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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be fed up of feeling poor, dh on 45k i'm a sahm, we have no debts and a good life, yet i still feel a bit poor

403 replies

dovebird · 25/08/2011 22:14

we don't have money worries, our house is worth a fair bit more[40k at least] more than we owe on it, i'm happy being a sahm, we have a happy marraige on the whole,healthy as far as we know,nice car, been one one holiday abroad this year and 5 weekends away in uk.
we have a largeish 3 bedroom house which more than meets our needs
we get to have days out and meals out fairly often

i am surrounded by wealthy people though, with huge houses and very good lifestyles [ie gardeners, cleaners, never do their own d.i.y etc]

i'm fed up of feeling poor all time.

OP posts:
BeerTricksPotter · 26/08/2011 00:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Cocoflower · 26/08/2011 00:03

I too am surprised you can afford so many holidays etc

45k sounds a lot but break it down and really it covers mortagage, bills, food and essentials like haircuts, odd bit clothing etc.

To stretch to holidays too and eating out? Hmm....

Laquitar · 26/08/2011 00:12

If she was troll wouldn't she say £90k?

If it is real, i guess they had at least half the house bought by parents and they are just silly.

BeerTricksPotter · 26/08/2011 00:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
dovebird · 26/08/2011 00:16

i agree, with everything people on this thread say.
i must be a twat to still want more when i have alot.
perhaps it is more envy than feeling poor
i don't want to feel like this anymore but can't seem to stop myself.
i want to stop, but i don't know how to.

we don't have credit cards, our morgage is pretty low i suppose, by todays standards bought our 1st house, not this one, 11 years ago.

i know, i am very lucky to have the lovely family that i do have

OP posts:
Valpollicella · 26/08/2011 00:22

Count your blessings then OP. Not such a hardship to do your own cleaning and DIY and garden, when so many people are hand to mouth at the moment.

Posting as you did won't win you any sympathy unfortunately.

Have you tried imagining what it would be like worrying that you have literally £0 and 2 weeks until payday? No food in the cupboards/freezer for your DC?

That's probably a good place to start in stopping thinking in the way you are.

BeerTricksPotter · 26/08/2011 00:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
dovebird · 26/08/2011 00:25

i don't want sympathy, i want to snap out of it, think i will try and get a copy of Affluenza

OP posts:
Original poster
dovebird · 26/08/2011 00:27

well i do disagree, that i would be unhappy on 450k per year.
but what i actually want, is to stop feeling like this

OP posts:
spiderslegs · 26/08/2011 00:28

It's two people on an average salary.......

If you are genuine OP, I suggest you;

a) get a grip & count your blessings

b) move to a cheaper area

c) cut up the credit cards

d) just look around

So why the long face?

Because you don't have a celeb's wardrobe & a cleaner?

& wot BeerTricks sed again, it really won't change even if your income increases, there will always be someone with more than you, but you have more than most.

spiderslegs · 26/08/2011 00:30

Dove,

If you are genuine, if you were on 450k a year, you'd no doubt want the jet & the yacht that 'everyone' else had.

Really, it's completely subjective.

That kind of thinking is corrosive.

fit2drop · 26/08/2011 00:32

Seriously OP go and volunteer in a homeless shelter, or in a deprived area

see real poverty at its base level , that'll soon stop ya whining , open your eyes and maybe make you realise how fortunate you are.
You said you dont want to feel like it anymore and can't stop yourself.

Trust me, seeing real hardship will stop you in your tracks lovey .
If you have only seen it on tv you can convince yourself it aint real.

Get out there and see real life, remove your rosy specs and your sorryforself coat , get a grip, take all these responses on the chin , come back in a few days after doing somethinh worthwhile for less fortunate people. You will be amazed at how happy you will feel.

Valpollicella · 26/08/2011 00:33

No, what you need to do is start thinking of a woman, of the same age as you, with the same no of DC. Who is now literally counting her coins out.

Trying to think of how to feed and clothe her DC.

And pay bills.

And get uniform.

