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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be upset with OH using cocaine

246 replies

maybells · 26/08/2011 22:54

we have been together for over 6 years and have a 21 mnth old ds. 4 years ago my partner used cocaine while we were at a friends party after i asked him not to touch it. we had a huge fight and he agreed that he would never touch it again or i told him it would be over.
when oh has a drink he is a complete sheep and just follows what other people are doing. it was my birthday a couple of months ago and we got a rare night out with friends to celebrate. during the night my other half disappeared to play pool. he had to walk past our table to get to the loo. he was ages and it made me suspicious. anyway after 3 hours i was so bored i went to go and find him and he had white powder on his face. i asked him what the fuck it was and the bloke he was playing pool with and one of my friends said oh leave him alone have another drink!
he flatly denied using drugs so i believed him.
i went out with a close friend who was with us that night and asked her outright and she was snorting coke with my oh and this other bloke. i confronted oh and he admitted it! I'm gutted i cant believe he did it and on my birthday of all days. I'm so angry how can i trust him if the threat of loosing his family is not even enough to stop him. i look the biggest twat now and he hasn't even tried to make it up to me or anything he just says "well i know your angry and everything has been said that needs to be said". how the hell do i move on from this?

OP posts:
ShellyBoobs · 27/08/2011 10:30

TheSecondComing - "not sure if you mean me or if you think i was referring to coke and smack being the same thing"

I think the comment was referring to Salmotrutta who said "Cocaine (like heroin) can be addictive after just a few hits." Which isn't true, obviously.

CoteDAzur · 27/08/2011 10:31

Sardine - 3 hours probably means he did much more than one line, and cocke on his face suggests he was a bit out of it by the end.

CoteDAzur · 27/08/2011 10:31

coke, on his face, rather. I hope so, anyway.

SardineQueen · 27/08/2011 10:34

But in the bog for 3 hours? Who spends 3 hours in the bog?

I have never seen anyone wandering around with white powder on their faces. It goes up your nose and you check your face. White up the nose, sure. Compulsive sniffing, certainly. White powder on their face? Not so much, really not.

SardineQueen · 27/08/2011 10:35

I mean what kind of muppet would go and sit in the bog for 3 hours by themselves doing coke and getting it all over their face?

This man is not cool Grin

lolaflores · 27/08/2011 10:36

Not just the coke it is the unspeakable assholes that come with it and the territory it leads you into. You meet people that in the normal run of the world you would not cross the road to speak to. it is an illegal substance controlled by unpleasant people. The friends you acquire through coke use are not friends, they are people you met once. Some of them would sell their granny for a gram. Coke debases everything it comes near, step well clear of it. If he feels he can handle it, off ye go, but it is his choice, it doesn't have to be yours. Drop kicked father of my eldest for the exact reason. He got a clue later in life but it was too late and that is the price he paid.

My ex was immature and self centred also, but I was very naive and didn't spot the warning signs, or just ignored them. Don't waste time with ultimatiums, lines in the sand. Coke invades your life and alot of the time it will win, sorry to say. Take care of yourself and your kids, let him look out for himself.

SardineQueen · 27/08/2011 10:38

Sorry OP this isn't helpful. You have had lots of advice elsewhere. Personally I wouldn't get excited about two evenings on coke in however many years, and I wouldn't imagine that it meant anything more than very occasional recreational use.

However if you cannot abide drugs then you need to do what is right for you. If he sees a bit of coke every now and again as no problem then I think he is unlikely to stop, and will do it again some time.

SardineQueen · 27/08/2011 10:39

lola I used to buy my coke from a schoolteacher.

Smile
Thumbwitch · 27/08/2011 11:11

I don't think he spent 3 hours in the bog; I read it that he took a long time in the bog but then went back to play pool, and after 3 hours the OP was bored and went to find him and then saw the coke on his face.

SardineQueen · 27/08/2011 11:44

So is the problem partly that he pissed off to play pool for hours?

It isn't very clear what happened thumbwitch!

Thumbwitch · 27/08/2011 12:44

No I don't think that's the problem (although that wouldn't have been much fun on your birthday!). The problem is very clearly that the bloke took cocaine and lied about it, having promised that he would never do it again. And that last time he did this, the OP told him it was a dealbreaker - so now she has to decide whether to follow through on that or not.

