to be offended by wedding lists?

[chandellina]

It's one thing if you are truly setting up home for the first time as a young couple. Quite different IMO if you have owned a home and lived together for the past 10 years and now want a bunch of new things courtesy of a John Lewis gift list.

AIBU to resent my friends asking me to buy them new saucepans, duvet covers and towels? And why do we tolerate these lists, yet balk at the idea of baby showers, which actually serve a useful purpose?

i'm still struggling with this. I think I agree with Debretts for the most part.
It just seems a bit grubby to expect gifts for any party, frankly. And what about single people living in a flat share, barely able to afford Primark towels who are then asked to stump up for J Lewis ones that cost 4x more, for their friends who already own a house and have perfectly fine towels? Maybe this particular gift lift irked me because DH and I have just bought our own home after 10 years of marriage and are economising on the furnishings - we would never consider the John Lewis prices we are being asked to pay for our friends' new stuff.

I tend to think the tradition has moved on with modern times and that people should stop asking for gifts entirely! (or for the honeymoon only - I still like that idea well enough since it's just a contribution and presumably they will have to pay in part themselves anyway for anything truly luxurious.)

Vezzie - I never thought I'd have a list either but I knew that family and friends would still all buy presents and would appreciate the ease of a list and the fact that then they'd know their money wasn't wasted on something we didn't use.

I cannot believe you didn't get thank you letters though - that is really rude.

Don't be ashamed of asking your friends back!!

Oh don't worry pommedechocolat - I do invite them back, I just sort of bluster through the cringeing (mine) while they drink out of chipped petrol station glasses from 1986 (almost) (anyone else remember those glasses from petrol stations?)

Vezzie - primark towels are actuall fantastic and cheap, and Argos does really cheap kitchenware!

My SIL had a wishing well complete with tacky lovely poem in the invite. I don't think anyone "got" it tbh I didn't notice anything in there.

We had no money so I gave her a DVD of images from the wedding day (I'm a photographer) and a nice album (ok so it was just one I had bought and not used but we really had no money!), oh, and photographed her dance reception too, which was at a later date.

No thank you was sent, or even conveyed by telephone.

The reason why John lewis is so popular is that they're one of the few department stores that still does wedding lists - most of the other companies went under during the crisis, at quite an alarming rate. B&Q does (but presumably you need to be wanting a bathroom, other DIY-y stuff) and argos does, but having experienced argos cutlery (lasted about two minutes), it's not necessarily the best quality.

I agree that whether or not to have a wedding list should not be dependent on couple's circumstances- weddings are supposed to be about a new start in life, aren't they? Whether or not been married before or living together shouldn't be relevant.

I'm not saying that wedding lists are a bad thing; just that they shouldn't be with invite -I know it's a bit of a game, but I really do think the guests should be the ones who ask for it and not have it imposed upon them IYSWIM.

this thread definitely shows you can't please everyone because I don't like the lists much but I'd rather have it included with the invite for ease! And I do think the circumstances of the couple matter!

Goodness, Wamster, such high standards! How does anyone you know live up to them? But then you would maybe consider me a chav and so I can't imagine circles like yours.

ok -moment of truth - I think i'm going with J Lewis vouchers for this particular wedding i've been bitching about - how much to spend as a couple attending the evening reception only? help!

I have not got high standards at all. But the opening poster asked if wedding lists are reasonable or not and my opinion is that to put them in with an invite is rude and expecting a lot of people. Don't think it is high standards to think: wait a second, isn't this a bit rude of you? Putting the list in with the invite to people who may not be able to get you anything on the list? That is not high standards, just really, really basic good manners and I do mean bog standard manners- I'm not talking about the high manners stuff like knowing which knife to use at a dinner party or anything.

Good heavens, I have discovered late in life that I am unspeakably rude. One more thing for me to get over.

I not only had a wedding list, but it was at John Lewis and I sent it out with the invitations. I'd not be offended to receive the same - why would I not want to buy someone a present to celebrate their wedding?

