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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be upset with OH using cocaine

246 replies

maybells · 26/08/2011 22:54

we have been together for over 6 years and have a 21 mnth old ds. 4 years ago my partner used cocaine while we were at a friends party after i asked him not to touch it. we had a huge fight and he agreed that he would never touch it again or i told him it would be over.
when oh has a drink he is a complete sheep and just follows what other people are doing. it was my birthday a couple of months ago and we got a rare night out with friends to celebrate. during the night my other half disappeared to play pool. he had to walk past our table to get to the loo. he was ages and it made me suspicious. anyway after 3 hours i was so bored i went to go and find him and he had white powder on his face. i asked him what the fuck it was and the bloke he was playing pool with and one of my friends said oh leave him alone have another drink!
he flatly denied using drugs so i believed him.
i went out with a close friend who was with us that night and asked her outright and she was snorting coke with my oh and this other bloke. i confronted oh and he admitted it! I'm gutted i cant believe he did it and on my birthday of all days. I'm so angry how can i trust him if the threat of loosing his family is not even enough to stop him. i look the biggest twat now and he hasn't even tried to make it up to me or anything he just says "well i know your angry and everything has been said that needs to be said". how the hell do i move on from this?

OP posts:
SardineQueen · 27/08/2011 17:46

I find that people who work with addicts have (understandably) a rather skewed view on these issues. The vast majority of people who use drugs recreationally are fine, they don't get addicted, and they don't die.

SardineQueen · 27/08/2011 17:47

You don't know any alcoholics?

SardineQueen · 27/08/2011 17:49

Your post there sounds as if you think that people with addictions are bad people who you don't want to know, full stop. I find that approach small minded and strange TBH. People with addictions can be very nice, you know. They shouldn't be shunned and put in a box of "other" and "bad" IMO.

catgirl1976 · 27/08/2011 18:01

I don't know any alcholics or drug addicts, despite knowing many people who drink and may people who take drugs.

WelliesAndABrolly · 27/08/2011 18:03

I see lots of alcoholics and addicts through my work but no, at the moment I don't know any personally. Tbh it's secondcoming's attitude that I find irritating.
I know two people whose parents were alcoholics (one's mum, the other's dad, both dead now) and it made their life a misery so no, I don't feel too warm and fuzzy about having addicts in my life. Luckily for me it's not something I have to deal with at the moment, I'm not interested in being friends with adults who haven't grown out of taking drugs. OP's husband sounds like an idiot (sorry Op!)

Tyr · 27/08/2011 18:06

Coke is a great social leveller- it turns everyone into an asshole. That being said, I don't think your ultimatum was helpful. I know people who use it recreationally and a few who have gone to the dogs on it.
It sounds like he has a blow with his mates from time to time and, if he's not doing it round the kids, becoming violent on it or spending the grocery money on it, I'd let it go. Assuming he is in the former category, he's more likely to be honest with you if he knows he won't be read the riot act for doing something which, in his case, may be no worse than getting a bit pissed with his mates once in a while.
There are a lot of double standards around regarding drugs; legality aside, alcohol wreaks havoc in many lives but you wouldn't be posting about him having a drink with his mates now and then.

SardineQueen · 27/08/2011 18:10

This is what tsc said

"but i have friends (many) and colleagues (many) over the years,from all walks of life and backgrounds with varying degrees of cash\qualifications\success who recreationally take drugs (or did in the past.) with no ill effects. 2 or 3 have gone on to have smack problems (but 2 have also had alcoholism- shades of the same spectrum IMO) "

She was talking about everyone she has known / met / worked with in her life. Not just her close circle of intimate friends now.

slightlyunbalanced · 27/08/2011 18:11

Do you think people who work in areas of other mental health issues have a skewed view too? - I think we know a lot more of the realities than people who twist the facts to suit their own thinking or justify their own "recreational" drug use. A lot of my friends (ex friends actually because I too can't stand being around people off their heads on coke) thought they knew a lot more than me about drugs because they took them - doesn't mean they have studied the science behind it though or how they work once they are inside your body.

97% of people who use drugs recreationally do not become addicted to drugs long term.

It only takes one use for cocoethylene to kill you - pretty high risk gamble if you ask me esp if you don't have regular ECG's or know for sure you don't have an underlying heart problem - Gambling with your kids lives too if you die.

At least with booze and fags they are regulated and you know exactly what kind is in it and how much. Who here tests their coke in a lab before they use it and know how strong it is, or where it was made (normally in pretty rank places).

SardineQueen · 27/08/2011 18:14

The vast majority of people I know who used drugs, or drank excessively, or even smoked cigarettes, don't do it now and haven't done it for years. They are all upstanding types with naice children and good jobs.

That is simply how it is. Yes I genuinely believe that people who work with addicts end up with a skewed view - seeing as they do people who are in real trouble. Same as they say about lots of jobs.

SardineQueen · 27/08/2011 18:14

"At least with booze and fags they are regulated and you know exactly what kind is in it and how much."

That's not true is it, there's loads of dodgy stuff on the market and from time to time warnings go out, especially about potentially lethal bootleg booze.

