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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

All this talk of NRP who can't be bothered to see their kids....

115 replies

worraliberty · 26/08/2011 19:12

I'm thinking that on MN, we read a lot about NRPs (yes, mainly Dads) who 'can't be bothered' to have contact with their kids.

We also often read people saying "Oh I've never stopped him..never made it awkward..he just doesn't bother with contact"...and..."He never pays a penny in maintenance"

But just as often (probably) we read people saying "My DP would love contact with his kids but his ex makes it awkward"...or..."My DP pays maintenance for his kids as he'd never see them go without".

So where are the partners of all these NRPs who don't pay a penny and never bother with their kids?

I'm not a very mathematical person (lord knows) but it's quite disproportionate is it not?

So AIBU to wonder if some people are either too embarrassed to admit their DP doesn't bother with their kids from previous relationships, or if their DPs are fibbing to them and pretending their ex makes it too awkward?

OP posts:
OrganicFreeRangeBoys · 26/08/2011 19:39

My partner is a NRP.

He pay's maintenance. And has done every month since he and the ex wife split up. (I know he pays because it comes out of the Joint account and I can see it going out)

He has been to court 3x already this year to re-gain access as the ex keeps stopping it.

Her reason: Beacause I can and there's nothing you can do about it. (yes he has text messages off her saying this)

There are lots of RP's who are evil, there's lots of deadbeat dads who couldn't give a toss.

I'm hoping that the NRP deadbeat dad's don't have new girlfriends/wifes due to woman seeing him for what he actually is, therefore we won't hear from the partner, or Yes, they are just embarrassed or hate the fact that their boyfriend/husband had a wife and child/ren before them and automatically hate the ex and go along with DBD's lies about how evil she is etc etc.

Who know's, but it would be nice to occasional hear a story where dad pay's his maintenance every week and has a good relationship with his children because their mother know's it's in their best interests. (or of course vice versa)

QueenOfFeckingEverything · 26/08/2011 19:40

Oh, well, since he left I have met the mother of his older DC through mutual friends. He went slightly pale when I told him that Grin. She is lovely, not a violent illiterate harridan as he told me. We send each others' DC things for birthdays now (more than they get from their father Hmm)

Original poster
worraliberty · 26/08/2011 19:40

OMG janetsplanet that's fucking unbelievable Shock Angry

OP posts:
Mitmoo · 26/08/2011 19:40

Linerunner what do you make of a father who wont introduce his child to his new partner after three years?

The only reason I can think of is the child will come out with what a useless piece of crap he was to the NP or not so new partner now and he can't risk it. He has built a myth that would be blown apart. Thats my theory anyway but I think it is weird for a NRP not to introduce his child to an established parther.

Kladdkaka · 26/08/2011 19:44

The only contact my ex has had with my daughter in 17 years was a letter when she was 9ish telling her he thought about her every day but hadn't had time to see her as he was moving house, signed Daddy. Hmm

LineRunner · 26/08/2011 19:45

Can I just say thank you for allowing me to be on a thread where I have been believed.

Thank you. Smile

janetsplanet · 26/08/2011 19:46

the last time he had contact, i found out that he wasnt using a booster seat for eldest girl (by law she needed one and I had provided one). his excuse - partners grandaughter doesnt need one so why should DD?
i told him they would not be going in the car untill he replaced the 'lost' booster seat. That was that. no contact since.

in court, i had to suggest activities he could do with the kids - they ended up being given the laptop and tv remote for 6 hours. Son got dog poo in their house (from their garden) and he was called a fucking idiot for trailing it upstairs

maypole1 · 26/08/2011 19:46

To be honest my dd friends mum makes no bones about the fact the guy she is seeing has 7 children from five women and dose not see any of them

Because as he puts it conspireing bitches would are all agaisnt him

Mean while he buys her kids blackberry for Christmas and a xbox motion she has 4 children

He takes her youngest to football every Sunday and he call him uncle

Also my own ex was telling his family he was giving me £150 a month and it was I that wouldn't let him see dd

Not until he left dd alone overnight with step sister did they see what a fuck wad he is

Original poster
worraliberty · 26/08/2011 19:47

What do you mean LineRunner? Do people not normally believe your situation?

