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AIBU?

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Original poster

All this talk of NRP who can't be bothered to see their kids....

115 replies

worraliberty · 26/08/2011 19:12

I'm thinking that on MN, we read a lot about NRPs (yes, mainly Dads) who 'can't be bothered' to have contact with their kids.

We also often read people saying "Oh I've never stopped him..never made it awkward..he just doesn't bother with contact"...and..."He never pays a penny in maintenance"

But just as often (probably) we read people saying "My DP would love contact with his kids but his ex makes it awkward"...or..."My DP pays maintenance for his kids as he'd never see them go without".

So where are the partners of all these NRPs who don't pay a penny and never bother with their kids?

I'm not a very mathematical person (lord knows) but it's quite disproportionate is it not?

So AIBU to wonder if some people are either too embarrassed to admit their DP doesn't bother with their kids from previous relationships, or if their DPs are fibbing to them and pretending their ex makes it too awkward?

OP posts:
LineRunner · 26/08/2011 20:47

Good question AyeRobot. Lots of NRPs cite having to work as the reason they can't have 50/50 - but no-one ever asks me how I've managed holding down a job and briging up the DC full-time after their father walked out.

I'm expected to just do it.

He goes boo hoo, I'm a man.

Spero · 26/08/2011 20:56

Line runner it has taken me the whole of the three years to finally accept that this is the way he is. It utterly baffles me - he was in her life for the first three years and seemed to really love her. Then he was happy to stay on other side of the world.

It is very hard to accept that some people act this way, but the sad fact is they do. I just wish they wouldn't then lie to themselves and others about how they wish it was different. Get off your arses and make it different then ! But that would mean planning ahead, getting up early on the weekends and doing stuff that they would enjoy... And I just don't think that ever makes it on their priority list.

Spero · 26/08/2011 20:58

By ' they' I mean the children of course. I think my ex took her swimming and to the park a handful of times onhis own. He didn't seem to get much pleasure in her company so I suppose warning bells should have been sounding then.

Meglet · 26/08/2011 21:03

linerunner My XP couldn't travel 1 mile across town in his car to see the dc's after work Hmm. I think its safe to say it would have eaten into his pub time.

FWIW he does pay maintenance but refused to see them at a contact centre (abuse, police + womens aid involved). He said they can see him when they're 18 and he will tell him what a bitch their mum is. I did laugh when I read that e-mail from him.

I'm sure he sits at the pub slagging me off too, I'd love to be a fly on the wall there. AFAIK his new girlfriend has kids that she doesn't live with, they are obviously both as hopeless as each other. They can carry on their lives with no pesky kids under their feet. And XP had had the snip, I really hope it never fails, he couldn't look after a houseplant let alone another human being.

Eve · 26/08/2011 21:07

My friends son is desperate to see his daughter who he hasn;t been allowed to see for 2 years and his son who he has never seen. There is a whole family of grandparents, cousins etc all waiting to welcome them to there family ... but the ex GF won't allow it.

Hes pays maintenance and the ex has accused him of everything including abuse. He has proved every single allegation wrong in court but yet still can't get access because as soon as he gets past 1 allegation she flings another. Hes been drug tested about 3 times

Why the courts put up the lies I have no idea.

She has another child with another man who fought hard for access rights but he could afford to. My friends son is going to give up as he can;t afford anymore. She gets legal aid.

He and his family are putting a box together of all the birthday and Christmas cards they miss and instead of presents putting cash into an account in the hope that when the kids are independent they will want to see their other family.

Its very sad.

