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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

dating someone who has behaved improperly

331 replies

MitchiestInge · 28/08/2011 22:29

eg: if you were a patient in hospital and someone involved in your care got your number and asked you out, how bad would it be to go out with them? if they were nice obviously

I've been quite good at ignoring his calls, not that he has been very pestery, but today made arrangements to meet next week so on a scale of 1 to 10 with 10 being unspeakably stupid and 1 being barely registrable on idiocy scale how bad is it?

OP posts:
fargate · 29/08/2011 19:33

re the 'power dynamics' just in practical terms this man knows so so much more about you than you know about him. Think of all the detailed information in your clinical notes about you, your family, health, contact details, hope and fears, ?financial situation, which he can/has accessed.

Completely, unequal Sad

NormaStanleyFletcher · 29/08/2011 19:34

Text him saying it is off Now.

Talk to CPN about it as soon as you can Smile

Well done

TheOriginalFAB · 29/08/2011 19:36

I wouldn't even text. Just ignore and block.

Original poster
MitchiestInge · 29/08/2011 19:37

How do you block numbers?

OP posts:
PerryCombover · 29/08/2011 19:38

mitch the thing is it would be great to imagine that everyone involved in treating those who were vulnerable had their best interests at heart. That isn't always the case.

The vast majority of MHPs are brilliant, often overworked and remaining really professional. However some are predatory or bullying or damaged in their own ways. The problem is that this behaviour can be so incredibly damaging as the patients it effects are often unable to balance it with rational thoughts or experiences. Abuse is incredibly hard to deal with in any situation let alone with additional mental health issues.

When this negative, damaging, abusive behaviour shows itself in a Mental Health Professional and you have enough support to either spot it or escape it you owe it to others, either those who have gone before or those who come after to flag it to anyone and everyone you can

Please don't blame yourself for this. This situation is not of your making. I'm sorry you were treated in this way.

Original poster
MitchiestInge · 29/08/2011 19:39

(am seeing cpn tomorrow so won't have time to forget to mention it, probably when I told her before she got an account with the most questionable bits conveniently omitted)

OP posts:
NeedToSleepZZZ · 29/08/2011 19:41

imperial I felt it was inappropriate as I'd discussed personal things in the statement and he showed me things (photos, names) that I shouldn't have been allowed to see iyswim. He seemed to be trying to impress me by doing these things.

Original poster
MitchiestInge · 29/08/2011 19:41

thanks

sorry, he's not a mental health worker - it was a general medical ward, I was there for a few days before going on to a (nice new) mental health unit

but it probably doesn't make much difference either way, it's still dodgy?

OP posts:
fargate · 29/08/2011 19:49

.......yes, sorry. still dodgy.

don't know how to block a number - maybe just don't answer it if he phones again?

therugratref · 29/08/2011 19:57

Everything Lougle has said. Please re-read her posts. I would also question the need for an HCA to even access medical notes. I have never seen one look at a set. If I found an HCA had behaved like this (or any HCP) I would suspend them immediately and investigate under internal policy.
This is an 11 on the dodgy scale.

TheOriginalFAB · 29/08/2011 20:08

To block a number - call up the phonebook and you should get an add to reject list option.

sqweegiebeckenheim · 29/08/2011 20:38

REPORT REPORT REPORT. Who has he done this to before, and who will he do this to in the future? If your CPN doesn't listen tell someone else in a position of authority. But tell someone. Stop answering your phone.

LoveBeingAtHomeOnMyOwn · 31/08/2011 05:06

How did you get on yesterday Mitch?

Original poster
MitchiestInge · 31/08/2011 12:13

was just on phone to someone who was threatening to bump this thread, you beat her to it by hours (unless you are her? don't even know most people's usernames)

I missed my cpn appointment, overslept, but I did cancel (by text) the arrangement to meet the man and am still thinking about how/if to alert authorities - would rather hide behind someone else if poss.

sometimes I feel compelled to put myself in danger, and the rest of the time am trying to placate my neurotic brain which is convinced of threats where there are probably none. maybe I am a bit disordered.

OP posts:
ripstheirthroatoutliveupstairs · 31/08/2011 12:15

How can you oversleep? It is vitally important that you keep these appointment. Now, phone her again and make a new one. Perhaps she can do your dirty work for you?

Original poster
MitchiestInge · 31/08/2011 12:23

it's fine, have already made plans to see her either tomorrow or Friday - need to sort out the oversleeping thing, don't know what that's about, am not even taking anything very sedating any more

don't even want to guess at what's behind the phrase 'dirty work'

OP posts:
ripstheirthroatoutliveupstairs · 31/08/2011 12:36

Nothing sensational, I was just wondering if your CPN can tell the man you won't be meeting him. Then hold your hand while you report him.
You are going to report him aren't you?

Original poster
MitchiestInge · 31/08/2011 12:46

should I apologise for needing help with it? Seems to offend you unless you are not jeering and I'm just hypersensitive

bravely cancelled the 'date' myself but I won't be reporting him myself, hand held or not, so will talk to her about how it can be done

OP posts:
Tortoiseonthehalfshell · 31/08/2011 13:07

Good for you, Mitchy. And I'm glad you've got a RL friend reading your thread.

You're lovely, you know. And deserve better.

Original poster
MitchiestInge · 31/08/2011 13:37

what a nice thing to say, thank you :)

OP posts:
sqweegiebeckenheim · 31/08/2011 13:52

maybe try the PALS for your area? you could report through them perhaps?

LoveBeingIgnoredByMardyBra · 31/08/2011 14:12

Fab news, and no I'm not her!

Againagainagain · 31/08/2011 14:21

Name change for thread

A few years ago my friend relapsed and was admitted to a psychiatric unit, she was very unwell at the time and became close to one of the male hca's.

He was involved closely in her care, when she was on high obs because she was deemed a suicide risk he was incharge of shadowing her. She managed to attempt suicide twice while he was there even though he should of been watching her at all times.

The relationship progressed and after she was discharged they carried on seeing each other, he was very controlling and she was still unwell and ended up being readmitted. This is when she found out she was pregnant and he was married. His wife found out and took his clothes into the unit and told everyone what had been going on, it wasn't the first time he'd had a relationship with a patient.

He was moved to another unit, my friend had counselling, got better, ended the relationship and had a termination.

This man abused his position of trust, my friend was extremely unwell and he took advantage of this. I don't think he should be aloud to work with vulnerable people but the NHS still employ him.

Op I'm glad you have decides against meeting this man. It is ethically wrong to date a patient and to get a patients number out of their notes.

Lougle · 31/08/2011 14:49

MitchyInge, well done you!!!

Don't worry about the reporting. There are lots of ways of doing it that don't involve you directly making the first move.

Baby steps Smile

You know, there's hope for you - you are very insightful about your own mental health, even when its clear from your postings on this thread that you are quite poorly right now. That is a real strength.

Take heart that you thought about his behaviour, you heard alarm bells ringing, and you asked other people what they thought, because you knew you weren't in the right place to balance the risks yourself. That takes strength, courage, determination and humility.

Don't let anyone berate you for needing help to see the wood for the trees - we all need that sometimes. The best thing about this whole thing is that you recognised yourself that you needed that help.

sqweegiebeckenheim · 31/08/2011 16:50

really good points Lougle.

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