To think my family shouldn't change our DC's name?

[CallMeAnything]

I've namechanged for this as it totally outs me to anyone who knows me and I've revealed some pretty personal stuff under the cosy anonymity of my usual name. It's long too, sorry.

DC1 is born 5 months ago. In the labour room DH and I agree that we will call the DC Katharine/Kate/Kitty. DH phones our parents to tell them DC's name is Kitty.

I had been thinking Kate might also be a nice variation and text a few friends to say this is the name. My Mum gets wind and asks if it is Kate or Kitty and I say it can be either.

DH doesn't agree and says he thinks DC should have a definite name that everyone uses. When I think about it I agree it is silly for people to call her different names and we agree on Katharine on the birth certificate but to be known as Kitty.

I repeatedly refer to DC as Kitty to my Mum, who continues to call her Kate. This really bothers DH who asks me to put her straight. A few days after I get out of hospital I say to her "sorry for the confusion but we've decided it's Kitty and we want everyone to call her the same thing". Mum replies without hesitation "Well I'm going to call her Kate, that's not a problem is it?" (said in a tone that says there will NOT be a problem). I am still very shaky and emotional and do not want to fall out with her so say she can call her Kate if she really wants to. DH is not happy about this but I beg him not to make me have a row with my Mum as I'm not up to it.

A few days later when I'm feeling stronger I broach the subject again with her and am instantly dismissed again. I am stupidly weak again and leave thinking we have agreed that she can call her Kate as long as she makes it clear to the rest of the family and her friends that her name is Kitty.

Five months on I feel irrationally angry with her over this issue and feel like screaming "IT'S KITTY!!!!!!!" every time she calls her Kate in front of me. This is partly because I'm angry at myself for backing down and not standing up to her and partly because she has completely ignored our wishes and teaches my young neice and nephew to call her Kate, tells all her friends it's Kate and even writes bloody letters to her aged aunt from baby 'Kate'.

I know a lot of you will say this is petty and I know it's minor in the grand scheme of things but I'm going to have it out with her and am interested to know if you think I'm just being ridiculous or if she's being as rude as I think she is.

I find it really hard to stand up to my Mum as if I've ever said anything in the past she gets upset and all "I can't do anything right" etc. So I tend to leave things and seethe in private. She'd say we get on brilliantly btw!!! My parents are very good to us in other respects and help us financially etc.

Am I being unreasonable to insist that she uses the name we've chosen? Have I left it too late now?

The name obviously isn't Kate/Kitty but illustrates my point.

Before I came on mumsnet, I thought nicknames were something that developed naturally not something that the parents decided before the baby was even born and then dictated that everyone MUST use this nickname.

I do think it is silly if you have named her Katherine and not Kitty. Surely at some point, she'll be called Katherine? Kathy? Kate? Kat? If not by you then by teachers, friends and other people she'll meet?

My name is a diminutive Katherine and I am called so many different names by different people over the years. It's never been confusing for me.

oh, the only reasonable thing you can do is to persist in referring to her as granny......

Abcinthia ,I had never heard of people doing this either ,I've only ever read about it on MN

and just curious but do you teach the child with the dictated NN to write their full name or their NN?

All it proves is that you can't control a nickname-just a bit earlier-most people find it out after 5yrs.

OP-what if she prefers Kate to Kitty?

Or just be grateful your child has grandparents who love her and stop being so controlling and precious. I guarantee that in a couple of years time you will realise that you were massively over reacting,

It's not about just the name though seeker - it's about the GP's ignoring what the parents would prefer for their own child and imposing their choice. I imagine that when they were parents to young children, they chose their own DC's names and would not have welcomed GP's who take the view that they know best and it doesn't matter what the parents say. If they undermine the parents wrt something a fundamental as a name, what else will they undermine them with, if their own opinion differs?

I think when a child is old enough to express a preference that is truly their own, then fair enough, but until that point it ought to be the parents and not the GP's who decide.

But why do parents get to choose what nn is used?

Because it's their child. if someone gets to choose, surely it's the parents right more than it is someone else's.

If the parents don't mind, then there's no issue, but if they do, for someone to ignore their wishes regarding their own child's name, just strikes me as rude.

So was my Fil undermining me when he chose to call my ds Little Pat instead of Patch, which is what we tended to call him as a baby? No he wasn't- he was making his own relationship with his much loved grandson, and using a name which linked him firmly to his Irish heritage ( at the time there was still a Big Pat back home in Cork.

I think a parent would have to be incredibly insecure to be undermined by something so minor.

Baby is an individual, not an accessory.

The parents chose the name & the mother is using a recognised form of it as a nn.

I think the problem comes from OP saying her name is x, but she can/will be called y or z.

