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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Partner making snide comments on DDs facebook

236 replies

MuckyBogStain · 25/08/2011 14:43

DD is currently away in London for the week and this morning posted a status on facebook about her breakfast saying it was lovely and the chefs can cook.

DP then posted a reply saying "well that's generally what chefs do". A number of people have "liked" DPs reply which to me is a little like group piss-taking.

He's always doing this though and we've talked about it before and his answer is that she shouldn't post "dopey" status updates which he justifies by saying none of the other 14/15 year olds on his facebook post daft comments like she does and that she should have grown out of it by now.

AIBU to see that he's done it again?

OP posts:
WidowWadman · 26/08/2011 09:17

Oh, and I'd rather be involved in my children's social lives and know who their friends are. Doesn't mean you hang out with them all the time, just having an idea of what they're up to, what they like, not like etc.

I'm coming from a pretty close family, and always liked that.

Mitmoo · 26/08/2011 09:21

Just double checked with 14 year old son, parents shouldnt post on kids facebook pages. I have when he has won competitions to congratulate him but that is the only exception.

seeker · 26/08/2011 09:21

The whole point is that although I do have my dd's password she knows I would only use it if something had gone badly wrong. She doesn't want me reading whatever she and her friends put on Facebook, and I don't specially want her reading what I put on mine, either.

seeker · 26/08/2011 09:23

Oh, and if I was dd's friend and posted to congratulate her on winning a competition, she'd die of embarrassment. If she wants to tell her friends she will - mum doing it is stealth boasting.

StewieGriffinsMom · 26/08/2011 09:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WhoseGotMyEyebrows · 26/08/2011 09:37

He sounds like an idiot!

Tanith · 26/08/2011 09:46

I can't help wondering what the reaction would be if OP was complaining that her partner continually belittled her and put her down in front of her friends, even though she'd asked him to stop.
This poor kid hasn't even chosen to have a relationship with him. She does have the right to say "No" and for it to be respected.

Kelly is right: this isn't funny, or amusing banter. A joke is only funny if both parties laugh.

OP, I'd tell your partner he's being a prat and tell your DD to defriend him. She really needs your support on this one.

WhoseGotMyEyebrows · 26/08/2011 09:49

I agree Tanith

mumeeee · 26/08/2011 10:01

OP your partners comment seems fine to me. But if your DD doesn't like it then she can just unfriend him on FB. But tell your DP that a lot of adults would also do a status like your DD's. She is not being immature.

mumeeee · 26/08/2011 10:08

Just realised your DD had already told him his comments embarrass her and has asked him to stop. He hasn't so she should just delete him. There is nothing wrong with him having teenage friends on Facebook. Both DH and I have but they are relatives or children of friends. We both only add teenagers if they make the request?

exoticfruits · 26/08/2011 10:55

Mine would kill me if I congratulated them on FB! I can't see why I would when I can speak to them or phone them.

seeker · 26/08/2011 11:16

as I said, stealth boasting!

differentnameforthis · 26/08/2011 12:07

Well if she is going to put her opinions on fb, for everyone to see, then they are going to be commented on (which is the whole point, really).

She may not like all those comments, but the people who post them have just as much right to post their opinions, as she does hers.

If you don't like being criticised for what you write, don't write it.

differentnameforthis · 26/08/2011 12:17

14 year olds should not accept adults as friends

I have my 2 nieces & nephew on fb. Both were 13 at the time they req my I be their friend. My god-daughter is 13 & is my friend (I refused to add her before she was 13) and my best friends 2 girls were both 13 when I added them.

Why is this a problem?

seeker · 26/08/2011 12:19

Because teenagers are entitled to their privacy and to post what they want without knowing that mum's looking over their shoulder.

WidowWadman · 26/08/2011 12:23

seeker Things that are posted on facebook or indeed any other internet forum aren't private - as opposed to email. A lot of people still aren't aware of it and end up posting things on Facebook or elsewhere which can get them into trouble.

seeker · 26/08/2011 12:24

They are if your privacy settings are well organised.

differentnameforthis · 26/08/2011 12:25

So they can post what the hell they like, to who the hall they like. Add strangers, arrange to meet said strangers & get themselves into potential trouble?

Teens are generally naive & too trusting. They need someone to protect them.

Teens have been killed by people they met on fb.

WidowWadman · 26/08/2011 12:35

seeker You are naive if you truly believe that.

seeker · 26/08/2011 12:42

Well, obviously I know that nothing online is truly private- I'm not actually stupid! But if I am not my dd's friend I can't just click and read.

