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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think my family shouldn't change our DC's name?

181 replies

CallMeAnything · 22/08/2011 17:55

I've namechanged for this as it totally outs me to anyone who knows me and I've revealed some pretty personal stuff under the cosy anonymity of my usual name. It's long too, sorry.

DC1 is born 5 months ago. In the labour room DH and I agree that we will call the DC Katharine/Kate/Kitty. DH phones our parents to tell them DC's name is Kitty.

I had been thinking Kate might also be a nice variation and text a few friends to say this is the name. My Mum gets wind and asks if it is Kate or Kitty and I say it can be either.

DH doesn't agree and says he thinks DC should have a definite name that everyone uses. When I think about it I agree it is silly for people to call her different names and we agree on Katharine on the birth certificate but to be known as Kitty.

I repeatedly refer to DC as Kitty to my Mum, who continues to call her Kate. This really bothers DH who asks me to put her straight. A few days after I get out of hospital I say to her "sorry for the confusion but we've decided it's Kitty and we want everyone to call her the same thing". Mum replies without hesitation "Well I'm going to call her Kate, that's not a problem is it?" (said in a tone that says there will NOT be a problem). I am still very shaky and emotional and do not want to fall out with her so say she can call her Kate if she really wants to. DH is not happy about this but I beg him not to make me have a row with my Mum as I'm not up to it.

A few days later when I'm feeling stronger I broach the subject again with her and am instantly dismissed again. I am stupidly weak again and leave thinking we have agreed that she can call her Kate as long as she makes it clear to the rest of the family and her friends that her name is Kitty.

Five months on I feel irrationally angry with her over this issue and feel like screaming "IT'S KITTY!!!!!!!" every time she calls her Kate in front of me. This is partly because I'm angry at myself for backing down and not standing up to her and partly because she has completely ignored our wishes and teaches my young neice and nephew to call her Kate, tells all her friends it's Kate and even writes bloody letters to her aged aunt from baby 'Kate'.

I know a lot of you will say this is petty and I know it's minor in the grand scheme of things but I'm going to have it out with her and am interested to know if you think I'm just being ridiculous or if she's being as rude as I think she is.

I find it really hard to stand up to my Mum as if I've ever said anything in the past she gets upset and all "I can't do anything right" etc. So I tend to leave things and seethe in private. She'd say we get on brilliantly btw!!! My parents are very good to us in other respects and help us financially etc.

Am I being unreasonable to insist that she uses the name we've chosen? Have I left it too late now?

The name obviously isn't Kate/Kitty but illustrates my point.

OP posts:

usualsuspect · 22/08/2011 23:33

I just think its odd ,why would you decide to use a different name after a certain age? just call your child the name on their birth certificate and be done with it

nn just evolve surely

All my children have names that can be shortened and they are all called variations of them by different people ,it doesn't bother me at all

seeker · 22/08/2011 23:38

"Why do people put one name on the birth certificate and call their child something else

Seems a bit odd to me "

Because they aren't arrogant enough to assume that their child will be as delighted to be called a babyish name like Kitty when she is a cool teenager or a kickass lawyer.

GnomeDePlume · 22/08/2011 23:40

usualsuspect I dont know about other people but DH and I put a lot of thought into our children's names. The shortenings we chose were meaningful to us as were the full names. Now our DCs are older they have settled into their names. DD1 still uses the shortening which we chose for her before she was born. DS uses the full name. DD2 announced to teachers that she wanted to be known by the full name part way through primary.

seeker · 22/08/2011 23:43

Some people call my ds Paddy. I the it with a passion- but it's none of my business - he likes it and they people who call him it like it so I have no right ton intervene.

A1980 · 23/08/2011 00:11

I haven't read all of this, I don't have time. But with this bit:

I had been thinking Kate might also be a nice variation and text a few friends to say this is the name. My Mum gets wind and asks if it is Kate or Kitty and I say it can be either.

I'm afraid you started it with creating uncertainty over what her nn actually was and by telling you mum you don't mind either name.

I wouldn't worry too much, it doens't matter as long as you call her Kitty. When she's old enough she'll tell them or maybe she will prefer Kate.

My name is Alexandra. As a child I was refferred to by friends and family as Ali, Alex, Andy, Lexi, Lex, Sasha (by Russian friends), etc, etc.

You get the idea?! Belive it or not it wasn't confusing in the least to me. In fact the variety could be quite fun if you got bored of one. But as an adult I am Alexandra or Alex, nothing else.

Just chill. You are the parents and it only matters what you call her.

A1980 · 23/08/2011 00:13

Because they aren't arrogant enough to assume that their child will be as delighted to be called a babyish name like Kitty when she is a cool teenager or a kickass lawyer.

LOL that is so true seeker. I would hate to be known as Ali now that I am a lawyer. Alex is quite bad ass for a girl and i like it.

EvenLessNarkyPuffin · 23/08/2011 00:18

You gave your mother the final name, Kitty, within a week of her birth - some people haven't even picked a name by then! It's not up to her to choose a different name for your DD and it's obviously annoying your DH. If you want to stop it do it ASAP. Tell her that your DD is called Kitty. Develop selective hearing. If she says Kate ignore her until she uses the right name.

heleninahandcart · 23/08/2011 00:21

YANBU her name is her name, give to her by you, her parents. You are not being precious, you named her Kitty for a reason. Kitty it is.

