to be offended by wedding lists?

[chandellina]

It's one thing if you are truly setting up home for the first time as a young couple. Quite different IMO if you have owned a home and lived together for the past 10 years and now want a bunch of new things courtesy of a John Lewis gift list.

AIBU to resent my friends asking me to buy them new saucepans, duvet covers and towels? And why do we tolerate these lists, yet balk at the idea of baby showers, which actually serve a useful purpose?

Actually, scrub that, I don't want to insult any person who is a chav. They are worse than so-called chavs because they think that including a John Lewis list from the off is classy.

A list in itself is fine- but the guests ask to see it of their own free will and it is not imposed upon them- a key, but vital difference!

I don't get This kind of attitude - it's spiteful and nasty. Why are you so against getting something they need or even want? Very strange

Nobody is against getting the couple what they want at all, but it is just rude, plain rude to put list in with invite. It just is. There is not a manners guide in the UK that would disagree with me on this one!

A wedding list is fine. But there is no mention of actual gifts on invite or anything, just a contact number that the the guests can contact and upon contacting that number, they can ask if they wish about the wedding list.

The point is this: the guest asks it is not imposed upon them.

It is a social dance, but then so is a wedding so I see nothing at all wrong with this given the context of a wedding.

It's actually quite amusing how some people have got the time and inclination to get wound up about such a little thing. Some real resentment bubbling away here, how can you be bothered?

Thank you letters are a must though, and I'm not a fan of thank you letters in general.

People are resentful because it is a cheek. A flaming cheek. This is the sort of thing that gets people's backs-up. OK, most people can afford a set of spoons, I accept that; but what if they can't? You are making your guest feel like shit because they are nice people and feel that they are letting you down if they go off list.

Sorry, but I really think people who include a wedding list with the invite and don't leave it up to the guest to ask of their own accord (nothing wrong with a list in itself) are insensitive and vulgar.

Yet these are the sort of people who think eloping to Vegas is vulgar.

I would be a lot more pissed off if I had to scrabble around phoning people and the like to get hold of a list. FFS who in gods name has the time/inclination to do that?

Yes pommedechocolat , Hopefully most people who do receive details of a list with the invitation might be charitable enough to think the B&G are just being practical and straight-forward, even thoughtful ? We had another sheet with details of how to get to the venue etc. I think it is along those lines in many ways.

A five-minute phone call to make a few minutes small talk and ask that the wedding list be sent to you? Hardly the most arduous thing in the world.

Let me get this straight then - I can have a list but it has to be a scret unless someone clearly asks. On this list I may not ask for things I already have. I may not use John Lewis. A list if used must be for actual stuff not honeymoon outings. I may not expect a gift even though everyone gives gifts at weddings. I may categorically state that asking fro money is rude even though many many other cultures to which I am clearly insensitive consider this normal. Asking for donations to a charity is allowed (this is not expecting a gift bizarrely).

How do you people get through social occasions without having nervous breakdowns?

If it's practicality they're after, why not just pop down the register office in their jeans with two witnesses? It is not practical for most guests to attend in first place.

No Wamster - it's not practical therefore any attempt at making things simple should be appreciated. Your logic is a bit odd here.
If I have to organise clothes, travel and maybe somewhere to stay then no I don't want to have to phone people to decipher the bloody list code.
I would probably assume they didn't have a list actually and buy something they might not like/want therefore wasting my money.

I would ring the number and ask if the couple had any gifts in mind. If so, could I please be sent the list, if not, fine, I'd get them something of my own choosing. If it ends up in Oxfam, well at least it will be a charitable donation of sorts.

Debretts is probably the most well known etiquette guide there is.

On contributions to honeymoons it says:

As many couples have already set up home before they marry, the traditional wedding list often feels outdated. Asking for money or a contribution towards your honeymoon - sometimes called a 'honeypot' - is perfectly acceptable and many travel agents offer this facility. Remember, however, that you'll need to have sorted out your honeymoon when the invitations go out so that guests can see what they are contributing towards.

On wedding lists it says:

The circumstances and age of the bride and groom often influence the choice of wedding list and presents. A young couple setting up home will have different priorities to those of an older, established couple.

