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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my family shouldn't change our DC's name?

181 replies

CallMeAnything · 22/08/2011 17:55

I've namechanged for this as it totally outs me to anyone who knows me and I've revealed some pretty personal stuff under the cosy anonymity of my usual name. It's long too, sorry.

DC1 is born 5 months ago. In the labour room DH and I agree that we will call the DC Katharine/Kate/Kitty. DH phones our parents to tell them DC's name is Kitty.

I had been thinking Kate might also be a nice variation and text a few friends to say this is the name. My Mum gets wind and asks if it is Kate or Kitty and I say it can be either.

DH doesn't agree and says he thinks DC should have a definite name that everyone uses. When I think about it I agree it is silly for people to call her different names and we agree on Katharine on the birth certificate but to be known as Kitty.

I repeatedly refer to DC as Kitty to my Mum, who continues to call her Kate. This really bothers DH who asks me to put her straight. A few days after I get out of hospital I say to her "sorry for the confusion but we've decided it's Kitty and we want everyone to call her the same thing". Mum replies without hesitation "Well I'm going to call her Kate, that's not a problem is it?" (said in a tone that says there will NOT be a problem). I am still very shaky and emotional and do not want to fall out with her so say she can call her Kate if she really wants to. DH is not happy about this but I beg him not to make me have a row with my Mum as I'm not up to it.

A few days later when I'm feeling stronger I broach the subject again with her and am instantly dismissed again. I am stupidly weak again and leave thinking we have agreed that she can call her Kate as long as she makes it clear to the rest of the family and her friends that her name is Kitty.

Five months on I feel irrationally angry with her over this issue and feel like screaming "IT'S KITTY!!!!!!!" every time she calls her Kate in front of me. This is partly because I'm angry at myself for backing down and not standing up to her and partly because she has completely ignored our wishes and teaches my young neice and nephew to call her Kate, tells all her friends it's Kate and even writes bloody letters to her aged aunt from baby 'Kate'.

I know a lot of you will say this is petty and I know it's minor in the grand scheme of things but I'm going to have it out with her and am interested to know if you think I'm just being ridiculous or if she's being as rude as I think she is.

I find it really hard to stand up to my Mum as if I've ever said anything in the past she gets upset and all "I can't do anything right" etc. So I tend to leave things and seethe in private. She'd say we get on brilliantly btw!!! My parents are very good to us in other respects and help us financially etc.

Am I being unreasonable to insist that she uses the name we've chosen? Have I left it too late now?

The name obviously isn't Kate/Kitty but illustrates my point.

OP posts:
MoominsAreScary · 23/08/2011 12:17

It's only her name as her parents gave it her, she didn't just pick it.

How do you think all us people who's names can't be shortened cope if we don't like our names? We just put up with it.

Same as the op dm should just put up with kitty

exoticfruits · 23/08/2011 12:25

They don't put up with it! I know countless adults who get people to call them something entirely different and only use their birth certificate name when they have to-the rest of the time they keep it a dark secret. (If I was Katherine known as Kitty I would change it to Kate as soon as I was able) . I know a James whose parents used, and intended him to be Jamie for life. At 8yrs he told teachers and everyone that he was called 'James'.
I know a Julia who had people constantly calling her Julie-from a very young age she said 'a' every time. It is up to the child. People call you what you want to be called.

greengirl87 · 23/08/2011 14:20

i had a similar problem before i had my daughter. Shes matilda on her certificate but we decided everyone would call her tilly. My sister then announced she wasnt going to call her tilly, she was going to call her matty (which i really dont like). I said VERY firmly that she was not going to call her matty she was going to call her tilly. She calls her tilly! You have to be firm. Shes your daughter and the name was yours to pick. (ps i really like the name kitty even if its not really that!)

Insomnia11 · 23/08/2011 14:36

I think putting the full name on the birth certificate is sensible as it gives them more options for the future. DD1 is Josephine, but we and everyone else call her Josie, but when she's older she might want to be Jo or use her full name. It's good to have a few options.

tigermummy35 · 23/08/2011 14:56

I remember a woman I used to work with called her DD Lottie, but on her birth certificate, it was Charlotte. Her in-laws flat refused to call the little girl Lottie, and ALWAYS call her Charlotte. Must be confusing for the child, if you ask me!

seeker · 23/08/2011 15:12

Oh of course it's not confusing - children aren't stupid!

tortilla · 23/08/2011 15:14

We picked a long name for our DD (Genevieve) and had a preferred short version in mind (Ginny). But as a family, she now has what I think of as a proper nickname (i.e. something silly, quirky, cute, affectionate unusual) (Gin Gin) which really suits her while she is tiny. One set of GPs insist on always using Genevieve as it is her given name, the other GF uses Genevieve or Ginny and the other GM mainly uses Ginny but has started using Gen. In 11 months, she has acquired 4 different names, and answers to at least 3 of them :) Friends use any variation on those. None of it bothers us - we picked a name with an obvious shortening, said we preferred a less obvious shortening, and then invented our own family nickname which we use more than either of those.

What would bother me is if the one GP who has started using Gen now started telling everyone else that they had to use that rather than whatever they were comfortable using. That is the bit about the OP's mum that is really bad - not that she uses a different shortening to everyone else, but that she tries to make everyone else use that rather than what they or the parents choose or prefer. Coupled with the fact that the OP has issues with standing up to her mum, I'd be a bit miffed if I were the DH. Whoever said it was about power rather than names was right.

tortilla · 23/08/2011 15:16

annielobeseder - I know 2 Alexandras who are known as Allie, and another one who from the age of 3 has very loudly said 'No, my name is Alexandra' whenever anyone has tried to shorten it ;)

exoticfruits · 23/08/2011 15:17

People seem to think DCs are remarkably stupid and can't work anything out unless i's are dotted and t's are crossed! When I was little my aunt called me her own nickname, it was just special between us and I knew my proper name! (had my parents been insecure maybe they wouldn't have liked it)

exoticfruits · 23/08/2011 15:20

You have the whole point tortilla-by 3 yrs the DC will be loud and clear. Either she will like the fact her grandparents have a special name for her or she will insist she is Kitty.
It is all about power and insecure parents and not names.

