All this talk of NRP who can't be bothered to see their kids....

[worraliberty]

I'm thinking that on MN, we read a lot about NRPs (yes, mainly Dads) who 'can't be bothered' to have contact with their kids.

We also often read people saying "Oh I've never stopped him..never made it awkward..he just doesn't bother with contact"...and..."He never pays a penny in maintenance"

But just as often (probably) we read people saying "My DP would love contact with his kids but his ex makes it awkward"...or..."My DP pays maintenance for his kids as he'd never see them go without".

So where are the partners of all these NRPs who don't pay a penny and never bother with their kids?

I'm not a very mathematical person (lord knows) but it's quite disproportionate is it not?

So AIBU to wonder if some people are either too embarrassed to admit their DP doesn't bother with their kids from previous relationships, or if their DPs are fibbing to them and pretending their ex makes it too awkward?

LineRunner its unfortunate that I know that only too well.
My DC gives DH Fathers day cards,To Dad on his birthday/xmas cards.She calls him Dad through her own choice.Her real dad is called by his first name.

She came running in a while ago telling me that her daddy is bringing her to the roller disco with her two friends and saying hes the best dad in the world.In my own head I said to myself the entrance fee (?4) is more than your father has paid in 10 years.

It does seem disproportionate, but as others have said the one's who can't be arsed to see their kids or are in reality stopping their exes from having contact are far less likely to post about it.

When I met DH he told me about DSD straight away. He also told me his ex was a complete bitch and his nickname for her was "The Beast". Even though I was young I was also a staunch feminist and quite sceptical. I though he was probably laying blame at her feet for no reason other than to cover his own guilt for leaving. Turns out she actually is a bitch (putting it mildly) and his nickname was quite appropriate actually. I'm not saying that as someone who has had the wool pulled over their eyes either.

17 years later, DSD is all grown up, has lived with us since the age of 9 and barely has any contact with her mum, who she will introduce to people as her "biological mother P" she also calls her by her first name. She hasn't given her mother a mother's day card since she was little, she will give mother's day cards to both me and her grandmother. Her mother is also a complete liar, and would tell everyone that DH left her for me ( not true, she was the one who continually cheated), that he never gave her child support, (again not true), that he hit, (partly true - he restrained her arms whilst she was punching the crap out of him) etc etc.

Not all NRP are twats, not all RP are saintly, at the same time that some NRP are twats and some RP are practically saintly. We only hear about it from the parent who has to put up with the trouble because they are the one's more likely to ask for advice.

I'm on wikivorce and there are pretty much two types of posters:

RPs who are struggling to get maintenance.
NRPs who are having difficulty getting contact with their children.

RPs who get child support and have good contact arrangements don't post.
NRPs who have decent contact don't post.

Obviously there are more varied posts, but this seems to be the theme.

RPs who make contact difficult don't really shout about it. ( and they do exist)
NRPs likewise with lack of money and not turning up for visits.

I'd like to think decent NRPs outnumber the bad ones, and the same with RPs.

Bumwiper, when my ex took me to Court very similar situation to yours, kids wanted to see him, he didnt bother for 2 years, then took me to Court claiming i was stopping him for having contact, when he decided he did want to see them. I phoned him literally every couple of weeks during those 2 years, telling him the kids were desperate to see him. Various excuses, no where to live because i had made him homeless, to busy with work, why should he babysit so i could out etc, etc

He lied through his teeth in Court to get his own way, he said he HAD contact with them for those 2 years, he said he didnt drive, he said he had a bad knee making him incapable of picking the kids up or dropping them off or driving or taking them to football practise on his weekend, he claimed he was not working and got legal aid.

He had a car and could and was driving, he drove to the Court ffs! There is nothing wrong with knee, i saw the hospital letter giving him the all clear after he broke it years and years before. He was working, he was self employed and had just bought a house. None of this was checked, they just took his word for it.

The court ordered that the kids didnt play football on his weekends, he got every other weekend, half of all holidays, every other Christmas.

The Court ordered that i had to take the kids to him and pick them up again, when i pointed out that he hadnt paid a penny in child support and had left me in thousands of pounds worth of debt, i was told this had nothing to do with the family Court, they are just there to sort out access arrangements and nothing else. They also totally ignored the Court Welfare Officers report.

I had to sell my car to pay off the debt and pay to take the children to and from his via 3 buses, while his BMW sat on the drive!!

He didnt want half of any holidays, he didnt want Christmas, so he took me to Court so he didnt have to bother taking the kids football and i had to pick up and drop off!!

Sorry that was long, my point being, people lie and are believed in Court !!

I have it from both sides.

DS1's father plays a stupid game where he pretends to be interested in seeing him only to then change his mind. Pretended to leave the country and worked under his brothers name to avoid paying the CSA.

Then I have DP

Who bent over backwards to see his DS2 only to be faced with obsticles in the way. Not being allowed to take him out unless we bought him new shoes/trainers/trousers/games/to theme parks etc. Yet he paid £100 per month and bought his sons uniform. This continued until the day DSS2 told DP - "if you don't buy me an electric guitar for christmas I don't want to see you anymore and mum agrees with me". DP still sent cards, money etc and it was all returned.

2 nrp but with very different stories, both just as sad.

Claw3 you poor thing (((hugs))) to you.

I have ex's mother on side.She is disgusted with her sons behaviour.And with DC being 10 her experiences will be brought into account.

Of course with the court system here she will probably be in uni before it gets there.I brought her up for 4 years by myself and 6 with DH.Truth be told I don't want her father to come back into her life if all he is going to do is upset her.

claw i agree that people lie in court but lets remember that its not just the men....

www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-2030507/Father-falsely-accused-paedophile-little-girl-ex-wife-reveals-deeply-disturbing-story.html

Thanks Bumwiper, that was years ago, my eldest was 7 years old at the time, he is now 18 and my other boy is 15!! The Court Welfare Officers report of the children's views was ignored, but they were younger than your DD.

Things might have changed since then, but i was told the Family Court are not interested in CS or lack of it and if ex had broken an order, i should take him back to court seperately. They were also not interested in any debt i was left in or whether he had a car or could drive or any of the other lies he told, even though these did affect the Court order!

In fact i was told to stop disputing what he was saying, as it made me look 'bitter'. The Court told me we were there purely to make access arrangements.

Kids will eventually make up their own minds, as they get older. My boys dont have a very high opinon of their dad and have little to do with him now, which is such a shame, things could have turned out so differently. Still his loss. Glad you have the support of your ex mil

Glitterkitten, thats the second time i have been reminded of that, thank you! My post said people lie in Court, not men lie in Court.

Im sure there are women who lie, im not disputing that, i was just telling of my experience.

Whoah, sorry claw, I've dipped in and our of here and confess to not having read all the posts! That's me told! I qanat having a dig.

wasn't

My exH pays maintenance (and a substantial amount at that) regularly but gradually over the 6 years since he left has little/no contact with the children.

Last year he saw them once, but did talk on the phone to them every now and then. This year he has not rung to wish them Happy Birthday or sent a card and since April he has refused to answer calls from them or myself. It is his birthday on Monday and the kids want to phone him - I wonder if he will answer.

He is OK as I checked with his brother who has contact with him.

I have tried everything to maintain contact - at Christmas his present was a large professional photo of them, I don't want him to forget them. At the moment it is easier to forget about him as it causes the children too much pain when he doesn't answer.

Glitterkitten no worries, i wasnt having a dig either!

I must sound really bitter and twisted and a bit of a man hater or something, i told my story on another thread and someone else pointed it out to me that its not just men I havent had any children with a woman to balance my story out though im afraid!