Your DM is being passive aggressive and making some sort of ownership for reasons of her own. Agree you should nip this in the bud now, or if she is the controlling type, maybe ask DH to deal with her as she sounds like she might respond better to this than if you try (again)

DrCoconut · 23/08/2011 00:22

DS1 calls his little brother by his middle name. Everyone else uses his first name. We had wondered if it was wrong but figured it will be special for them.

MCos · 23/08/2011 00:25

I recommend you persevere and correct your Niece & Nephew and others when they call her Kate. Eventually, your mom will probably end up calling her Kitty also, if everybody else calls here Kitty. It will just seep into her unconsciousness.

I think your mom is being unreasonable, and disrespectful. But since the confrontation is difficult for you, I'd ignore it and try not let it get to you. Just get EVERYONE else call her Kitty.

Meanwhile, just picture this. You mom goes 'Kate, Kate', and Kitty totally ignore her, as her name is not Kate... and she thinking your Mom must be talking to somebody else!

EvenLessNarkyPuffin · 23/08/2011 00:27

And though www.Notonthehighstreet.com can be twee, it could be very handy for personalised stuff. May I suggest a 'Kitty's Room' sign and perhaps nice 'Kitty's Granny' mug

MoominsAreScary · 23/08/2011 00:45

Yanbu tell dm she is to call her kitty like everyone else , my son is tommy (not Thomas or Tom ) and until he is old enough to decide he wants to shorten it to Tom tommy is what everyone will be calling him

tryingtoleave · 23/08/2011 01:01

We call our dcs one nickname, gps use another but when other people ask their name the dcs ( 2.5 and 5) will tell them their full name. They know who they are.

diddl · 23/08/2011 06:49

I would tell your husband to deal with it as it seems to bother him more-and only you when he mentioned it?

And the suggestion of that nn did come from you!

AnnieLobeseder · 23/08/2011 07:59

A1980 - so you're an Ali from Alexandra? I thought our DD2 was alone in that, in the UK anyway. Glad to hear we're not nuts shortening Alexandra to Allie.

WidowWadman · 23/08/2011 08:21

Potpouri Your posting is one of the insaner things I've read here recently. Why should a nickname only be used by a small set of people you dictate, but not by others?

TheMagnificentBathykolpian · 23/08/2011 08:33

Oh, I'd definitely be looking her in the eye and saying "It's kitty. If you call her Kate - you're granny. Not nanna. Granny. You choose. Kitty and Nanna, Granny and Kate."

mummytotwoboys · 23/08/2011 08:36

I think YAB a bit U - My kids names is his full name but my dad calls him a shorter version that only he (and somethimes mum) calls him - like Robert and Bob (not that but you get it) - its really nice that him and his grandad have this.

exoticfruits · 23/08/2011 08:37

I don't think that there is anything insane about Potpouri's posts. She is the other sensible person who has said always use Kitty and ignore. I can see exactly where she is coming from. DC2 couldn't say DC1's name and his attempt was rather sweet and we used to use it at home-however DC3, who could say his name, seemed to think that the nickname was the name, so we stopped.

People get so precious with babies and it is at its height before the baby can speak and respond. I would think that if they could respond they would like to knock heads together and tell parents and grandparents not to be so stupid! If mine had fallen out about names to the point where they weren't speaking and I wasn't seeing grandparents I really would think them insane!

It is so simple-you call her Kitty, always,you just let any mention of Kate pass by without comment, expect perhaps to say mildly 'do you mean Kitty?'
I guarantee they will change after a time-as soon as Kitty becomes a person rather than 'the baby'.

exoticfruits · 23/08/2011 08:49

I really don't see why it matters if a grandparent has a different nickname.
Poor granny may rather be nanna and she can change it if she wants. The baby may not use granny anyway, she may choose something completely different.

debrs4 · 23/08/2011 09:01

Your child, your choice (well, at least until the child is old enough to make their own choice). You will have to be prepared to repeat yourself a lot though! But stick at it and she'll get the message in the end.

exoticfruits · 23/08/2011 09:09

At 22 yrs they are not a child.
She will get the message of what mother thinks-either she will agree or she will pay lip service and quietly do her own thing-she obviously hasn't done the third and rebelled.
With a strong mother who thought she was right I would agree and do my own thing.
If you are so dogmatic you really won't have an idea of whether she thinks the same or not. I can't see you leaving her much room to say 'I'm sorry but I disagree' and you accepting it.

exoticfruits · 23/08/2011 09:10

It is really only your choice up until about 8yrs-you can't 'police' thoughts and there is no reason that they should think the same because you gave birth.

exoticfruits · 23/08/2011 09:13

Sorry-I thought I was on the thread about 22 yr olds and holidays-ignore my last post which doesn't make sense on here!!

exoticfruits · 23/08/2011 09:14

Sorry-ignore my last two posts.

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