The wedding list must be set up before the invitations are sent out so that details can be included. There are numerous options on offer, from the traditional department store list to financial contributions to the honeymoon via a travel agency. Equally, some couples choose not to have a gift list or to make charitable donations instead.

Times change.

I think they're great. I set myself a budget and buy anything that goes near.
Put the list in the invitation too, then I can get in quick and get the widest choice (esp if online).
I've also happily brought cash, whether pounds or dollars, and bought 'experiences' for the honeymoon.
It's their wedding, it's not up to me to decide if something's 'tacky'. And FGS don't go off list unless you're absolutely bestest friends. Why buy something that won't get used and just collects dust?
Oh and the person that asked for food, that's not better than a traditional list, that's more of a hassle. You have to get it really close to the date in case it goes off. Not that I would have moaned. You asked for it, you'll get it. :)

Well if that is how times have changed, I think I prefer the good ol' days.

I totally agree, though, that if a list is asked for by the guest, they get what the couple ask for- if finances permit- even though it is against their own personal tastes.

Do you all attend weddings of people you hate then? Because everyone who came to my wedding was a dear friend or member of my huge family and if they'd wrapped up a mars bar I'd have loved it. The only check list we had was of who had sent what for the thank you letters. We didn't cross reference it with the guest list to see who hadn't stumped up. Sounds like some of you need some new friends if what they do winds you up so much and you feel so beholden to them.

And fwiw I didn't want a list at all, hated the idea. MIL insisted on one for her side and she dealt with it. it didn't go out with the invitations. But I've been to a lot more weddings since then so I might do it differently now.

I think maybe standards have slipped a bit in etiquette Wamster - probably encouraged by commercial pressures on us all eg. I think JL suggest sending out list slips with the invitations - and even provide them ?
But some people didn't let us know if they were coming or not (especially younger people) How rude and inconvenient is that ?!

I hate wedding lists, especially when the only thing you can afford on them is a teaspoon and you feel like a tight pauper, despite the fact you're generally spending hundreds of pounds to get to and stay at the wedding. It does generally seem like an opportunistic 'upgrade'; a friend of mine recently had a garage sale of all their pre-wedding pots and pans, dining sets etc: that really stuck in my craw.

For my wedding it'll be donations to charity in memory of my dad, that is far more meaningful to me than plates that match.

I'm not so sure about the whole 'living together already got everything' attitude. DH and I had been living together for 2.5 years when we got married but most things in our kitchen and bathroom were scrappy old things from our singleton days. It was nice to get 'proper' stuff. As I said above we also did lots of things for 14 month old dd.

Honeymoon fund isn't useful to everyone - not everyone goes on an expensive holiday after a wedding. Especially those who married when they already had a toddler!

GwedonlineMaryLacey, I don't think that people attend weddings of people they hate as such, but, truth be told, a lot of guests go out of a sense of obligation as much as anything else. Weddings are not everybody's cup of tea at all, but they go out of a sense of duty and perhaps emotional blackmail 'so-and-so will be ever so hurt if you don't go' etc.
The truth is, not everybody feels glee when receiving a wedding invite that they've got to attend (or risk peeing their entire family off) and to receive a bloody list on top of everything else (transport, accommodation, babysitters -the list goes on) is just the case of the straw breaking the camels back for a lot of people.

Why not simply have a list tucked away with an appointed person (contact number should say 'any queries about wedding, call so-and-so' but does not mention gifts) and leave it up to the guests to ask after it?

It's obviously rude not to reply to an invite. Nobody could disagree with that.

The last two weddings I went to I spent a lot (too much really, I now realise) on their asked-for-upfront gifts (Trailfinders and John Lewis) and didn't get a thank you from either. I am therefore bitter and twisted about the whole thing and think people who include wedding lists with invitations should be DRAGGED off to prison.

Also: if I ever get married, DP and I will have been living together for over 5 years probably, with two children and the most awful collection of barely serviceable household tat. It would be a small wedding and would not involve inviting or expecting gifts from all and sundry (certainly no gift list in the invitation), but just because I am not pretending to be a virgin with two daughters of my own on the guest list, WHY can't I have nice glasses and towels like I see in all my NCT friend's houses and make me ashamed of asking them back? (bleat).