All this talk of NRP who can't be bothered to see their kids....

[worraliberty]

I'm thinking that on MN, we read a lot about NRPs (yes, mainly Dads) who 'can't be bothered' to have contact with their kids.

We also often read people saying "Oh I've never stopped him..never made it awkward..he just doesn't bother with contact"...and..."He never pays a penny in maintenance"

But just as often (probably) we read people saying "My DP would love contact with his kids but his ex makes it awkward"...or..."My DP pays maintenance for his kids as he'd never see them go without".

So where are the partners of all these NRPs who don't pay a penny and never bother with their kids?

I'm not a very mathematical person (lord knows) but it's quite disproportionate is it not?

So AIBU to wonder if some people are either too embarrassed to admit their DP doesn't bother with their kids from previous relationships, or if their DPs are fibbing to them and pretending their ex makes it too awkward?

My XP's latest g/f told a close friend of mine that My b/f doesn't see his DD because his x is a bitch and has stopped him seeing DD because she don't like him going out with me

That's pretty much it word for word.

XP's previous g/f was told the same thing, but accompanied him to court and contact, and she admitted to me after they split that she was surprised I always turned up for contact because she didn't expect me to

The thought of not turning up for contact had never crossed my mind.

Linerunner, it is so upsetting for the children especially when they are old enough to realise.

My now 18 year old, asked his dad to buy him a pair of trainers when he was about 12 years old (bearing in mind his dad hadnt paid any CS for 7 years at the time and still doesnt) his dad said he couldnt afford it. My ds asked me in a sarky tone 'how comes he can afford to buy a house, race go-carts, restore classic cars, but he cant afford a pair of trainers' My 18 year old regards his father as a bit of a 'dick head' and has little time for him now.

Even a few weeks ago my 15 year old was staying at his dad, his dad gave his step son money for a haircut, but my ds had to come home and get the money from me, so he and his step-brother could go and get a haircut. His step-brother then stayed at ours for lunch, dinner and a sleepover!!

How some people can be so downright mean to children, i just cannot understand. Even sadder is the fact they will end up alienating their own children.

Line and Claw - I think that won't apply in this case. Although he paid the mortgage it was all in her name before they married so I don't know if that counts (she doesn't think so). 10% of the equity that he's paid into is not much for all the hours he's put in. It's not her fault either it's just she is much better with money. I think he's screwed and it'll all go tit's up fairly soon.

He gets whatever he has contributed to the mortgage + a share of the profit based on the contributions, whether its in joint names or not.

So if by the time the are not in full time education, if he has contributed 10%, he will get that back, plus 10% of the profit. So he is actually making money out of it eventually.

Tell him to look at it as a long term investment, his children get a roof over their head and he gets his money back, plus interest. Doesnt sound like a bad deal to me.

Nothing, best let the court decide, rather than us guess on here.

I think the reason the numbers don't add up is

a) because lots of men simply lie and lots of dumb fucks women believe them unquestionably, until the moment that the fucker does it to them

b) because mumsnet is no more representative of the general population than the Jeremy Kyle show is.

I kind of assume that women who post on mumsnet tend to be interested and involved enough in the welfare of children, that they are motivated enough to post here to learn and get support to parent decently. They will therefore a) not be the harridan of popular mythology, who denies access to her children's father for no good reason and b) will not be partnered up with deadbeat dads.

The ones who are harridan access deniers and the ones who are married to deadbeat dads (a much larger number, incidentally), are probably over on netmums on another site or on the Jeremy Kyle show, or just in their houses being harridans and deadbeat dad supporters and not chatting on Mumsnet.

Or everyone is lying. That's another possibility I suppose.

Sorry yes i should have added i not a legal expert, just my understanding of it. The point i was trying to make men/women often like to tell a sob story without either knowing what they are entitled to or bending the truth a little.

unquestioningly even

My exp told his new 16 year old gf a few years ago that I made it difficult for him to see our son, she even confronted me about it, didn't take her long to find out the truth though as our ds was at the same school as her, she was on the 6th form and he was 13 nearly 14 at the time, too late for her though as she was pg

She now has the same problems I have with him, not turning up, not paying maintenance though she has now stopped contact

My son hasn't seen has sister in two years

16 year old girlfriend moomin?