Blu · 23/08/2011 15:25

I think if one relative calls a child a nickname because it is thier way of using the name then it is sort of OK, but the problem here is that your mother is clearly mounting some kind pof campaign because she dispproves of 'Kitty'. Encouragingf OTHER people to call your d a particular name which is not the one you use is like claiming the right to name your child.

I would tell her that it is yours and DH's business to choose a name, when your dd is old enough she will doubtless chooser her own version of Katherine, and until then will she stop trying to influence what other people do.

exoticfruits · 23/08/2011 15:26

Has there ever been any suggestion that she was influencing others? Hmm

Kytti · 23/08/2011 15:26

Get her told. Her name is Kitty. When she calls her anything else you should say 'who's Kate?' She's YOUR CHILD. YOU DECIDE. Anyone who says anything else can stuff off.

tortilla · 23/08/2011 15:27

from the OP, exoticfruits: "teaches my young neice and nephew to call her Kate, tells all her friends it's Kate and even writes bloody letters to her aged aunt from baby 'Kate'"

summertimeblews · 23/08/2011 15:29

my sister is called Jennifer, and when she was a child if anyone asked for, or called her Jenny, my mum would say - thats a donkey's name LOL

they only ever did it the once

willowstar · 23/08/2011 15:30

my mum INSISTS on calling my little girl 'the muppet'. I have no idea why, no one else calls her that and she knows I don't like it but she does it anyway. she says she is her granny and can all her what she likes. so in contrast to that, Kate doesn't sound too bad to me!

PercyFilth · 23/08/2011 15:37

It's a shame that parents are allowed to name children really. It would be better if they were known by a number until they are of an age when they can choose their own names. Grin

exoticfruits · 23/08/2011 15:48

I stand corrected kytti. I still think that the answer is ignore. Ignoring is a far more powerful weapon-I can't see why people refuse to use it and descend to the level of the person playing games-DON'T PLAY.
You see it on TV-in 'reality' slanging matches -the winner is always the one who remains largely silent, doesn't get drawn and is quietly reasonable. You give the noisy ones enough rope and ............

MoominsAreScary · 23/08/2011 15:53

exotic you are talking about when she is older, she's a baby and so people should call her what her parents want her to be called Kate is not a short version of kitty, it's a totally different name

Since when do you call your baby a name and then let your dm call her something else because she doesn't like your choice

GetAwayFromHerYouBitch · 23/08/2011 16:05

It seems to me that this DM is making a point

exoticfruits · 23/08/2011 17:20

Her name is Katherine on the birth certificate-Kate is the more usual short form. I don't think the baby is bothered! The baby will sort it out when old enough, or more likely, by that time the grandparents will have realised that it is silly and stopped. I think this is far more likely if they are totally ignored.

Time and time again I have told DCs to ignore irritating behaviour and expected them to understand. I can see now why it didn't work-most adults seem to be unable to do it either!

The people that I admire on here are those who make one very sensible, reasonable response and then stop. Not something I do! I tend to go on and on and often get goaded into saying things that I don't really mean! In RL I follow my own advice and it works a dream.

Quenelle · 23/08/2011 17:28

I think you should try not to mind and save your blood pressure.

I always thought that nicknames were bestowed not chosen until I read the baby names thread on MN.

Throughout your DD's life anyone could decide to call her something different. At least it's related to her actual name, she's not calling her Samantha when her name's Katherine or anything.

shineypenny · 23/08/2011 17:42

OK, ds has a name that has an obvious shortened version. We were well aware of this, but chose to use the full version. If anyone used the shortened version, we did not challenge it, but continued to use his full name. DM chose to constantly use the shortened version; we just ignored it and miraculously she started using his full name too.

Unfortunately, once he was at school, his friends started using several variations of his name and, now ds is a teenager, he prefers the shortened version.

What I am trying to say is that ultimately the name belongs to 'Katherine' and you need to be prepared that she may choose to use 'Kate' herself and she may hate 'Kitty', so I wouldn't worry about it too much right now, as it may well come back and bite you on the bum Grin

AnnieLobeseder · 23/08/2011 22:09

cont... (sorry OP)

Thanks Tortilla, I thought we were being a little odd calling her Allie so I'm glad there are more out there. I was more in favour of Alex, as it's the more common nickname and the reason why I chose Alexandra over Abigail (our 'b' choice for DD2's name). But Allie is a more common name where DH comes from, so we went with that. It suits her. Mostly I call her Pudding Bear though! Grin

Oddly, in our row of terraces, there are 3 Allies in a row, but none with the same full name; our Alexandra, our neighbour Alison and our neighbour's daughter Alyssa.

AnnieLobeseder · 23/08/2011 22:16

My mum named me a long 70's name, but only because she liked the associated nickname. I don't, or any of the other derivatives of my given name. I call myself by another name, which is sort of made up. But it suits me and I've used it for over half my life now. My mum is not pleased and still calls me by the annoying nickname, as do some family and friends who knew me before I adopted my new name. I don't mind, as long as they make the effort to introduce me to new people by my chosen name. Mostly they do. When they don't, I just correct them. They're the ones who end up looking silly for apparently not knowing my name!

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