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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

All this talk of NRP who can't be bothered to see their kids....

115 replies

worraliberty · 26/08/2011 19:12

I'm thinking that on MN, we read a lot about NRPs (yes, mainly Dads) who 'can't be bothered' to have contact with their kids.

We also often read people saying "Oh I've never stopped him..never made it awkward..he just doesn't bother with contact"...and..."He never pays a penny in maintenance"

But just as often (probably) we read people saying "My DP would love contact with his kids but his ex makes it awkward"...or..."My DP pays maintenance for his kids as he'd never see them go without".

So where are the partners of all these NRPs who don't pay a penny and never bother with their kids?

I'm not a very mathematical person (lord knows) but it's quite disproportionate is it not?

So AIBU to wonder if some people are either too embarrassed to admit their DP doesn't bother with their kids from previous relationships, or if their DPs are fibbing to them and pretending their ex makes it too awkward?

OP posts:
LineRunner · 26/08/2011 19:16

Worra, I think a poster on the other thread made the very good point that no absent father is going to say to his gf, 'Oh I can't be bothered to see my kids.' They are going to claim that it's being made too difficult by the ExP. I gues it's in the gf's interests to believe this about the new love of her life.

Some absent fathers play this game to the extent, as I've said elsewhere, that they even go for contact orders that they are fully intending to ignore.

Mitmoo · 26/08/2011 19:18

You get both, but it is the ones who think they've had a raw deal who will post.

You won't hear a resident parent saying "that fantastic Non resident Parent left me for OW, he can screw himself if he thinks he's seeing his kids again, I'll punish the W**ker even if it hurts my kids"

Nor will you get useless feckless non resident parents saying "My ex is begging me to see the kids because they're heartbroken that I can't be arsed with them, but hey I've got a social life to worry about and that takes up all of my money"

I believe it is the genuinely aggrieved who will post whether that be Resident Parent or Non Resident Parent.

Original poster
worraliberty · 26/08/2011 19:18

Ahh good point LineRunner....I only read a bit of that thread.

But by the same token, surely once you've been with your DP for quite a few years, that lie would out itself?

OP posts:
silverfrog · 26/08/2011 19:19

dh is a NRP.

he has always paid maintenance (and I know this to be true), and has had shedloads of hassle trying to keep in contact with his children over theyears...

I can see what you are saying, the numbers don't add up.

but why, in your summation, do yuo not mention the fibbing RPs, who may either be receiving far more maintenance than they are letting on (happened to dh), or are far more awkward than they let on (also happened to dh)?

Original poster
worraliberty · 26/08/2011 19:20

True Mitmoo but even in general 'chit chat' on all the threads...I've still never seen anyone admit their DP can't be arsed with the kids he has with his ex.

OP posts:
muminthecity · 26/08/2011 19:21

I may be a bit biased, but I'd imagine that most men who can't be arsed to see their DC are filthy lying bastards. I know my Ex likes to tell people that I am an evil witch who refuses to let him see his DD. Doesn't tell them that he walked away several times, beat me up and chose not to have contact with DD, oh no. Because then people might actually see him for the cunt that he is.

Original poster
worraliberty · 26/08/2011 19:22

Well that's another good point silverfrog but I guess that's because I have read a fair few posts from RPs admitting they've curtailed access due to all sorts of reasons...some of them quite petty at times imo.

OP posts:
Original poster
worraliberty · 26/08/2011 19:23

I get that muminthecity but I still think it's disproportionate because surely after years and years the lies would come out?

OP posts:
Mitmoo · 26/08/2011 19:25

Worra no one will want to admit they are with someone who is a crap parent, whether that be RP or NRP. Those who can't be arsed wont feel the need to post.

My theory is that most aggrieved RPs and NRPs are genuine but if it is the new partners who are posting to start from a stance of them believing what their partners are telling them and being more sceptical.

My ex would do a good job of tears at his victim status after I left, never once telling those he was blabbing too he was a thoroughly feckless father. I can't blame people for believing the lies, I fell for them often enough until I got wise

QueenOfFeckingEverything · 26/08/2011 19:25

LineRunner has it.

I fell for it once, when young and daft Blush

Ex told me the whole shebang, a big sob story about how gutted he was that his ex had taken their DD away, all she cared about was getting money out of him, he wasn't allowed to see her etc etc.

We had a baby together, he fucked off and left me when she was two. He told the teenage girl he left me for exactly the same shit about me. They had a baby together. He fucked off and left her...

Now, he has at least 3 DC that he doesn't bother with or contribute anything (practical or financial) towards Angry and yet him, and his mother, and no doubt the woman he is currently shacked up with Hmm still don't see that HE is the common denominator here and continue to believe his victim crap.