A child then?

Euuurgh...

Nuff said.

Yes pretty bloody sickening especially as ds is so close in age to her

my exes partner has grandchildren older than my youngest

I very much doubt that my ex has even told his new wife that he has a child.

My ex plays this game too, even though we have agreed contact!

He sees our DD approx 10 days/month, plus half the school holidays, yet still tells his new gf that I am an evil bitch. He asks to have additional nights when he knows that I have plans, to 'show' how unreasonable I am. I then get his family on the phone having a go at me.

I work p/t so I can pick our DD up from school. He works full time and us out of house 6am-7pm. Ex said he wanted 50/50 contact. I said I'd be happy to talk about it and asked if he was going to reduce his hours at work - answer, no (and it IS possible for him to work p/t).

Bearing in mind that he wouldn't see DD and his parents would have her after school (she's 5!), I said that it didn't seem like it was feasible at this point in time. Again, I am an evil bitch because I think that it's best fir DD to be with me after school because I am home, rather than her GP.

I've also heard him lie to his GF over the phone about our DD/me/contact to get her to move to our town with her young son (about 30 miles from her own home) and move in with him, when she didn't want to (she had a better house and lived close to one of the best schools in the County, as opposed to our local sink school).

He is a cheat and a liar. He physically a d emotionally abused me and still tries to pull my strings, but hey, he's a GREAT Dad, apparently.

I think separation/divorce are hugely emotional and create so much ill-feeling that rationality often goes out of the window!

My DP's exW still says things like "But I am on my own with two children" to try to wrangle more money out of DP, when (a) she is richer (capital) than him by far (b) we have a 50:50 residence arrangement that has existed from the outset and for years (c) she has a live-in partner and settled life!

How about - as is often the case the couple split before she even knew she was pregnant. Suddenly a 21 year old is a dad and then with no support from family is expected to bond with a child and become a dad with a few hours contact a week......

DPs ex wife tells anyone and everyone that he has never paid her a penny in maintenance. This is true, however she has nearly run the family into bankruptcy three times, claims she can't afford clothes for dsd but has been on holiday abroad three times in last 18 months and jacked in a reasonably well paid job for a part time one on much less money because she was "bored" and "benefits will make up the money".

She fails to mention that instead of giving her the maintenance (she has IVAs, DMPs etc) he pays the mortgage and the bills on the 4 bed house (now only 1 child under 18 at home)she lives in and her boyfriend stays in every weekend. This comes to over £1000 a month - but she still pleads poverty as he "should" pay more as he lives with me and I earn "a very high wage" according to her form E.

My own brother is a feckless waste of space. When he split from his ex-wife, he did have 50:50 contact, but when he met his now wife, she was insanely jealous that there were 2 other children, both older than her son that she made life VERY difficult for my niece and nephew, and my ex-SIL.

The kids got some GCSE results on Thursday (niece has been in Y10, nephew Y9) and it was down to ME to pass on the information to my (not so D)B. Apparently, he sent friend requests to his kids on FB and they both independently told me that they had declined on the basis that his wife doesn't like them, or want to know them, and when they did meet her, and contact continued for about 2-3 months into my brother's marriage, they (bro & wife) weren't very nice to my N&N, allowing the resident child to access anything in the kitchen, toys, TV remote, etc, while they couldn't do anything, had to ask even if they wanted a glass of water, a piece of fruit and even to use the bathroom, and on the few occasions they stayed over they had to be up by a certain time, but not too early, while their step-bro could lie in as long as he wanted, and had a cup of tea taken to him every Saturday and Sunday morning. It didn't take long before N&N made it clear that they didn't want to go back to his house anymore.

