and then, to top it all - a wedding list, telling you that in order to attend their 'big day' you must buy something off of it.

Next bugger to do this to me gets a set of spoons and I ain't talking about the ones made out of silver.

Wamster · 02/09/2011 09:08

It is representative of people who are spoiled, insensitive, and have not been taught to think of others.

blueskydrinking · 02/09/2011 09:13

No, it's not.

SiamoFottuti · 02/09/2011 09:25

How fucking miserable. "Would you like to celebrate our wedding with us?" "No, I fucking hate you and your wedding, but I'll come anyway because I'm spineless. I'll bitch and moan to everyone about you and your wedding list as well".

I imagine no-one will be that bothered if you don't go. You don't sound like the life and soul, to be honest.

Katiepoes · 02/09/2011 09:27

Wamster I find your post offensive. I have been at many weddings with lists and not one of those couples were spolied, insensitive or 'taught not to thibnk of others'. I would rethink that horribly judgemental and inaccurate opinion.

elinorbellowed · 02/09/2011 09:29

I do think it's it's a little bit vulgar to include the list in the invitation. But the last two weddings I went to to did so and I was very very happy to give them both JL vouchers as I love the couples and hope they enjoyed them. And we got thank you cards and thoroughly enjoyed the weddings.
I will probably never get married but I am now debating it as I am salivating at the thought of JL casserole dishes and piles of beautiful towels. As for original art by my close friends. I am planning the wedding now.

Wamster · 02/09/2011 09:31

I think it is. Why? Spoiled because they think that because they are having a wedding they automatically get something for it. Weddings are not supposed to be about getting gifts from guests. Did nobody ever teach them that?

Insensitive and have not been taught to think of others because it never occurs to them that some of their guests may not be able to afford items on the list and I'm sorry, putting the list in with the invite does put pressure on the guest to buy off of it or else feel bad.

blueskydrinking · 02/09/2011 09:32

well said siamo.

It's one thing for find weddings difficult but it's another to judge the couple for putting you out.

It is representative of people who are spoiled, insensitive, and have not been taught to think of others.

Erm, kettle, pot, black.......

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