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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to take half her dole money from her?

349 replies

RebelFromTheWaistDown · 23/08/2011 18:28

Eldest DD recently completed full time further education course and has since had no luck finding a job. Sad She has signed on the dole today.

She is now in shock because I told her she has to give me half of her dole each fortnight for her bed and board. She is getting excellent value for money IMO. She thinks it is too much. AIBU?

OP posts:
OhdearNigel · 24/08/2011 10:41

"I wouldn't care what the money is intended for. When my children are young adults I want them to enjoy their lives before they settle down and take on the responsibilities of a mortgage and a family."

Great, I really enjoy paying a hefty percentage of our income in taxes so that other peoples' children can enjoy their lives. Are you having a fucking joke ? The dole is supposed to be to support people with no jobs to be able to afford to exist, not spend down the pub enjoying themselves. If you can afford to keep your children then they shouldn't be getting state benefits. And if that means they've no money to spend then it certainly concentrates the mind on finding a job. Any job. There's usually plenty of waitressing, KPing, care assistant work out there. It might not be exciting, well paid or glamorous but it brings in some cash.

usualsuspect · 24/08/2011 10:44

I agree with Penthesileia and Fabby

This thread is full of, well I had to give my parents all my wages and all I got was 50p a week pocket money

hilarious and typically MN

Sn0wGoose · 24/08/2011 10:44

My parents did the same when I was post-education - £40 a week, no matter whether I was working or not.

Imho it helped me become a reliable, hard-working individual that knew she had to contribute to the household in which I lived.

Wormshuffler · 24/08/2011 10:46

As soon as I hit 18 and got a full time job I was charged £40 per week lodgings, it certainly made me move out!
I have a friend who's 30 year old son still lives at home since returning from university which was also entirely paid for by Mum and Dad. She even pays his car insurance for him on a car She bought! So basically all his money goes on clothes, drinking, etc. He will never leave home!
I have been thinking about what I would do regarding my now aged 10 and 12 year olds, and got to thinking I would ask for some sort of rent from them if they are still at home when earning. If I don't need the money then I thought I might save it for them and it could then eventually be their deposit etc when the time is right for them to fly the nest.

BaronessOrczy · 24/08/2011 10:46

OP are you related to my mother?!

Once I had finished my course my parents did exactly what you have, charged me for food and board. It would have been irrelevant whether it was from wages or from JSA (it was from wages), as far as they were concerned if I had money coming in I should learn the value of it.

I was incredibly shocked as I 'only' had a pub job working 4 nights a week whilst I looked for a full time job, so had 'assumed' I could live at home for nothing - but it served me well in learning about the costs of real life.

They then, without me knowing, saved it so when I got a job and moved out, I had a deposit to rent a flat. IIRC they took 25%.

Like the OP, they didn't need the money, it was the principle of it. And I was very grateful for it in hindsight. It was a PITA at the time but was a lifesaver when I needed 8 weeks rent for a room in a flat as a deposit.

SinicalSal · 24/08/2011 10:52

The good thing about this thread is that it shows that most people are sensible & responsible. It's something you often forget when the media tends to focus on the other side, but reality is actually much saner than we're led to believe.

Takitezee · 24/08/2011 10:53

OhdearNigel Great, I really enjoy paying a hefty percentage of our income in taxes so that other peoples' children can enjoy their lives. Are you having a fucking joke ?

Why does it make any difference to you? If my children have to claim JSA then they will be using part of the money to jobseek, which presumably is the idea of job seekers allowance. They would have to pay their own travel expenses and buy their own clothes.

If I choose to only take £10 a week from them and let them have what is left after the above then what difference does it make to you? That person will be claiming JSA whether the spare few pounds that are left are given to parents for housekeeping or spent out enjoying themselves with friends.

lesley33 · 24/08/2011 10:53

I think some parents almost encourage their children not to get a job by how they treat them financially. I know it is difficult to get a job, but not having much money is an important motivator to get one.

I think its fine to take half. But if she has things she needs to help her get a job such as an interview suit, then I think it would be fair enough for you to offer to pay for this.

Cheria · 24/08/2011 10:55

YANBU. She is old enough to learn that life costs money. It'll be a lot worse when she gets a job and pays proper rent on her own place. My mum never took rent of my brother and 8 years on he is still living there for free and not working and spending his dole money on crap. Would personally like to give him a kick up the ass, but hey.

OhdearNigel · 24/08/2011 10:58

"Why does it make any difference to you?"

Because I pay tax that supports this nonsense ?

MerylStrop · 24/08/2011 11:00

I would work out how much it costs, approximately, to feed her and for her share of phone/TV/internet etc. Not including bills like electricity etc. And then ask her what she feels it would be fair for her to contribute.