I wouldn't be able to trust him at all - he's been caught out in a lie and doesn't seem to think it really matters, nor that he's done the cocaine after promising not to - so apparently he's not that bothered about the OP. :(

catgirl1976 · 27/08/2011 12:45

If her left her on her own for 3 hours on HER birthday then whether he was playing pool or snorting coke - he isn't very bothered about her at all :(

SardineQueen · 27/08/2011 14:03

But why sit there like a lemon for 3 hours?

I suppose the whole scenario just sounds a bit odd to me.

Thumbwitch · 27/08/2011 14:08

I don't think she was sitting on her own! it sounds like her DH and a couple of the friends they were out with went to play pool and she stayed chatting with the rest of the friends they were out with.
God, she'd have to be mad to sit on her own for that long while he's off elsewhere playing pool - no one would do that, surely?

TheSecondComing · 27/08/2011 14:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

IRCL · 27/08/2011 14:12

YANBU.

Would be a deal breaker for me to.

Are you going to follow through with your words though OP? Will it be over?

squeakytoy · 27/08/2011 14:15

I wouldnt have sat wondering where anyone was for THREE HOURS, I would have gone looking for them long before that...

aldiwhore · 27/08/2011 15:22

I hate coke, but if he's not buying it, and has simply snorted it at a party when you weren't around it wouldn't be a deal breaker for me.

You were unreasonable for saying 'never do it again' you should have said 'never pay for it or do it anywhere near me' as that is something you're reasonable to expect.

I used to love hash, but decided at a certain age that I didn't want it anymore (becoming a parent), that I wouldn't buy it anymore, and that I wouldn't do it as part and parcel of a night in/out anymore. I've been 'out' a few times when a joint's been passed round and off my own back, I've declined. I've also been out and had a toke or two and enjoyed it immensely, a one off, no damage done. Had that been something that would have destroyed my marriage, I'd have to not only question my failed 'promise' but the reasonable 'control' of my partner.

Some people CAN dabble, without becoming a nasty piece of work. You don't have to LIKE the fact he snorted some coke, but he didn't buy it, bring it home, and its not a habit, nor is it an out of contril habit.

I wouldn't like it, but to chuck away a whole relationship because of one good night out seems a little off.

slightlyunbalanced · 27/08/2011 15:51

cotedazur

Oh thats okay them if everyone takes coke with alcohol - that must mean its not dangerous and the medically proven facts are a load of bollocks. Hmm

Thats the attitude that kills those that do.

PreviouslyonLost · 27/08/2011 15:52

Agree with allofaboveposts on the whole...but why has no-one yet mentioned the effect it has on the old penis? Mr Floppy anyone? Experienced a coked-up Mr floppy once, naively assumed 'first night nerves'...WRONG.

Actually, come to think of it there was another similar incident (different Mr Penii) and trying to stuff a few inches of squishy flesh where it wanted to be was not pretty. Not being flippant, just ensuring all angles are covered.

catgirl1976 · 27/08/2011 15:53

It must be small % risk though slightly? Given the huge numbers of people who mix alchool and coke every day and the few deaths caused. As a 1 in xxxx statistic, I am assuming the xxx is huge. No comfort to those who do die in this way or their families of course but a small chance only?

maypole1 · 27/08/2011 16:02

To be honest I really rather think he never stopped taking it

He's been lying about his drug use I am with others get help or get out

And I wonder were is storing the drugs in your house no doubt, he would be spending money on it that he should be spending on your child He is lying to you hanging around with drug dealers

To be honest like another poster said lock off the drug friends.

By allowing a active drug user in your home you are putting your child at risk

He should get help or you should get rid those are the only two things that can now happen

slightlyunbalanced · 27/08/2011 16:02

I doubt the stats would be correct as the death would be put down to the alcohol rather than coke or vice versa, not the two combined.

Its the same with deaths from Ecstacy etc very very few people have actually died solely from Ecstacy - there is usually another drug coming into play.

www.guardian.co.uk/society/2009/nov/08/cocaine-alcohol-mixture-health-risks

catgirl1976 · 27/08/2011 16:03

I disagree -- to me it sounds like he doesn't buy it himself - just blags lines of his mates which they must be getting pretty fed up with

Combined with the lying and the leaving the OP on her own on her birthday makes him sound pretty selfish to me.

maypole1 · 27/08/2011 16:04

aldiwhore how dose she know he's not buying it he lied about taking it

Thats the problem with people who lie anything else cannot be believed

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