Oh no, just z (after husband mentions it).

Why not just call her z & be done with it?

No one person gets to choose. If someone called my DD a variant of her name that I particularly loathed (and there are a few), I would grind my teeth a bit, but I'm assuming that the OP doesn't hate this variant as she suggested it herself before being persuaded by her DH that is is "silly" for her DD to have more than one nickname (why?)

I've been thinking about this (don't know why!), and think often on here we confuse two things- a recognised short form of a name - Liz, for Elizabeth, for example. That isn't a nick name, imo, it is a shortening of the original name. Nick names are more organic- Little Lizzy might have curly hair, nd get called curly top by her Grandpa. But the short form used by her family still Liz. She may be called Muffin/Munchkin/Stinky/ etc by various people through her life- these are nicknames. (not sure if that makes sense written doewn, actually!)

The granny in the OP could choose a nickname that means something to her- princess/pumpkin etc, fine. But using a different short form of a name to the one the family use , is a bit silly. (And, as my MIL has discovered, my DD 'recognises' the name we use with her- so doesn't respond to Mil's version at all- which gives her something else to get offended by).

I actually have a Katherine.

We decided to use the full name and leave it up to her to choose a nn when she felt ready - 2 years ago she went for "Kathy" (at age 9).

Now she has decided to be Katherine again! nns are flexible.

I'm Susan. My family call my Sue - I hate it but console myself its not Susie. But dh and all my friends call me Susan - which I prefer.

You might find in the future that "Kitty" prefers Kate or Kathy or Katie or indeed Katharine!

I think if it means that much to you, confront your Mum, but tbh it probably wont make much difference and anyway "Kitty" (or her friends) will make a decision in the future without your input.

(I, nosily, want to know what the op's daughter is really called, now!)

I think that you have to be incredibly insecure to feel that grandparents making their own relationship undermine you in some way.

The bottom line is-imagine Kitty 14yrs on and you explain that you had endless arguments about her name and she just won't understand-she will think you all loons! (she will probably be Katie or Kathy by then anyway).

seeker, I think it's different for you, because as Raahh put it, what your fil did was develop a nn that was indicative of his relationship with your ds. He wasn't ignoring the name you wanted your child to be called.

I don't think the OP's mum is using a nn to develop her own relationship with the child - she is deciding that she prefers a particular shortened version of Katherine and even though the parents have decided (by the time their baby was a week old) that they didn't really want it, she is going to do it anyway.

I guess this bothers some people more than others. It would bug me, because I spent a long time choosing my children's names and would like them to be used. I wouldn't actually mind the organic nn that Raahh refers to.

I'm curious about the real name too! But understandable of course if OP prefers not to say. Just wondering really how similar the different nicknames are, Kitty/Katie/Kate/Kit all sound so similar it's hard to imagine anyone getting upset about it.

Really not worth having a row or falling out with your mum over, either way. Yes she quite possibly is doing it to be annoying or exert some kind of 'power' - but surely the best way to deal with that is to rise above it and not play the game. You risk making this into a much bigger deal than it really is.

The name on the birth certificate is Katherine

Exactly-rise above it and don't 'play the game'. I can't believe the number of adults who need to 'play the game' and make it so easy for those who like that sort of manipulation.

I know someone who's child's name us TJ , on the birth certificate it is Thomas Joseph. I would never dream of calling him Thomas when his parents want him to be known as TJ

If the op wanted her dd to be called Katherine at some point she would have to get used to people shortening it but she doesn't, she wants dd to be known as kitty so why should anyone be changing it to Kate

I bet TJ asks people to call him Tom as soon as he is able!

Last year I was on holiday with a group. It included mother and daughter. Daughter was late 20's and introduced herself as Cat, her mother called her Catherine which was very confusing. She started of by saying 'Catherine but she calls herself Cat but I don't like it!'-in the end she settled on Cat for the holiday. It was a big, very loose, group and you can't call adults Catherine if they have told you they are Cat.

You have done the right thing by giving your daughter a full formal name that won't cause her any embarrassment as she grows up. To have a name that has several accepted informal forms is a real bonus for her. So well done for that.

But what you are forgetting is that it is her name, not yours. She is the one who has the right to exercise a preference over how she is called, not you. She may settle on one, or be happy to be called differently by different groups of people. My cousin, for example, has always been Bob or Bobby within the family, but all his mates call him Rob and he is fine with that. It doesn't matter what the rest of us think about it, it's his name, his business.

my dd is Joanna and we had trouble with everyone saying Joanne-by the time she was 2 she would say 'A' very loudly if anyone said Joanne!
Keep plugging away if it is important to you and when she can talk your dd will tell her dgm that she is Kitty.