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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be upset with OH using cocaine

246 replies

maybells · 26/08/2011 22:54

we have been together for over 6 years and have a 21 mnth old ds. 4 years ago my partner used cocaine while we were at a friends party after i asked him not to touch it. we had a huge fight and he agreed that he would never touch it again or i told him it would be over.
when oh has a drink he is a complete sheep and just follows what other people are doing. it was my birthday a couple of months ago and we got a rare night out with friends to celebrate. during the night my other half disappeared to play pool. he had to walk past our table to get to the loo. he was ages and it made me suspicious. anyway after 3 hours i was so bored i went to go and find him and he had white powder on his face. i asked him what the fuck it was and the bloke he was playing pool with and one of my friends said oh leave him alone have another drink!
he flatly denied using drugs so i believed him.
i went out with a close friend who was with us that night and asked her outright and she was snorting coke with my oh and this other bloke. i confronted oh and he admitted it! I'm gutted i cant believe he did it and on my birthday of all days. I'm so angry how can i trust him if the threat of loosing his family is not even enough to stop him. i look the biggest twat now and he hasn't even tried to make it up to me or anything he just says "well i know your angry and everything has been said that needs to be said". how the hell do i move on from this?

OP posts:
Collaborate · 27/08/2011 08:16

OP if you want an alternative to kicking him out, how about making him attend a drug and alcohol therapy programme? You can go with him and he will be tested regularly. If he only does it when drunk then he needs to sort out his alcohol problem too. If he fails to agree to this then personally I'd kick him out, but whatever you do I'm sure you'll think of your son. This might be the best time for you to influence his behaviour.

ballstoit · 27/08/2011 08:16

YANBU. In a way, had he been honest right from the start, it wouldnt be so bad imo. If he'd said to you that you can't control him by threatening to leave, well at least he'd have a back bone. But he agreed with you (it would appear?) and bottom line is, he's more worried about your friends opinion of him than yours.

I think now he's started lying to you about it, he's not going to stop, particularly as he doesn't seem to be that fussed that you've found out.

I think you need some time to think. Lots of factors would influence my decision; your financial situation? how often you see the friends concerned? how honest he's prepared to be now?

TheSecondComing · 27/08/2011 08:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DialMforMummy · 27/08/2011 08:25

I disagree about the suggestion of Drug Therapy Programme. If indeed he has used coke twice. It's like asking someone to go to AA after getting pissed a couple of times.
I don't think the problem is the substance abuse in itself but rather the attitude of the OH who seemed to be swayed so easily.

FabbyChic · 27/08/2011 08:26

Substance abuse becomes a problem when people need it to live, when they cannot go a day without taking it. Even I didn't have a problem I only used when out clubbing because it meant I never had a hangover and could stay up all night.

What was the problem for me was thinking that I couldn't have a decent night out without it, when I stopped using it I stopped going clubbing.

Spuddybean · 27/08/2011 08:38

The odd line wouldn't bother me, but if you don't like it, have told him so and he ignored you, then lied - that is a different matter. I would be very upset in those circumstances.

I often did the odd line, e, speed etc at parties - as do/did all my London friends. It wasn't till i mixed with people from outside that i realised it wasn't the norm for everyone. I don't have a problem with it.

BUT, my dp doesn't like drugs at all and said so from the outset. He told me it was one of his deal breakers. So i haven't had anything other than booze and fags (and really cut back on that too) for the last 2 years - it was no big deal really.

He doesn't like it. I love him. It would upset him. That's more important than a fleeting high.

catgirl1976 · 27/08/2011 08:46

I took coke all through college and univeristy and afterwards with diminishing frequency as I greq up, got a job, got responsibilties etc. I wouldn't do it now as it does turn you into an absolute wanker and tbh its just something you (should) grow out of. I didn't find it addicitive, nor did anyone in my circle but obvioulsy some people do get addicited. For me occasional use is no worse than having a drink etc. If your OH has just done it a couple of times in a year then I wouldn't worry about him having a drug problem.