TheProvincialLady · 26/08/2011 19:26

In my limited personal experience, the only fathers not seeing their DC after a relationship breakdown are the ones who are feckless, selfish tossers who let their children down repeatedly despite every effort made by the mother. And don't pay maintenance, or at best it's patchy.

LineRunner · 26/08/2011 19:28

I agree with muminthecity. People who have walked out on their kids for a better social life, or who see them less often than they could/should do because they are busy enjoying a certain social life, are likely to lie about that.

They might even deceive a new partner into believing the lie by 'seeing a solicitor' (or endlessly talking about 'seeing a solicitor') or even getting a fucking useless contact order.

These people are bloody dangerous. But they are good at deceit.

muminthecity · 26/08/2011 19:29

I agree with TPL. Any father who is desperate to see his children, can do so. It may involve a lot of hassle/time/money/court cases etc, but it's almost always possible.

Original poster
worraliberty · 26/08/2011 19:30

I suspect there will be a few MNers quizzing their DPs tonight Grin

OP posts:
QueenOfFeckingEverything · 26/08/2011 19:30

Yep - ex goes to a solicitor every now and then, and in retrospect it does seem to coincide with the times I know he has a new girlfriend. He omits to tell them that he'd be welcome to see his DD if he took the radical step of, um, communicating with me and committing to regular times Hmm

AlpinePony · 26/08/2011 19:31

A 'friend' drunkenly confessed to me about 10 years ago that he had a 12 year old daughter he never saw. I spoke to his gf (my best friend) about this, she didn't know what I was talking about and he denied it. She accused me of trying to split them up and our friendship deteriorated. They married, I doubt the daughter was invited.

LineRunner · 26/08/2011 19:31

QueenOfFE, I shivered when I just read your post. I'm just really sorry you went through that crap.

ShirleyKnot · 26/08/2011 19:32

YES. I think it's fairly reasonable to imagine that if someone is enough of a shitsponge to not bother seeing their children, that they're probably going to lie their arses off about it.

Original poster
worraliberty · 26/08/2011 19:32

Alpine what a shit Sad

OP posts:
LineRunner · 26/08/2011 19:35

Oh, and these absent parents are awfully good at making sure that the new partner rarely get to know the RP.

They only really get found out when the kids grow up. Although I think the convoluted lies the kids are meant to accept from the NRP on this weird 'journey' are very emotionally damaging, actually.

Mitmoo · 26/08/2011 19:36

MUMinthecity it's not the case, court orders are easy enough to flout/ignore as the ultimate sanction is moving residence from RP to NRP. When the NRP is doing it for show they don't want full time residency and courts rarely do it either.

That said, many NRPs who don't bother with their kids havent even exhausted the court procedures because they CBA and it's a game to them.

janetsplanet · 26/08/2011 19:38

i really dont know how my exes partner stays with him. He missed 2 court dates about contact. then when it was sorted, he broke the contact order twice in the first 2 weeks. She called me and said that I wouldnt be getting the £50 per month anymore (before i went to CSA). He threatened to kidnap youngest and turned up to get her. I get phonecalls every few weeks when hes drunk. He has emailed eldest and called him a bastard and no son of his blah blah.
She went on my daughters facebook and wrote 'ha ha we are going to alton towers for a fun day out and you arnt'

how the hell can a woman do this?

QueenOfFeckingEverything · 26/08/2011 19:38

LineRunner - going through that leaves one somewhat dubious about half baked claims of 'not being allowed' to see DC, that's for sure.

RitaMorgan · 26/08/2011 19:38

My ex gave me the whole spiel about how he wanted to see his dc, she wouldn't let him blah blah blah. Turned out even his mum had contact so he could have seen them any time - I even overheard him on the phone to his ex a couple of times giving completely fabricated excuses as to why he couldn't see the dc.

Yet on the few occasions he did see them, he would be almost in tears in the pub later telling his mates how amazing it was, how much he loved the kids, how cruel the ex was to keep them apart (and lapping up the sympathetic beers too!).

Doubt he ever paid a penny in maintenance.

tralalala · 26/08/2011 19:39

There are some really shitty men out there.

But there are also a lot of women who know that the law works in their favour and use their children as a weapon.

just watch Jeremy Kyle (or perhaps don't bother!).

My DH has had years of his ex playing games with contact, though since DSS was a teenager he arranges it all direct and it's been much better.

A solicitor told him that when his ex deciced that she was going to move to australia that DH would probably not have any say in the matter despite looking after DSS 3 days a week. Luckily she never did.

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