I like lists because I don't like traipsing round looking for thoughtful and unique gifts which might be unwanted.

I got married 19 years and am still using nearly everything that people bought me apart from the undoubtedly expensive chrome designer orange squeezer two friends bought me using their imagination.

It was hideous, too big to go in a cupboard but I did use it periodically until it broke - mercifully early on. I thanked them because it was nice of them to buy me present even though it would have been more sensible and cheaper for them to get me a JL saucepan

Also, do John Lewis haters have any thoughts on lists from Liberty's? Friends sent one of those with the invitation. I just bought something within my budget, but not to my taste. If I really couldn't have afforded it I'd have got them something else and I'm sure they'd have thanked me for the thought.

But why shouldn't people have what they want if you can afford it?

I'm glad none of you grumps are coming to my wedding!

Can I come snake?

In return you can have my white, cast-iron two-tiered egg stand that's decorated with relief castings of chickens topped off with a cock. Bizarre thinking by JL kitchenware buyers as cocks don't lay eggs.

I did ask for it. I don't know what I was thinking of.

You can have it because I keep my eggs in their box next to it and atm it's being used to store a pair of scissors, a lemon-squeezer, a heart-shaped pastry cutter and an ornate silver wine funnel given by my MIL which I also never use.

It's very useful for collecting dust.

But most lists I've seen break things down to the lowest value, so you can buy a plate or a spoon. There seems to be this fear of being judged if you can only afford one small thing which I've never come across. But like I said, surely these people are your friends and family. Why are people so afraid of what the b&g think of them? It's a happy occasion, why turn it into something judgy and difficult?

not sure the cheap stuff makes me feel better. whoo hoo, i can buy them one £3 placemat or a £5 white candle - do they really want these things - seems like list filler to me! Alternately, two crystal wine glasses are £42 - but do I really want to be someone who bought 2 wine glasses as a wedding gift?

Ah thanks Chandellina for the towels suggestion. Please don't pity me - I do manage to host (tawdry and pathetic?) social events here.
(Actually John Lewis value stuff is actually really nice!)

It is the couples wedding and it is reasonable for you to take a gift and it is nice if they get something they will like / use rather then my wedding where there was no list as such and i ended up with 4 toasters, 3 irons, 6 kettles and 7 sets of crystal bowls with matching serving bowls.
Lets focus on the couple. If it hurts to much to buy them something from their list send them a bunch of flowers for when they return from honeymoon or something.

chandellina I don't think it matters. If it's on the list they want it. You've done your duty. Your friends could make up a full set after or maybe other guests will.

I bought my Liberty friends two egg cups because they were a similar price to your wine glasses.

They were also hideous. They had little legs on them with socks and shoes but I wasn't planning on having breakfast with them

But the point is that they don't care! Most sane normal people just want you at their wedding and if they are the type of people that care, sod them.

Items cover a big price range precisely to give you the freedom to spend as much or little as you want. As limited period says, if it's on the list, they want it.

I buy vouchers, always. Amazon or JL. Just as hollow and thoughtless as the wedding list, but even faster.

I don't give gifts at weddings, nobody has disowned me yet.

Limited you are more than welcome to come, I love cocks.

the problem lies with our skewed view of festivities, gifts, money, sharing, celebration in general in this country.

Our more civilised neighbours have no such issues and everyone is very clear - especially around weddings. A new start is usually being embarked upon and family and friends want to help with it. Wedding lists are made so that the couple can start their new life with most of what they need and in some countries, these gifts are in addition to contributions of money which are given to help cover the costs of the weddings itself or desposit for a house etc.

I come from an Italian background and had no issue at all doing a wedding list - John Lewis were one of the only stores offering this service and it had to be done with pen and paper - not a scanner in sight! The gifts ranged from around £5 right up to £250 (for a fridge which my cousins clubbed together to purchase).

I actually don't understand how anyone could be offended. No one is obligated, if you can't afford a present, I'm sure your friends wouldn't care and if you can afford it but don't want to put your hand in your pocket, then that is a different matter entirely....