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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my family shouldn't change our DC's name?

181 replies

CallMeAnything · 22/08/2011 17:55

I've namechanged for this as it totally outs me to anyone who knows me and I've revealed some pretty personal stuff under the cosy anonymity of my usual name. It's long too, sorry.

DC1 is born 5 months ago. In the labour room DH and I agree that we will call the DC Katharine/Kate/Kitty. DH phones our parents to tell them DC's name is Kitty.

I had been thinking Kate might also be a nice variation and text a few friends to say this is the name. My Mum gets wind and asks if it is Kate or Kitty and I say it can be either.

DH doesn't agree and says he thinks DC should have a definite name that everyone uses. When I think about it I agree it is silly for people to call her different names and we agree on Katharine on the birth certificate but to be known as Kitty.

I repeatedly refer to DC as Kitty to my Mum, who continues to call her Kate. This really bothers DH who asks me to put her straight. A few days after I get out of hospital I say to her "sorry for the confusion but we've decided it's Kitty and we want everyone to call her the same thing". Mum replies without hesitation "Well I'm going to call her Kate, that's not a problem is it?" (said in a tone that says there will NOT be a problem). I am still very shaky and emotional and do not want to fall out with her so say she can call her Kate if she really wants to. DH is not happy about this but I beg him not to make me have a row with my Mum as I'm not up to it.

A few days later when I'm feeling stronger I broach the subject again with her and am instantly dismissed again. I am stupidly weak again and leave thinking we have agreed that she can call her Kate as long as she makes it clear to the rest of the family and her friends that her name is Kitty.

Five months on I feel irrationally angry with her over this issue and feel like screaming "IT'S KITTY!!!!!!!" every time she calls her Kate in front of me. This is partly because I'm angry at myself for backing down and not standing up to her and partly because she has completely ignored our wishes and teaches my young neice and nephew to call her Kate, tells all her friends it's Kate and even writes bloody letters to her aged aunt from baby 'Kate'.

I know a lot of you will say this is petty and I know it's minor in the grand scheme of things but I'm going to have it out with her and am interested to know if you think I'm just being ridiculous or if she's being as rude as I think she is.

I find it really hard to stand up to my Mum as if I've ever said anything in the past she gets upset and all "I can't do anything right" etc. So I tend to leave things and seethe in private. She'd say we get on brilliantly btw!!! My parents are very good to us in other respects and help us financially etc.

Am I being unreasonable to insist that she uses the name we've chosen? Have I left it too late now?

The name obviously isn't Kate/Kitty but illustrates my point.

OP posts:
TimeWasting · 22/08/2011 21:59

YABU.
Not to say that your Mum's approach and attitude aren't also unreasonable, but you cannot dictate what people call them.
If you wanted Kitty, you should have called her Kitty. But of course someone would already be calling her KitKat etc.

Tanith · 22/08/2011 21:59

If you want an alternative name for Nanna, my DS used to call his grannie Gaa Gaa Grin

GnomeDePlume · 22/08/2011 21:59

I dont agree that parents dont choose nicknames. DH and I chose ALL the names for our children. When we introduced our children to everyone we said each time 'this is XXX and we are going to call him/her ZZZ'. It's different once children start school but until then the parents have the final say.

fedupofnamechanging · 22/08/2011 22:07

seeker, in my defence, my dd has been called by both her full name and her nn, so I'm not asking people to stop using the only name she's ever known. But, I spent a long time choosing her name and i want people to use it and not call her something that isn't her name. I think that as a parent, that's one of the things I get to decide, not the GP's or anyone else.

springydaffs · 22/08/2011 22:10

From what OP has said though, I don't think Kitty is her dd's nickname. It's her name. the name she's called. Kate is not a nickname. It's the name her mother has chosen to call her g'daughter, (OP's daughter).

fedupofnamechanging · 22/08/2011 22:12

I thought Katherine was the 'proper' name and Kitty the preferred nn. Either way though if the mum wants Kitty to be the name that everyone uses, I don't see the GP's have a right to say otherwise, just because they prefer something else.

hocuspontas · 22/08/2011 22:13

It's Katharine. Otherwise agree that DM would be slightly odd saying Kate if her name was Kitty.

DrPolidori · 22/08/2011 22:14

for the OP. YANBU. You had a wibble over her chosen name, and the name she was to be referred to. All new parents have this!

You chose kitty. That is her name. to call her something else is massively passive aggressive towards you.

All you can do is say no, her name is kitty. Don[t get into a fight. Just jeep insisting.

DownyEmerald · 22/08/2011 22:18

I do think she is wrong and behaving badly, but unfortunately, because you and dh caused confusion at the start, you have to accept it. Also because her actual name is 'Katharine'. If the name on the birth certificate was 'Kitty' then you'd have more of a case.

Just sign everything, christmas cards etc 'love from OP, OP's dh and Kitty'. Perhaps even do a special Christmas card with 'Kitty's first Christmas' on the front or something - then even the dimmest relatives/friends should pick it up.

Your little girl will probably choose something totally different one day anyway!

My mum has a cousin called Maggie - her parents call her Jane. It is very confusing, but you pick it up!

exoticfruits · 22/08/2011 22:23

My mother has a cousin called Mabel-I didn't know this for years-she is known as Dot. (probably her parents didn't like it)

DrPolidori · 22/08/2011 22:26

Er, I don't think anyone has to accept their parent's calling their frandchild any name other than the one finally decided upon by the parents!

