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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Partner making snide comments on DDs facebook

236 replies

MuckyBogStain · 25/08/2011 14:43

DD is currently away in London for the week and this morning posted a status on facebook about her breakfast saying it was lovely and the chefs can cook.

DP then posted a reply saying "well that's generally what chefs do". A number of people have "liked" DPs reply which to me is a little like group piss-taking.

He's always doing this though and we've talked about it before and his answer is that she shouldn't post "dopey" status updates which he justifies by saying none of the other 14/15 year olds on his facebook post daft comments like she does and that she should have grown out of it by now.

AIBU to see that he's done it again?

OP posts:

seeker · 26/08/2011 14:30

What exotic fruits said.

OneMoreChap · 26/08/2011 14:59

Absolutely astonishing.

I'm in my 50s.
I am friend of DS and see limited updates from DD. [I don't see her status updates, but do see her photos and notes.]

I have FB friends in many countries, and quite a few teenager "friends", usually friends of DS/DD or other family.

Something appears in my news feed, I'll either engage with it or not.
If you don't want me to engage with it (I probably won't anyway, as I see a lot of stuff) don't stick it on my wall.

"You shouldn't be friends with your kids/14 year olds" - anyone who said that sort of thing... who died and put you in charge?

The OP's post said
DD is currently away in London for the week and this morning posted a status on facebook about her breakfast saying it was lovely and the chefs can cook.

DP then posted a reply saying "well that's generally what chefs do". A number of people have "liked" DPs reply which to me is a little like group piss-taking.

or rather more like people agreeing with him and being amused at the way he's phrased it.

He's always doing this though and we've talked about it before

The OP and her partner or the OP, DD, and partner?

If DD doesn't want partner to comment on her status updates, she can deal with it.

The OP is being precious.

kelly2000 · 26/08/2011 15:10

The DD is a young teenage girl the bully is an adult male who is in a relationship with the dds mother. She should not have to deal with his bullying by herself. It is dysfunctinal to have an adult in a position of power bullying a young girl, and then saying that she has to deal with it by herself, apart from anything good parents bring their children up not to be rude to adult. If a child has to defend herself by being rude in return there is something wrong with the adult. A grown man should not be behaving like a teenage bully boy with a crush towards his teenage stepdaughter, and it will serve him right if her friends start posting replies to him calling him pervy pervison.

WidowWadman · 26/08/2011 15:16

Eh? What crush? Where's the crush coming from now? And what is pervy about the obversation that chefs cook? It's a rather fetching tinfoil hat, you're wearing, though.

MrsvWoolf · 26/08/2011 15:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

OneMoreChap · 26/08/2011 15:21

kelly2000

WTF?

First: unless you're the DD, you can't say he's bullying her. Bullying is in her eyes; if she feels she being bullied she is. If she doesn't...

Where has anyone suggested she should deal with it by being rude? Another poster said how would he feel if people commented in his updates. Many people have suggested she deals with it if she is upset by it by blocking or restricting his profile.

Have we established stepchild?

A grown man should not be behaving like a teenage bully boy with a crush towards his teenage stepdaughter

Are there other issues here? You seem to have a very nasty imagination...

kelly2000 · 26/08/2011 15:22

It is not just the one comment. by making nasty snide comments constantly on his teenage stepdaughters facebook page he is acting exactly like a young boy who had a crush on a girl might act. If a teenage boy acted like this you would think he was doing it to get attention from the girl he fancied. It is pervy behaving like this, fine if he was congratulating her here and there but to be constantly looking for ways to bully her demonstrates an unhealthy interest especially as he has been asked to stop but refuses and admits he is doing it not to be funny but because he wants her to grow up like his other young teenage friends. i have asked several men about this, and they have been a lot harsher about him, and all put forward that he was a creepy perv. by acting like this. It is not normal for grown men to act like this towards young teenage girls.

kelly2000 · 26/08/2011 15:27

She is the daughter of his partner, so she is in the position of stepchild. And he is being weird by insisting on behaving like this towards her. most people if told their behaviour towards a young girl was not nice would stop, not defend it as a way to make her grow up and carry on. It is disgraceful that he has put a young teenage girl in a position where she has to block him on facebook he is her mother's partner not just some random guy there is a good chance he spends a lot of time in her home, and I would not be surprised if the teenager girl felt very awkward having to tell him that she blocked him if he asks, she probably worries he will yell at her and it will upset her mother.

AppleyEverAfter · 26/08/2011 15:28

Without sounding like a bitch... what's it got to do with you, OP? If your DD is old enough to have her own FB account and is daft enough to friend your piss-taking DP, I'm sure she can deal with the situation herself.

Go and have a brew.

OneMoreChap · 26/08/2011 15:29

Sorry kelly200 have you name changed from MuckyBogStain ?

"nasty snide comments constantly" - I didn't see that in the OP.
"It is pervy behaving like this" - goodness, you have some... odd... views.

i have asked several men about this, and they have been a lot harsher about him, and all put forward that he was a creepy perv. by acting like this

... backing away slowly and agreeing with you perhaps?