Differentnameforthis. Exactly how many teenagers have been killed by people they've met on Facebook? and how is this different from possibly
meeting a random nutter on the bus or at a party? And when you you stop "protecting" them? And what about trust? Where does that come in?

kelly2000 · 26/08/2011 13:07

It is not private if you walk down the street so does that mean if you do not look good it is ok for people to come up and make nasty comments as they have a right to their opinion. is it ok for them to photograph you and post the pictures on the internet for people to laugh at. Just because he can do something legally does not mean he has a moral right to do so. saying that if a child posts something on the internet adult men have the right to bully them is not morally right and what sort of message does that send out to teenagers, you can do and say what you want as long as it is legal regardless of how you hurt others. If I had a child who was using facebook to bully others, i would be disgusted I would not say that the victim has to deal with it. Those that grow up thinking they can do and say what they want are the ones that will sufffer more than those that do not. What do you think the partner's boss would do if he behaved like that to him, or a work colleague. he would be written up and given a formal warning.
Seeker,
I think the problem with facebook is that the teenagers do not meet the person in real life, like they do at a bus stop or party, yet honestly think they know them well. The young girl was murdered by someone she met on facebook thought he was a teenage boy and when she went to meet him her friends said they were not worried because she was meeting someone she had known for a while. When the killer turned up he told her he was her friends father and would drive her to meet him. If she had met him at a party she would probably not have talked to him and thought he was weird. This is obviously a rarity, and teenagers are still more likely to be murdered by someone they know and trust in real life (I think it is something like 70% of murder victims are killed by someone they know and trust). However, i think there is a danger of nasty people using facebook to gain teenagers trust and getting them to do stuff on webcams etc. It is a small danger, but creeps seem to seek out ways to do stuff like this and social networking is just another opportunity for them. But again if parents are open with their children, they are in a much better position to prevent this. I read about one case where a young teenage girl befriended a boy on the internet and went to meet him. She was very honest with her mother so her mother dropped her off, and stayed a bit away to keep an eye on who it was she met up with (with daughter's consent). When teenage boy turned out to be middle aged perv. the mother pounced.
Apologies for epic post!

exoticfruits · 26/08/2011 13:11

I think they are sensible enough to make it all private. I never understand how people get into trouble with what they write on FB-why on earth have it public? I have all mine on the very tightest of settings-even friends of friends can't read it.
Why would they meet someone on FB who would kill them? The person has to ask to be a friend-they wouldn't accept them if they don't know them. If they do know them, then they met elsewhere. There is plenty of scope on the internet for naively accepting strangers-I should think FB is the least of your worries.

exoticfruits · 26/08/2011 13:13

I read about one case where a young teenage girl befriended a boy on the internet and went to meet him. She was very honest with her mother so her mother dropped her off, and stayed a bit away to keep an eye on who it was she met up with (with daughter's consent). When teenage boy turned out to be middle aged perv. the mother pounced.

Why on earth did the mother even take her in the first place?!

kelly2000 · 26/08/2011 13:32

Maybe she thought it was better to be open about it, rather than risk the girl sneaking off convinced he was the love of her life.

A young girl called Ashleigh hall was killed by someone she met on facebook. She thought he was a teenage boy (a lot of people do add people they have never met as friends through groups and networks on FB etc I even think there is somesort of flirt and webcam group or set-up a bit like chat roulette, but I am not sure if I am thinking of something else) and they messaged for ages and he became her boyfriend and they decided to meet up. Her friends said they were not worried about her meeting the boy as she had known him for ages.When she went to meet up with him a 33 year old man was there claiming to be his father. In fact he was the person she had been chatting to and he raped and murdered her. This case really upsets me as she was very young and must have been so excited to be meeting the person she thought was her boyfriend. Obviously cases like this are really rare, and it is much more likely if a teenager is murdered it will be by someone they know in real life. I guess it is just one more thing for parents to worry about.

exoticfruits · 26/08/2011 13:45

I think that you would do much better educating your DCs and discussing dangers and 'what if.....'scenarios -than going onto FB to keep them monitored.
It is just as bad as wrapping them in cotton wool in RL-not good for them. Give them appropriate responsibility and independence and let them learn to risk assess for themselves. They need to be street wise, not have mother watching over them all the time. I would be highly disappointed in mine if they were to go off and meet a stranger they only knew from the internet. I simply don't think it likely in their case. If they are so stupid it would take more than me on FB to keep track of them!