How ridiculous. A small baby! Everyone will get used to it in time! To insist on another name is aggressive to the parents.

exoticfruits · 22/08/2011 22:33

The whole thing is pointless-as the grandmother will find out before the DC gets much older.
Do what you do with irritating DCs -ignore. It is much the best option and the one that people have the most trouble with!
I feel that I ought to apologise to my DSs-obviously my advice to ignore their siblings was too much to expect from a DC.
If someone winds you up they want a reaction-the worst you can do is ignore them.

freddy05 · 22/08/2011 22:34

DD1 is called Lexie, this was our decision of a name for childhood but we wanted to give her a choice later in life if she wanted something more formal so she was registered as Alexandra. Lexie is not a nickname it is her name and it is the one she has grown up with and will have until she chooses otherwise. MIL called her Alexandra for weeks after she was born and after time and time again using Lexie and trying to be nice about it we told her that DD1 would be known as Lexie and that is what we had decided she would be called. MIL's response was 'I didn't realise it was mandatory to use the name you decided on for my grandchild' needless to say we only told her what to call DD2 and she only found out her full name at the christening.

YANBU to want people to call your child by the name you chose as it is not a nickname, if she was calling her kittydear or kittypumpkin or all those other nicknames people come up with YWBU to be bothered but telling others the wrong name is just not on.

fedupofnamechanging · 22/08/2011 22:38

LOL at your mil freddy. Of course it's bloody mandatory to use the name the parents have chosen. If not, what's the point of choosing one?

exoticfruits · 22/08/2011 22:41

It really depends on the DC-if they don't like it you can't blame them for changing it! My great aunt Elsie-hated it before she even started school and has never used it!

PotPourri · 22/08/2011 22:50

YANBU. Just keep calling her kitty and make sure you send christmas cards to all and sundry with her name really clear there. Never respond to MIL when she refers to Kate. You could even say, oh, do you mean Kitty? My daughter... Show her that you do not recognise who Kate is supposed to be, as that is not your daughter's name. And just gently say, her name is Kitty each time she calls her Kate.

WidowWadman · 22/08/2011 22:54

We have the same problem, both my family and the in-laws keep on calling our elder daughter by a nickname neither me nor my husband like, and which also is very very common. We can't stop them. The daughter doesn't actually answer to that nickname, they know what we prefer, but they keep doing it.

I guess she will let us know one day what she would like to be called and until then we'll have to put up with it.

yellowsubmarine41 · 22/08/2011 23:06

My mum has done something similar. Our ds has a popular name with a popular abbreviation which everyone including us use. I never think of him as his full name, although it's on his birth certificate.

My mother insists on calling him a less popular abbreviation (and one that I mentioned that I didn't like right from the beginning Hmm).

It irritates me less and less as time goes on and, tbh, has no bearing on his little life as no-one else uses it.

It's definitely about the power games that my mum needs to try to play with me rather than the fact that she loves the name, and I try to rise above it.

PotPourri · 22/08/2011 23:06

We made the mistake of chosing a gorgeous name - Jacob for sayings sake, and then shortened it as a nickname in our own house (Jake), just for the kids, not as his actual name. But the GPs have picked up on it and being prone to shortening names anyway keep calling him it. We are now correcting the kids from saying it as I really don't want him called Jake by everyone (outwith the cute-sy name that the kids use - what a shame we can't just have our own nickname that no one else uses). I can get how annoying it must be for you - despite the fact it was our own fault to have shortened the name in our own house, I did think it would be possible to have our own little name that we used but it appears not.

NorfolkBroad · 22/08/2011 23:13

Totally agree with you I would be really P**d off if my mum insisted on doing this. It disregards your wishes about your own child. This happened to my friend whose SIL said the name she had chosen for her child was "stupid" so decided she would call him by a different name! Absolutely bizarre! Hope you can broach it succesfully with your mum.

usualsuspect · 22/08/2011 23:18

Why do people put one name on the birth certificate and call their child something else

Seems a bit odd to me Confused

muminthemiddle · 22/08/2011 23:24

YANBU.
Can you have a word with your father about it?
It isn't unusual for parents to choose a name, say Katharine, with the intention of calling her Kate and then decide that actually we don't like Kate as much as we thought we would so we now refer to her as either Katharine or Kitty.
Anyway I do agree that at school or work people will make up their own nicknames.
Try not to let it ruin your relationship with you mum but do have a word with your dad as perhaps he is more reasonable?

seeker · 22/08/2011 23:25

There is something very odd about considering not letting a relation see a child because they don't use the "right" version of a name.

What are people going to do when the child reaches talking age and decides they want to be called something else? Put them mon the naughtily step til they bow to Mummy's will?

Ineedacleaneriamalazyslattern · 22/08/2011 23:26

I suppose people do it because in the example of kitty/Katherine it's because although Kitty is nice it's very cute and that is the name they like, it's nlt a terribly grown up name. So they get the chte name but she still has the option of the proper version as an adult.

effingwotnots · 22/08/2011 23:31

Yanbu! Your mum is being a witch!

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