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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To refuse to go to inlaws for xmas again?

198 replies

pink4ever · 20/08/2011 18:38

So am I bu?
We have lived in our current home for the last 9 years and have never once spent xmas day here. When we moved in pre dcs dh instisted he wanted to spend xmas with his parents as he didnt want them to spend xmas alone. I would have preferred to have xmas as a couple but agreed to this on the proviso I went to my mums.

Fast forward a few years-we have dcs and I again suggest we stay at home for xmas. Dh uses same line of not wanting parents to be lonely so we agree to do one year his mums/one year my mums.

Fast forward another couple of years-I have a falling out with my mum. We no longer spend xmas there. Dh thinks this means the default position is we gp to his parents. This is what we have done for the past 3 xmas.

I hate it. We have no time to enjoy xmas. After dcs get up,open presents and we tidy up,it is time to leave. Kids dont get time to play with their new stuff. We have to spend the night as pil live about 15 miles away,I dont drive and dh refuses to not have an xmas drinkAngry

Mil is a terrible cook(no I dont offer to help-we are their guests and I dont want to be there) and a boring and maudlin drunk.

This year I am determined that I will spend xmas in my own home. Have told dh this but he thinks I am bluffing.

Btw-pil would not be alone every xmas-bil/sil also do the alternate year thing. Also they have recently bought a new home and I predict that they will say they want to stay at home-leaving us to pick up the slack.

Am I bu?

OP posts:
MissBetsyTrotwood · 20/08/2011 20:34

I just took a stand, on Thursday, with mil. We get on really well. I love her. I just can't spend another Xmas at their house - I want my kids to remember Christmases at home, not at theirs.

Sort it now, no surprises or stress as it draws closer. YANBU.

duckdodgers · 20/08/2011 20:36

FabbyChic
"You see your inlaws far too much. Weekly? far too much."

Complete rubbish. I see far too many women on here who seem to forget inlaws are actually their DHs parents or either have such screwed up relationships with their own parents they seem to think it should be the same for their partners family. Sadly my Mum is dead but my DH loved her to bits.

duckdodgers · 20/08/2011 20:38

And yes OP no idea what all the stories are about other posters keep referring to regarding your in laws I can only go on this thread but as much as Christmas is about family I think a compromise is staying at home and invite them to yours. Up to them if they accept.

hocuspontas · 20/08/2011 20:41

But duck, it's one thing meeting mil for coffee or shopping once or twice a week maybe, but having a ritual of spending 5 hours at their house every Sunday is just tedious!

TheOriginalFAB · 20/08/2011 20:53

Before DH and I were married but lived together we used to have to see his parents every weekend. I hated it. It was just too much. Luckily DH agreed and we phased that out.

SiamoFottuti · 20/08/2011 20:57

I see my inlaws at least once a week, my PIL's, SIL/BILs etc, because we're all friends as well as relatives. Nothing wrong with that. And we go there for Xmas every year, because its fun. Why would we want to sit at home just the same as every other day of the year? Confused

WinkyWinkola · 20/08/2011 21:12

Nope. Nothing wrong with seeIng whoever you want as frequently as you want whether it's friends or family. But I think for it to be healthy it has to be a mutual desire to some extent. For the op, it clearly isn't what she wants. Some breathing space and the opportunity to visit other relatives or friends at the weekend would be nice for her.

duckdodgers · 20/08/2011 21:30

hocuspontas

But duck, it's one thing meeting mil for coffee or shopping once or twice a week maybe, but having a ritual of spending 5 hours at their house every Sunday is just tedious!

Is it?? Maybe thats how you feel about your in-laws etc but myself and DH used to spend every Sunday with our boys at my Mums, wasn't tedious at all. But as I said my DH loved my Mum and we both loved the relationship she had with her Grandsons.

hocuspontas · 20/08/2011 21:34

But she was your mum! I could do that with my mum and so could dp. Do you do that with your ils? You are a saint if so.

duckdodgers · 20/08/2011 21:47

hocuspontas - I hate to point out the obvious but as well as being my Mum she was also my DHs mother in law.

Or are you trying to say its 1 rule for your own Mum but another for in-laws? So ok its natural to be closer to your own Mum but as you say your DP could do that with your Mum - his MIL - so why shouldnt it work the other way around!

