Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my family shouldn't change our DC's name?

181 replies

CallMeAnything · 22/08/2011 17:55

I've namechanged for this as it totally outs me to anyone who knows me and I've revealed some pretty personal stuff under the cosy anonymity of my usual name. It's long too, sorry.

DC1 is born 5 months ago. In the labour room DH and I agree that we will call the DC Katharine/Kate/Kitty. DH phones our parents to tell them DC's name is Kitty.

I had been thinking Kate might also be a nice variation and text a few friends to say this is the name. My Mum gets wind and asks if it is Kate or Kitty and I say it can be either.

DH doesn't agree and says he thinks DC should have a definite name that everyone uses. When I think about it I agree it is silly for people to call her different names and we agree on Katharine on the birth certificate but to be known as Kitty.

I repeatedly refer to DC as Kitty to my Mum, who continues to call her Kate. This really bothers DH who asks me to put her straight. A few days after I get out of hospital I say to her "sorry for the confusion but we've decided it's Kitty and we want everyone to call her the same thing". Mum replies without hesitation "Well I'm going to call her Kate, that's not a problem is it?" (said in a tone that says there will NOT be a problem). I am still very shaky and emotional and do not want to fall out with her so say she can call her Kate if she really wants to. DH is not happy about this but I beg him not to make me have a row with my Mum as I'm not up to it.

A few days later when I'm feeling stronger I broach the subject again with her and am instantly dismissed again. I am stupidly weak again and leave thinking we have agreed that she can call her Kate as long as she makes it clear to the rest of the family and her friends that her name is Kitty.

Five months on I feel irrationally angry with her over this issue and feel like screaming "IT'S KITTY!!!!!!!" every time she calls her Kate in front of me. This is partly because I'm angry at myself for backing down and not standing up to her and partly because she has completely ignored our wishes and teaches my young neice and nephew to call her Kate, tells all her friends it's Kate and even writes bloody letters to her aged aunt from baby 'Kate'.

I know a lot of you will say this is petty and I know it's minor in the grand scheme of things but I'm going to have it out with her and am interested to know if you think I'm just being ridiculous or if she's being as rude as I think she is.

I find it really hard to stand up to my Mum as if I've ever said anything in the past she gets upset and all "I can't do anything right" etc. So I tend to leave things and seethe in private. She'd say we get on brilliantly btw!!! My parents are very good to us in other respects and help us financially etc.

Am I being unreasonable to insist that she uses the name we've chosen? Have I left it too late now?

The name obviously isn't Kate/Kitty but illustrates my point.

OP posts:
Journey · 22/08/2011 20:11

If you don't like your Mum calling your DD Kate I think she should respect this. I think it is only okay to use a different nn if the parents are okay with it and it is done affectionately.

I think your mum is over stepping the mark when she is getting relatives to call her Kate. That's out of order.

seeker · 22/08/2011 20:12

It is completely control-freaky to try to manage nicknames! I have a name in the Catherine spectrum and I am called about 6 different things by different people. My dp for unexplained reasons often calls me by my last name(which happens to be a first name). My ds is Patrick and he is known by 4 different names by different people. Two of the names I don't like, but it's not my business- it's about the relationship he has with those people.

Don't sweat the small stuff.

LunaticFringe · 22/08/2011 20:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

fedupofnamechanging · 22/08/2011 20:14

Given that this really bothers you, then yanbu to insist your mother calls your daughter by your chosen name. I think it's okay for GPs to have their own little pet names, so long as the actual parents don't object. To do it when she knows it bothers you is hugely disrespectful.

My dd is 3 and I have recently asked everyone to stop using her nn and start calling her by her proper name. while I liked her nn, I love the proper name I chose for her and want people to use it. If my family refused on the grounds that they didn't like it, I would tell them if they want to see my child, they'd better start calling her by the name I chose.

redwineformethanks · 22/08/2011 20:17

I think if you choose a name which can be shortened, then you have to accept that at some point people will shorten it. At the moment it's your Mum, later it'll be your daughter and her friends.

In your case, the bigger issue is the fact that your Mum knows you don't like the name you've chosen and is deliberately choosing to use a different one.

My aunt and uncle refuse to pronounce their grand-daughter's name in the way her parents chose and I think it just makes them look a bit silly, as they're the only ones who insist on pronouncing it differently. I think it's disrespectful to the parents. Personally I don't like the name either and far prefer my aunt and uncle's version, but out of respect for my cousin, I use her way of pronouncing it

A number of people on this thread are suggesting it's nice to have a pet name that only a few people use and that's a far nicer way to look at it. Remember that eventually your child might choose to start using that name herself, in which case you would have to respect it

GnomeDePlume · 22/08/2011 20:22

YANBU to want her to BUT she knows it annoys you and for some juvenile reason she wants to annoy you.

DFiL insisted that he would call DD1 by her full name. He was on his own and came round of his own accord when she only responded to the short name of our choice. Fifteen years on nobody calls DD1 by her full name.

In terms of name simply isolate your mum. Every time she she uses the name Kate simply (and calmly) correct and say 'Kitty'. When other relatives ask after Kate say 'you mean Kitty'. Once your DD can say her name she will have her own opinion anyway.

Just one thing. If your mum provides any garment with your DD's name on it (in any form) bin it immediately. This for safety not name!

seeker · 22/08/2011 20:24

Bloody hell- "stop calling this child you've been using for the last 3 years and start calling her something else or I won't let you see her"! Why the f are people do bloody precious about names!!!