OP posts:
Original poster
worraliberty · 26/08/2011 19:50

Janet He's a prize fucking tosser by the sound of him Sad

OP posts:
LineRunner · 26/08/2011 19:51

Worra, I detect sometimes a certain scepticism!

maypole1 · 26/08/2011 19:51

To be honest I have read several threads asking about how they can get their oh out of paying cm PR get it lowered because they have their own family and how unfair it is that their money is going to someone else's kids.

Original poster
worraliberty · 26/08/2011 19:56

Ahhh I see LineRunner

maypole yep, I've read a few of those too

OP posts:
maypole1 · 26/08/2011 19:57

To be honest as long as these womens kids are ok they don't usually give a fuck about about the children that were their first

Until they themselves get left my exs new squeeze was positively smug about everything

Well lets just say a eviction and a couple years on She is not so smug

janetsplanet · 26/08/2011 20:01

i know more about exes partner than he does.
she took her sons dad to court for sexual abuse on her daughter. he was cleared. turns out he would put the girls acne cream on her back cos 'mum' wouldnt do it. her family stood by HIM.
whilst on a holiday to florida with the sons dad, she got friends to clear the house out and dumped the fella in USA

maypole1 · 26/08/2011 20:01

Like the person I know as long as her kids are getting stuff she not interested in any one else

But for me its usually a warning sighn any man who has lots of children he never sees is always a bit dodgy to me whatever story he spins me

Also men who try and hit on women when they have a tinny baby of a baby on they way the fact their trying to get their end a way and not sort out the task in hand says a lot

Once dated a guy I was asking him if he had kids as well, he was like sort of I was like well what do you mean

He was like well it should be born any day now

I was out of their

herbietea · 26/08/2011 20:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Original poster
worraliberty · 26/08/2011 20:17

herbietea did the courts do nothing about it?

OP posts:
Dohsex · 26/08/2011 20:23

my ex sees his dc once every 5 weeks or so. He says he can't afford the petrol more often than that (he moved 2 hours away). Although he earns a decent wage and has afforded weekends away in Italy, an iphone, smokes, drinks etc etc Hmm I've begged him to see them more often. I've even paid him to come here Blush

i'm sure he hasn't told his new gf that he once lied for over a year that he wasn't working so as to avoid paying child support. I'm sure he hasn't told her that he owes me over £5k in child support. I'm sure she doesn't know that he never offers to have the dc in holidays/half terms etc even though I work and have to take holiday, never offers to split the time with me. Never keeps enough holiday to attend their christmas plays, its one day for gods sake Hmm etc etc etc.

I'm assuming she knows nothing of this because surely if she did she'd dump him for being a total wanker????????

Claw3 · 26/08/2011 20:23

I have 3 children and two ex's.

2 ds's by 1st ex, who hasnt paid a penny in 13 years. He has contact.

1 ds's by 2nd ex, who hasnt paid a penny towards his ds with SN's in over a year. He has no contact. I stopped contact when my ex refused to bring my ds home after a visit, told him im going to stab mummy and sent me over 50 abusive text messages in an hour. The police had to get involved.

I shouldnt imagine 2nd ex, is going to tell any new partner the reasons why he doesnt see his son. I should imagine he will tell her 'i stopped him from seeing his son'

There are people like this out there!

signothetimes · 26/08/2011 20:26

My ex is a muddle of contradiction. He's a great dad, when he makes the effort. But rarely makes the effort. Current pattern of contact goes along the lines of 6/8/10 weeks between contact. Longest is 3 months. He took DD on holiday in July, having not seen or spoken to her since mid April before that, and I genuinely thought he would turn a corner and go back to his 'old self' and actually want to see DD more frequently. But, nope, he's reverted to type and last saw DD I think now 4/5 weeks ago? I don't even keep count now.