However, he promised you he wouldn't do it, he knew how it made you feel and he still did it and he lied to you about it. This is the real problem. Wouldnt make a differnence if the "thing" he had done was a line of coke or eating a hamburger. It is something you discussed and some thing he agreed not to do - then he did it and lied.

That's what you need to address. If he thinks you will just go "oh ok" and let it go....then he may well do it again. However, you have been together 6 years and this sounds like pretty rare behaviour so hopefully you can work through it. I think there needs to be some consequences but I don't necessarily think you should leave a 6 year realtionship for 1 mistake every 3 years.

CoteDAzur · 27/08/2011 09:04

What catgirl said. The problem here is deliberately doing something he knows you are strongly against, and hiding it from you. "Well, I know you are angry and everything has been said" sounds like "You are angry, so what? Get over it" to me. He would do it again, it seems.

Kick up a big fight and don't back down until he says he will never disrespect you like this, especially in front of your friends.

Then keep the OH for another chance but ditch the friends.

People against drugs should not go out with people doing drugs anyway. When on drugs, they will be on a totally different wavelength to you and will not enjoy the same things. Even if they are not on drugs, you will always wonder if they are. They will go around hiding their use from you, which does not foster trust in a friendship.

exoticfruits · 27/08/2011 09:05

YANBU. I wouldn't take it in the first place and would leave anyone who took it-someone who is so weak that they have to follow a leader and then lie about it is pathetic when they are an adult and a parent.
I would sit him down and have a serious discussion and give an ultimatum.

TheSecondComing · 27/08/2011 09:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

exoticfruits · 27/08/2011 09:19

It is a huge deal for me-I have never taken drugs and would avoid them-and anyone who takes them with a barge pole. Once you have DCs you have to grow up.

solidgoldbrass · 27/08/2011 09:21

To be fair, the occasional line of coke isn't that big a problem. OP, you do sound a bit controlling, insisting that your H is spineless and easily led and then complaining that he doesn't obey you unquestioningly.

catgirl1976 · 27/08/2011 09:24

I think most people (not all of course) have taken drugs at some point and most with little or no ill effect. Its the dishonesty and the lack of respect that the issue in this case I think - not 2 lines of coke in 6 years.

CoteDAzur · 27/08/2011 09:24

"when oh has a drink he is a complete sheep and just follows what other people are doing"

I don't think that is the problem. Here is something you should know about cocaine: even if you are totally drunk, one line of cocaine sobers you up instantly.

More likely, he has a couple of drinks, gets to the point where he doesn't care what you think or what would hurt you, and has a first line of cocaine. Then, he is awake and aware of the consequences, but still continues.

This is not about being a "complete sheep", I'm afraid.

CoteDAzur · 27/08/2011 09:28

"Once you have DCs you have to grow up."

Yes, but re all intoxicating substances, including alcohol. Drugs are not singularly egregious in this respect. You cannot function as a responsible parent when under the influence or even the day after when you are recuperating from a heavy night out. So if you will have a big night, you need to arrange proper childcare for that night and the next day.

TigerseyeMum · 27/08/2011 09:29

Cocaine is not actually addictive. It is, however, hugely psychologically manipulative - it creates a craving which is psychological in origin, not physical. In that respect it is different to alcohol, nicotine and heroin, all of which are addictive.

What worries me about what you have said is that psychologically he is wea. Not only is he easily lead by his mates (and therefore just a teeny bit childish?) but that he has been hiding what he is doing. This is understandable if he knows he is doing something you don't like but wants to do itanyway - but would concern me that it isn't just 2 lines in 4 years - what he means is, it's 2 lines that you know about in 4 years.

I think I am bothered the most about the fact that he was dismissive of your opinion and he and his friends basically shouted you down. This is so disrespectful that if my OH behaved like this there would be hell to pay.