FreudianSlipper · 26/08/2011 21:33

if for any reason ds ended up living with his dad there is nothing that would stop me seeing him he needs to know that i am there for him and love him

i know some rp are difficult but many have reasons to not want the nrp seeing the children it could be fear of abuse, not keeping in regular contact but it would mostly be done to protect the child not as some way to get back at the ex though i am sure this occasionally happens but dig a bit deeper and more often than not you will find out there is a totally different side to the story

griffalo2 · 26/08/2011 21:37

I admit to not allowing xp see ds....
I left him for a number of reasons and moved back down south to be with my family and friends.he then demands I drive the 4 and half hours so he could see ds because he wasnt goin to waste money on fuel,i refused and offered half way and that was that,ive never heard from him since,he has my number and address.
Am I such a bad person? Should I of tried harder for ds sake? I know life is so much easier and peaceful than what it would be dealing with access and everything else everyone talks about on here.ds is happy and stable and he knows where hes goin to be every weekend.

Claw3 · 26/08/2011 21:41

Meglet what is it with this once they are 18 thing!? Ive heard that from many of my friends about their ex's too. Do they seriously think, that not seeing a child for years isnt going to be a huge strain on any relationship, if any they may with the child. I despair.

Ayerobot neither of my 2 ex's have gone for sole or 50/50 residency. 1st ex didnt even want half of school hols, every other Christmas etc, when it was given to him by a Court. 2nd ex only wanted contact with his ds, to try and get at me.

Eve i think you have hit the nail on the head, 'why the courts put up with the lies' my ex lied through his teeth and it was all ignored. Perhaps lie detector testing would be cheaper, than all these Court cases.

nothingoldcanstay · 26/08/2011 21:44

I have also just seen another side as my friend has recently separated from her husband. He is still required to pay the mortgage to keep them in the (very nice) family home leaving him half his wages to rent/furnish and run his new tiny flat. Basically leaving him broke and broken regarding his child. She is happy to let him have a weekly overnight but she is still really upset and picks at everything he does. There's no real fault with either of them but I can see that a combination of financial strain and bitterness will end up with him washing his hands of the whole thing.

ChristinedePizan · 26/08/2011 21:55

nothingoldcanstay - whatever his issues with his ex-wife, surely he is a grown up and can separate his child from those issues?

I have a friend whose ex has only seen his baby once. He got his gf pregnant just after he left her and their baby is 9 weeks younger than my friend's. He pays CM but as far as his new (now wife) and his family is concerned, my friend and his first child don't exist. They spoil the perfect family thing I guess.

ToothbrushThief · 26/08/2011 21:56

I have a friend who's ex did not see his son for 10 yrs (age 1 -11) and did not pay maintenance. As far as she is concerned it's the fault of the RP.

He is seeing the child now and the RP seems quite happy with it. Contact resumed only once the CSA had caught up with him. Contact is sporadic and he doesn't pursue it. I strongly suspect friend is in denial about his stories because to admit to them would mean she'd married a low life.

makemineapinot · 26/08/2011 21:56

I took my DC down from Scotland to the south of England to see their dad as per the court ordered contact time thathe dragged me though court for (even though I had been and always have been agreeable. He refused to answer the door to his children although he was obviously in. - de[ite the fact they had travelled 400 miles to see him. 1 month later my hurt and lovely dc receive a text from their dad to say he loves them and his door is always open to them... [hmmm] they replied "not it wasn't" - I know from experience that all over that town in England my name has been bandied around as I am the evil one, the one who stops him seeing his dc Sad - he's not a payer either Sad. but his GF believed - totally believed in his crap to the point that she went to social services about me re them not seeing their dad Hmm. Luckily I got a good judge in the end - after 3 years of crap - not everyone does Sad

ToothbrushThief · 26/08/2011 21:59

My ex claims that I prevent contact. Yet I'd love him to arrange more. He always arranges it when he knows it's impossible (I've got a booked holiday etc) and then claims I'm stopping him seeing his child.

There are 7 days in the week and 52 weeks in the year but he claims that the one day he asks for and is refused ...constitutes me preventing contact.

Meanwhile he does everything he can to avoid CM. He didn't pay for months. I know the two are separate issues but his whole attitude to fatherhood stinks

LineRunner · 26/08/2011 22:06

No man is skid row because of paying basic child support. They pay a percentage of their wages. No wagey, no supporty.

Women who are RPs on the other hand are expected to contribute ALL of their wages to bringing up their children.

