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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

dating someone who has behaved improperly

331 replies

MitchiestInge · 28/08/2011 22:29

eg: if you were a patient in hospital and someone involved in your care got your number and asked you out, how bad would it be to go out with them? if they were nice obviously

I've been quite good at ignoring his calls, not that he has been very pestery, but today made arrangements to meet next week so on a scale of 1 to 10 with 10 being unspeakably stupid and 1 being barely registrable on idiocy scale how bad is it?

OP posts:
PerryCombover · 29/08/2011 13:25

The point about a manic episode though is that it's just that
it's normal to say inappropriate things and staff are used to that as part of the illness
however there are some who will take advantage and that is the scary part cos it's usually when we are at our most vulnerable
it's also normal to totally blame yourself for unwanted attention gained when you are ill...but it's not your vault

that's why you need to be surrounded by those who have your best interests at heart

ImperialBlether · 29/08/2011 13:29

It's outrageous that people are blaming the OP for saying sexually inappropriate things when the fact is she was hospitalised for her own mental health.

If this guy thinks that he should take everything on face value in a psychiatric ward, then he's in the wrong job.

Fabby, if the OP had been a visitor to the ward and said that, then yes, it was inappropriate. But she was a patient and presumably the staff look at what they say in order to assess their mental health.

He should NOT have seen that as a come-on!

GeraldineAubergine · 29/08/2011 13:29

It doesn't matter what a patient says, there is never a reason to breach the trust or confidentiality of that person when the person is vulnerable and unwell. I have had patients say inappropriate, sexual things to me during the course of my job, I have never accessed their private notes and called them later. This is because I am bound by ethics and a code of conduct and it's predatory to take advantage of unwell people in this way. The op could say whatever she liked to the guy in question, there is no excuse for his behaviour. If you feel up to it op, tell a trusted hcp about what has happened and see if you can get some support to take it further.

Original poster
MitchiestInge · 29/08/2011 13:33

oh dear

for avoidance of doubt - was a general medical ward where I was being treated for lithium toxicity, then I was moved to a psychiatric unit

I wasn't elated, in fact had 3 mha assessments over course of as many days because of fears my mood was too low. Possibly wasn't even a bipolar thing anyway.

OP posts:
eicosapentaenoic · 29/08/2011 13:35

M.Itch Is it time to watch Ann Bancroft in The Graduate again?

aliceliddell · 29/08/2011 13:35

Grin spat tea emoticon @ Kerrymumbles & GreenEggs 'Blackwrong rock'. Oh, my sides! (kindly remember my knackered bladder; pass those Tenaladies)

BimboNo5 · 29/08/2011 13:35

No it doesnt matter when it comes to a hcp, im talking about the other situations OP has spoke about and the unwanted attention she has got in different situations.

PerryCombover · 29/08/2011 13:37

I was deleted because I called her an idiot

It was fine for her to call me a lech, insinuate and state that I was a predator and then call me a vampire

Those posts were fine though......

That's clear

SouthernFriedTofu · 29/08/2011 13:38

I think the fact that it was against the rules would not even enter my mind before the creepy shit of stalking me and stealing my confidential info did. REPORT HIM

cityhobgoblin · 29/08/2011 13:49

Doesn't matter what you said to him OP , he's a predator .... patients often make sexually inappropriate remarks to HCPs when coming out of sedation / in emotional distress / suffering from dementia & many other reasons .

This man will "go for" other women ... there's certainly a foul subset of man who like to target women experiencing MH problems , but that this one is a health worker & has acted this way is terrifying . SGB's comments yesterday were spot on . Please make sure you get to log a formal complaint at the very most serious level - I think he deserves police attention . Hope you're fully recovered from the toxicity .

Claw3 · 29/08/2011 14:09

After all this advice OP are you still going on a date with him? What are you going to do?

ripstheirthroatoutliveupstairs · 29/08/2011 14:37

Please don't even consider going out with this predator. REPORT REPORT REPORT.
You were vulnerable he took advantage. He needs to be disciplined IMO.
Just in case you are in any doubt. REPORT HIM REPORT him -REPORT HIM-

Jackaroo · 29/08/2011 14:48

tbh, the fact that you used such language should be a major warning bell for any hcp, not see it as a come-on. It is so common.
I'm trying to see how this mans "frenchness" makes his behaviour acceptable Hmm but that's by the by.
Hope you've already made a decision op...