And all the other million demands that have to be paid.

If you want to snap out of it, volunteer for Home Start, so that you can see what some people need support with. And the stress they are under while they can't afford weekends away and holidays.

Good luck to you OP, but seriously. Think about it. You have food in your paid for house. Your bills are paid. You aren't about to be evicted. Or wondering when you will next eat because you're saving the food for your DC.

Seriously, get the fuck over it.

Cocoflower · 26/08/2011 00:35

I do think its only natural to always want more for a majority.

The problem is if everyone around us is living a better life that is what becomes our reality, normal and yardstick.

Its like asking someone into the UK to imagine starving in Africa- yes we can to extent but we have not lived through it so we do not really know and we can only use our own reality as a tool.

pictish · 26/08/2011 00:36

Troll or not, I agree with this:

*If you are genuine, if you were on 450k a year, you'd no doubt want the jet & the yacht that 'everyone' else had.

Really, it's completely subjective.

That kind of thinking is corrosive.*

fit2drop · 26/08/2011 00:37

Good post Valpollicella

homestart would be a great place to start

NorfolkBroad · 26/08/2011 00:38

Beer, you are so right. I went to my BFs 40th bday party a few months ago. Met up with my first ever boyfriend. He and his wife are both hugely succesful in their careers and earn a fortune. They live in a massive house in a pricey part of the country and they take several posh holidays a year and yet.........they told me they are so busy with their work that they NEVER get to take their one little ds to school or pick him up and he is in playschemes all holidays. They want to have a second dc but don't feel either of them can take a career break. I'm not saying they are miserable but this was one of those times where you realise that NO ONE has it all.

I'd arrived at the party feeling a bit....I don't know, intimidated by them and their "glamorous life" and left realising that although i was happy for them I was much happier with my own circumstances. I am not wealthy at all but I consider myself to be very lucky, I have a house, I can afford food and bills are not too terrifying. If my dd needs a new pair of shoes it is not a total disaster. That is enough, that is well off. Inform yourself about people that really are poor, that really do have VERY little. It will help and it will make you so grateful for what you have.

Original poster
dovebird · 26/08/2011 00:39

fittodrop, yes i might do that, perhaps i could do it when dh is on holiday next, as then he can have the dc.
i do realise i am a horrible person feeling like this.
i know some people struggle to pay basic bills
i honestly wouldn't give a shit about a jet or boat.
it would just be nice to be able to get someone else to do the diy etc

OP posts:
LindsayWagner · 26/08/2011 00:42

Oh bollocks, honestly. It's not well expressed but the OP is asking a reasonable question about how the sense of wellbeing is affected by context. She knows she's got no reason to complain, but she's trying to start a discussion about why she feels dissatisfied despite her objectively enviable situation.

Original poster
dovebird · 26/08/2011 00:42

norfolkbroad, yes i do feel very very lucky to be able to be a sahm, as i do know some friends that would love to do that but can't. and i am very glad i'm able to make that choice.

OP posts:
Valpollicella · 26/08/2011 00:44

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by Mumsnet.

pictish · 26/08/2011 00:45

If this is real then it's a very honest post.
I think we all want more don't we? All of us?
Wouldn't say no to a bit of whatever?

I suspect I'm worse off than you OP. Your life sounds nice to me.
I could either get down about it, or realise it's all subjective and count my blessings.
That's what you need to do.

NorfolkBroad · 26/08/2011 00:45

We sponsor a child in Niger, close to where my DP was brought up. This has taught us ALL alot about real poverty including my dd. My dd could not get over the fact that before we sponsored her our little girl could not go to school.

Valpollicella · 26/08/2011 00:46

Her sense of well being is affected by the fact that she doesn't have a cleaner......Hmm

Sorry. Limited sympathies there.

Original poster
dovebird · 26/08/2011 00:47

no the house is not a state, and we don't have any credit cards to cut up.
i suppose i just think how nice it would be to have the time to do anything you want rather than clean/diy etc
perhaps it's time envy

OP posts:
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