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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be upset with OH using cocaine

246 replies

maybells · 26/08/2011 22:54

we have been together for over 6 years and have a 21 mnth old ds. 4 years ago my partner used cocaine while we were at a friends party after i asked him not to touch it. we had a huge fight and he agreed that he would never touch it again or i told him it would be over.
when oh has a drink he is a complete sheep and just follows what other people are doing. it was my birthday a couple of months ago and we got a rare night out with friends to celebrate. during the night my other half disappeared to play pool. he had to walk past our table to get to the loo. he was ages and it made me suspicious. anyway after 3 hours i was so bored i went to go and find him and he had white powder on his face. i asked him what the fuck it was and the bloke he was playing pool with and one of my friends said oh leave him alone have another drink!
he flatly denied using drugs so i believed him.
i went out with a close friend who was with us that night and asked her outright and she was snorting coke with my oh and this other bloke. i confronted oh and he admitted it! I'm gutted i cant believe he did it and on my birthday of all days. I'm so angry how can i trust him if the threat of loosing his family is not even enough to stop him. i look the biggest twat now and he hasn't even tried to make it up to me or anything he just says "well i know your angry and everything has been said that needs to be said". how the hell do i move on from this?

OP posts:

Tyr · 27/08/2011 18:52

Maybells,

Do you think you might be projecting your previous relationship onto this one?

ohnororo · 27/08/2011 18:56

Yes he should. And what he did was disrespectful to you. But it wasn't in the same zone as cheating on you!

Original poster

maybells · 27/08/2011 18:59

oh knows that person from previous relationship and knows what a prick he was. i trust my oh in every other way, he knows i just dont like people being coked up. im saying i trust him not to do things thats how thing work the same as he trusts me not to do things.

OP posts:

SardineQueen · 27/08/2011 19:00

Did he do coke occasionally when you met him? Did you know?

Original poster

maybells · 27/08/2011 19:02

he did it once or twice when around it. he didnt buy it it was a tag along thing. we had a time before where he did it when i asked him not to and that is when i said i hate you know i do and im not being with a coke user.

OP posts:

SardineQueen · 27/08/2011 19:04

I don't know what you should do really.

His attitude seems rather crappy.

Has he said he's not going to do it again, or just that he knows you're angry?

SardineQueen · 27/08/2011 19:07

It sounds to me like you went out for your birthday, he got wasted and was disrespectful towards you and treated you and your feelings in a dismissive way. Is that about right?

Original poster

maybells · 27/08/2011 19:11

he said to me he didnt think, he was a dick he shouldnt have done it and it was stupid. he understands why i am angry. he didnt say sorry until i said he hadnt.
hes a great father he supports both of us(his choice). we trust each other im just pissed off because im always the bad guy because im the loud one in the relationship. i dont controll him or stop him from doing anything.
a relationship is built on trust. hes said he going to take us out for a nice family day out to say sorry?

OP posts:

slightlyunbalanced · 27/08/2011 19:16

Since when has alcohol been a stimulant?

exoticfruits · 27/08/2011 19:26

It sounds utterly depressing-no one I know does cocaine. I have never even seen anyone do it. (if I did I would write them off as sad).

SardineQueen · 27/08/2011 19:33

Has he said he's not going to do it again though?

TBH if it were me I would accept the day out and have a long talk about how I felt etc. But I'm not you so it's hard to know what to say.

Eurostar · 27/08/2011 19:34

YANBU because of what it shows about his character.
A cocaine user massively risks their increase of heart attack - so showing a disregard for themselves and for their loved ones. The cocaine trade is evil, many deaths are caused through it. A user is facilitating this trade.

I'm sorry to read that for a rare night out for your birthday, you were treated in this way by your OH and your so called friends. I would be thinking about every way to slowly develop a new friends circle. Adults who have to do drugs to enjoy their night out, are not fun, caring or interesting people to be around I find as a rule.

SardineQueen · 27/08/2011 19:35

Effect of alcohol is extremely complex I think.

From a biology POV it is a depressant (heart rate etc) but on the brain it has a variety of effects. It's very interesting. There's no drug like it.

exoticfruits · 27/08/2011 19:38

I am glad that you have mentioned the evil trade Eurostar-people just don't seem to be bothered-as long as they have 'fun' they don't care about who gets hurt. And these are adults with DCs

SardineQueen · 27/08/2011 19:38

here this is very interesting

SardineQueen · 27/08/2011 19:40

The whole prog that clip is from was very interesting but I can't remember what it was called.

SardineQueen · 27/08/2011 19:41

eurostar do you have the same pronouncements about people who undertake other possibly risky activities such as riding a motorcycle, playing rugby, ski-ing etc?

slightlyunbalanced · 27/08/2011 19:42

It depresses everything and slows your brain function down that's why you slur and lose control of body movements. It slows down your breathing everything. It's a depressant. Also stops your gagging reflex which is why people often choke on their own vomit. That's why its so dangerous to stop heavy drinking very suddenly. Brain reawakens like a light bulb and causes seizures.

exoticfruits · 27/08/2011 19:45

How is skiing, playing rugby an evil trade?! Is it hurting innocent DCS in third world countries who can't get clean water?

SardineQueen · 27/08/2011 19:45

Have you watched the clip, slightly?

The effect on the brain can be as a stimulant. Certainly if you have ever been to a pub you will have observed that for yourself.

ohnororo · 27/08/2011 19:47

I'd allow him to apologise, have a family day out and let this go. Everyone makes mistakes, part of a long term loving relationship is forgiving an occasional moment where your other half acts like an asshole. If you love him, trust him and he's a good Daddy then express your feelings (which you did) and move on. Good people do stupid things.

SardineQueen · 27/08/2011 19:48

I was wondering if eurostar thought that people who do those things have a "disregard for themselves and their loved ones".

Although using petrol is buying into an "evil trade" now I come to think of it, if "evil trade" is defined as per the drugs trade. So the motorbike and the flying to go ski-ing result in harm to many many people (starvation, death, war etc).

Rugby is fairly harmless on the "evil trade" off the top of my head but I'm sure I can think of something if pressed

exoticfruits · 27/08/2011 19:56

Producing and buying petrol isn't illegal. The government gets a lot in taxes from it.

CoteDAzur · 27/08/2011 20:02

Whose fault is it that drug business is an "evil trade"? Those who use or those who prohibit?

There will always be demand for something that is such fun. Legalize, inform, regulate, and tax. Let people do their own risk assessment, just as you are letting them do with cigarettes and alcohol. If not, don't complain about "evil trade".

SardineQueen · 27/08/2011 20:04

I thought the argument was that the trade is evil and many deaths are caused.

On that basis the petrol trade qualifies quite easily as an "evil trade".

Now you have decided that this particular "evil trade" and all the deaths are not a problem as petrol is a legal fuel and the government makes money from it? How cynical. And also what a total move of the goalposts.

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