BartletForAmerica · 29/08/2011 14:49

Gosh, I'm agreeing with Fabby! That has never happened before.

Another doctor here. Definitely report him. This is a shockingly bad idea.

LoveBeingAtHomeOnMyOwn · 29/08/2011 14:58

It does not matter what the op said, she could have stripped naked and invited all around her to have sex with her. It is not acceptable behaviour from him and actually makes me more concerned. The op was transferred to a mental Heath unit, she has been admitted to them a number if times. He had her file and would know this and then decide to keep ringing her until she answered his calls. He was calling her whilst she was being transferred to the mhu ffs.

Claw3 · 29/08/2011 15:02

Despite the message from this thread being an overwhelming dont do it, his behaviour is bordering on gross misconduct, the op doesnt seem to be acknowledging it and keeps bouncing back with another amusing little story or excuse as to why it wouldnt be so bad.

NormaStanleyFletcher · 29/08/2011 15:03

I too am with the REPORT HIM consensus.

If you behaved inappropriately then that should make him LESS likely to call you, not more - if he were a professional that is.

Please protect vulnerable patients who may come into contact with him in the future.

ZillionChocolate · 29/08/2011 15:16

Another for the no camp. Please don't go out with him but do report him.

MinnieBar · 29/08/2011 15:33

If you don't want to report him OP then PM one of us and we'll do it.

Also, I cannot believe that some of you are seriously suggesting that Mitch 'brought this on herself' with what she said. It makes no difference whatsoever. Whatever next, are you going to say she encouraged him by wearing a skimpy hospital robe? Hmm

Onemorning · 29/08/2011 15:38

Op, I agree with people saying report him. What he has done is inappropriate no matter what you said (and it's the kind of thing I might say on occasion for a laugh) - it's a huge breach of trust to go through your medical records, and sets a lot of alarm bells ringing.

Claw3 · 29/08/2011 15:42

I used to volunteer in a residental care home for adults with mental health difficulties/disabilities and it was extremely common that they would act in inappropriate ways or say inappropriate things. The thought of someone taking advantage of that, is sickening.

Im not suggesting that having a mental health problem and being in hospital as the OP was is on the same par, as being in a residental home, but the principal its not that different.

FigsAndWine · 29/08/2011 16:18

I am Hmm at how Shock people are being about the fellatio comment; it was a joke ffs!

I'm with all the others though, Mitch - his behaviour is completely and utterly inappropriate. He has broken rules that are there for very valid reasons, and it seems likely that he is deliberately targeting you because you're vulnerable. If that's the case, then I would expect that he also targets other vulnerable women. If you report him, you can stop this happening again.

TheMagnificentBathykolpian · 29/08/2011 16:25

No. It does NOT exonerate him one little bit. People who work in mental health are WELL aware that patients can and do exhibit socially unacceptable behaviours - including making suggestions! Jokingly or otherwise.

They are supposed to disregard them and focus on helping their vulnerable patient!

They are NOT supposed to take them as a come-on and access a patient's personal file in order to lift their phone number and then start calling them!

pippilongsmurfing · 29/08/2011 16:41

This guy is a weirdo!
Rifling through confidential files to get your phone number when you are in hospital with MH problems??

He probably does this systematically as he might think women with MH issues are vulnerable and he can exploit that.

I would stear well clear, he sounds like a freak.

pippilongsmurfing · 29/08/2011 16:46

Having read the rest of the posts, I would say REPORT HIM.

Who knows what sort of sick things he gets up to with vulnerable women.
If he has asked you OP, how many other women has he done the exact same thing to.

He should be sacked, I would hate to think of my family ever needing MH help and some sleaze bag predator like this coming on to them?

It is most definately not ok for HCP's to be making sexual overtures to patients, MH or not.

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