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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be upset with OH using cocaine

246 replies

maybells · 26/08/2011 22:54

we have been together for over 6 years and have a 21 mnth old ds. 4 years ago my partner used cocaine while we were at a friends party after i asked him not to touch it. we had a huge fight and he agreed that he would never touch it again or i told him it would be over.
when oh has a drink he is a complete sheep and just follows what other people are doing. it was my birthday a couple of months ago and we got a rare night out with friends to celebrate. during the night my other half disappeared to play pool. he had to walk past our table to get to the loo. he was ages and it made me suspicious. anyway after 3 hours i was so bored i went to go and find him and he had white powder on his face. i asked him what the fuck it was and the bloke he was playing pool with and one of my friends said oh leave him alone have another drink!
he flatly denied using drugs so i believed him.
i went out with a close friend who was with us that night and asked her outright and she was snorting coke with my oh and this other bloke. i confronted oh and he admitted it! I'm gutted i cant believe he did it and on my birthday of all days. I'm so angry how can i trust him if the threat of loosing his family is not even enough to stop him. i look the biggest twat now and he hasn't even tried to make it up to me or anything he just says "well i know your angry and everything has been said that needs to be said". how the hell do i move on from this?

OP posts:
CoteDAzur · 27/08/2011 16:11

slightly - Sorry but you sound a bit unhinged in your earlier post.

"Makes it OK?" is neither here nor there. What I said was that everybody uses cocaine with alcohol, for good reason. So your "I'd be concerned about anyone taking cocaine with alcohol" is a bit meaningless, because that would be all users of cocaine.

CoteDAzur · 27/08/2011 16:13

catgirl - What probably happens is that he sees friends have it and asks if he can share. Then he pays for his share.

catgirl1976 · 27/08/2011 16:15

true cote - but even that gets bloody annoying :)

SardineQueen · 27/08/2011 16:33

I find it amusing that one line of coke in a pub = active user involved in nefarious activity, lying to all and sundry to hide a serious habit, having a "stash" around the house and all that

This isn't pulp fiction it's a bloke who did a couple of lines on a friday night with his mates.

Now it's fine to be pissed off about that but the assumption that he must be doing it all the time and hiding it is simply silly.

mummymccar · 27/08/2011 16:38

OP - how are you doing today?

slightlyunbalanced · 27/08/2011 16:42

CoteDAzur - I said I don't think that a couple of lines of coke is a problem - unless being used with alcohol - I can't quite figure why you find that statement meaningless.

To state that "everyone" takes coke with alcohol is a bit of a generalisation anyway?! "Everyone" who drinks alcohol also takes Cocaine? Everyone in the world? quantify who "everyone" is?

You obviously have a need to prove a point - what that is is beyond me - clearly I am indeed "unhinged" Hmm

SardineQueen · 27/08/2011 16:55

IME most people who use cocaine use it with alcohol and / or other drugs.

Not every time they use it, but sometimes.

I think that was cote's point. That it's all well and good saying you'd be concerned about mixing it with alcohol but the fact is that's how most people use it so it doesn't warrant the extra concern IYSWIM as it is the usual way to use it.

SardineQueen · 27/08/2011 16:56

A bit like the fact that smoking while drinking alcohol increases risks.

However people don't say "I' especially concerned as they smoke when they have a drink" as that is the usual thing to do so not worth the comment.

slightlyunbalanced · 27/08/2011 17:05

Just becasue it is "usual" doesn't make it any less dangerous and a lot of people who do it don't realise the risks - that was my point.

Who decided to become the judge and jury of whether or not anyone elses point has any worth?

Speaking as an ex Drug and Alcohol Worker who has seen several young people die in this way this point actually means quite a lot to me.

I haven't known anyone die instantly from smoking and drinking at the same time though. Hmm.

Ephiny · 27/08/2011 17:11

It would be an absolute deal-breaker for me. It's illegal, stupid, dangerous and very ethically dubious in my opinion. And lying to you is not on either.

Also, someone who behaves like a 'sheep' and just does whatever his mates are doing, with no ability to think for himself or have any standards or values of his own - not someone I can imagine having much in common with in the first place.

MoreCrackThanHarlem · 27/08/2011 17:14

I agree with secondcoming.

Lots of hysteria on this thread wrt recreational drug taking.
'hooked after two hits'
'5gs before she gets out of bed'
'By allowing a active drug user in your home you are putting your child at risk'. Errr, how exactly?

Dialsmavis · 27/08/2011 17:18

YANBU. I wouldn't care but you do and he has been really disrespectful to you.... I would do some myself if they produced a fair trade version

CoteDAzur · 27/08/2011 17:20

slightly - re"I don't think that a couple of lines of coke is a problem - unless being used with alcohol - I can't quite figure why you find that statement meaningless."