When a marraige ends no judge expects to see one party walk away with nothing if the other party has something.

Most RPs do not get legal aid. I didn't, despite the fact that my ExH took me to court for a contact order that I did not contest and that he did not stick to.

StringOrNothing · 26/08/2011 22:06

Fortunate enough not to have been involved in this in person, but on MN I often see posters whose DPs are NRPs, and who clearly turn a blind eye to the fact that DP CBA to see their own child. The poster understandably finds it quite convenient that they don't have to take on a stepchild. No fights, no abuse, no drama, just a father drifting out of his child's life because it's not convenient to be their parent any more.

Generally the wrath of MN is directed to the DP in question within a matter of minutes.

nothingoldcanstay · 26/08/2011 22:13

ChristinedePizan - She can't separate the child from the father either though. That's the point. He's always in the wrong whilst allowing him access makes her "in the right".
They haven't been to court yet but it's only a matter of time. It's pretty much all her house (she owned most of it before they married) so basically he's paying the mortgage but won't see anything at the end of it.

RitaMorgan · 26/08/2011 22:18

nothingold - your friend sounds like a right dick! He resents paying to put a roof over his child's head, and he's likely to wash his hands of his own child. I bet he'll be telling anyone who'll listen sob stories about his evil ex too Hmm

Claw3 · 26/08/2011 22:21

Nothinggold, he will receive whatever he has paid into the house, plus about 10% of the profit, once the children are no longer in full time education. He will get his money back eventually.

WibblyBibble · 26/08/2011 22:22

I don't think it's embarrassment, I think a lot of women are honestly delusional about their partners. The kind of men who are dickish about their children deliberately choose women who are naive and silly for their new relationship, so they will be believed. I have no doubt that my ex's new partner thinks I'm The Psycho Ex, and I know his friends do- because they have chosen to believe him, and he is relatively socially competent. There's a reason he needs to go out with a 21-year-old, though (he's 37)- even though his female friends encourage him to think he's right about everything and enable his dickish behaviour, none of them would go out with him because under it all, they know he was a complete cunt to me, and would be the same to them. There's a huge cultural preference towards blaming women for everything, and it's just as much carried out by women, hence new gfs choosing to lie to themselves about their partner's past behaviour in relationships. I guess part of it is that they don't want to contemplate the probability that he'll do the same to them after a few years.

LineRunner · 26/08/2011 22:23

I do find it so upsetting for my children, that they are now old enough to know that their own father would rather have a weekend away or at a party than see them.

My DD even came across him once at a social event on a Saturday afternoon when he'd told her he was working. He was with his latest GF and their mates.

And yes, he lives that close to us - but can only see his DC once a month.

What the fuck does his GF actually believe, then?

LineRunner · 26/08/2011 22:25

Again, thanks for believing.

WibblyBibble · 26/08/2011 22:27

I mean, I know his friends believe his shit as they emailed me at one point to say he was paying more (he pays nursery fees part time, and that's it) than the CSA would order. They shut up pretty quick after I said, "OK, tell him I'll go to the CSA and see what they make of a man who lives in a £2500000 house mortgage-free and goes out whenever he feels like it, while we live in poverty"- he won't actually tell anyone an income, so the % is not very clear, but they obviously knew he was lying when they actually thought about it. I think a lot of it is the Just World hypothesis type thing- they don't want to believe that bad people do quite well for themselves while making others suffer.

nothingoldcanstay · 26/08/2011 22:27

Neither of them are dicks though!! It's the money issues that will push them both over the edge. It's not a fair system IMO. He has nothing apart from his job and his child once a week. She now get's extra money from the tax credit system and still has her house and family. They are going to end up scrapping over money and falling out even though a few month's ago their child was both their number one priority.

AyeRobot · 26/08/2011 22:27

I know this article is not directly relevant to the RP/NRP debate, but I do think it hits the nail on the head about how the dynamic often plays out.

LineRunner · 26/08/2011 22:29

Nothing, As Claw said, he will get his money back eventually.

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