Not sure why Im a "saint" for spending time with my DHs mother tbh.

exoticfruits · 20/08/2011 21:48

I think that once people have DCs the parents should hand over the reins of Christmas to them and not expect things to carry on the same-they have had their turn. We stay at home-parents come to us-much simpler. DCs, as soon as they can voice it, want to be at home.
Tell them you are having it in your own home and they are welcome to stay with you. If they turn it down at least you offered.

pictish · 20/08/2011 21:53

OP stick to your guns. Yanbu!!

Christmas at home as a family will be a blessed relief. Do it.

mamababa · 20/08/2011 21:54

I think kids should be at home on Xmas day. who you invite is up to you but Christmas is about kids and there is mo way I would drag my DC's away from their new toys

SiamoFottuti · 20/08/2011 21:59

what a selfish attitude. Xmas is only about your children playing with their new games. That is sad.

exoticfruits · 20/08/2011 22:04

I always wonder how long parents and IL went off to their parents and PIL for Christmas?
If they have never done it it seems very unfair to expect their own DCs to do differently.
If they had to do it for years and have only just started having it in their own home then you can see them wanting to hang onto it.

As DCs we always had Christmas at home, and loved it-far more comfortable in your own home. Once I had DC we stayed at home. If they have DCs I will expect them to stay at home-if they want to. Christmas must be such a misery driving DCs across the country-unless your parents or PIL have huge houses with spare bedrooms, roaring log fires, several bathrooms etc-in which case it might be preferrable.

My mother has tended to say, plaintively, 'I always imagined you all around the table for Christmas with your families'. I have pointed out that it is hardly fair on all the PIL and that if we all came we couldn't physically get around the table-or even have room to sit down!

exoticfruits · 20/08/2011 22:05

I hasten to add that my mother comes to one of us-she isn't left alone!

fedupofnamechanging · 20/08/2011 22:07

For a lot of people Christmas is about Father Christmas and their kids delight over all their new toys. Not everyone is religious. Christmas is magical for kids. The OP's dc see their GP's every Sunday at least. Not having to go there for Christmas is hardly depriving them of anything. There is nothing wrong with wanting to be in your own home and wanting your kids to be able to play with their new toys and not having to pander to the will of one's IL's for the rest of your life!

fifitrixibellesmith · 20/08/2011 22:07

you sound like the in law from hell OP

quite disgustingly selfish. i would be heartbroken if my sons brought home, let alone married anyone with your "family values"

fifitrixibellesmith · 20/08/2011 22:08

dh wont stand up to them

maybe he enjoys the company of his family at christmas

strange but some people do

sighs

fedupofnamechanging · 20/08/2011 22:09

Disgustingly selfish? For wanting one Christmas at home having gone to the IL's for the past 9 years. And she is happy for them to come to her.

Original poster
pink4ever · 20/08/2011 22:14

fifi-dh has the company of His family EVERY sunday for the past 9 years! I am selfish for going to inlaws EVERY sunday? For having my inlaws round for coffee EVERY week? for entertaining them on the day I got out of hosp after a c-section and pandering to their every need-TWICE? I am selfish because I once dared to stand up to their emotional blackmail and their response was to tell bil a pack of lies resulting in him and dh having a huge row? Wow yes you are right-how selfish of me.

OP posts:
pictish · 20/08/2011 22:17

Fifi
"quite disgustingly selfish. i would be heartbroken if my sons brought home, let alone married anyone with your "family values""

Wtf?? Where the heck did that come from?? Confused

OP take no heed of that ^ sort of vitriolic rubbish. Wanting to spend one christmas in your own home after 9 years doing it elsewhere is far from "disgustingly selfish". It's a perfectly reasonable request.

WinkyWinkola · 20/08/2011 22:17

In law from hell? Are you mad FIFI? The op sees her in laws every single Sunday and Christmas. I really cannot fathom what more sE should do to make her a good in law. She does far too much already and her own immediate family time is in jeopardy.

exoticfruits · 20/08/2011 22:20

I can't see anything disgustingly selfish in wanting to have one Christmas in ten at home-especially as they are invited. Confused

Original poster
pink4ever · 20/08/2011 22:22

Let me say again for those who may not have read the whole thread-dh has spent 3 xmas(out of the 16 years we have been together) with my family and he behaved appallingly.

When we go to my side of the family things now(nephew birthday party-so 3 times a year max)-he sits and plays on his phone,ignores everyone unless they ask him a specific question and makes it blatently clear that he cant wait to leave. But of course its because he has a horrible selfish wifeHmm.

OP posts:
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