People engage and interact in all sorts of ways on Facebook and other social media sites.

Explain in what way the comment well that's generally what chefs do can be seen to be pervy in your world?

I do worry about people who see perv in this type of thing. I suspect, though I hope I'm wrong, you're the sort of person who thinks all paediatricians need a good kicking.

MyMamaToldMe · 26/08/2011 15:30

When I was the DD's age I wanted my parent's to support me - no matter how 'dopey' I sounded. Not to make fun of me, making me look silly in front of my friends! And there are really some things you should really just keep to yourself - incl the comment made by the OPs partner. Why say it when you know it might cause hurt? And if this is an ongoing thing, he would have known it would cause hurt. He needs to grow up.

OneMoreChap · 26/08/2011 15:30

Incidentally: daughter of partner does not mean "not daughter of both of them".

MyMamaToldMe · 26/08/2011 15:34

So does that mean he doesn't have to support her and he can make fun of her?

AppleyEverAfter · 26/08/2011 15:40

MyMama: If that's what type of 'parent' he wants to be, then yes! Why try to force someone to be nice if they're obviously a bit of an idiot?

OneMoreChap · 26/08/2011 15:44

MyMamaToldMe to whom was your question?
If me, whether he is her father/stepfather makes no real difference.

It's the reference to pervy stepfather that grated.

Remind me again, where in the - noticeably absent - OPs post does it say he doesn't support putative DD. It says he comments on inane FB posts, to the amusement of some others...

I'd also ask if you regard it as always wrong to make fun of people. My kids certainly make fun of me, and always have done. Incidentally, may I congratulate you on the ironic apostrophisation?

MyMamaToldMe · 26/08/2011 15:45

Too true Appley - you can't force someone to be decent.

kelly2000 · 26/08/2011 15:45

Onemorechap, No actually it was the men who said first he was a perv. I did no really think of that too much until they said it, but they are right it is unhealthy andif he was a teenage boy the automatic reponse would be £he fancies you and is trying to get your attention". Fine the first time, he maybe is just soically inept, but once he had been told he should have stopped, not instisted that he contine, and then defend it by saying she should grow up like the other teenagers he is friends with. That is not normal behaviour, most men who were told that their actions were hurting their partners daughter would be mortified and stop right away.

And paediatricians are doctors, I think you meant paedophiles.

MyMamaToldMe · 26/08/2011 15:48

Congratulate away if that's what makes you happy.

I don't agree that because he is making fun of her that he is pervy. But there are different types of making fun, as there are different types of people.

OneMoreChap · 26/08/2011 15:48

kelly2000 Thank you, I'm aware of the definition of paediatrician.
I know precisely what I meant.

Should the leaden sarcasm have escaped you, I am suggesting that those who see "perv" in the comments here are just the sort of poltroon who beat up doctors mistaking them for kiddyfiddlers.

kelly2000 · 26/08/2011 15:53

Well I did not see how you made it obvious you know what a paediatrician was. I assumed you did not know what paeditriaican meant and thought the paed refered to sex abuse, rather than just child and was saying you thought I thought all paedophiles should be beaten up.
It really was not a good insult, if that was what your comment was intended to be.

exoticfruits · 26/08/2011 15:54

It is a long thread when all she needs to do is delete him as a friend!

WidowWadman · 26/08/2011 16:01

Kelly - I can't believe that someone actually needs to explain this to you, but the paediatrician thing refers to that there are stupid people who cannot tell the difference between different words beginning with "paed", and who are in favour of vigilantism without asking questions.

You are coming across like one of them. This is pretty obvious. The fact that it went over your head just supports this suspicion further.

kelly2000 · 26/08/2011 16:04

mymamatoldme,
I do not neccesarily agree he is being a perv because of the messages, but that behaviour can easily come across as that especially to teenage girls who are fed up with him. how is he going to feel when one of them makes a commet like that about hm that everyone he knows can see! I think it is more the fact he keeps doing it despite being told not to, and the way he defends it that is weird and creepy. From his response does not seem like this is just how he behaves to people in general, more like he is doing it to her specifically for his own reasons, which is weird when he knows his partner does not like it. If he had replied with a "im only teasing" or "I am like this with everyone" I would not have found it so creepy. I agree she should delete him and block him, or at least adjust her settings so he cannot comment. But I think it is sad that she should have to do that to her stepfather.

wineandroses · 26/08/2011 16:04

Wonder where the OP's gone?

OneMoreChap, I can see why you find no fault with the OP's DP posting sarcastic comments to the DD; you are doing the same thing to those posters who disagree with you. It's a bit unpleasant.

kelly2000 · 26/08/2011 16:10

I know the difference between paediatrician and paedophile, and I have never heard of anyone mistaking them. The person making the bad attempt to insult me, came across as not knowing the difference. The only reason it goes over my head is because I cannot imagine people being so stupid. If you have to explain to someone the insult you made towards them, and clarify that you were trying to imply someone did not know the difference between two words but you did your insult has backfired on you. It really is not nice to start insulting people because you disagree. the OP asked for opinions, she got them.

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