I am not against drugs per se and I dont particularly like the idea of one adult telling another adult what they can and cannot do. A small amount of coke is not always a disaster, but if he is that psychologically weak then my guess is that it may not be just the amounts you know about. People on drugs are usually quite boring, and for some there is the risk of psychological damage.

It's more about the way he has treated you than the drug use imo.

TigerseyeMum · 27/08/2011 09:31

That should read "psychologically he is weak " Blush Sorry. I don't know anything about his wea Blush

slightlyunbalanced · 27/08/2011 09:31

I wouldn't be too worried about the odd line of coke. I would be worried about him making you look like a complete twat in front if all your "friends" who are just trying to normalise their own behaviour by encouraging him.

I would also be extremely concerned about anyone mixing Cocaine with alcohol, a lethal mix of drugs which causes most deaths from cocaine use. Causes Cocoethalyne to form in the body which is like pyre Cocaine and confuses the heart (doesn't know whether to speed up with the coke or slow down with the booze) causing seizures and heart attacks.

The poster who compared coke to heroin. These two drugs are not alike at all. One is physically addictive, the other psychologically.

mousesma · 27/08/2011 09:36

I personally woulodn't have a problem with this because I know lots of people who have taken drugs recreationally with no ill effects and couple of lines of coke every so often really isn't a big deal.

However every relationship has different rules and you obviously feel very strongly about this and your husband should respect this.

TheSecondComing · 27/08/2011 09:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MadameOvary · 27/08/2011 09:47

DP and I recently started seeing each other again after six years - one of the reasons it ended was because of his coke use - he would regularly lie about it and become an obnoxious brat. He WAS pretty immature though with a "fuck-you" attitude to anyone who tried to tell him what to do.

He does not buy it anymore but might have the odd line at a friends house. He has said that it doesn't have the effect it used to and never will again. I believe him, not least because he has just watched his father recover from a heart attack and spleen problems (the former probably due to his coke use and a lifetime of booze)
He is also actively cutting down on cigarettes which I was amazed at, especially as his whole family smoked and he was practically weaned on nicotine Now THEY are all trying to cut down and on e-cigarettes, pills etc.

Changed days indeed. My point is that your OH will only stop when he wants to, when he gets the message of what utter poison it is and what it is doing to him.
I was frequently offered it but always refused. Too scared of getting addicted.

I dont usually say "leave him" as I know it isn't that simple. But I would do so here, and I'm pretty sure that not even that will get him to stop. Sorry Sad

exoticfruits · 27/08/2011 10:14

My point is that your OH will only stop when he wants to

Which is why he needs a strong message and not just make it something that you will make a fuss about until next time.

I think that people ought to read up about the cocaine industry and the pollution and deforestation it causes in places like Columbia here. It is appalling that people who have a good lifestyle in UK with DCs who have clean water don't care what their 'recreational' drug is doing to the people who live in the area and the DCs who can't get clean water.
It is so sad that people have to suffer for selfish people who don't give them a thought.

Xales · 27/08/2011 10:19

He dumped you for the whole evening at a table on your birthday and fucked off to play pool ignoring you.

Then he went and used cocaine which you had told him you didn't like.

He then left you for cocaine, his friends (and a so called one of yours) and went off and played pool for 3 hours leaving you sat bored on your birthday and told you basically to fuck off and get a drink when you went to him.

Now on trying to discuss it he is saying so what I don't give a shit you are angry get over it more or less.

You think the problem is his lying about his drug use or about his complete and utter contempt for you as a person?

I think you have bigger problems.....

SardineQueen · 27/08/2011 10:22

Not read all thread but

He was in the bog for 3 hours???
He had coke on his face???

How strange.

If it's any consolation then he clearly isn't doing this regularly as if he were he would be able to get it up his nose in a couple of mins.

Will read thread now.

CoteDAzur · 27/08/2011 10:29

"extremely concerned about anyone mixing Cocaine with alcohol"

Everybody takes cocaine with alcohol.