Because you still don't get that cocaine is overwhelmingly used with alcohol. Especially those who do it seldom do it with alcohol. That is how it is done. You wouldn't know why if you've never done it, I suppose. Maybe you should try to Google a Guardian article about that, too.

By the way, the Guardian article you linked to re alcohol & cocaine talks about habitual use over decades. Not a few lines in several years, whether taken with alcohol or not.

"To state that "everyone" takes coke with alcohol is a bit of a generalisation anyway?! "Everyone" who drinks alcohol also takes Cocaine?"

Of course not.

Let me introduce you to logic: A may be B, B doesn't have to be A. Oranges are fruits, but not all fruits are oranges. Google it - it's true Hmm

Dialsmavis · 27/08/2011 17:21

Everyone does do it with alcohol.

exoticfruits · 27/08/2011 17:23

It would be 'the sheep' bit that would do it for me. As an adult,and more importantly a father, I would expect him not to follow the crowd. Like Ephiny, it would be a deal breaker for me-it shows an inadequate personality.

Children do as you do, and not as you say. I am quite happy to take mine to the pub for a drink when they are old enough-in fact I hope that we can have many happy social occasions-I wouldn't be happy to introduce them to my drug dealer and snort cocaine in the toilet. If you don't want your DC to do this when a teenager it is deeply hypocritical. (if you are relaxed about it and want your DC to do it, then I suppose there is no problem).
I would however get them to read my link that I gave earlier so they can really see the misery the trade causes in places like Columbia-for selfish people who couldn't give a dam about other people's DCs (or won't even consider what it does to water supplies, fish, soil erosion etc.) -and want to line the pockets of criminals.

maypole1 · 27/08/2011 17:24

MoreCrackThanHarlem - ring ss and tell them you have a small child and live with some one who regularly uses coke see how that gooses down

But I am sure your right they will just say oh well and wish you luck

exoticfruits · 27/08/2011 17:25

I would do some myself if they produced a fair trade version

Exactly-it ruins the livelihoods of the poor, they get no money for it- but it sure makes the undeserving rich!!

CoteDAzur · 27/08/2011 17:25

Yes, Sardine, thank you.

SardineQueen · 27/08/2011 17:32

slightly, presumably as this is your area of expertise you are aware of the combination effect of alcohol and nicotine on the brain and the fact that it increases various risk factors.

I am not sure whether the fact that it increases the risk of death now or later invalidates the point TBH.

TheSecondComing · 27/08/2011 17:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

slightlyunbalanced · 27/08/2011 17:38

Well - you are missing my point. I said its not that dangerous unless you do it with alcohol - if the world and his wife did it with alcohol it would still be a really dangerous thing to do - the quantity of people doing it doesn't make it any less dangerous. If 2000 people jumped off a cliff it would be as dangerous as one person jumping off a cliff.

I think its really sad that there are that many ignorant people who think becasue "everyone" does it with alcohol that means its not that dangerous. Actually it is and if you read the article properly and to the end you will see it covers heart attacks (and an increase) of in the under 40s.

Have a row with me if you want and it makes you feel good on an internet forum - I just think its important that people know that the two drugs are really dangerous to mix - and having been at the thick end of it for 6 years I know its a fact.

Yes I do get it I have worked with hundreds of addicts Hmm and where did I ever say I don't understand why people do it or in fact state I have never done it myself?! Its still bloody dangerous which is a fact you seem to be for some inexpicable reason - disputing.

paddypoopants · 27/08/2011 17:40

I actually think the fact he hasn't said he is sorry and is refusing to talk about it anymore despite the fact you are really upset about it is more worrying than the odd line of cocaine. Just shutting down the conversation with "well i know your angry and everything has been said that needs to be said" means you will never sort this out satisfactorily. Does he know that drug use maybe a deal breaker for you? Or does he just give a flying fuck?

paddypoopants · 27/08/2011 17:40

oops -Just not give a flying fuck- obviously.

SardineQueen · 27/08/2011 17:45

"if the world and his wife did it with alcohol it would still be a really dangerous thing to do"

The world and his wife pretty much are as far as I can see

"I think its really sad that there are that many ignorant people who think becasue "everyone" does it with alcohol that means its not that dangerous."

Who said that? Someone said that it is not a very high risk. They were right, it is not a very high risk. No-one has said that it is risk free.

WelliesAndABrolly · 27/08/2011 17:45

thesecondcoming - I love your laid back attitude - you only have a few friends who are alcoholics or heroin addicts! Wow, that's brilliant, my rather uptight attititude on drugs has left me with plenty of friends but none who are addicts or alcoholics. You definitely have the right attitude, I'll be taking my parenting advice from you from now on Hmm