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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

dating someone who has behaved improperly

331 replies

MitchiestInge · 28/08/2011 22:29

eg: if you were a patient in hospital and someone involved in your care got your number and asked you out, how bad would it be to go out with them? if they were nice obviously

I've been quite good at ignoring his calls, not that he has been very pestery, but today made arrangements to meet next week so on a scale of 1 to 10 with 10 being unspeakably stupid and 1 being barely registrable on idiocy scale how bad is it?

OP posts:

LoveBeingAtHomeOnMyOwn · 29/08/2011 17:17

All areas of care have incident of the services users making sexual remarks/advances, mental Heath, elderly, young teenagers etc not just to staff but to each other, guess some of you think this is ok too?

ripstheirthroatoutliveupstairs · 29/08/2011 17:23

When I referred to his Frenchness, it was an idle musing about whether French HCPs have such stringent rules as British ones do. I wasn't punting the idea that they had laxer morals. Just to clarify.

Sassybeast · 29/08/2011 17:46

OP - I hope you have realised by now that this guy is a predator who has taken advantage of your vulnerability. I am a (fairly old and experienced) nurse and have in the past, invoked disciplinary proceedings against a staff member who did similar - he lost his job AND his registration. The regulatory body for nurses - the NMC, regularly holds disciplinary proceedings against staff who act in the way that this man has. You have done nothing wrong - the fact that he has picked up on some of the things that you may have said reinforces the idea that he has singled you out. Please, please. please spek to your CPN - if he/she doesn't take you seriously, speak to the ward direct and report what has happened.

ps - Health care assistant/nursing assistant/auxilary nurse are all different names for the same job - there are also healthcare support workers and various other 'takes' on the title.

fargate · 29/08/2011 18:07

Slight hijack, Sassy. Does the Health Professionals Council set standards etc for healthcare assistants, yet ?

learningtofly · 29/08/2011 18:16

Sassy - HPC is currently only for qualified grades although there has been talk in recent years of extending this

ThePosieParker · 29/08/2011 18:16

Just read most of the posts.

MI I honestly can't think there would ever be an appropriate time for a doctor dealing with a patient who has MH issues to strike up a personal relationship and delve into personal and confidential files to do so. So many alarm bells are ringing.

If you had this guy elsewhere then great but not in this circumstance.

learningtofly · 29/08/2011 18:17

Sorry meant fargate

Sassybeast · 29/08/2011 18:20

Fargate - no - still no real progress - lots of fluffy talk about it really needing to happen but as yet no definitive progress - I would imagine that when it does happen, it will fall under the remit of the NMC rather than the HPC. It's absolute madness and very frustrating!

Lougle · 29/08/2011 18:44

MitchiestInge, I can see why you are confused. You get admitted to hospital, someone is very nice to you, then they contact you.

Regardless of how 'nice' this guy is, he has broken fundamental rules, and has illegally used your contact details.

You'd be amazed the power a care assistant/nursing assistant/health care worker/whatever's uniform alone has. Before I did my Nursing qualification, I worked on a ward in a hospital.

I could do anything. I went in to a cubicle, to remove a cannula from an older gentleman, to find him naked, having a strip wash. As I apologised, he said 'It's OK dear, you're a nurse.' That was the day I truly understood the power that was entrusted to us. That man, fully aware and with all his faculties, surrendered his decency to a 20 year old girl, because she was a 'nurse'.

There is no way that this guy didn't realise you were vulnerable. No way at all. Every shift, there is a handover, and all care staff are updated on the needs and welfare of all patients on the ward. If you were saying the things you are reporting, you can bet your bottom dollar that some small comment would have been made about your state of health.

I also agree with other posters, who say that the next person may not have a forum of people to ask. This is behaviour which needs to be stopped. Please do take the right action.

FlubbaBubba · 29/08/2011 19:00

Good post Lougle

OP, report him. If not for your (or his?) sake, then for the sake of any other vulnerable person who may not be strong enough to stick up for themselves

fargate · 29/08/2011 19:06

Sooo. Michiest's gallic HCP who sounds like he 'might' be an unqualified healthcare asssistant would not be answerable to any professional disciplinary body or even necessarily have any healthcare training? Can that be right. Or is it something written into a contract of employment?