My ex-SIL remarried about 18 months after her divorce and her 2nd husband treats my N&N the same as his own son who is 8/9 years old, is a great dad, and I sincerely wish HE was my brother instead.

Unfortunately, my dad supports my brother's version of events since 2001, when they divorced, ignoring the fact that my bro was violent, abusive physically, emotionally, mentally to my ex-SIL, which was all cited and upheld in court. So my dad hasn't seen his GC for about 7 years.

What a fucking mess.

My DC1's sperm donor dad has not bothered to see her in years and I don't hold out much hope of maintenence.He knows where I live,he has my phone number,email.He got in contact a couple of months ago saying he wanted to see DC,and as I suspected it was because of his new girlfriend.He saw her once and on the second time they were supposed to meet up he didn't show.DC was waiting for him in the park,I stayed in the car watching her waiting,she is 10 and was sitting on the bench in front of the car.She waited over an hour whilst I rang and rang him but he did not answer his phone.
He made the arrangement of meeting in the park,going to the local cinema and for some food and then I would be waiting in the park to bring her home.He lives about an hours drive away and his house is quite near the park so little effort on his part.
I had to bring my heartbroken DC home,crying her eyes out.He hasn't contacted me since,but I am quite close to his mother and she see's DC regularly and she told me he is going around saying I've refused to let him see DC and he is taking me to court.

Personally I think this is all a big show of look at me,I am a great dad and my bitch of an ex is stopping me seeing my DC all for his new girlfriend.Let him bring me to court,let them see that he has paid nothing towards DC in spite of a prior maintenence order.

My EX did not want anything to do with DD when I told him I was pregnant, I think he was scared witless and thought it would all go away. For the first year he did not have any contact nor did his family. (Give him his due, always paid maintenance but think that was because he was worried about the CSA) Just before DD´s first birthday he randomly asked for some pictures and then wanted to see her on the web-cam, then he said he had been thinking about her and how he regrets missing out the way he has.

I am so glad he came round to the idea, he isn?t perfect but he is there and sees her which is all I ever wanted for my daughter, I did not want to have to answer any awkward questions when she goes school and sees the other daddy´s.

I think that sometimes people just cannot get past their differences, my brother and SIL have only just done this, the whole atmosphere is so much nicer and the difference in their 4 DS´s is amazing, all seem so much happier.

In an ideal world we would all get on for the sake of children and be good friends, but we don?t live in an ideal world, far from it unfortunately.

Oh and Ex´s GF is perfectly happy with our contact arrangements, I would have no issue in her meeting my DD either.

I hate it when people get a new partner and their kids seem to somehow fall second to them.

BumWiper, You have a story that is so sad yet so typical. "look at me,I am a great dad and my bitch of an ex is stopping me seeing my DC" - and all the while he is lying and avoiding and deceiving.

I would love to do a blog/website on this. "What to do when you get taken to court by your posturing Ex for Pretend Contact Order."

Takeresponsibility, That's a divorce settlement that no self-respecting solicitor should have agreed to if your DP is unhappy with it - it's highly unusual. I would suggest that your DP seeks a variation of order if he is so unhappy with the original court agreement. And if he's doing it voluntarily, well, maybe you need to tell him that you feel that he shouldn't be.

"That's a divorce settlement that no self-respecting solicitor should have agreed to if your DP is unhappy with it - it's highly unusual. I would suggest that your DP seeks a variation of order if he is so unhappy with the original court agreement. And if he's doing it voluntarily, well, maybe you need to tell him that you feel that he shouldn't be."

Line - it's not the divorce settlement she keeps fannying about cos she knows she'll get less when it finally comes to court. He knows I'm unhappy with it, he's unhappy with it but no one wants to see the kids homeless and all the past evidence indicates that she simply cannot or will not budget. If we don't pay this (and I do say we as I get to pay for all our joint stuff!) then it will be the kids who suffer and that is the last thing we want.

TakeResp, Then your DP could/should open his home to his DCs.