I think half her dole is a bit steep tbh, a third might be more acceptable.

LIZS · 24/08/2011 11:02

Agree she should make a financial contribution, although maybe not 50%, but perhaps the balance could be in terms of jobs in the home - cleaning, babysitting, making a meal once a week, doing the shopping for you - a few hours a week.

Laquitar · 24/08/2011 11:06

I think £50pw is a lot for clothes and going out. I'm grown up woman in my 40s, have my own business, i am on 'holidays' right now and i'm still working online, and i don't spend £50 pw on clothes and make up (i spend about 1k a year).

However if you want to meet halfways and if you can afford it can you give her the cleaning? I dont mean her room, i mean all the weekly cleaning/ironing, garden and the occasional car wash?

Takitezee · 24/08/2011 11:06

OhdearNigel Did you read the rest of the post? If they are still job seeking and are spending part the allowance to job seek how does it make a difference to you whether the rest is given to me for housekeeping or I allow them to keep some of it to enjoy?

Laquitar · 24/08/2011 11:09

oops x-post LIZS

blackeyedsusan · 24/08/2011 11:10

I had to pay board when I haad the dole. it is not criminal. it teaches you financial responsibility. socialising can be done without big expense. if she wants to do expensive things she needs to get a job and save. taking the money off her does not mean that you can occasionally treat her, but she shouldn't take you for granted. she could be living in a flat and having to make that money do bills and food, and would be a lot worse off, haivng less spending money. (like non- been there, done that)

Ephiny · 24/08/2011 11:19

I think she should definitely be paying a contribution towards shared household costs, so food, bills etc. And pulling her weight in terms of household chores as well.

I don't think it's fair to charge her full 'rent' as her benefits will be worked out on the assumption that she doesn't have to pay this (as far as I know). So I don't know if half is reasonable or not, without knowing the actual amounts involved. But if I was her, I'd feel ashamed not to be contributing anything at all.

dreamingbohemian · 24/08/2011 11:22

I honestly don't get the logic of some of these 'life lessons' you want to teach.

You don't need her money. You're going to take half of it 'on principle' but at the same time buy all her food, transport and clothing. How does that bear any resemblance to anything she will find in reality? What's the point?

What about teaching her that when she's going through a difficult time she can always count on family to help out -- and that she should do the same when she is financially able to do so? You may find yourself old and incapacitated some day and needing to live with her, I hope you don't mind if she charges you rent.

You say yourself it's a short-term thing, why get all bothered about it? If you want her to learn something useful then show her how to budget, make her do the food shopping, comparison shop utilities, introduce her to moneysavingexpert.com, etc.

Laquitar · 24/08/2011 11:23

She wouldn't pay rent but she would have to pay food/gas/electricity.

Takitezee · 24/08/2011 11:42

You're going to take half of it 'on principle' but at the same time buy all her food, transport and clothing. How does that bear any resemblance to anything she will find in reality? What's the point?

Round of applause dreamingbohemian.

MadamDeathstare · 24/08/2011 11:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

OhdearNigel · 24/08/2011 12:00

Yes, I read all of the posts. It seems to me that, if the recipients of JSA have enough money to go out and enjoy themselves in the pub, they should be getting less.
Benefits are not pocket money.

Peachy · 24/08/2011 12:10

That can never work Nigel, one eprson on JSA might get a birthday gift or hand out from daddy, or have debts to clear: another might not.

JSa for most people, especially right now, is a benefit that has been paid into all their working lives: it's earned, and contributed towards. It's not always income based: it may for many be contributory and not absed on houshold icnome, other benefits are the same- Carers for example is not assessed on partners income but the wualifying criteria iof providing X numbers of hours of care: if c arer wants that to be pocket money so be it. And DLA is actually supposed to aid some independence- a taxi to a social event or a carer to accompany them for example.

JSA is not all benefits and not all benefits claimants have contributed zero to the pot.

MamaChocoholic · 24/08/2011 12:15

haven't read whole thread but OP YADNBU. I was on income support aged 16 whilst still at school, no longer able to live at home. I got £33.60 a week, IIRC, and I had to pay for food, travel and keep out of that ("landlord" was a friend of a friend's mum, letting me sleep on her sofa but not claim HB). it used up pretty much my entire budget but taught me the value of money. I want my kids to learn the same, but in less harsh circumstances. your dc is lucky.

traceybeaker · 24/08/2011 12:17

I would take 25% of anything he earns after my son left education.

He is at the moment 9.

He has just picked a new school bag and on it is his fave football team.

The one next to it was half the price and identical apart from the logo. I said you can have the one you want and I will pay half he paid the other half.

Teach them young.