Sorry to obsess about this. Upthread I mentioned that SW assistants/family aides etc aren't always subject to the same professional standards as qualified SW [because they aren't professionals/members of a professional body] and so can't be disciplined for inappropriate relationships with for example parents of children in CAF.

I'm thinking that Michiest's CPN will need to know this.

ImperialBlether · 29/08/2011 19:08

OP, I don't think you're taking this seriously enough. I think you're going to go out with him, despite what your RL and MN friends say.

TheOriginalFAB · 29/08/2011 19:12

Not the improperly I expected.

He has behaved very badly.

Talking about having sex with someone before you have met is a bit worrying to me.

I think you should block him and tell his employers as he has probably done this before, or may well do in the future, and things might not end so good.

NeedToSleepZZZ · 29/08/2011 19:14

Must agree with the majority of posters here, please report him. I was once a witness in a crime and the detective asked me out after I'd given my statement and I was very and said no, this is 100x worse. If you have no problems in pulling then you're not going to be alone for long but he sounds very creepy.

AlpinePony · 29/08/2011 19:15

'nice men' don't make advances on hospitalized women in the midst of a crisis who blurt out sexually inappropriate comments.

mitchy you seem to have convinced yourself he's nice and hot and gorgeous and normal. So I ask you, will you be telling your shrink how you met him in your next therapy session? Or do you deep down know it's fucked up?

kerrymumbles · 29/08/2011 19:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ImperialBlether · 29/08/2011 19:15

I don't think he was out of order doing that, NeedtoSleep, do you? You could easily have said, "Call me after the case is closed."

Lougle · 29/08/2011 19:15

fargate regardless of his 'status' with Governing bodies, the man in question would be an employee of the Healthcare Trust the hospital is part of, and there will be explicit policies on the use of patients' details.

Additionally, he will have broken the Data Protection Act.

He may not be a registered health professional, but should the employers become aware of his behaviour, he almost certainly would be dismissed, charges could be brought against him, and his name would feature on the POVA list (Protection of Vulnerable Adults), which would protect other patients/clients being subjected to his 'care'.

It may seem hysterical, but just imagine the damage that a person who is willing to break boundaries that are so clear could cause? Very vulnerable adults, perhaps already having experienced abuse, experience yet more abuse and are told that, somehow, they 'asked for it'

kerrymumbles · 29/08/2011 19:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

MitchiestInge · 29/08/2011 19:19

I did tell my cpn, I'm sure I did. She was probably concerned with more immediate things at the time, it doesn't really work seamlessly - the move from hospital to home treatment and back to cmht. I will talk to her about it again now the importance of it has been pressed upon me.

So many posts since I went to do the horses, also had an interesting call from a 20yr+ real life very close friend who also happens to use mumsnet and read this thread and she reminded me that my relationships (all two of them in that time, plus couple of skirmishes) have been fucked up in the power dynamics department. Don't know how much bearing that has but it sort of made it seem more important to avoid people who enjoy too much elasticity when it comes to interpretation of moral or ethical or whatever codes.

OP posts:

TheOriginalFAB · 29/08/2011 19:22

I have read all the thread and are genuinely worried about you MI.

NormaStanleyFletcher · 29/08/2011 19:26

MI - I hope this means you are not going on the date

Please do flag this up to someone - show them the call history as well

fargate · 29/08/2011 19:27

Thanks, lougle. Good to hear that the Trust will be able to take action.

Original poster

MitchiestInge · 29/08/2011 19:27

Sorry, didn't mean to make people worried. Wanted an assessment of how seriously to worry about his actions - as in, is it a bit cheeky or is it beyond the pale Wrong - most people are very clear that, yes, it's worrying and not a good idea to see this person. Obviously am especially swayed by friend's opinion now she knows the full story, think she heard an edited version originally.

So will squirm out of arrangement somehow (text?) and talk to cpn about reporting him.

OP posts:

ImperialBlether · 29/08/2011 19:30

OP, I'm worried that you can't remember whether you told your CPN. Can you email her or leave a phone message now to tell her or to remind her to ask you about it?

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