His reasons for such sporadic contact? Well, he has a fiance who he sees every week, I suspect more than once a week. Works full time, so in his mind, he has little or no time to see DD. He also resents paying maintenance, so having no money 'cos I've taken it all, is another excuse as to why he can't see DD (it's costs him a whole £1 on the bus for her, he gets free bus travel Hmm)He also has a social life he enjoys. He won't commit to future contact as he wants to be able to accept invites wherever, rather than have to turn them down 'cos he's supposed to be seeing DD. He has a pathalogical stubbornness/avoidance towards anything I ask of him, be it committing to a pattern of contact, no matter what I suggest, or contributing towards anything financially. I suspect the main reason he doesn't have much to do with DD other than occasional contact is outside interference from 'people' he is now close to, who have been there before and who did feck all for their kids. He's a sap for listening to people who seem to encourage this apathy about his own child, as he seems to see it as a way to have a dig at me. What he doesn't seem to realise is, no matter what he does has an effect on his relationship with DD, and him not seeing her doesn't annoy me as much as he thinks it does. It just makes me sad that DD won't have the relationship with her dad that she deserves, and that she once had in the not so distant past. There is an element of being released from that pressure of day to day responsibility that some parents seem to revel in, and take it to extremes i.e. enjoy it so much, they avoid anything remotely resembling taking responsibility. He doesn't even phone her in between contact, mainly because she's now old enough to ask him when he'll see her next, and he hates being put on the spot where he has to confirm he'll see her. He did do this occasionally, but then he'd text me an excuse, and I'd have to let DD down. Now he just avoids any communication with her, so as to not have even her pin him down.

Ultimately, it's all about being selfish, and every other explanation really pales into insignificance when you try and break it down or analyse it.

All my own theories about my ex, not sure how much of this applies to others in the same situation.

InnocentRedhead · 26/08/2011 20:29

DP is a NRP (through choice so he could go back to work - and she said she was 'ready to be a mum')

Some of you seem to say the the RP doesn't make it difficult and the NRP just says that so they don't have to admit they 'can't be bothered' How is this for a situation... DPs ex she offered DP 20k to get out of his DDs life and since he refused - she has made it so difficult by not turning up for drop offs, not answering the phone to discuss drop offs, abusing down the phone when she does answer (and now she has found out i am PG she has stopped contact all together saying that my DP 'won't want his DD anymore because he will have another( I MEAN WTF like she is a toy?!?!) However because DP is the NRP he has no legal rights... Whereas DDs mother has all the rights in the world and one day because she 'couldn't be bothered to pick her up' (her words not ours) she called the police and told them to do a search and recovery!

Now i know this may be an isolated case, but it just shows you that it does happen the other way. DP has exhausted the court system, but because it is the only hope that he has, he is going back... to fight for his DD this time.
So please think before you say that NRPs arent willing to see their children, look at all those that are fighting to see their daughter, and please take a second to consider those.

Spero · 26/08/2011 20:33

I think some people are very good at lying to themselves. There are resident parents who are petty and unreasonable and who stop contact for no good reason but tell themselves it is for the best - and there are NRP who spin a big sob story about not being allowed, when the reality is that their children are just not their priority but they have enough nous to realise that this won't go down too well with new girlfriends etc.

My ex has been saying he will be back from Australia for three years now! I have finally accepted he won't ever come back and he will only see his daughter a few weeks a year. I don't know how he can bear it but it suits him.

There are selfish horrible people on both sides of the divide. The tragedy is that they can put up a good enough front to be initially charming so that you fall in love, have a baby etc. Then the mask slips and you realise that they are hollow and selfish. But of course they don't want the new girlfriend to find out immediately.

AyeRobot · 26/08/2011 20:42

Those with partners/husbands who are NRPs - did any of them go for sole or 50/50 residency after the split?

LineRunner · 26/08/2011 20:45

Spero, I too don't know how my ExP can bear to see his own DC so infrequently when he could see them half of every week/month/year.