SardineQueen · 27/08/2011 18:15

first on google dodgy vodka potential to cause blindness, public are warned.

MoreCrackThanHarlem · 27/08/2011 18:20

Maypole

I work with children who are involved with SS, and have close professional links to the team of social workers.

I am pretty sure they would have very little interest in the OP's children.
Their father has used cocaine twice in the last 6 years.

Children are allowed to remain with heroin/methadone dependent parents for years as long as they are 'cooperating' with SS.

Tyr · 27/08/2011 18:22

I think Slightlyunbalanced is presenting a good case for legalisation and regulation. Believe it or not, so called "dangerous drugs" like coke and heroin were readily available from pharmacists until early in the last century.
Most of the social problems we have with drugs now can be attributed to black market forces, as opposed to the substance per se.

slightlyunbalanced · 27/08/2011 18:29

I am 100% for legalisation and regulation.

solidgoldbrass · 27/08/2011 18:31

It is very true that occasional recreational use of illegal drugs doesn't do much harm. An enormous number of people have at least dabbled with cannibis, cocaine, LSD, MDMA and speed without dying, losing all their teeth friends and becoming hopelessly addicted.
However, the OP's relationship doesn't sound all that great anyway: she despises her partner and wants to control him, he lies to her and ignores her.

Original poster
maybells · 27/08/2011 18:32

have just come back onto the thread i was sitting with other friends for 3 hours when i went to go and find him he had powder on his face. i agree he is a selfish wanker and although he swore he hasn't done it apart from the times i know about, he is probably lying.
I'm gutted one of the people he was doing it with was a friend Ive known since school. I'm so angry she had a go at me for "nagging" when she knew damn well what he was doing. its the whole lying and trust breaking issue and making me out to be an arsehole in front of everyone when he was wrong.
i will not be inviting the said "friend" out again as she cannot be trusted. i need to sort this out a strong enough consequence is needed to make him understand what hes done. i just dont know.

OP posts:
TheSecondComing · 27/08/2011 18:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Dialsmavis · 27/08/2011 18:37

You do talk about your DH as if he were a child Maybells

Original poster
maybells · 27/08/2011 18:37

solidgoldbrass the issue is trust that i didn't have a problem with him having a drink with mates or having fun i have a problem with being lied to and being made a dick of when i haven't done anything wrong.
he does not have to be stuck to my side the entire evening i was quite happy to go and play pool as i was drinking with other friends. i have a problem with being mugged off!

OP posts:
Spuddybean · 27/08/2011 18:38

Everyone i know who does cocaine drinks with it - occasional use. (that of course is not saying that drinking leads to coke use - just like everyone i know who smokes weed does not do heroin).

It is not the kind of drug you do without other stimulants because it is quite pricey and a line only really lasts 20 mins. So if you were to do it all night and it be your only high it would cost a fortune.

People i know tend to do it with and e or speed to bring them back up or with booze. I'm not saying it's safe it's just the nature of the drugs use.

And to the person who said blokes get a limp dick - my experience has been the opposite (yes it shrinks but so does your vagina so all seems to work out in proportion). All the guys i've slept with on coke have had a raging hard on which lasts for hours.

However, i think the issue here for the OP is more the deception. And i would defo be fucked off at being left for three hours on my birthday.

MorelliOrRanger · 27/08/2011 18:40

NOPE YANBU - I wouldn't stay with someone that a) did drugs and then b) lied about it and then c) showed no remorse.

There would be dust flying as I left the twat.

solidgoldbrass · 27/08/2011 18:41

Maybells: You do seem to confuse 'trust' with obedience. Your H has the right to disagree with you. You do not own him and telling someone what to do without listening to or considering their opinion tends to increase the chances of them lying to you. Your attitude towards drugs is extreme - it doesnt necessarily make you wrong but it doesn;'t make you automatically right, either.

ohnororo · 27/08/2011 18:48

Sorry but I do think DialsMavis makes a very good point. If you were dealing with a teenager you'd need to consider a 'strong enough consequence'. He's a grown up. If he'd not doing drugs regularly or at home or spending his money on a habit I don't think you should dictate what he can and can't do. I'd be deeply pissed off too if OH did that on my birthday. Just wouldn't threaten to leave him over it..which seems a little dramatic.

Original poster
maybells · 27/08/2011 18:48

i don't think my attitude to drugs is extreme, he smokes, he drinks, he did smoke weed but stopped years ago. if he had a joint on a night out then i wouldn't have a problem. i don't like coke its a selfish shitty drug from my experience of being in a previous relationship with a heavy coke user who did it everyday and was an arsehole.
i ask him not to do one thing and he did it and that is when i said i didn't want to be around it. he should have the bludy respect to not stick shit up his nose. i trust him not to do it because he said he wouldn't. thats how relationships work like i trust him not to fuck anyone else.

OP posts:
Original poster
maybells · 27/08/2011 18:52

we have spoken and main issue is trust i want to get over it and move on i dont want it coming up everytime we go out being paranoid that would be pointless. i trust him every other way he has never given me reason not to.
i dont know what to do to be honest.

OP posts: