To think my family shouldn't change our DC's name?

[CallMeAnything]

I've namechanged for this as it totally outs me to anyone who knows me and I've revealed some pretty personal stuff under the cosy anonymity of my usual name. It's long too, sorry.

DC1 is born 5 months ago. In the labour room DH and I agree that we will call the DC Katharine/Kate/Kitty. DH phones our parents to tell them DC's name is Kitty.

I had been thinking Kate might also be a nice variation and text a few friends to say this is the name. My Mum gets wind and asks if it is Kate or Kitty and I say it can be either.

DH doesn't agree and says he thinks DC should have a definite name that everyone uses. When I think about it I agree it is silly for people to call her different names and we agree on Katharine on the birth certificate but to be known as Kitty.

I repeatedly refer to DC as Kitty to my Mum, who continues to call her Kate. This really bothers DH who asks me to put her straight. A few days after I get out of hospital I say to her "sorry for the confusion but we've decided it's Kitty and we want everyone to call her the same thing". Mum replies without hesitation "Well I'm going to call her Kate, that's not a problem is it?" (said in a tone that says there will NOT be a problem). I am still very shaky and emotional and do not want to fall out with her so say she can call her Kate if she really wants to. DH is not happy about this but I beg him not to make me have a row with my Mum as I'm not up to it.

A few days later when I'm feeling stronger I broach the subject again with her and am instantly dismissed again. I am stupidly weak again and leave thinking we have agreed that she can call her Kate as long as she makes it clear to the rest of the family and her friends that her name is Kitty.

Five months on I feel irrationally angry with her over this issue and feel like screaming "IT'S KITTY!!!!!!!" every time she calls her Kate in front of me. This is partly because I'm angry at myself for backing down and not standing up to her and partly because she has completely ignored our wishes and teaches my young neice and nephew to call her Kate, tells all her friends it's Kate and even writes bloody letters to her aged aunt from baby 'Kate'.

I know a lot of you will say this is petty and I know it's minor in the grand scheme of things but I'm going to have it out with her and am interested to know if you think I'm just being ridiculous or if she's being as rude as I think she is.

I find it really hard to stand up to my Mum as if I've ever said anything in the past she gets upset and all "I can't do anything right" etc. So I tend to leave things and seethe in private. She'd say we get on brilliantly btw!!! My parents are very good to us in other respects and help us financially etc.

Am I being unreasonable to insist that she uses the name we've chosen? Have I left it too late now?

The name obviously isn't Kate/Kitty but illustrates my point.

My daughter's name is similar to Katherine in that it is normal, perfectly lovely, of three syllables, and with many variations possible.

Both my mother and exFiL always insisted on using the full name but managed to pronounce it wrongly! (Imagine people saying, slowly and with apparent bewilderment, 'Kath-er-ernne'.)

We don't mind variations because my DD has her favourite ('Katie') and has made that clear since she was old enough (about 8 years old, IIRC).

You are pissed off with your mum for ignoring you and treating you like a child. Your DH is pissed off because you let her. You let her because you feel guilty, especially about the financial assistance.

You've given her one of the girls' names with the most possible variants of nickname going, so it is quite likely people will use more than one.

I agree with LineRunner's last paragraph.

I can understand that you are angry, but actually, IMO, if you wanted your child to be called Kitty, that is what you should have put on her birth certificate. Then there is no room for misunderstanding. Unfortunately, by being so indecisive at the start, you opened the way for your mum to do exactly what she is doing.

Personally, I do not understand all this 'named Henry but called Harry' type stuff. If you like the name, then use it. If you choose to follow that route, you can hardly complain when others use a different name, because that id exactly what you are doing.

I'm not sure TBH, DS2 has a name that also has several nicknames and I use most of them. He is 14 months and answers to about 4 different things as different people use different versions and I occasionally use one that is totally unrelated.

Thanks everyone. It is true I'm just pissed off with her in general at the mo and am maybe focusing on this issue. Agree that you don't have much control over nicknames as they get older and also that it's cute to have a special nickname sometimes. I'm just put out that she's just dismissed me to my face over this, like it's her baby to name.

RoseC - she did attempt to get my DMIL to also call her Kate but she refused (and then told me - love her for this!). So she does know she's upsetting me but persists...

I will try to let it go and man up a bit over future issues. Thanks again for all your quick replies - you've possibly just prevented a big row.

Start introducing your DM to people as your Granny, or your DD's Great Grandma - if she queries it, just say "oh, I thought it was a family quirk to falsely introduce each other to people, you know like the way you introduce Kitty as Kate."
She'll hate everyone thinking she's a generation older way more than your DD will care about her name, and it'll probably make you smile too.

MajorB that is brilliant!!

She absolutely insists that all her grandchildren call her 'Nanna' as 'Granny' sounds old. Hmm...

That struck me, actually - your DM trying to rename your child to everyone else. I think the many nicknames is fair enough, but telling others to use her name for your baby makes me think there are some controlling issues to be addressed. I'm guessing that, several years down the line either your daughter will be "Kate" to everyone or her Granny will be trying every means she knows to get your daughter to say she prefers Kate to Kitty.

You know you're going to have to talk to her, don't you :(

'Kate' needs to call her 'Granny'.

Sounds like your DH is being a bit of a twat.

OP-would you have been OK with your mum calling her Kate if your husband hadn´t said something?

YANBU. An ex work colleague told me that he mother flat out refused to use her daughters first name when she was born because she didn't like it and told half the family to use the second name instead. She didn't even tell them the first name.

My colleague only found out when she got a lot of congratulations cards with only her daughters second name on them and asked how the confusion had happened.

Her mother's reply: "We can't possibly call the poor thing by that awful name you chose can we?"

pmsl @ Takethisone... what was the first name?

(whisper) maybe OP's mum quite likes Kate or very much dislikes Kitty? Coz it's the only nn for Katherine that I quite dislike myself.

I think your mum is being really U. It matters to you, and that should settle it for her. You should insist, or it will continue to upset you and potentially cause arguments with your DH.

Diddl - I've thought about this and I'm not sure. I liked the name at first and now it infuriates me. It is my fault for starting the confusion I agree.

Allnightlong he's not a twat. I think he was annoyed as I never stand my ground with my mum and it's his DC too.

YANBU - hopefully lots of repetition of 'Her name is Kitty, not Kate... at least until she's old enough to decide on her nickname. " will help.

I finally managed to get a reinforced backbone after ds was born and managed to firmly tell my parents 'If you do X, you will never see ds again', which amazingly seems to have mostly worked.

Except for the fact that my mum still calls ds by the name she wanted. Think calling him Rupert instead of John...

I'm trying to train ds to say "My name's not Rupert, it's John. You're very silly Granny." No joy yet - might have to try bribery. :)

You really don't need to bother or argue.
Never discuss it again.Just ignore, call her Kitty all the time, sign cards etc Kitty and make no comment on Kate.

When DD gets old enough to talk she will be surprised and quite likely to say 'I'm Kitty'.
If she doesn't then just explain to DD that Grandma has her 'funny little ways'. (she may like Kate and I know one who has chosen Cat, which is what friends call, even though her mother hates it!)

It will die out quicker if you ignore it.

Sorry-if your mother doesn't stop-it should have read.

ragged The first name was Grace.

And she apparently followed up her first comment by saying "Because if she takes after you she's not going to be graceful at all and so that name will make her a laughing stock."

It's quite nice when a Grandparent has a special name for a child. My Dad calls all his children and Grandchildren simply by their first initial, ie G, N, S, K, O, H and his wife J. No-one else does it, just him and we all love him for it. You can set other relatives straight about Kitty and just leave your Mum to have her own special pet name, which your DD will probably quite like to have as a special name to share with her Gran.

Unfortunately you have chosen a name which can be shortened in a variety of ways ... just wait til she gets to school.

Just wanted to say that my name is Katharine, and you don't meet too many others who spell it that way, so may I congratulate you on chossing such a fab name! I am called Katharine by my family, but shortened it myself to Kathy years ago as I got fed up with people spelling it wrong. I am only Katharine to family now.

Not sure what the answer is for you, just wanted to comment on the name.

Good luck!

But the name isn't Katherine! The op used that as an illustration.
My dd is Philippa, we call her Pippa. Everyone does, apart from MIL who insits on calling her Philly (which i awful, imo, and we have a Millie, so ) It is annoying, but we leave her to it. I would however be really annoyed if she wa encouraging other to call her Philly too!

Sorry- the 's' on my keyboard keep sticking...

YANBU. It's not being petty and its certainly not PFB.

She's annoyed because other people had to tell her that your baby would be known as 'Kitty'.

You could ask her "Why do you keep calling her Kate when everyone else calls her Kitty which is what I asked you to call her?" Then be prepared to say "I'm not calling you Mum anymore I'm calling you "

Is it worth making a stand over? Thats up to you.