Ephiny · 22/08/2011 20:24

I can understand why it's annoying, but you are being a bit unreasonable. You can't really dictate which nicknames will be used, that isn't really how they work! What if her schoolfriends start calling her something else? Or if she gets a bit older and decides she wants to be Kit or Katie or Kathy or Kat? Will you tell her she's not allowed?

Sorry but if you choose a name with a variety of well-known nicknames, this sort of thing is bound to happen. Even if you don't, you still get various nicknames being made up by different people!

skybluepearl · 22/08/2011 20:28

Of course kid is going to be called Kate at some point if you have named her Katherine. That just life and when she is 19 she might choose to only go by Katie even.

I think the issue is more to do with the relationship between DH/mum etc ..

AnnieLobeseder · 22/08/2011 20:28

I feel your pain. DD2 is Alexandra, we call her Allie. A large chunk of my family insisted on calling her Alex for ages. Luckily they finally got over it and call her Allie now.

AnnieLobeseder · 22/08/2011 20:30

That said, if she wants to call herself Alex, or Lexi, or Sandra, or Xandra, or Bob, later on in life, that's her business. But for now, I think your family are being somewhat disrespectful.

nilequeen · 22/08/2011 20:49

You have to win the little battles if you're to even attempt to win the battle. Really, the issue of the name is irrelevant; it's all abour power - your mum is doing this to exert her power. Every time she gets away with saying/doing anything you've specifically asked her not to, it gives her the green light to keep on doing exactly as she pleases. Stop her now!

2rebecca · 22/08/2011 20:57

Kitty does make me think of "here kitty kitty" yelled out of the door. Katherine is a lovely name, why shorten it. Not come across any Kittys in Scotland, suspect they'd have the piss taken at primary school, hello kitty and all that. Agree that your mum is being u for not calling her grand daughter by your chosen nick name even if she doesn't like it.

exoticfruits · 22/08/2011 21:00

Just ignore her completely now. You really are giving her power if you even acknowledge that she is being annoying. Choose your battles and that isn't one of them. My first suggestion was much the best. Your DD will sort it-people only get away with all this fighting over control when the DC is a baby-they will soon sort it themselves, without someone falling out over petty things. Your DD will really think that you are mad falling out with your mother over a name when her friends will probably call her something else completely!!

exoticfruits · 22/08/2011 21:02

it's all abour power

This is what is all wrong about it-a baby in the family shouldn't be about power. Hmm

springydaffs · 22/08/2011 21:03

I don't think for one minute YABU. Kitty is her name, regardless what is on her birth certificate - you have chosen to call her Kitty. that's that. it's not open to anyone else, regardless who they are, to decide what she is to be called - even if there was an initial mix-up, which is irrelevant imo.

I don't think it is your fault that your mum calls your child by a name you don't want and, anyway, isn't her name. It's not rocket science (oh I do hate that cliche) to get her head around a name-change after a week.

I have issues like this with my family - there are naming issues in my controlling family too. It's a bugger. I think you're going to have to have it out with her OP, no compromise. good luck!

exoticfruits · 22/08/2011 21:05

You give a DC a name but you can't hope to control it! Up to 5 yrs maybe and then you haven't a hope! We gave DS a name that couldn't be shortened and he is know by his friends as something completely different-and he likes it.

exoticfruits · 22/08/2011 21:08

I am also the only person to call our other DS by the name I chose-everyone else shortens it-in 2 different ways.
I am called 3 different names, depending on the person.
It is really unimportant.
The one to stop it will be Kitty when she hears Kate and says, in surprise 'I'm Kitty!!'

Mumwithadragontattoo · 22/08/2011 21:20

I think you should stick to the full name and see if a nick name develops out of it when your DD is older. That way you could say to your mother that you don't want to use a nick name and you can legitimate stop her using the "wrong" nick name. It would definitely stop her being wrongly introduced to other people. Then later you DD may enjoy choosing a nick name herself.

LikeACandleButNotQuite · 22/08/2011 21:25

I think YABU. If you wanted Kitty, you should have just put Kitty on the birth certificate. NN's are many and varied, and people will use which ever one they want.

usualsuspect · 22/08/2011 21:29

You cannot dictate nicknames. I think its ridiculous when people think they can tell other people what nicknames to call their children

dementedma · 22/08/2011 21:39

DS is Joseph. Not Joe. Not Joey. Joseph. that is his name.
as far as nicknames go he is Fofers, Fofi, Fofe, Chubbers and JoeBen. He answers to all of them. You CAN insist on a name, nicknames you can't control.

hocuspontas · 22/08/2011 21:46

Exactly what likeacandle said. There's nothing more ridiculous than hearing people say ' I love the nickname xxxx, what full name could we call her?'. Call her that name then!! Nicknames are organic, they come from knowing the child/person, not the other way round. Any name like Elizabeth or Katharine is going to spawn many, many variations and there's nothing you can do about it!

GnomeDePlume · 22/08/2011 21:49

As a couple of others have said, is this about something more than your DC1's name?

Having a child is normally a big sign to our own parents that we are now grown ups. At this point our parents normally take a step back. Do you need to accept help from your parents? Is accepting help from your parents giving them the message that you havent yet quite grown up and that therefore they can make choices about your DD's name which really are theirs to make?

exoticfruits · 22/08/2011 21:52

Even if Kitty was on the birth certificate it is no guarantee that people would use it!